For me only
So this is just to me and as I write it I know that I will be able to look at this next year and it will be better. Last year at my birthday it was the beginning of the end. Missy and Ash threw me a birthday party where it was amde obvious to everyone that they were becoming an item. Before that I always had the best birthday suprises, Missy usually was good with brithdays, she put so much thought into little gifts. They could cost a dollar but they meant so much or she would make me something and it was always SO SWEET. Before becoming satan Missy was very thoughtful and spent alot of time on things like that. Thanksgiving we always did the same thing. We would spend it in Evansville with her family and get stromboli's and go out to dinner with her mom and take her little sisiters to the circus. Every year there was the same dry turkey her dad made and lots of pies. This was my only family for 12 years. Christmas me and Missy always gave each other an ornament that we picked out that reminded us of the year. We would spend days looking at ornaments trying to out do each other. We did this for about 7 years, our tree needless to say has no theme. It will be so hard this year not to have those things. I have to be strong I have to not lean on Lauren with this crap. She already feels I would be better off with Missy and I make her feel like she will never be good enough or give me what I need. I don't want her to feel that way. The fact is Missy loved herself and she did those things because that's what she liked to do, my life has to be different now and I have to make new traditions. I can't think about those things, I can't think of the past. I could never trust her again, I could never be with her again so why look backward and lament. Lauren is good to me, I just have to accept where I am and not try to compare it, it isn't comparable because we don't have the history but we do have the love. I can't be sad around her anymore. If she starts talking about chicken and mash poatotes... I get it, she can't deal with my shit, she had her own to deal with and I have to fix this for myself. Me getting out of hand with her won't help this situation, me yelling and getting stressed won't make her want to be with me. I have to hide this but I wish I didn't, something is really wrong that I feel I have to. Maybe it is just for now, maybe in time we can grow together enough to not hide things. Just keep reading this and remember the goal, be good with the kids, be good to Lauren, be good to your friends and wait until next year and I promise you will feel better. It is getting better all the time!