let the record show
Let the record show that today was the day I went in to get hired for a job again. After not working for YEARS for anyone else. It's just delivering pizza um and it's not a carrer but it's the only thing i can do besides play music. I've been having nightmares practically every night recently about working again delivering pizza... getting lost on runs fucking everything up. See I'm not social really and it's not really by choice to be cool it's because I'm afraid of people disrespecting me in any capacity. When you work for yourself you do not have to worry about that. But everything I have attempted to do down that road has failed by just the fact that running a business in this day and age is not very acceptable when you have big business out there ready to smote you for every little thing so of course my attempts have failed.
And I've never really felt so hopeless or helpless in my life than now because of what a certain girl kept reminding me of time and time again. I'm 31 and I livw with my mom and I don't have a job. Nothing I did for myself was ever good enough for you you never understood it. I really don't care because I know that my dreams even so unreachable as they seem will happen in time with endless amounts of stuggle and sacrifice. They have to... they just have to... I can't stop believing but I can't stop crying because of it all either.... i need some help dealing with life or too many more disapoints and denials or i am going to fucking snap. I will not live a life of has beens, and could of beens and I don't want to be that person 15 years from now alone or with someone I'm not happy with regretting what I could of been or my wasted talents sitting around playing songs.
I'm gonna get this job save up money for studio time pay whatever bills I can and get my fucking band together go record some demos and put a pro package together and send it to all reps and and record label people I know and the ones I don't know so I can be on the way to getting a record deal. If I have to go on tour for 3 months to play my songs for people until the right person hears it I will but I have such a kickstart backdoor into the music business and believe me I am going to use my knowledge knowhow and connections. I have people waiting to hear my music and there people out there that are trying find me but they can't because I can't get this shit together properly because nobody I know believes in playing music seriously that would play with me. Having to form a band is worse than trying to even date a girl. It shouldn't be this hard... people have heard some of my music solo they know I have the best gear money can buy (thankfully) they know I have 3 albums or more worth of material to work with they know I have a van and they sure as hell know I have the dedication to see it through to the end and that I will stop for nothing. So why doesn't it just start fucking happening?
Here I have been sacrificing my mental capacity by not having a job by working for myself so I have all day everyday to play. So I can sit around and play guitar and get better REALLY fast because I have so much time to work on my songcraft so much time to practice. But now I have hit the wall and I have to get a job because life doesn't care that I am going to be a musician in a rock band kicking ass all over the world someday it laughs at your attempts to be anything but a normal human being like everyone else so content with living just the way society fucking tells you to.
I have to leave for my interview...
So I pretty much got the job. Working like 2-3 days a week it's cool for now whatever. I just feel really bad about failing at everything... It's a serious blow to my pride, my ego. Yeah I'll be making like $100 a week or whatever. i used to make $200 a day working 3 hours in my bedroom, and your talking to a guy who once made $5,000 in one holiday weekend. My brain hurts this is a lot to handle.
And I've never really felt so hopeless or helpless in my life than now because of what a certain girl kept reminding me of time and time again. I'm 31 and I livw with my mom and I don't have a job. Nothing I did for myself was ever good enough for you you never understood it. I really don't care because I know that my dreams even so unreachable as they seem will happen in time with endless amounts of stuggle and sacrifice. They have to... they just have to... I can't stop believing but I can't stop crying because of it all either.... i need some help dealing with life or too many more disapoints and denials or i am going to fucking snap. I will not live a life of has beens, and could of beens and I don't want to be that person 15 years from now alone or with someone I'm not happy with regretting what I could of been or my wasted talents sitting around playing songs.
I'm gonna get this job save up money for studio time pay whatever bills I can and get my fucking band together go record some demos and put a pro package together and send it to all reps and and record label people I know and the ones I don't know so I can be on the way to getting a record deal. If I have to go on tour for 3 months to play my songs for people until the right person hears it I will but I have such a kickstart backdoor into the music business and believe me I am going to use my knowledge knowhow and connections. I have people waiting to hear my music and there people out there that are trying find me but they can't because I can't get this shit together properly because nobody I know believes in playing music seriously that would play with me. Having to form a band is worse than trying to even date a girl. It shouldn't be this hard... people have heard some of my music solo they know I have the best gear money can buy (thankfully) they know I have 3 albums or more worth of material to work with they know I have a van and they sure as hell know I have the dedication to see it through to the end and that I will stop for nothing. So why doesn't it just start fucking happening?
Here I have been sacrificing my mental capacity by not having a job by working for myself so I have all day everyday to play. So I can sit around and play guitar and get better REALLY fast because I have so much time to work on my songcraft so much time to practice. But now I have hit the wall and I have to get a job because life doesn't care that I am going to be a musician in a rock band kicking ass all over the world someday it laughs at your attempts to be anything but a normal human being like everyone else so content with living just the way society fucking tells you to.
I have to leave for my interview...
So I pretty much got the job. Working like 2-3 days a week it's cool for now whatever. I just feel really bad about failing at everything... It's a serious blow to my pride, my ego. Yeah I'll be making like $100 a week or whatever. i used to make $200 a day working 3 hours in my bedroom, and your talking to a guy who once made $5,000 in one holiday weekend. My brain hurts this is a lot to handle.