Letters to David Suzuki
Back in November, during the first season of Earl and my Trent Radio show, Mike and Earl's (Earl and Mike's!) Fortnightly Follies, Earl and I decided to start our own letter-writing campaign to David Suzuki. With only a few days before the broadcast of our program, we decided to write a series of three letters, one for each day until the program, each becoming progressively less formal and progressively more insane.
The other day Earl and I had the pleasure of sharing the three hilarious letters with somebody who hadn't listened to the radio show before. It then dawned on me that I should probably make these letters available to read online somewhere, if not for those who never heard the radio show, then for people who had heard the show and might be interested in re-reading these ridiculous letters.
Enjoy.
The First Letter:
Dearest David Suzuki,
As devout and longtime followers of your heroic crusade to save the planet from certain peril, we know we can count on you to resolve a dilemma that has been plaguing our psyches for longer than we can bear.
We are Mike Moring and Earl Sacrey, and we host a weighty and far-reaching radio programme broadcast from Peterborough, Ontario - a city renowned as being the artistic capital of Central Ontario. As such, we generally explore matters of artistic relevance, but as of late we have found ourselves compelled to delve into issues of much greater consequence.
Following discourses on such topics as public education, the state of health care, Middle-Eastern conflict, animal husbandry, euthanasia and childhood obesity, we turned our attention to the pressing issue of poverty. We became so enveloped in this matter that we decided to expand our horizons; having previous experience as filmmakers, we produced a series of three public service announcement videos that will soon begin to broadcast on local and regional television stations. If you’re interested, the videos can be viewed online by visiting the following URLs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChgjRCaNGp4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkIyqoREpn0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGaGsKw6YeE
These videos were produced in partnership with the Ontario Council for International Cooperation and the local chapter of the Make Poverty History organization. They have been well received by both politicians and the general public at a number of preliminary screenings and each convey a specific concern related to the multifaceted topic of poverty (you will find the second to be particularly droll).
For our upcoming radio programme, scheduled to broadcast on Wednesday, November 28th, we’ve decided to tackle the globally crucial subject of the rapidly deteriorating environment. In researching for this programme, we awoke, disheartened and horrified, to the profundity of the environmental impact made by our own personal lifestyles. Specifically, we find ourselves worried by the regrettable fact that we take lengthy and steamy showers (not together). Mike, in particular, has acquired a taste for near-scalding temperatures.
Now this, Dr. Suzuki, is where we need your expertise. While the obvious benefits of frequent showers (enhanced hygiene, reduction of embarrassing bodily odours and exfoliation of the skin for example) necessitate their use, we’ve grown concerned by both the volume of water consumed in our indulgence and the amount of energy wasted to heat said water. The trouble is that the shower has become a sanctuary of sorts: a peaceful retreat that allows us the temporary privilege of comfort, self-reflection and productive thought; Earl confesses that some of his best work is conceived while under the warm embrace of the faucet.
What is it that you, kind doctor, would advise us to do to resolve this predicament? Should we shower less than our accustomed once-daily, thereby increasing the risk of developing an unpleasant and socially ruinous aroma? Should we limit the heat content of the blessed waters, thereby adding discomfort to our sanctimonious retreats? Or should we brave certain humiliation and engage in the often awkward practice of showering communally? It is worth noting that the benefits afforded to us by the shower render a conversion to standard bathing positively out of the question.
It is of utmost urgency that you recommend a course of action before the broadcast of our November 28th programme. We implore you to bestow your wisdom; you’re the only one we trust to provide guidance. Lead us, David Suzuki.
Yours in desperation,
Mike Moring
Telephone: (705) 876 - 0142
E-Mail: mikemoring@hotmail.com
Earl Sacrey
Telephone: (705) 742-2029
E-Mail: earlsacrey@trentu.ca
PS. It has come to our attention that the only means of direct communication to your office, Dr. Suzuki, is through mail or facsimile. It seems to us that these are the most wasteful forms of communication available in this technologically advanced age. Why must we waste paper when correspondence by either e-mail or telephone would yield the same results with less impact on this frail and failing vessel we call Earth?
PPS. After spotting many of your billboards and watching your promotional shorts on television, we have both replaced all the old incandescent light bulbs in our respective homes. Boy, are these compact fluorescents fantastic!
PPPS. You should have something done about the particularly unflattering snapshot of you that has been selected for display on your Wikipedia article. We have certainly seen many photographs that better capture your allure and mystique.
The Second Letter:
Dear David Suzuki,
It has been a full day since our last facsimile to your office, and we find ourselves more than a little disappointed that you have yet to respond to our desperate plea for guidance. We understand, of course, that you are a busy man with a pressing schedule full of speaking engagements and so forth, but if our nation’s visionaries can not make some time to lend a hand with such imperative issues as ours, to whom can we possibly turn?
We are, of course, Mike Moring and Earl Sacrey. You will recall that we host a radio show in Peterborough, Ontario that has recently turned its eye to matters of great consequence - from poverty and abortion to aboriginal rights and lactose intolerance - and that we are currently working on a programme about environmentalism to continue in this trend.
We have hit a stumbling block here though, and as indicated in our previous supplication, we can think of no one but you who is learned enough to possibly extend a helping hand. Although you have been hitherto unwilling to impart your wisdom and turn your intellect to solving our problem, allow us to remind you of the nature of our dilemma in good faith that you simply need a reminder of how critical our situation is.
You will recall that our quandary was in relation to that most pleasant and important of daily rituals, the shower. While we have recently been made aware of the environmental hazards inherent in the process, we are loathe to abandon or even substantially modify what essentially amounts to the last vestiges of peace and solitude in our otherwise helter-skelter lives. We are unsure how to proceed in regard to minimalizing the environmental impact of our showers and none of the solutions we considered seemed satisfactory, as we intimated in our last letter.
We must have your recommendation, David Suzuki; it is vital to our states-of-mind! This morning, for example, Earl simply stood in front of his bathtub for nearly ten minutes, waging internal war and debating just how far to turn that heat knob, debating how long to commit to that steamy sanctum, and even going so far as to debate whether or not to have a shower at all. By the time he built up the audacity to disregard the possibly catastrophic repercussions of such a decision, and clean himself as normal, he found himself late for a most important engagement.
Mike, too, has experienced overwhelming distress as a result of this unanswered plight. This morning, his mind swollen with scattered thoughts of guilt, confusion, and helplessness, he ended up showering until the searing heat of his hallowed waters ran icy cold against his skin.
Without your sagacious leadership, we are clearly lost. You have not responded with the promptness we might have expected from one who cares about these issues as much as you seem to, but we have faith that with this small reminder your impetus to respond will be renewed.
If not for us, David Suzuki, do it for the hundreds, if not thousands of ordinary people whose consciences are afflicted by this complicated and maddening issue of environmental concern.
Please speak for the trees David Suzuki; they cannot speak for themselves.
Yours in continued desperation,
Mike Moring
Telephone: (705) 876-0142
E-mail: mikemoring@hotmail.com
Earl Sacrey
Telephone: (705) 742-2029
E-mail: earlsacrey@trentu.ca
PS - Re-visiting your Foundation’s website today, we were discovered, much to our shock and revulsion, that your office still asks for communication by means of mail or facsimile. Could it be that you truly don’t care that such things are wasteful and use more precious paper than the alternatives of electronic-mail or telephone? This policy is detrimental to your Foundation’s image as an organization that cares about the planet. Please help us to understand the reasoning behind this madness.
PPS - The photo of you on Wikipedia remains similarly unchanged; this is worrisome. It would be unseemly for the word to believe you as homely as you are uncommunicative when we know that this is not the case.
The Third Letter:
David Suzuki,
We find ourselves at a loss for words to express the frustration we have experienced in trying to communicate with you over the last two days. Not only do you remain remarkably unresponsive to our appeals for assistance, it seems that your facsimile machine has been less than fully functional for the last 24-hours at least.
We are, once again, Mike Moring and Earl Sacrey, radio hosts from Peterborough Ontario, and we recently tried to send a second facsimile to follow up our first. We sent it on three separate occasions ranging from yesterday afternoon to this morning, and experienced no response at your end. Finally, on the fourth attempt over a 24-hour period, the fax went through. If you unreasonably insist on such archaic and wasteful means of communication as the facsimile, one would assume that you might at least maintain the necessary equipment in a reasonable working order!
At any rate, it is our hope that you have received both of our preceding transmissions, although that seems dubious as you have thus-far remained rudely unresponsive.
Although further reminders border on redundancy, we are desperate for you to ameliorate our troubles, and so we will ask you one more time: How, wise sir, can we reduce the environmental impact of our showers without reducing their blissful comforts? We are not willing to continue in the barbarous globe-slaughtering we have hitherto engaged in, but nor can we see ourselves through to a life without the lovingly moist reception we experience each morning as we reverentially turn the valves and enter own private citadel of peace and the last bastion of private thought left to us.
We grow more and more distressed, David Suzuki. Yesterday, Earl is ashamed to relate, he needed two lengthy trips into the muggy strongholds just to cope with his fervent distress at not being able to contact you properly.
Mike, on the other hand, has taken far too many steps down the opposite path, and has not showered at all in the last 24-hours. His family worries that he may soon grow too odious to bear.
Could it be that you are not the kind soul we thought you were? Could it be that you aren’t really concerned with the common person’s struggle to bolster our feeble, brittle, and rapidly deteriorating little home? Could it be that you just don’t care about us? We would have thought that you cared, David Suzuki; we thought that you would be the one to help!
To speak plainly, this deficiency of response grows as tiresome as it is ridiculous. We continue to partake in arbour-genocide to send you these facsimiles, but you continue to ignore our desperate pleas for help. We are the voices of the small and the weak, and we need to be shaded by your sheltering wing of knowledge. Protect us, doctor, please, protect us from certain madness, just as you protect this planet from certain doom - we have no one else to turn to!
Yours in Fear,
Mike Moring
Telephone: (705)876-0142
E-mail: mikemoring@hotmail.com
Earl Sacrey
Telephone: (705)-742-2029
E-mail: earlsacrey@hotmail.com
Aftermath:
Now unbeknown to me and Earl, David Suzuki's office had actually already called and left a message on my answering machine before we faxed the third letter.
The message on my phone went something like this:
"Hi, this message is for Mike. Mike, it's Elois calling from David Suzuki's office. Thanks for your second fax, I've sent it along to David and he'll respond shortly. Just to clarify a couple of things for you: Number One, the first fax you sent was on a Sat-ur-day and while you may decide to work seven days a week, I don't. So that's in response to, 'Why wasn't my fax of Saturday answered?'
"Secondly, just so you can relax about the request for faxes and the wastefulness of it: They actually come in on my computer and unless I choose to print them, they don't necessitate the use of any paper whatsoever.
"And when David responds, the response will get to you as quick as can be. Thanks very much."
David Suzuki never responded personally. Probably because we pooched our chances of actually hearing back, as promised by Elois, when we sent our third fax without knowing they'd already attempted to get in touch with us.
Oh well. At least we have an amusing anecdote.
The other day Earl and I had the pleasure of sharing the three hilarious letters with somebody who hadn't listened to the radio show before. It then dawned on me that I should probably make these letters available to read online somewhere, if not for those who never heard the radio show, then for people who had heard the show and might be interested in re-reading these ridiculous letters.
Enjoy.
The First Letter:
Dearest David Suzuki,
As devout and longtime followers of your heroic crusade to save the planet from certain peril, we know we can count on you to resolve a dilemma that has been plaguing our psyches for longer than we can bear.
We are Mike Moring and Earl Sacrey, and we host a weighty and far-reaching radio programme broadcast from Peterborough, Ontario - a city renowned as being the artistic capital of Central Ontario. As such, we generally explore matters of artistic relevance, but as of late we have found ourselves compelled to delve into issues of much greater consequence.
Following discourses on such topics as public education, the state of health care, Middle-Eastern conflict, animal husbandry, euthanasia and childhood obesity, we turned our attention to the pressing issue of poverty. We became so enveloped in this matter that we decided to expand our horizons; having previous experience as filmmakers, we produced a series of three public service announcement videos that will soon begin to broadcast on local and regional television stations. If you’re interested, the videos can be viewed online by visiting the following URLs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChgjRCaNGp4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkIyqoREpn0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGaGsKw6YeE
These videos were produced in partnership with the Ontario Council for International Cooperation and the local chapter of the Make Poverty History organization. They have been well received by both politicians and the general public at a number of preliminary screenings and each convey a specific concern related to the multifaceted topic of poverty (you will find the second to be particularly droll).
For our upcoming radio programme, scheduled to broadcast on Wednesday, November 28th, we’ve decided to tackle the globally crucial subject of the rapidly deteriorating environment. In researching for this programme, we awoke, disheartened and horrified, to the profundity of the environmental impact made by our own personal lifestyles. Specifically, we find ourselves worried by the regrettable fact that we take lengthy and steamy showers (not together). Mike, in particular, has acquired a taste for near-scalding temperatures.
Now this, Dr. Suzuki, is where we need your expertise. While the obvious benefits of frequent showers (enhanced hygiene, reduction of embarrassing bodily odours and exfoliation of the skin for example) necessitate their use, we’ve grown concerned by both the volume of water consumed in our indulgence and the amount of energy wasted to heat said water. The trouble is that the shower has become a sanctuary of sorts: a peaceful retreat that allows us the temporary privilege of comfort, self-reflection and productive thought; Earl confesses that some of his best work is conceived while under the warm embrace of the faucet.
What is it that you, kind doctor, would advise us to do to resolve this predicament? Should we shower less than our accustomed once-daily, thereby increasing the risk of developing an unpleasant and socially ruinous aroma? Should we limit the heat content of the blessed waters, thereby adding discomfort to our sanctimonious retreats? Or should we brave certain humiliation and engage in the often awkward practice of showering communally? It is worth noting that the benefits afforded to us by the shower render a conversion to standard bathing positively out of the question.
It is of utmost urgency that you recommend a course of action before the broadcast of our November 28th programme. We implore you to bestow your wisdom; you’re the only one we trust to provide guidance. Lead us, David Suzuki.
Yours in desperation,
Mike Moring
Telephone: (705) 876 - 0142
E-Mail: mikemoring@hotmail.com
Earl Sacrey
Telephone: (705) 742-2029
E-Mail: earlsacrey@trentu.ca
PS. It has come to our attention that the only means of direct communication to your office, Dr. Suzuki, is through mail or facsimile. It seems to us that these are the most wasteful forms of communication available in this technologically advanced age. Why must we waste paper when correspondence by either e-mail or telephone would yield the same results with less impact on this frail and failing vessel we call Earth?
PPS. After spotting many of your billboards and watching your promotional shorts on television, we have both replaced all the old incandescent light bulbs in our respective homes. Boy, are these compact fluorescents fantastic!
PPPS. You should have something done about the particularly unflattering snapshot of you that has been selected for display on your Wikipedia article. We have certainly seen many photographs that better capture your allure and mystique.
The Second Letter:
Dear David Suzuki,
It has been a full day since our last facsimile to your office, and we find ourselves more than a little disappointed that you have yet to respond to our desperate plea for guidance. We understand, of course, that you are a busy man with a pressing schedule full of speaking engagements and so forth, but if our nation’s visionaries can not make some time to lend a hand with such imperative issues as ours, to whom can we possibly turn?
We are, of course, Mike Moring and Earl Sacrey. You will recall that we host a radio show in Peterborough, Ontario that has recently turned its eye to matters of great consequence - from poverty and abortion to aboriginal rights and lactose intolerance - and that we are currently working on a programme about environmentalism to continue in this trend.
We have hit a stumbling block here though, and as indicated in our previous supplication, we can think of no one but you who is learned enough to possibly extend a helping hand. Although you have been hitherto unwilling to impart your wisdom and turn your intellect to solving our problem, allow us to remind you of the nature of our dilemma in good faith that you simply need a reminder of how critical our situation is.
You will recall that our quandary was in relation to that most pleasant and important of daily rituals, the shower. While we have recently been made aware of the environmental hazards inherent in the process, we are loathe to abandon or even substantially modify what essentially amounts to the last vestiges of peace and solitude in our otherwise helter-skelter lives. We are unsure how to proceed in regard to minimalizing the environmental impact of our showers and none of the solutions we considered seemed satisfactory, as we intimated in our last letter.
We must have your recommendation, David Suzuki; it is vital to our states-of-mind! This morning, for example, Earl simply stood in front of his bathtub for nearly ten minutes, waging internal war and debating just how far to turn that heat knob, debating how long to commit to that steamy sanctum, and even going so far as to debate whether or not to have a shower at all. By the time he built up the audacity to disregard the possibly catastrophic repercussions of such a decision, and clean himself as normal, he found himself late for a most important engagement.
Mike, too, has experienced overwhelming distress as a result of this unanswered plight. This morning, his mind swollen with scattered thoughts of guilt, confusion, and helplessness, he ended up showering until the searing heat of his hallowed waters ran icy cold against his skin.
Without your sagacious leadership, we are clearly lost. You have not responded with the promptness we might have expected from one who cares about these issues as much as you seem to, but we have faith that with this small reminder your impetus to respond will be renewed.
If not for us, David Suzuki, do it for the hundreds, if not thousands of ordinary people whose consciences are afflicted by this complicated and maddening issue of environmental concern.
Please speak for the trees David Suzuki; they cannot speak for themselves.
Yours in continued desperation,
Mike Moring
Telephone: (705) 876-0142
E-mail: mikemoring@hotmail.com
Earl Sacrey
Telephone: (705) 742-2029
E-mail: earlsacrey@trentu.ca
PS - Re-visiting your Foundation’s website today, we were discovered, much to our shock and revulsion, that your office still asks for communication by means of mail or facsimile. Could it be that you truly don’t care that such things are wasteful and use more precious paper than the alternatives of electronic-mail or telephone? This policy is detrimental to your Foundation’s image as an organization that cares about the planet. Please help us to understand the reasoning behind this madness.
PPS - The photo of you on Wikipedia remains similarly unchanged; this is worrisome. It would be unseemly for the word to believe you as homely as you are uncommunicative when we know that this is not the case.
The Third Letter:
David Suzuki,
We find ourselves at a loss for words to express the frustration we have experienced in trying to communicate with you over the last two days. Not only do you remain remarkably unresponsive to our appeals for assistance, it seems that your facsimile machine has been less than fully functional for the last 24-hours at least.
We are, once again, Mike Moring and Earl Sacrey, radio hosts from Peterborough Ontario, and we recently tried to send a second facsimile to follow up our first. We sent it on three separate occasions ranging from yesterday afternoon to this morning, and experienced no response at your end. Finally, on the fourth attempt over a 24-hour period, the fax went through. If you unreasonably insist on such archaic and wasteful means of communication as the facsimile, one would assume that you might at least maintain the necessary equipment in a reasonable working order!
At any rate, it is our hope that you have received both of our preceding transmissions, although that seems dubious as you have thus-far remained rudely unresponsive.
Although further reminders border on redundancy, we are desperate for you to ameliorate our troubles, and so we will ask you one more time: How, wise sir, can we reduce the environmental impact of our showers without reducing their blissful comforts? We are not willing to continue in the barbarous globe-slaughtering we have hitherto engaged in, but nor can we see ourselves through to a life without the lovingly moist reception we experience each morning as we reverentially turn the valves and enter own private citadel of peace and the last bastion of private thought left to us.
We grow more and more distressed, David Suzuki. Yesterday, Earl is ashamed to relate, he needed two lengthy trips into the muggy strongholds just to cope with his fervent distress at not being able to contact you properly.
Mike, on the other hand, has taken far too many steps down the opposite path, and has not showered at all in the last 24-hours. His family worries that he may soon grow too odious to bear.
Could it be that you are not the kind soul we thought you were? Could it be that you aren’t really concerned with the common person’s struggle to bolster our feeble, brittle, and rapidly deteriorating little home? Could it be that you just don’t care about us? We would have thought that you cared, David Suzuki; we thought that you would be the one to help!
To speak plainly, this deficiency of response grows as tiresome as it is ridiculous. We continue to partake in arbour-genocide to send you these facsimiles, but you continue to ignore our desperate pleas for help. We are the voices of the small and the weak, and we need to be shaded by your sheltering wing of knowledge. Protect us, doctor, please, protect us from certain madness, just as you protect this planet from certain doom - we have no one else to turn to!
Yours in Fear,
Mike Moring
Telephone: (705)876-0142
E-mail: mikemoring@hotmail.com
Earl Sacrey
Telephone: (705)-742-2029
E-mail: earlsacrey@hotmail.com
Aftermath:
Now unbeknown to me and Earl, David Suzuki's office had actually already called and left a message on my answering machine before we faxed the third letter.
The message on my phone went something like this:
"Hi, this message is for Mike. Mike, it's Elois calling from David Suzuki's office. Thanks for your second fax, I've sent it along to David and he'll respond shortly. Just to clarify a couple of things for you: Number One, the first fax you sent was on a Sat-ur-day and while you may decide to work seven days a week, I don't. So that's in response to, 'Why wasn't my fax of Saturday answered?'
"Secondly, just so you can relax about the request for faxes and the wastefulness of it: They actually come in on my computer and unless I choose to print them, they don't necessitate the use of any paper whatsoever.
"And when David responds, the response will get to you as quick as can be. Thanks very much."
David Suzuki never responded personally. Probably because we pooched our chances of actually hearing back, as promised by Elois, when we sent our third fax without knowing they'd already attempted to get in touch with us.
Oh well. At least we have an amusing anecdote.