Seeking advice from friends...
Hello all, first of all I would love if a) you could all read this, to least give me some advice as to your opinions on matters and b) express your own opinion and experience.
Very confused at the moment, extremely lost and I suppose I just need some peoples thoughts to help in my mixed up mind.
I had a great night with Dalfox, dimuthien, nikita_wolf, foxymalone and mistystriker at a few of the brisbane nightclubs in the area, some of them are pretty amazing, I can tell you that much when I have come from a country town. There it was only one club and that club itself sucked like no-ones business so this was a great experience for me to see the world of the city in the party life.
This was what I wanted, to feel the life of a party go-er, the raves, the dancing, nightlife, what I have basically dreamed of, and yet now, I look at it and wonder why did I want this so bad? I wont go into the details of some of the clubs besides one known as 'The Beat'. This was the focused one as it opened my eyes to so much far too quickly and while I was intoxicated, but that also added to the fun. Upon arriving I was looked at by alot of guys, course, those weren't the looks of 'What a faggot' at my old town or 'Sure could beat the shit out of what he's fucking wearing' heh. These were, "I could really get to know that" to the "I wanna fuck it".
What I dont understand to myself is why am I hating what I wanted so bad to feel, there were times I was felt up, rub to the leg, grind to the ass, the occasional ass to ass on the dancefloor. Was that the life I was choosing to follow? No.. Was it a life I would love to be involved? No, but then why so long have I wanted that life and not feel that even that I've gone out now, seen the slutty side of the world in the gay bars that I still dont have that desire to be happily mated with someone I truly and deeply am in love with?
While there I had eyes upon eyes on me, I still dont find myself -that- hot, heh, unfortunately its just me, something within myself I will need to get over because I get it enough from friends, thanks guys to tell me that I'm above par. For example within 2 mins I saw one guy pash three different men and it wasn't a kiss, was more of 'Let me check if your esophagus is fully functional' for quite some time. I looked at it and was disgusted, -thats- what I have been wanting? To have some 30 second slut hold me, tell me I'm hot and kiss? God no. Maybe I was too lost in the fantasy that there are still some gay bars or men where a shy guy meets a shy guy and enjoys a nice conversation, becomes friends and thats it. It seemed while there the only guys ever getting conversations or at least some movement with their tongues were making out, or being shallow kissing to lead them on towards the back door and to their car.
What the fuck do I want? No-one can answer that but myself, and yet right now I have no matter of thought as to what that is. Jesus I have someone I could give my life to and feel right but why dont I -want- to do that? I have an opportunity to go out, meet random and holy fuck some -hot- guys, especially as it scared me such hot men were eying me, and flirt, have a new social society of friends and hang out, knowingly sex is on their mind, but sorry fellas, aint open there for business and pleasure.. why dont I -want- that?
What scares me the most is every set of eyes I caught upon, that looked to me, I knew deep down I could have had that, I could have walked over, chatted to and had whatever I wanted with that person. I dont have that confidence, but why did I feel that? Why feel that I could have such belief in myself I could do that? Was it some fictional idea I thought I could? They looked at me with interest, I could have shown it back but I didn't. I see both sides of this, knowing friends that look to sex with some fucking hot model going 'Why didn't you, dumbshit?' to my friends of the knowing of morals and standings, not to mention my situation with someone I still am totally in love with go 'You made us all proud' why dont either one urge me to each other?
To put it in simple terms, I had some of the hottest guys I have seen in my life showing interest to me, but I declined numerous of times. To that and I have possibly the most amazing and beautiful being inside loving me and I love them in return but I just cant feel I could have a relationship with them.. whats wrong with me? Am I wanting in between? I know its not there, no-one is beauty and a model, where do I go? what should I look towards?
Very confused at the moment, extremely lost and I suppose I just need some peoples thoughts to help in my mixed up mind.
I had a great night with Dalfox, dimuthien, nikita_wolf, foxymalone and mistystriker at a few of the brisbane nightclubs in the area, some of them are pretty amazing, I can tell you that much when I have come from a country town. There it was only one club and that club itself sucked like no-ones business so this was a great experience for me to see the world of the city in the party life.
This was what I wanted, to feel the life of a party go-er, the raves, the dancing, nightlife, what I have basically dreamed of, and yet now, I look at it and wonder why did I want this so bad? I wont go into the details of some of the clubs besides one known as 'The Beat'. This was the focused one as it opened my eyes to so much far too quickly and while I was intoxicated, but that also added to the fun. Upon arriving I was looked at by alot of guys, course, those weren't the looks of 'What a faggot' at my old town or 'Sure could beat the shit out of what he's fucking wearing' heh. These were, "I could really get to know that" to the "I wanna fuck it".
What I dont understand to myself is why am I hating what I wanted so bad to feel, there were times I was felt up, rub to the leg, grind to the ass, the occasional ass to ass on the dancefloor. Was that the life I was choosing to follow? No.. Was it a life I would love to be involved? No, but then why so long have I wanted that life and not feel that even that I've gone out now, seen the slutty side of the world in the gay bars that I still dont have that desire to be happily mated with someone I truly and deeply am in love with?
While there I had eyes upon eyes on me, I still dont find myself -that- hot, heh, unfortunately its just me, something within myself I will need to get over because I get it enough from friends, thanks guys to tell me that I'm above par. For example within 2 mins I saw one guy pash three different men and it wasn't a kiss, was more of 'Let me check if your esophagus is fully functional' for quite some time. I looked at it and was disgusted, -thats- what I have been wanting? To have some 30 second slut hold me, tell me I'm hot and kiss? God no. Maybe I was too lost in the fantasy that there are still some gay bars or men where a shy guy meets a shy guy and enjoys a nice conversation, becomes friends and thats it. It seemed while there the only guys ever getting conversations or at least some movement with their tongues were making out, or being shallow kissing to lead them on towards the back door and to their car.
What the fuck do I want? No-one can answer that but myself, and yet right now I have no matter of thought as to what that is. Jesus I have someone I could give my life to and feel right but why dont I -want- to do that? I have an opportunity to go out, meet random and holy fuck some -hot- guys, especially as it scared me such hot men were eying me, and flirt, have a new social society of friends and hang out, knowingly sex is on their mind, but sorry fellas, aint open there for business and pleasure.. why dont I -want- that?
What scares me the most is every set of eyes I caught upon, that looked to me, I knew deep down I could have had that, I could have walked over, chatted to and had whatever I wanted with that person. I dont have that confidence, but why did I feel that? Why feel that I could have such belief in myself I could do that? Was it some fictional idea I thought I could? They looked at me with interest, I could have shown it back but I didn't. I see both sides of this, knowing friends that look to sex with some fucking hot model going 'Why didn't you, dumbshit?' to my friends of the knowing of morals and standings, not to mention my situation with someone I still am totally in love with go 'You made us all proud' why dont either one urge me to each other?
To put it in simple terms, I had some of the hottest guys I have seen in my life showing interest to me, but I declined numerous of times. To that and I have possibly the most amazing and beautiful being inside loving me and I love them in return but I just cant feel I could have a relationship with them.. whats wrong with me? Am I wanting in between? I know its not there, no-one is beauty and a model, where do I go? what should I look towards?