Tell me what do you do when it all falls apart?
As I sit here pretty much wallowing in my self pity I think about the last year.
I have just read over all of my journal entries on my good ol' LJ.
I feel sorry for my self.
Just, I imagined I was another person reading someones life.
I cried.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
Ben was just here...
Wilyim Dunn was here earlier.
I feel so alone.
Like a famous person with all the fame money and publicity.
I feel so alone.
I wonder if the queen feels like that.
Walks to her throne...
As her days may be full of things to do I wonder if she still thinks that...
"I feel so alone"
My dad just went psyco at me.
Said I do sh*t all around here.
I just cleaned the whole bench.
Emptyed the dishwasher.
Filled it again and put it on to wash.
Cleaned the other 15 est. dishes that couldn't fit in.
Put on 3 loads of washing.
LOOKED AFTER MY BROTHER AND SISTER.
All day, all this week until Friday.
"I don't want to!"
What if I just said that one day.
Just said no.
Just walked out.
Never returned.
What if I never tried to make contact with anyone.
What if I just began a new life where I pretend I was orphaned and have no family.
No prior friends.
An out cast...
I just cry so hard on the inside that sometimes it overflows to my eyes.
I can't help it.
"You should be greatful for the friends that you have!"
"At least you have both of your parents!"
But that's the thing.
I don't.
I never have and never will.
I just want to escape this all.
I hate it.
It bugs me to almost insanity.
Im not like everyone else missing the old days for when they all hung out 'as one' all because they miss the relationships that they had with those certain people.
Im going to be honest.
I don't miss it for the relationships...
I have a fear.
I fear of lonlyness.
And thats what I am and have.
A life with that lonlyness.
Imagine your fear, take it.
Now let it be everywhere that you are.
Even in your mind.
It never goes away.
Schools nearly over.
Im not like Wilyim C.
I can't just 'hang' with God the way he does.
I can't be anybody else but me.
Yet I have a problem even doing that.
Augh.
I just want some one.
Any one.
Ashleigh's not even here.
I actually miss her.
Right now id rather be out on a rampant night rage with boys I don't even know, while there are 6 people in the car, all drinking (except the driver) although we are going 200 and something kiliometers down the road and im scared out of my wits, wet from having to walk everywhere I 'd rather be there than here right now.
I hate it.
Hate.