without a doubt....bored.
Do you ever get the feeling that something is going on..but you aren't sure of what it is? I feel like that. I've felt like that for a bit. I don't like being understanding. I dont like being nice. I don't like living in denial. I hate living in blurr.
My life feels like a dream. Nothing is ever real...and nothing is ever fake. Things happen so suddenly that when I blink, they are gone. I hate it. I want something real to happen.
My mind is everywhere tonight. Everywhere but my head.
I have rum in my freezer. I could drink it. I could get drunk. I could slip into my dreams. But my dreams never save me. They never help me. They don't give me what I want. They only scare me.
I want more in my life. I'm not doing anything. I could work...but I would still have this feeling. People sometimes say that they feel as if there is a chunk missing. I feel like my whole body is missing.
I'm starting not to care. And that's what scares me.
I can't cry.
People seem to think that it's not a big deal, but it is to me. Crying helps. It makes you feel somewhat normal. I assume that I have alot to cry about. But yet, I can't bring myself to do it. If I do cry, it's over something stupid and only for a second. And the last time that happened was like, 2 months ago. My mom tells me I don't cry because I'm strong. What if I don't want to be strong? Sometimes I wish I was weak. I wish I could push my problems onto other people.
One day, I'll go insane. I know I will.
Sometimes I drink because I think...maybe this will help me be emotional. Maybe I'll cry? Maybe people will see the tears instead of my constant smile? People don't understand how they effect me. How could they when the only emotion I show is joy?
I feel like my smile is painted on with a gloved hand.
My tears are something of a forbidden nature.
My head is a jail for all my thoughts.
I'm constantly screaming and noone ever hears me.
It's appealing to pack up my kids and leave. Move somewhere and start over.
But that's not going to fix anything. And I hate knowing that. I want to be naive.
I want to be naive.
My life feels like a dream. Nothing is ever real...and nothing is ever fake. Things happen so suddenly that when I blink, they are gone. I hate it. I want something real to happen.
My mind is everywhere tonight. Everywhere but my head.
I have rum in my freezer. I could drink it. I could get drunk. I could slip into my dreams. But my dreams never save me. They never help me. They don't give me what I want. They only scare me.
I want more in my life. I'm not doing anything. I could work...but I would still have this feeling. People sometimes say that they feel as if there is a chunk missing. I feel like my whole body is missing.
I'm starting not to care. And that's what scares me.
I can't cry.
People seem to think that it's not a big deal, but it is to me. Crying helps. It makes you feel somewhat normal. I assume that I have alot to cry about. But yet, I can't bring myself to do it. If I do cry, it's over something stupid and only for a second. And the last time that happened was like, 2 months ago. My mom tells me I don't cry because I'm strong. What if I don't want to be strong? Sometimes I wish I was weak. I wish I could push my problems onto other people.
One day, I'll go insane. I know I will.
Sometimes I drink because I think...maybe this will help me be emotional. Maybe I'll cry? Maybe people will see the tears instead of my constant smile? People don't understand how they effect me. How could they when the only emotion I show is joy?
I feel like my smile is painted on with a gloved hand.
My tears are something of a forbidden nature.
My head is a jail for all my thoughts.
I'm constantly screaming and noone ever hears me.
It's appealing to pack up my kids and leave. Move somewhere and start over.
But that's not going to fix anything. And I hate knowing that. I want to be naive.
I want to be naive.