Crisis Averted (and another created?)
So today at work Tom asked me out to lunch on Thursday. I spent the next few hours agonizing about how I was going to break it to him that I'm not really interested in dating this summer (especially not one person) for various reasons not really related to him.
After work, Chad drove me home (I gave him a kiss on the cheek...because he asked, not because I'm trying to lead him on or anything. Plus if anything happened with him I am fairly confident that it wouldn't be serious, which makes it less pressure for me.) When I got home, I called Tom and I told him everything. I told him that I was really sorry if mentioning this were totally irrelevant (because maybe he wasn't interested in starting anything anyway) but that after the things that I had done and been through this past year, and because of the fact that I'm leaving in two months, I'm really at a point where I'm not comfortable becoming involved with someone. I told him that I've been realizing that I felt this way and I really didn't want to be reckless about it by not making it clear to him. He basically just said he understood.
I heard a phone ring in the background and recognized the voice that picked up. It was Erik, who also works at the restaurant. Greeeat. Because the truth is, I kind of like him. I guess that fact is kind of irrelevant, considering that it will NEVER happen. (A) I doubt he would ever be interested. (B) His friend supposedly likes me. Hmm...now it all just really sucks because not only is there no chance of that happening, also he'll probably respect me less because I've disappointed his friend. Sigh. I guess I'm really more interested in him right now because the whole idea of him is less serious. Tom just reminds me of Ricky, and I can just remember all those feelings from when things were starting to get too serious with Ricky.
This past year was the first time that I felt like guys were really interested in me. Like sure, I had had boyfriends in high school, but at college I felt like I commanded more attention. I think because the attention was so new, I let myself rush into things too quickly. I ended up getting involved with people who liked me more than I liked them because I never really gave myself the time to like someone like I had in high school. Except in high school, I was forced to take that time because usually the guys I liked didn't like me back. On the surface, that sounds like it sucks...liking people who don't like you back. But when I think about it, I realize that it's so important to me to have that time when your feelings for someone are just building up. Maybe having a lot of people interested in you isn't worth the really deep feelings that you miss the chance to have.
So back to my conversation with Tom. My question is this. I think I told him all that to be fair, and to prevent him from being more disappointed later if things went too far. But was it really the right thing to do? Was it really the fair thing to do? Looking back on it, I can't think of anything more fair, and maybe I just feel guilty about it because he is disappointed, and not because I did anything wrong. Or maybe I feel guilty because I know that I only told him all that to make myself feel better, to relieve the pressure on ME this summer. But what else was I supposed to do? Just become involved with someone when I know it's not the right thing for me right now? Tom's a very sweet, smart guy...but I can't keep dating people because I SHOULD like them, right?
I just want to feel something again. I want to feel how I felt for Dean, but this time I want to feel it for someone who's worth it.
After work, Chad drove me home (I gave him a kiss on the cheek...because he asked, not because I'm trying to lead him on or anything. Plus if anything happened with him I am fairly confident that it wouldn't be serious, which makes it less pressure for me.) When I got home, I called Tom and I told him everything. I told him that I was really sorry if mentioning this were totally irrelevant (because maybe he wasn't interested in starting anything anyway) but that after the things that I had done and been through this past year, and because of the fact that I'm leaving in two months, I'm really at a point where I'm not comfortable becoming involved with someone. I told him that I've been realizing that I felt this way and I really didn't want to be reckless about it by not making it clear to him. He basically just said he understood.
I heard a phone ring in the background and recognized the voice that picked up. It was Erik, who also works at the restaurant. Greeeat. Because the truth is, I kind of like him. I guess that fact is kind of irrelevant, considering that it will NEVER happen. (A) I doubt he would ever be interested. (B) His friend supposedly likes me. Hmm...now it all just really sucks because not only is there no chance of that happening, also he'll probably respect me less because I've disappointed his friend. Sigh. I guess I'm really more interested in him right now because the whole idea of him is less serious. Tom just reminds me of Ricky, and I can just remember all those feelings from when things were starting to get too serious with Ricky.
This past year was the first time that I felt like guys were really interested in me. Like sure, I had had boyfriends in high school, but at college I felt like I commanded more attention. I think because the attention was so new, I let myself rush into things too quickly. I ended up getting involved with people who liked me more than I liked them because I never really gave myself the time to like someone like I had in high school. Except in high school, I was forced to take that time because usually the guys I liked didn't like me back. On the surface, that sounds like it sucks...liking people who don't like you back. But when I think about it, I realize that it's so important to me to have that time when your feelings for someone are just building up. Maybe having a lot of people interested in you isn't worth the really deep feelings that you miss the chance to have.
So back to my conversation with Tom. My question is this. I think I told him all that to be fair, and to prevent him from being more disappointed later if things went too far. But was it really the right thing to do? Was it really the fair thing to do? Looking back on it, I can't think of anything more fair, and maybe I just feel guilty about it because he is disappointed, and not because I did anything wrong. Or maybe I feel guilty because I know that I only told him all that to make myself feel better, to relieve the pressure on ME this summer. But what else was I supposed to do? Just become involved with someone when I know it's not the right thing for me right now? Tom's a very sweet, smart guy...but I can't keep dating people because I SHOULD like them, right?
I just want to feel something again. I want to feel how I felt for Dean, but this time I want to feel it for someone who's worth it.