(no subject)
I try to justify and explain it away but in my heart I am still sad. Yes I said I didn't want a huge ta do for my bday. I said it was no big deal and every option L brought up I shot down with no it cost too much and it isn't necessary and your sick and you have tests. I mean I can be a huge realist and I can see what needs to be done and how important things are that need to be done. But Morgan really pumps me with the idea,,, if she really loved you and cared about your birthday she would have studied earlier, like Sunday when she watched TV all night... She would have thought this out earlier so that the cramming session on my birthday didn't have to be. ANd being sick you would have to be alot sicker than that to stop a excellent bday from happening. I knew that it was gonna end up like this so I jkust tried to stop it before I got my hopes up. That's why I didn't want her to do anything becaause I was afraid of being dissappointed. So Morgan says... you drag your kids up there and fix them dinner and she yells at you and then you put them to bed and then you study her classes and help her catch up ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.... It is self centered, it is that she doesn't care that much. I told her I wanted that wallet last week, she had plenty of time to go get it before my birthday she just didn't. She could have been nicer on the phone, she could have asked if she could atleast start dinner for us.
Half the way through the night she started making it up, she started saying sweet things and started being attentive. It doesn't take alot anymore to make me smile, I just love her and I am so happy to just be with her. I look at it nicely and say we had a good night but it was no different than any other night of my life. I said I didn't want a big deal but maybe I just wanted her to insist on giving me a special day. Morgan says it is a picture example of the way she feels, she isn't in love with me and this thing about not being my girlfriend is just pounded into my head with the way she acts. I am not sure what I feel right now. Even buying a cupcake and putting a candle on it would have made things great. Something other than a couple cards and an I promise to do good things for you later. If it were T's bday when they were together it would be special... If it were A's birthday I bet she would not take no for an answer and I don't think those tests would have been an issue. I am hurt and I will ide it because she already thinks she doesn't make me happy, but maybe one day she will aactually want to try. It isn't what you do or don't do it is the way you make me feel with every movement and sentence. When other people see through my facade and say something it hurts mmore because I know I am not making it up.