i'll say goodbye, not you [minho/key]
title: i'll say goodbye, not you
pairing: minho/key
length: 875 wc
ranting/warnings: pg-13 - mentions of masturbation, incest, and suicide.
i want you. not like i can ever tell you, though, so i'll mourn instead right before i end this obstructive want. they say love is a beautiful thing but it's not. it's wretched when it's not normal. and with me, well. there really is only one way to describe.
forbidden;
and not even because i crave you when we are both, you know, guys, but i don’t want to voice the reality of it. it's ugly. it’ll just remind me of how stupid this is. so let me talk about you instead. you. charming, dreadful you.
your smile is infectious. the crescents of your eyes shy away from the carnal because you play it safe even when the girl’s hands snake up to where i dare not reach.
you save the fire for things less confrontational, like soccer or diablo iii.
the gaze in your eyes make my heart shudder, the intensity drives my imagination wild at the possibility, at the thought that maybe you’re thinking about me just as much as i’ve been zombie-ing out over you, staying up until late and just watching you as you own those games over and over again.
it’s just a fluke though, you probably just want me to copilot your next flight to chaos springs. you use me, and i gladly follow if it means hearing your laugh. you have this passion, a fire. a searing warmth that excites me. how could i expect myself to leave you?
“ya, minho-shi! your eyes are gonna fall out if you don’t blink. let’s go.” that conniving smile again, a commitment. we’re off pulling some prank or another. we go home and that’s that. you take satisfaction to bed for rest while i find it in a cold shower.
i would hear about how you never really knew where you fit in as far as your sexuallity.
your friends told me you thought you were content with nothing. connections never reached past the platonic category. i thought i was the exception, you kept me around all that time after all. and i foolishly stuck by.
but i knew.
there small part of you that was yearning for something bigger than you, those days you’d be quiet. i could tell from the way your brows furrowed that you wanted someone to fill your heart until it overflowed.
not me, never me.
and it’s at unexpected times of the day when my heart sinks. a craving for a touch that i haven’t known yet and to ask for it would be simply unforgiving. overthinking sets boundaries that can be easily broken, i know. but i’m safer in my thoughts, safer from the distance. and it’s from this proximity i’ll be assured consistently, drifting forever instead of an abrupt end to today and the start of an indeterminable, detrimental tomorrow.
it was 1am when i got your text, even though you were just next door, and my heart races but-
“it’s all in your head, kibum.” i tell myself this, i need to.
everything was happening so blissfully when you suddenly wanted to spend more time together, when you wanted me to drive you to the mountains to wander like we once did as children. i knew better than to assume it would stay like this for long.
it’s not even a feeling, but a state of being. when you tug a little and i give a lot. it's always been like that.
i don’t want to think about the past or the future. somehow i've become numb to consciousness. sometimes i daydream about the possibilities of us in a world without boundaries, but never do i get anxious of what is and what isn’t as i did at first. it’s a peaceful kind of romance even though there’s nothing evident to prove it exists apart from my rapidly beating heart, the excess perspiration, and the hints of drool when i can catch it.
your lashes blink twice when you look at me in the mornings, eyes peeking out from under pale lids, and i’m set for lift off.
all the things we are i don’t want us to be, it’ll only make us grow apart. us: a fading memory.
and this is why we can’t stay near each other for very long, my heart will flutter then i’ll fade away, away.
i have no intention of staying with you. i just wanna be with you long enough to be treasured by you even though it’s empty. i want you, but i know better.
when i start to think this might get better, this tainted affection, you just drag me back all over again. when i think i’m ready to leave, you reel my back in and i find myself stuck.
i’m drafting my goodbyes when i should be basking in your hellos, the kind i hate because you share them with everyone, even our mother. those hellos mean the world to me but they are only a passing breathe to you. someday you’ll see. someday you’ll know the kind of pain the love you forced out of me brings.
i look at you, crescent smiles. they told me you were only capable of loving yourself and your friends. if i had such luxury of being a friend, maybe this sting wouldn't reach so deep into the very core of my being.
sometimes when i'm sitting in a tub of water turned cold after hours of sitting in it, i think, maybe this love will cease when i cease.
just one more day. let me feel the fire of your smile ignite that excitement, the one that started off innocent, in me and i’ll be able to sleep. to sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and dream eternally of what i can’t have here.
i’m drafting my goodbyes... never say goodbye to me, minho.
i hope to at least take those hellos with me to a place where not even my own thoughts will beget the excitement you once ignited in me.
the forbidden kind, anyway.
pairing: minho/key
length: 875 wc
ranting/warnings: pg-13 - mentions of masturbation, incest, and suicide.
i want you. not like i can ever tell you, though, so i'll mourn instead right before i end this obstructive want. they say love is a beautiful thing but it's not. it's wretched when it's not normal. and with me, well. there really is only one way to describe.
forbidden;
and not even because i crave you when we are both, you know, guys, but i don’t want to voice the reality of it. it's ugly. it’ll just remind me of how stupid this is. so let me talk about you instead. you. charming, dreadful you.
your smile is infectious. the crescents of your eyes shy away from the carnal because you play it safe even when the girl’s hands snake up to where i dare not reach.
you save the fire for things less confrontational, like soccer or diablo iii.
the gaze in your eyes make my heart shudder, the intensity drives my imagination wild at the possibility, at the thought that maybe you’re thinking about me just as much as i’ve been zombie-ing out over you, staying up until late and just watching you as you own those games over and over again.
it’s just a fluke though, you probably just want me to copilot your next flight to chaos springs. you use me, and i gladly follow if it means hearing your laugh. you have this passion, a fire. a searing warmth that excites me. how could i expect myself to leave you?
“ya, minho-shi! your eyes are gonna fall out if you don’t blink. let’s go.” that conniving smile again, a commitment. we’re off pulling some prank or another. we go home and that’s that. you take satisfaction to bed for rest while i find it in a cold shower.
i would hear about how you never really knew where you fit in as far as your sexuallity.
your friends told me you thought you were content with nothing. connections never reached past the platonic category. i thought i was the exception, you kept me around all that time after all. and i foolishly stuck by.
but i knew.
there small part of you that was yearning for something bigger than you, those days you’d be quiet. i could tell from the way your brows furrowed that you wanted someone to fill your heart until it overflowed.
not me, never me.
and it’s at unexpected times of the day when my heart sinks. a craving for a touch that i haven’t known yet and to ask for it would be simply unforgiving. overthinking sets boundaries that can be easily broken, i know. but i’m safer in my thoughts, safer from the distance. and it’s from this proximity i’ll be assured consistently, drifting forever instead of an abrupt end to today and the start of an indeterminable, detrimental tomorrow.
it was 1am when i got your text, even though you were just next door, and my heart races but-
“it’s all in your head, kibum.” i tell myself this, i need to.
everything was happening so blissfully when you suddenly wanted to spend more time together, when you wanted me to drive you to the mountains to wander like we once did as children. i knew better than to assume it would stay like this for long.
it’s not even a feeling, but a state of being. when you tug a little and i give a lot. it's always been like that.
i don’t want to think about the past or the future. somehow i've become numb to consciousness. sometimes i daydream about the possibilities of us in a world without boundaries, but never do i get anxious of what is and what isn’t as i did at first. it’s a peaceful kind of romance even though there’s nothing evident to prove it exists apart from my rapidly beating heart, the excess perspiration, and the hints of drool when i can catch it.
your lashes blink twice when you look at me in the mornings, eyes peeking out from under pale lids, and i’m set for lift off.
all the things we are i don’t want us to be, it’ll only make us grow apart. us: a fading memory.
and this is why we can’t stay near each other for very long, my heart will flutter then i’ll fade away, away.
i have no intention of staying with you. i just wanna be with you long enough to be treasured by you even though it’s empty. i want you, but i know better.
when i start to think this might get better, this tainted affection, you just drag me back all over again. when i think i’m ready to leave, you reel my back in and i find myself stuck.
i’m drafting my goodbyes when i should be basking in your hellos, the kind i hate because you share them with everyone, even our mother. those hellos mean the world to me but they are only a passing breathe to you. someday you’ll see. someday you’ll know the kind of pain the love you forced out of me brings.
i look at you, crescent smiles. they told me you were only capable of loving yourself and your friends. if i had such luxury of being a friend, maybe this sting wouldn't reach so deep into the very core of my being.
sometimes when i'm sitting in a tub of water turned cold after hours of sitting in it, i think, maybe this love will cease when i cease.
just one more day. let me feel the fire of your smile ignite that excitement, the one that started off innocent, in me and i’ll be able to sleep. to sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and dream eternally of what i can’t have here.
i’m drafting my goodbyes... never say goodbye to me, minho.
i hope to at least take those hellos with me to a place where not even my own thoughts will beget the excitement you once ignited in me.
the forbidden kind, anyway.