(no subject)
So just finished Brokeback Mountain. Had a little cry, although I think I need to absolutely bawl my eyes out...
Watching the film has kind of shown me exactly why I haven't been happy for quite a while. Since coming back after Easter I have just generally been feeling a little 'meh', and emotionally it has definitely culminated in recent days.
Basically, as I begin to leave my teen years behind (although this is coincidental) I'm starting to think about the future. One thing that has been bothering me for the last few months is my career and what I'm going to do with myself, especially as I am very aware I'm unlikely to be good enough to do what I want to do (and that is true. I'm not searching for compliments). And I don't even know exactly what that is yet. I don't really want to be an Arts Administrator - I want to be a musician or actively and creatively musical, not indirectly. But as I continue to think about 'the future' and a career I start to think about my social life and how eventually everything will have to change. Now usually this is a good thing, but for some reason I just can't see myself meeting new people and making new good friends. Recently I have been getting more and more anti-social, ie not making conversation with people, avoiding social events, not attempting to engage with people and feeling more and more paranoid. So firstly I worry that if I move to London let's say to be an MD or whatever I won't have a social life and have no friends. That absolutely petrifies me.
But what has really been getting to me is the fact that a career doesn't make you as a human being. It can do quite easily, and especially for the large part of your life, but what it comes down to really is a family. You are put on this earth to reproduce and however far evolved we are we still yearn to do that.
And I just can't see it. I can't see me being with someone and having kids and growing old whilst children grow up and I care for them.
Now I know that's so easy for me to say, especially being only 19 and all, but I just cannot see that happening. Especially as a gay man. Gay relationships just don't really work in the long term. And if they do having a family is hard and complicated due to society, etc. I just can't imagine any of it. Nothing at all.
And these two thoughts, helped along by Sondheim's wonderful Company make me realise that it's very likely that I will end up being the single friend to all the 'good and crazy people my married friends'. That's what it'll be. I'll be the third wheel, the odd one out, the one everyone feels sorry for. Whilst my friends find someone who is essentially their 'best friend' and quite easily the most important person in their lives.
I'm not being melodramatic. This is really how I'm feeling at the moment and I just feel awful. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I don't really see any point to it.
In slight other news I have an exam tomorrow which I am not 100% prepared for and really just don't want to do. Not in a 'Oh my God an exam' way, I'm just mentally not ready to sit down and be intelligent about symphonies in the twentieth century.
I really hope all of this is just me lacking a project. I'm sure it is...
Watching the film has kind of shown me exactly why I haven't been happy for quite a while. Since coming back after Easter I have just generally been feeling a little 'meh', and emotionally it has definitely culminated in recent days.
Basically, as I begin to leave my teen years behind (although this is coincidental) I'm starting to think about the future. One thing that has been bothering me for the last few months is my career and what I'm going to do with myself, especially as I am very aware I'm unlikely to be good enough to do what I want to do (and that is true. I'm not searching for compliments). And I don't even know exactly what that is yet. I don't really want to be an Arts Administrator - I want to be a musician or actively and creatively musical, not indirectly. But as I continue to think about 'the future' and a career I start to think about my social life and how eventually everything will have to change. Now usually this is a good thing, but for some reason I just can't see myself meeting new people and making new good friends. Recently I have been getting more and more anti-social, ie not making conversation with people, avoiding social events, not attempting to engage with people and feeling more and more paranoid. So firstly I worry that if I move to London let's say to be an MD or whatever I won't have a social life and have no friends. That absolutely petrifies me.
But what has really been getting to me is the fact that a career doesn't make you as a human being. It can do quite easily, and especially for the large part of your life, but what it comes down to really is a family. You are put on this earth to reproduce and however far evolved we are we still yearn to do that.
And I just can't see it. I can't see me being with someone and having kids and growing old whilst children grow up and I care for them.
Now I know that's so easy for me to say, especially being only 19 and all, but I just cannot see that happening. Especially as a gay man. Gay relationships just don't really work in the long term. And if they do having a family is hard and complicated due to society, etc. I just can't imagine any of it. Nothing at all.
And these two thoughts, helped along by Sondheim's wonderful Company make me realise that it's very likely that I will end up being the single friend to all the 'good and crazy people my married friends'. That's what it'll be. I'll be the third wheel, the odd one out, the one everyone feels sorry for. Whilst my friends find someone who is essentially their 'best friend' and quite easily the most important person in their lives.
I'm not being melodramatic. This is really how I'm feeling at the moment and I just feel awful. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I don't really see any point to it.
In slight other news I have an exam tomorrow which I am not 100% prepared for and really just don't want to do. Not in a 'Oh my God an exam' way, I'm just mentally not ready to sit down and be intelligent about symphonies in the twentieth century.
I really hope all of this is just me lacking a project. I'm sure it is...