(no subject)
I have never been one for formalities the idea of wright and wrong in a letter sicken me as they seem to clamp a person into a right and wrong way of expressing themselves. I write ...ironicly as i always do in a stage of rum drunkness as i think. My last post struck and deleted yet painfully true. for those that caught for few hours of my post, thank you for your replies. As I sit here, i have grown painfully numb. The pain i felt as i woke, the despair of a life without those i love have faded as i talked to a friend. Some would say pagan or wiccan it really doesn matter. I was give but answers i never wanted to grasp. Since then the pain has gone the shivers of the feeling "someone walking over my grave" gone. And yet I feel more alone than ever. MUch like a person in a old folks home feels whn the calles quit comming and familt no longer has time to visit. I have long pledged an allegance to someone for whom for all may know never knew nor may have ever cared for what i myself never knew i gave to them. I sit here in tears and for what i cry i do not know. I write cause i have no onther way to let these feelings go. I love there for i am. To see and hear such words in modern day we but think "oh thats sweet" but to truly feel such things in our lives as we know it would but stop our voice in cold depression for the lack of words known in a mortal tounge. Many of you know of what i speak and im sorry for how i sound. Some of you are wondering if such words even exist, and for you im sorry i cant describe them better. I have long pledged so much to someone who never could graps how someone so far away over so long could have said such things let alone be truthful. Words i have written, words i have said so many times my ears are numb from hearing myself. I sit and i think.... Now so much has happen. I want to be there for all, to tell you what i know, not of a person but from my life in hopes that in dark times something i know may ease a burden. To hold you when you are like me, alone in a sea of thought afraid that its ot true what you feel. But alas i myself many times feel at that point. We exist for those we love, for our freinds for our family.
For me. I have but a sin ...to live such a long life. To loved someone so secretly even to myself. to denie myself life and live in a shadow. Yet i am honored to have still love and miss, if i didnt life for me is but a lie. I have a mate. i have built a "family" i have...had many goals. To those that read, did i mean such things as a sexual relation? Not at all. I belive that many ways he was my soul mate. but that dosent mean i was his. This is by no means a discredit to anyone in my life. The is no singular math to the puzzles in life. I and i know I am someones soul mate. He keeps me going he makes me not give up, he loves and holds me. He is my better half, someone that is cappable of agivating me as much as inspiring hope form the burned remains of my mind. I ponder and i dream, but i do not hope. I pursue my dreams in paper and pen, ideas and theories. the mad typing of a mind over flowing with thought that become jumbled if not laid out to physically grasp in some form or another. The wold i build tetering on a lost ideals. But such is life and all are loved all were part of life. We live but a life one of love and chance. For all to love and all to become like brothers. Should we fail here, what are we but the product of total individualism to the point we are only self important. The world around us echos of this already. And i would But dare tae the last of my dreams and wish for those that are my freinds, family and more to break from the shell of what todays social "norms" have become. To be an individual is a great thing. To beling as something to aotehr and that be returned is soemthing greater than words can describe.
To my freids, my loves, my wards and those I love like brothers, yes it is true the fact has been pointed that unfortunatly and true as it is....i am but a tool a self made tool to someone. I love my mate. I love him the same ...regretably. and i mean only regret that I have Unbalnced myself and denied him that wich he desereves. He has stoob by me for narly 8 years and given me a light to go twards in life. An i have never done to him justice for what i have been given. I belong to them but have never been a worthy, but always loyal.
For me. I have but a sin ...to live such a long life. To loved someone so secretly even to myself. to denie myself life and live in a shadow. Yet i am honored to have still love and miss, if i didnt life for me is but a lie. I have a mate. i have built a "family" i have...had many goals. To those that read, did i mean such things as a sexual relation? Not at all. I belive that many ways he was my soul mate. but that dosent mean i was his. This is by no means a discredit to anyone in my life. The is no singular math to the puzzles in life. I and i know I am someones soul mate. He keeps me going he makes me not give up, he loves and holds me. He is my better half, someone that is cappable of agivating me as much as inspiring hope form the burned remains of my mind. I ponder and i dream, but i do not hope. I pursue my dreams in paper and pen, ideas and theories. the mad typing of a mind over flowing with thought that become jumbled if not laid out to physically grasp in some form or another. The wold i build tetering on a lost ideals. But such is life and all are loved all were part of life. We live but a life one of love and chance. For all to love and all to become like brothers. Should we fail here, what are we but the product of total individualism to the point we are only self important. The world around us echos of this already. And i would But dare tae the last of my dreams and wish for those that are my freinds, family and more to break from the shell of what todays social "norms" have become. To be an individual is a great thing. To beling as something to aotehr and that be returned is soemthing greater than words can describe.
To my freids, my loves, my wards and those I love like brothers, yes it is true the fact has been pointed that unfortunatly and true as it is....i am but a tool a self made tool to someone. I love my mate. I love him the same ...regretably. and i mean only regret that I have Unbalnced myself and denied him that wich he desereves. He has stoob by me for narly 8 years and given me a light to go twards in life. An i have never done to him justice for what i have been given. I belong to them but have never been a worthy, but always loyal.