Talk about emotions.
Good things and bad things today. Let's get to the good.
Yeah, that's about it for right now.
Bad.
I'm kind of always finding myself in this position that I'm not very helpful to anyone. I tend to be more emotional about things to the point I don't want to help anyone because I may be doing more damage than good. In fact, every time I catch myself reaching out, I almost hate myself for doing so. I think, god, they must think I'm an idiot. Everything I'm saying is just appreciated but not considered and I shouldn't have spoken up in the first place. People know I care; why should I bother talking?
Today, I felt like complete and utter shit. I sat and looked at myself and my words and didn't feel them reaching anyone or going anywhere. I didn't feel like I touched anyone's hearts or even came close to their concerns and problems. There was a time when I felt like my words meant something but lately... I don't know. They don't feel like they mean anything at all.
Now it's hurting because I wonder if that's why I'm not even decent at writing anymore. My words are meaningless and reach no one - or so it feels, sometimes. Why can't I write something that will make someone cry or feel the emotions I want them to feel? Why can't I just speak in general and know that I'm touching someone's spirit and bringing them comfort?
No, I just get stupid and upset and I only get more angry and upset with that person's bad situation because I know I'm unable to do anything about it with the only thing I have to offer: words and my feelings that coincide with them. I feel like if I show the emotions inside of me more, maybe it will reach the other person, but in the end, I feel like no matter what I say, feel, think, or do to reach out and connect... there's nothing. There's nothing for me to hook onto.
I'm glad I have people I do bond with on a friendly level and I've met a lot of bros lately that have been just the epitome of fun, but I don't feel like I'll ever be someone they can confide in, even though most of these friendships are still young. There are many that are aged and, yet, I feel more like I'm trapped in high school where I want someone that needs to be heard to hear me say I'm listening, but it just seems to keep falling on deaf ears.
Some people - new people, no less - have taken moments to confide in me and I'm happier for it, so it's not to say it never happens. I guess just today was a bad day. I don't feel like I'm a mature adult or someone people can count on, so I just... I don't know.
Everything feels absent. My life is looking up, but I don't know where my emotions are going now. I feel like crying and I can't even do that.
- Accepted into SCAD : Got an e-mail and phone call today saying I'd been accepted into SCAD with a $2,000 scholarship attached. Neat. I just need to submit my portfolio to try and qualify for an artistic scholarship now, but I'm not getting my hopes up for that one.
- T-mobile & other job interviews : I had an interview with T-mobile yesterday and am up for a second interview, which they've yet to schedule. Friday, I have an interview with Sears to be a cashier, which is fine, too. Funnily enough, the two locations are right across the road from one another. Whoever hires me first, wins. On the topic of jobs, though, my little online part-time job has $100 coming at me tomorrow. The guy was in the hospital and fell off the grid for a bit, but he's back now, so I'm going to keep that job, too.
Yeah, that's about it for right now.
Bad.
I'm kind of always finding myself in this position that I'm not very helpful to anyone. I tend to be more emotional about things to the point I don't want to help anyone because I may be doing more damage than good. In fact, every time I catch myself reaching out, I almost hate myself for doing so. I think, god, they must think I'm an idiot. Everything I'm saying is just appreciated but not considered and I shouldn't have spoken up in the first place. People know I care; why should I bother talking?
Today, I felt like complete and utter shit. I sat and looked at myself and my words and didn't feel them reaching anyone or going anywhere. I didn't feel like I touched anyone's hearts or even came close to their concerns and problems. There was a time when I felt like my words meant something but lately... I don't know. They don't feel like they mean anything at all.
Now it's hurting because I wonder if that's why I'm not even decent at writing anymore. My words are meaningless and reach no one - or so it feels, sometimes. Why can't I write something that will make someone cry or feel the emotions I want them to feel? Why can't I just speak in general and know that I'm touching someone's spirit and bringing them comfort?
No, I just get stupid and upset and I only get more angry and upset with that person's bad situation because I know I'm unable to do anything about it with the only thing I have to offer: words and my feelings that coincide with them. I feel like if I show the emotions inside of me more, maybe it will reach the other person, but in the end, I feel like no matter what I say, feel, think, or do to reach out and connect... there's nothing. There's nothing for me to hook onto.
I'm glad I have people I do bond with on a friendly level and I've met a lot of bros lately that have been just the epitome of fun, but I don't feel like I'll ever be someone they can confide in, even though most of these friendships are still young. There are many that are aged and, yet, I feel more like I'm trapped in high school where I want someone that needs to be heard to hear me say I'm listening, but it just seems to keep falling on deaf ears.
Some people - new people, no less - have taken moments to confide in me and I'm happier for it, so it's not to say it never happens. I guess just today was a bad day. I don't feel like I'm a mature adult or someone people can count on, so I just... I don't know.
Everything feels absent. My life is looking up, but I don't know where my emotions are going now. I feel like crying and I can't even do that.