I'm a little high, the walls are thin, everything is spilling onto the floor. No mops are big enough
I keep waking up in the night with nightmares. So Horrible and vivid and cruel and heartbreaking that I clutch Eddie and make him tell me he will protect me.
Until about a week ago, I never gave any though to how much time I actually think about my weight. I've sadly realized that since I was about 12, I have thought about my weight every hour or so, ALWAYS wondering if the events of me life would have unfolded differently, like playing soccer, and have boys pass me notes. As a teenager it was always "would I have gotten that part"?
or, suddley put " were gonna have to work hard girl, I can't let out that tutu anymore" form my mother
or "i wish I didn't have to buy so many pointe shoes, you could make them last so much longer"
or " i would be able to jump higher"
or " totally don't look like a heroine for this play"
it actually started as early as third grade, when I first started to feel my breasts hurt when I ran. That was the time I realized my tummy stuck farther out then the other girls at the barre in class, "TUCK YOU BELLY BUTTONS TO YOU SPINE!"
I literally think about my weight every half hour at least. When I realized this, I felt so down. I felt tired, like, "if I had known that I would 175 lbs when I was 20, I would have really been care free" because I would know "this isn't as bad as its going to get".
I'm telling you, its at its worst. I always had an active lifestyle, but when my parents divorced, I went downhill. I ate everything in sight, and was never full. I remember hiding hot cheetos once, just once, in my headboard with the drawer, I used to sneak into the cuboard and sneak chocolates under my shirt to my room. I would eat an entire bag of trader joes potstickers for dinner, and I would have four large peices of toast with butter and smuckers strawberry jam for a SNACK.
I've been on a different kind or diet, sometimes two, each year since I started middle school. Thats almost 8 years. half of my life could have been so much better.
Since I met Eddie, I've been eating well, and doing stuff. for the last 2 years, I've been eating a healthy, balanced diet, and excersizing regularly, I paddled last year, and things were only improving, yet, I've never lost more than 5 pounds without continuing. I'm forty pound heavier than when i started dieting at thirteen. I have a healthier diet than ANYONE I know, I go to the gym 2- 3 days a week, I paddle 4 days a week.
I haven't lost a pound.
Why is it so easy for some people? I'm not talking about model women. I see so many girls who wear shorts without caring, or don't feel the need to cover up their arms.
I am so tired. Tired like an old man who worked hard his whole life dreaming about a beautiful house and a garden and a porch with lots of grandkids, as he sits looking out the window from his chair at a nursing home that his kids who live across the country put him in.
When will this end.
Will I be forced to think about this my whole life? every hour on the hour "gosh, I bet someday I could wear a shirt like that"
I am so tired.
For the past ten years has been me fighting towards never having to doubt myself again. Not thinking that I'm " the fat friend". I can't dedicate myself toward fighting an uphill battle anymore. I'm farther away from where I started. half my life could have been better.
I realized that in almost every descision I've ever made, my weight has been a factor. I can do this anymore, I even, for the first time considered liposuction. I couldn't live with that descision any more than I could with abortion, because liposuction is the ultimate failure.
I understand i was lazy for a few months, but it wasnt so bad. Why me? Why do I, who is very deserving of something coming easy for her, and has the self confidence and wisdom to appreciate health and beauty, inside and out? I've had to work for everything I have right now. I had loving parents overall, but it really sucks right now.
all my clothes are a little tight.
Ironically, the times im thinking about how much i like about my reflection, is when I see it in Eddie's eyes when he looks at me. Its harder now after he hurt my feelings, its not very important. 99.5 % of the time I beleive wholeheartedly that when he says he loves me and how pretty I am, that its sincere. That last 5% is just during that bad time of the month.
I deserve somethimg easy. I'm done with the trials that God keeps asking me to complete.
Dear God,
Let me be one of your ignorant fools, and let me be happy, and shallow. I'm done here.
Camille, just another girl compling about her weight.
Until about a week ago, I never gave any though to how much time I actually think about my weight. I've sadly realized that since I was about 12, I have thought about my weight every hour or so, ALWAYS wondering if the events of me life would have unfolded differently, like playing soccer, and have boys pass me notes. As a teenager it was always "would I have gotten that part"?
or, suddley put " were gonna have to work hard girl, I can't let out that tutu anymore" form my mother
or "i wish I didn't have to buy so many pointe shoes, you could make them last so much longer"
or " i would be able to jump higher"
or " totally don't look like a heroine for this play"
it actually started as early as third grade, when I first started to feel my breasts hurt when I ran. That was the time I realized my tummy stuck farther out then the other girls at the barre in class, "TUCK YOU BELLY BUTTONS TO YOU SPINE!"
I literally think about my weight every half hour at least. When I realized this, I felt so down. I felt tired, like, "if I had known that I would 175 lbs when I was 20, I would have really been care free" because I would know "this isn't as bad as its going to get".
I'm telling you, its at its worst. I always had an active lifestyle, but when my parents divorced, I went downhill. I ate everything in sight, and was never full. I remember hiding hot cheetos once, just once, in my headboard with the drawer, I used to sneak into the cuboard and sneak chocolates under my shirt to my room. I would eat an entire bag of trader joes potstickers for dinner, and I would have four large peices of toast with butter and smuckers strawberry jam for a SNACK.
I've been on a different kind or diet, sometimes two, each year since I started middle school. Thats almost 8 years. half of my life could have been so much better.
Since I met Eddie, I've been eating well, and doing stuff. for the last 2 years, I've been eating a healthy, balanced diet, and excersizing regularly, I paddled last year, and things were only improving, yet, I've never lost more than 5 pounds without continuing. I'm forty pound heavier than when i started dieting at thirteen. I have a healthier diet than ANYONE I know, I go to the gym 2- 3 days a week, I paddle 4 days a week.
I haven't lost a pound.
Why is it so easy for some people? I'm not talking about model women. I see so many girls who wear shorts without caring, or don't feel the need to cover up their arms.
I am so tired. Tired like an old man who worked hard his whole life dreaming about a beautiful house and a garden and a porch with lots of grandkids, as he sits looking out the window from his chair at a nursing home that his kids who live across the country put him in.
When will this end.
Will I be forced to think about this my whole life? every hour on the hour "gosh, I bet someday I could wear a shirt like that"
I am so tired.
For the past ten years has been me fighting towards never having to doubt myself again. Not thinking that I'm " the fat friend". I can't dedicate myself toward fighting an uphill battle anymore. I'm farther away from where I started. half my life could have been better.
I realized that in almost every descision I've ever made, my weight has been a factor. I can do this anymore, I even, for the first time considered liposuction. I couldn't live with that descision any more than I could with abortion, because liposuction is the ultimate failure.
I understand i was lazy for a few months, but it wasnt so bad. Why me? Why do I, who is very deserving of something coming easy for her, and has the self confidence and wisdom to appreciate health and beauty, inside and out? I've had to work for everything I have right now. I had loving parents overall, but it really sucks right now.
all my clothes are a little tight.
Ironically, the times im thinking about how much i like about my reflection, is when I see it in Eddie's eyes when he looks at me. Its harder now after he hurt my feelings, its not very important. 99.5 % of the time I beleive wholeheartedly that when he says he loves me and how pretty I am, that its sincere. That last 5% is just during that bad time of the month.
I deserve somethimg easy. I'm done with the trials that God keeps asking me to complete.
Dear God,
Let me be one of your ignorant fools, and let me be happy, and shallow. I'm done here.
Camille, just another girl compling about her weight.