Two updates in two days... (!)
Well today has perhaps been the most sucessful and promising day of my music career so far.
Firstly I recorded a multitrack flute duet using six microphones in a huge 3 million pound recording studio and it sounds phenominal.
Then I rushed over to Bury in which I gave a twenty minute recital in their Parish Church (which is fucking huge. Looks more like a mini cathderal...) alongside Alex Knox which Opera Now Magazine recently named one of their 'Stars of the Future.' It was also my first paid singing gig (it's taking me a while, yes...) and although it was only £20 - that's not bad for 15 minutes work! Also the BBC filmed the beginning bit of the concert because they were doing a bit on the Tories winning Bury council!
Then rushed back to Manchester to give my conductoral debut in the Manchester University New Music Ensemble conducting a really hard piece (made SO many mistakes, but it didn't go too badly!).
Yet I have never felt so useless as a musician. I cried in a rehearsal today when someone, jokingly, said 'nice of you to turn up'. It was down to the horrible fact that I'd lost ALL the music for the piece I was conducting and I stressed myself out muchly, but still... Shouldn't have cried. I just despise that feeling when you cry and people make assumptions about you. Weak, pathetic, compromising, etc. And although I do enjoy a good cry, it's not something you do in front of a load of people who are the 'Music Department' when you're president next year. What kind of image does that set up?!
But yes. Both the afternoon concert and the evening concert just made me feel useless in every possible way. Alex is an amazing singer, and just showed me up totally - it was SO depressing. Also in the main rehearsal before the conducting concert I just looked like a total div, just not leading the ensemble very well.
Even though I am progressing greatly in so many different aspects of music (that's another thing - I should be specializing, not branching out) I feel as if I'm not improving, especially compared to my peers. Then again some of my 'peers' are the future musicians who will mould the major orchestras in this country, or be our next major mezzo-soprano, etc.
I need a stuff G&T!