Just a quick digression before we get into the review. I was reading a rumor on the internet that they might be making HD DVDs of Star Trek at some point. Or Blu Ray. One of those ones where they can put like a million times more information on the disc than a regular DVD.
Now, my beef with this whole next-gen DVD stuff is that no one's interested in using the extra space-per-disc to put more episodes of a TV show on one disc. The Star Trek box sets as they are now are like seven discs a season, so you'd think that you could fit, say, the entire run of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" on one or two BluRay discs. Instead, the attitude seems to be that we should "remaster" every movie and TV show ever put on DVD, and make the picture quality a million times better instead of putting a million times more content on the disc.
But, as the rumor pointed out, the special effects for the newer shows were done on video, instead of film, so apparently that means it can't be remastered. So the idea then would be to take the original film of the actors on the sets, remaster that, and then put in NEW special effects from the ground up. This seems like a lot of trouble to go to, considering that the whole beauty of the DVD business is that you just burn a bunch of already-made TV shows onto a new format.
It seems to me that this is what's wrong with the entertainment industry. They've been focused on visual quality for so long that they don't know how to improve anything else. For example, "Superman Returns" cost like some ungodly amount of money to make, to the point where even though the movie did very well at the box office, it still wasn't enough to break even. The worldwide gross might help that out, I don't know. The irony of this situation is twofold.
First, as a Superman fan, I'm perfectly happy watching substandard special effects. The 1950's TV show was in black and white half the time, and you could practically see the table George Reeves was lying on when he did the flying sequences. When he flew in the opposite direction, his "S" emblem would be reversed. "Superman IV" frequently recycled action shots of Superman from the previous films, and it didn't even try to hide all the New York imagery in what was supposed to be the fictional city of Metropolis. It doesn't matter, because Superman's in it and he's kicking ass and saving the day. So I find it a little disappointing that Warner Bros. spent all that money to pump up the special effects on a movie that I probably would have enjoyed just fine otherwise. Not that I care if Time-Warner takes a loss, but a more profitable Superman film means it'll be a lot quicker getting the sequel made. I'd hate for some paper-pusher to decide that the vast appeal of Superman is insufficient to offset the cost of realizing him in film.
Second, the situation reminded me a lot of the same problem facing "Serenity", where the producers worked with a very conservative budget in the hopes of keeping the movie profitable. Of course, it didn't work, and Serenity barely managed to break even after two months (the usual suspects will try to tell me that "Serenity" wasn't a flop, because DVD sales will put it back in the black. But that's just the excuses people make when their pet franchise can't get the job done. No one makes feature films so they can recoup the loss on DVD.). I say this was because of the mind-numbingly depressing plot of the movie, and honestly, I congratulate the filmmakers for keeping the special effects to a minimum. It wasn't like we needed a lot of bullet time effects, holography, and CGI environments to make the insane cannibal rapists convincing. Better to save your money, just in case opening night doesn't go as well as you thought.
The point I'm making here is that as a filmgoer, I would have liked a "Superman Returns" that cost thirty million to make, and I would have hated "Serenity" even if they had increased the budget by an order of magnitude. Yet this rumor would suggest that whoever owns Star Trek now might go back and redo the whole show just to accomodate a new recording medium. And for what? The first season of TNG is gonna suck whether Data's caked-on makeup are in hi-def or not. You can make the warp nacelles look more realistic, but Counselor Troi is still gonna look really weird in her Season One hairdo. I'm not saying this wouldn't be interesting to see, but I can't imagine paying an exorbitant amount of money for this, especially when the regular DVD box sets are still rather pricey as it is. I'd prefer they invest the money into making a brand new series, and maybe hiring some writers to make sure it doesn't suck.
Of course, StarTrek.com says they don't know anything about this, so it's probably just an idle fancy by some Star Trek/DVD enthusaist, but still, the idea sounds like something someone would try. If not Star Trek, then maybe somewhere else.
Anyway, no one wants to hear me talk about Superman and Star Trek. Onward, to stuff that sucks!
Chapter 9: Grim Defeat
(Original Japanese Title:"The Dog in the Clouds! Everyone Turns to Page 394.")
Picking up where we left off before, Sirius Black's managed to penetrate Hogwarts' overrated defenses, but he's given away his presence by destroying the magic painting that leads into Harry's dorm. This in itself gives away some of the ending, since it doesn't make a lot of sense that Black, who was cunning and resourceful enough to make it this far, should throw away the element of surprise so recklessly. He's after Potter, supposedly, so the only move he should make once he's in the school should be against Potter, not a painting that 25% of the student body sees twice a day.
Responding quickly to the danger, Dumbledore orders the students from all four houses to spend the night in the Great Hall (read: cafeteria), while he and the faculty search the rest of the castle. The prefects are placed at each door to stand guard, and the Head Boy and Girl are in charge for the night. D-Dore magically produces hundreds of sleeping bags for the kids, and calls it good.
Two questions. First, did anyone search the Great Hall before sending all the students there? I realize they had just been using the Hall prior to discovering Black's presence, and it stands to reason that Black would have had to pass all the Gryffindors on his way back to their tower if he wished to sneak into the Hall. Still, the fact that Black entered the school in the first place would indicate that he's far to clever to make that kind of assumption, so you'd think someone would have raised that point.
But let's say for the moment that they did search the Hall, or at least that Dumbledore was reasonably confident that Black's not in there. That leads to my second question: What's to stop Black if he decided to enter the Great Hall? Think about it. The adults are searching the rest of the building, so logically, the safest place for him to go is the one place they aren't, which is the Great Hall. From a tactical standpoint, it's an ideal position anyway. Even if the kids could mount a defense against him, they'll all be asleep or rattled from the disruption to their routine. And really, what's Percy supposed to do if Black shows up anyway? Dumbledore told him to send one of the ghosts as a messenger if he needs help, but Black was convicted of killing multiple people with a single attack. I'm betting he could get a lot done by the time the ghost managed to return with help. By then, Black's either killed Harry already, or he's got several hundred hostages to protect himself.
On the other hand, in such a scenario, Dumbledore could always just let the dementors into the school, since they'd almost certainly target Black and ignore the children for the most part. Still, given Big Al's reluctrance to let the dementors into the building, I'm thinking that option would be little more than a bluff. Besides, Black was surrounded by plenty of dementors in prison, and they couldn't stop him then.
In any event, the nWo grabs their sleeping bags and start assessing the situation. Hermione and Ron seem to think it's fortunate that Black picked the one night when everyone would be together in the Hall for their big Halloween dinner, but that assumes that Black entered the school shortly before the painting was attacked. For all anyone knows, he's been hiding inside Hogwarts for weeks.
The rest of the students offer theories on how Black got in to begin with. Someone suggests he learned to Apparate (read: teleport). This seems strange to me, as Book Six seemed to indicate that just about everyone over the age of sixteen knows how to Apparate. I think the deal was that you needed a licesnse or something to certify that you could do it right, but Black's an escaped con, so that hardly means anything. I guess what I'm getting at is that it's weird that this unnamed Ravenclaw would speak of Apparition like it's a rare super power that makes Black more dangerous than he already is, while three years later Snape is citing Apparition as evidence that Ron Weasly is an incompetent who can't even manage the most basic techniques. So which is it?
Hermi1 shoots down all these theories, however, citing the various magical defenses that make Hogwarts so impenetrable. According to her, you can't sneak in or teleport in, and Filch knows all the secret passages (so they're not really secret now, are they?). Besides, the dementors standing guard would have seen anyone trying to fly in, and they're not fooled by disguises. So in conclusion, there's absolutely no way anyone could break into Hogwarts. Yessir.
I'm starting to wonder if every book revolves around this idiot premise. Because this was the same logic used to question how Draco could sneak a weapon into the school without being caught, and yet he did it anyway, rather easily at that. Not that I mind this, necessarily, as Rowling would have to rely on misdirection to convince her audience that something is impossible to build the wonder of someone doing it anyway. What irks me is that never once in HBP did anyone point out that if Sirius Black could smuggle himself into Hogwarts, then it shouldn't be that big a leap to assume that a traitor could sneak contraband and enemy troops in through some other hole in the security net that someone overlooked. Again, Rowling kind of has to do this, since the good guys would try to prepare the best defense they can, and the bad guys need to be able to breach it for the story to move forward, but to have the good guys rely on the same conceit twice starts to stretch credibility. But no one ever seems to learn from their mistakes in these books, so what could I expect?
During the night, D-Dore returns to check up on things, and Harry overhears him talking to Percy. Snape enters, reporting that they've completed their search and turned up nothing. Snape reminds Dumbledore of a conversation they'd had earlier, voicing suspicions about Black having had inside help to get into the school, but Dumbledore refuses to accept that there's a traitor in their midst, and leaves. Did I pick up the wrong book by mistake? No, I guess not. Anyway, I assume from the wording that Snape believes Remus Lupin may be less than trustworthy in this matter, and that he might have aided Black in some way.
Replacing the Fat Lady on the painting to G-Tower is that Sir Cadogan guy from Chapter 6. Dammit, I knew he'd be back. The narrator states that no one was very happy about this. You got that right, pal. On the bright side, at least I finally came up with a good name for "Gryffindor Tower". G-Tower sounds a lot cooler, like some subsection of an outer space battle fortress used in a 1980's anime. I was about to say "Battle of the Planets" except that "Battle of the Planets" sucks. Alex Ross can bite me.
For the next few days, all eyes are on Harry, since he's the guy Black supposedly wants to kill. Professor McGonagall finally takes him aside to inform him of Black's grudge, so Harry has to explain to her that everyone else already knows about it a hundred pages ago. Mrs. McG tries to convince Harry to quit Quidditch practice for security reasons, but Harry appeals to her team spirit and she agrees to let him practice so long as there's an adult keeping watch. The irony of Harry being safe on the Quidditch field will be made clear a little later.
As it turns out, while the G-Tower team thought they were going to be playing Slytherin in their first match of the season, Team Captain Oliver Wood (played by Dick Biggerstaff), informs the team that Slytherin's backed out on account of their Seeker's busted arm (Draco being the Seeker, and he's been faking a lingering injury since Chapter 7). Captain Johnson Hardy theorizes that Slytherin's only trying to weasel out of the match because of the inclement weather, which he thinks they think will hurt their chances of winning.
This is typical Gryffindor-think right here. Weather is a neutral element in sports and warfare. This is because it affects both sides equally. The only way weather becomes a factor is if one side is less prepared for the weather than the other. For example, when Nazi Germany began its invasion of the Soviet Union during World War II, Hitler's strategy mostly depended upon a quick, decisive triumph over the U.S.S.R. However, the Germans had underestimated the strength of the Red Army, to the point where the invasion had dragged out well into the fall and winter, beyond the five week time frame the German military had prepared for. Consequently, the Soviets were able to turn the tide against the Germans, as they were far more prepared for the Russian winter than the German soldiers, still fighting in their summer uniforms and too deep into enemy territory for their supply lines to keep up. The weather itself wasn't what spelled defeat for the Germans; it was their faulty logistical planning that delayed their invasion timetable, thus subjecting them to the peril of the weather. In this case we're dealing with a contest between two teams based out of the same location, playing each other on the same field they've used for decades (if not centuries), subject to the same conditions. Maybe Slytherin's team really does fear that the weather will hurt their chances, but the truth is that it won't, because their opponents would be subject to the same difficulty. For Gryffindor to make this sort of assumption just betrays them as being delusional. Although, in their defense, I find it strange that Slytherin can just be permitted to sit out a scheduled match and let another team play in their place. Every other sport, you either get an alternate or forfeit. Unless Vince McMahon's booking this stuff, and I wouldn't put it past him.
Anyway, I'm more inclined to believe that Draco offered his teammates fifty bucks to stick with his story so he can keep up his "get Hagrid fired" campaign. You have to keep up appearances for this sort of thing. The point is, Slytherin ain't playing, which apparently sucks for G-Tower since they've been practicing for Slytherin, and now they gotta play Hufflepuff instead. Well whose fault is that? Seriously, shouldn't they have been practicing for every team since they plan on playing them all eventually anyway? And if it's legal for a team to bow out of a match on account of an injury, then shouldn't Team Captain C.R. Peters have anticipated this from the beginning? For that matter, they could just excuse themselves from the game as well, claiming that Harry's not feeling well from the dementor attack two months ago. Yeah, Draco would make fun of him, but he's gonna do that anyway, and at least Harry's story is credible.
But that's not for a few more days, so let's go back to the humdrum of Harry attending classes. No shortage of that. This time he's late for Defense Against the Dark Arts, only to find that Snape's teaching the class. According to Snape, Lupin's not feeling very well, so naturally Harry suspects this has something to do with all that Gay Fuel Snape made for him the other day. That really makes no sense at all. For one thing, Lupin asked Snape to make the potion for him, and according to him, Snape's the only person in the vicinity qualified to make it. So if Snape did poison it for some self-serving purpose, it'd be a pretty dumb idea, since he'd be the prime suspect if anything happened to Lupin. Of course, Harry suspects Snape now, but that's my point. If Harry's smart enough to figure it out that quickly, then Snape would surely think better of the plan, because it's so transparent.
Long story short, Snape's a dick to the kids, and the kids seem especially resistant to his dicky teaching style, probably because they're so fond of Lupin or something. As long as Snape doesn't feed them all Gay Fuel, I won't complain. No, instead he has them all turn to the last chapter in the book, because he feels Lupin's been pampering them, and they need to cover more advanced subjects. Like werewolves. Yeah, I'm confident that won't mean anything later.
I should point out Hermione's especially annoying here, because I guess Snape's teaching the book out of order throws off the delicate gyroscopes in her nerd brain. She's all like, buh-buh-but we're supposed to hinkypunks weh! And he's all "STFU!" Seriously why does it matter what order they do these things in? It's not like you need to understand hinkypunks to listen to Snape talk about werewolves for an hour. Hell, I don't even know why he's teaching this. There's a half dozen movies that cover this subject alone.
Some worse than
others.
So he demands that everyone turn to page 394. Hey, wait a minute...
I thought that line sounded familiar. He also adds "All of you! Now!" the way a bank robber might order his hostages. No, please, Snape, don't make us turn to page 394! It's too horrible! Not even Cobra Commander would stoop to such depths!
But they have no choice, so they do it anyway. Snape starts off asking the class how you can tell the difference between a werewolf and a regular wolf. Wait, THIS is the super-advanced lesson at the end of the book? Maybe Lupin really was being too easy on these twerps. And yet none of them seem to know, except for Hermione, whom Snape refuses to call on because she's a colossal pain in the ass. Couple of helpful hints, kids...
1) READ THE DAMN BOOK. I have video footage that cleary shows he told you what page to turn to. Why not skim that page and see if it doesn't provide an answer to that question? It beats sitting there watching Hermione "ooh-ooh" all day and putting up with the sub insulting your intelligence.
2) A werewolf STANDS UPRIGHT. At least, I assume we're going with the cool version where you're dealing with a humanoid creature with wolfish characteristics. I've seen movies where people just morph into regular wolves before, but that's usually because the budget was so low they couldn't afford the special effects to modify a human actor. In any case, you only need to know the difference 1/30th of the time anyway, which I would imagine would be a halfway satisfactory answer.
Finally Snape says he'll have to tell Dumbledore how far behind the class is. Yeah, like Dumbledore gives a crap what anyone says.
SNAPE: Hey, maybe we shouldn't hire this new guy. He might be trouble.
DUMBLEDORE: I'm perfectly sure there's nothing to worry about.
DEMENTORS: Hey, can we search your school? There's probably an escaped killer hiding out there.
DUMBLEDORE: No, I refuse to allow you dementors access to my school. Delightfully sorry.
HARRY: Hey, I think Draco Malfoy and Snape might be up to something. They may even want to kill you!
DUMBLEDORE: Now, now, I refuse to discuss the matter any further.
But Hermione probably thinks Dumbledore is singly focused on putting negative feedback in her permanent record, so she starts blurting out stuff about werewolves until Snape cuts her off for talking without being called on. Then Ron gets fed up and yells at him in Hermione's defense. Yeah, anvil-sized hint there, I guess. Snape gives him detention, cleaning bedpans in the hospital wing. Then they spend the rest of the class taking notes from the book while he critiques their previous work. You know, this chapter sucks, and Greasy Kid Stuff here ain't helping move things along. I didn't want it to come to this, but I'll say it anyway. "HEY, KOOL-AID!"
Yeah, that helps. Kool-Aid Man bashes through the wall from out of nowhere, shouting "Oh YEAAAAHHH!" and sloshing Kool-Aid everywhere for the kids to drink. Everyone jumps around all excited and stuff, and Snape's got this goofy look on his face like any adult in a commercial for children's food. Then the Thirsties show up to screw up everyone's awesome Kool-Aid Fun Party but Kool-Aid Man kicks their asses and decides to invent a brand new flavor of Kool-Aid that tastes like raspberry and turns invisible and sparkly in water. Then Kool-Aid Man goes back in time and wrestles a dinosaur, because he can. Oh YEAAAAAHHH!
For some reason Peeves decides to wake Harry up at 4:30 a.m. the next morning. I firmly believe Peeves hates me and wishes to prolong the book. Harry catches Crookshanks making another pass at Scabbers, and boy I'm so glad he was awake to witness that excitement.
Anyway, today is the day of the Qudditch match with Hufflepuff. Harry's team loses. This is mainy due to Harry being distracted by the image of a dog appearing in the stormclouds overhead, immediately followed by the dementors rushing onto the field of play, which causes Harry to pass out again, allowing Hufflepuff's seeker to claim victory. Having fallen fifty feet after losing consciousness, Harry awakens in the hospital, greeted by the rest of the team, who break the news to him.
So, let me understand this. If Slytherin's down a man, they can withdraw from the game and let someone else play in their stead. Fine. Yet in the middle of a thunderstorm, the game isn't called off, the players have to play with zero visibility, and if a hundred soul-eating monsters rush the field, no one calls for a do-over? I mean, which is it? Because if the idea here is to keep Harry safe, they're doing a piss poor job of it. Black could just sit at home reading the paper and wait for Harry to get struck by lightning. According to Hermione, it was Dumbledore who broke Harry's fall, repelled the dementors, and saw Harry safely to the hospital, but you'd think he would have been more on top of this before it happened instead of during. Harry asks about his broomstick, only to learn that it flew out of control when he fell and crashed into that monster tree that lives not far from the Quidditch field, so it's nothing but kindling now. Well, it was a loaner anyway, right? At least Ron can keep Harry company, cleaning his bedpans and all.
Anyway, Kool-Aid man barges in again to give out free Kool-Aid, so it's all good. Oh, YEAAAAHHHH!
This chapter sucks. Unexplained security breach, Snape doing his bad cop routine, Harry falls off his broomstick and nearly breaks his neck. Yeah, Book III is SO much better than Book VI. I epsecially like the part where the EXACT SAME STUFF HAPPENS.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: The Big (Slow) Reveal.