Silent
For a long time. As some of you have noticed, I deleted my myspace awhile back. I told most of you that I simply didn't want it anymore. Truth is, it was the first thing I did to tie up loose ends because I wanted to kill myself that weekend. I somehow snapped out of it, so now I'm just a sad dude with no myspace. It hard for me to admit that I was actually planning it. I feel ashamed about feeling the way that I do. I feel pretty selfish. Times have been very tumultuous for me. I've been in and out of the hospital since may 5th. I don't understand myself or anything else right now. I'm trying to hold on. I've been binge eating and chain smoking for the last week. I have no self control. It's hard to get help for this. I don't know what the future holds. I was trying to keep it together yesterday but I got in the middle of a large crowd and that destroyed me. I laid down on the pavement by the water for a while and I finally got myself to get up and walk across down town back to Angels car. She drove me back to the synagogue and I got into my car and bought a ton of food and went back to my room and ate most of it, and puked some of it up. Sat in the bathroom and traced the veins in my left arm with my field knife. Today I woke up, smoked, ate some more, smoked, got two cd cases out of my car and organized my cds and threw away the ones that were scratched. Listened to the danielson family to make sure it wasn't scratched, and listened to Amnesiac and Kid A to make sure those weren't scratched. Watched some of the Mexico-Iran game. Was going to watch the Angola-Portugal game but I slept through it. All my teams are losing. Went to the coffee shop and listened to Hector and Ali play for awhile and talked to one of the workers their who seems to like me. Bought some wings and devoured them. Took out the garbage. Now I'm typing. I'm worried about tomorrow. I'm supposed to talk to my CO and now I have all these cuts on my arm. So many people are concerned about me and that makes me feel horrible. I hope nobody feels guilty like I do. Nobody should. Damn. As a kid, I don't recall saying that when I grow up, I want to be suicidal and miserable.