(no subject)
Feeling the need to write.
Had the first real falling out with my new SO this weekend. My gut tells me we aren't going to survive it. I'm feeling pretty strong emotionally at the moment, but as the shoe has not yet actually dropped it's hard to say for sure. Listened to Patsy Cline as a pre-epmtive last night. Woke up this morning at 6:00 instinctively looking for him, then remembered.
I also had to bring my car in this morning - again. I was very upset by this big double whammy of my car falling apart and my relationship falling apart and decided to take up smoking again. Two cigarettes in and I spent an hour bent over my desk wishing for all the world I could just puke and stop the shaking and nausea. I think I've officially quit again, apparently my body doesn't want me smoking, and it had a few rather strong words for me.
On the plus side I got a call from the shop and all appears not to be lost. In the end it looks like a rather small problem with huge ramifications - but easily fixed - oh yeah. Rough idle, constant stalling, hard starts, loss of break function - all seems to be fixable by throwing a few hundred dollars at it. Too bad the fix for a broken relationship was not as simple.
At the moment I am deep into the blaming myself game. I envision a life of enternal single-tude. Every failed relationship only convinces me more that I don't have what it takes to hold a relationship together. With this one I thought I had lost most of my scars. I thought I was doing well and had an almost fresh heart to give. Maybe it's just a fact of being 30-something. Maybe I am too set in my ways, too unable to put up with the foibles of another. He played a little too rough with me and I perceived him threatening life and limb - well limb anyway. I stood up for myself and told him he was being an asshole. Apparently this is a dumping offense. I suspect he didn't like the way he looked in the mirror of my eyes. But apparently instead of using your reflection to improve your appearance the way to handle these things is to break the mirror.
I once broke a mirror because the reflection of myself offended me so awfully. Of course this was just before I decided that never again would I take anti-depressants because of the terrible consequences of missing a dosage. So in a way maybe I did the same thing - pondering - instead of dealing with the offense itself I decided to take away the cause of it - swear off mind-altering medication (of the doctor prescried variety). Though in my defence I was 16 at the time. I would like to think I've perhaps grown up a bit since and might deal better with most situations. Anyway, rambling.
I'm pleased the car situation will likley be resolved today and not having to get into a dysfunctional vehicle every time I want to go somewhere may do wonders for my perspective on life.
Had the first real falling out with my new SO this weekend. My gut tells me we aren't going to survive it. I'm feeling pretty strong emotionally at the moment, but as the shoe has not yet actually dropped it's hard to say for sure. Listened to Patsy Cline as a pre-epmtive last night. Woke up this morning at 6:00 instinctively looking for him, then remembered.
I also had to bring my car in this morning - again. I was very upset by this big double whammy of my car falling apart and my relationship falling apart and decided to take up smoking again. Two cigarettes in and I spent an hour bent over my desk wishing for all the world I could just puke and stop the shaking and nausea. I think I've officially quit again, apparently my body doesn't want me smoking, and it had a few rather strong words for me.
On the plus side I got a call from the shop and all appears not to be lost. In the end it looks like a rather small problem with huge ramifications - but easily fixed - oh yeah. Rough idle, constant stalling, hard starts, loss of break function - all seems to be fixable by throwing a few hundred dollars at it. Too bad the fix for a broken relationship was not as simple.
At the moment I am deep into the blaming myself game. I envision a life of enternal single-tude. Every failed relationship only convinces me more that I don't have what it takes to hold a relationship together. With this one I thought I had lost most of my scars. I thought I was doing well and had an almost fresh heart to give. Maybe it's just a fact of being 30-something. Maybe I am too set in my ways, too unable to put up with the foibles of another. He played a little too rough with me and I perceived him threatening life and limb - well limb anyway. I stood up for myself and told him he was being an asshole. Apparently this is a dumping offense. I suspect he didn't like the way he looked in the mirror of my eyes. But apparently instead of using your reflection to improve your appearance the way to handle these things is to break the mirror.
I once broke a mirror because the reflection of myself offended me so awfully. Of course this was just before I decided that never again would I take anti-depressants because of the terrible consequences of missing a dosage. So in a way maybe I did the same thing - pondering - instead of dealing with the offense itself I decided to take away the cause of it - swear off mind-altering medication (of the doctor prescried variety). Though in my defence I was 16 at the time. I would like to think I've perhaps grown up a bit since and might deal better with most situations. Anyway, rambling.
I'm pleased the car situation will likley be resolved today and not having to get into a dysfunctional vehicle every time I want to go somewhere may do wonders for my perspective on life.