discovery
Learned alot about myself this week. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder, of which type they have yet to specify. I came back to my side-o'-hill hole and researched personality disorders. From what I can judge, I mostly fall under schizoid and schizotypal. No, that doesn't mean that I'm a schizophrenic. Very different. It basically means that I'm a loner, a chronic loner. And that makes so much sense to me now. In fact, the most common disorder associated with those who possess schizoid or schizotypal is major depressive disorder, which is what I have also been diagnosed with. Of course I have friends, but they are all people with whom I have spent alot of quality time alone. Good thing most of us just so happened to click together in Othello. That's pretty rare. But it don't just want, I NEED, my alone time. I need my sense of autonomy. So the constant bombardment of orders, socialization, being crowded by those who mean along with those who definately do not, breaks me down like butter in the microwave. I never quite realized this before. I always thought that I was just too picky, that it was my fault and all I had to do was change my thinking. Not so. I need my space. And myspace. I know, booooooo. Anyways... so all this social interaction puts so much pressure on me that I eventually crack, hence the major depressive disorder, in which I feel "hopeless and trapped" as I have said before. I jump straight to self harm because I know that there is no other way I could simply just dissapear like I need to. And if there was, it would involve reasoning with these folks which for me is another nightmare. I'm just learning this myself. I realize now that I am most happy and content on my own. That's not to say that I resent everybody, or that I don't care about my family or friends. But being in touch with myself is most important, and without that I can be nothing to anybody else. There's some insight for you. Love you all.