SUBJECT: "Jim Smith , y0uR @SS K I C K I N G is R3ADY!"
NOTE: Because there were like 85 different guys hosting special interview segments the last time I watched wrestling, the Buttdawg's scheduled interview was mistakenly arranged with three different hosts. Prior to his appearance, they argue in the ring over whose segment this is.
CHRIS JERICHO: Durr, well, it's my show because the carpet is lavendar. I call it the "Highlight Reel" because I'm the Human Highlight Reel.
RODDY PIPER: Whoa, I'm the Hot Rod, donchaknow. I think I was controversial back in 1985, so I'm gonna talk about how everything's so scary interesting now that I've come out of retirement for the sixtieth time.
CARLITO CARIBBEAN COOL: 'Ey, meng, I call my show the "Cabana", because eet starts with a "C", and that's the only letter I know. Because illiteracy...? Das cool.
[The "Theme From d-Generation X" plays to herald the arrival of the BUTTDAWG, the mightiest force in all professional wrestling. Failing to grasp the danger they're in, the Buttdawg chases all three lame "talk show segment" guys out of the ring, although he stops to apply the STF to Roddy Piper, because he's old and slow. His workplace clear, the One True Dawg of the Butt takes the mic.]
Jimmy Dean, if the Buttdawg had only known you wanted to die so badly, the Buttdawg would have granted your little ol' wish years ago! A Last Man Standing Match? Well since you dance around and act like an itty bitty baby girl all the time, I guess the Buttdawg won't have too much of a problem winnin' that one, now will he?
But on to other matters! You see, the challenge you so foolishly laid before the Shogun of Wrestling was a best of seven series, based on the seven deadly sins. And while the matches you and I have decides are certainly deadly, and they comprise what mathemeticians would describe as a series... By the count of the Buttdawg, Jimmy Dean, we're only up to three.
Well, that'd be a pretty little pity, if it weren't for the Buttdawg, Jimmy Dean. You see, the Buttdawg isn't merely the most gifted professional wrestler in the entire universe! The Buttdawg isn't just the handsomest celebrity, as voted by People Magazine. Oh no. And while the Buttdawg certainly likes to brag about it, the Buttdawg is MORE than just the awesome beauty and rugged physique of his dynamic butt. You see, the Buttdawg also happens to be... a financial genius.
You know, Jimmy Dean, the Buttdawg's made a lot of money kickin' your ass. Yes, I've been beatin' you from pillar to post! From coast to coast! From red state to blue! And in Canada, too! And it's made the Buttdawg... a lotta money. And when the Buttdawg isn't spending that cold hard cash on the necessities of life--drinks for all my fine foxy ladies, tanning lotion for my beautiful butt, jet plane fuel for when I ride my Buttplane all around this wicked ol' world--I invest it carefully, into a diversified portfolio. Mostly technologies, food, and defense contractors. Submission Masta!
And being the man that I am, Mack Daddy, the man you WISH YOU WERE... the man you CAN NEVER BE! Being that man, being MORE than man, the Buttdawg just happened to have a million dollars burning a hole in his pocket. Normally, I'd use this money to feed starving orphans in Asia, but when I rode my Buttplane on over there, as soon as I disembarked, those orphans said to me, Jimmy Dean, they said: "No, Buttdawg! How can you THINK of us when you still have to come up with another match for the Best of Seven Series this Thanksgiving?" That's right, Jimmy Dean, even in the Mysterious Orient, the starving children DEMAND that the Buttdawg not only kick yo' ass, but that he do it in STYLE. And so the Buttdawg wondered long and hard about what to do, unable to take his mind off his money, and his money off his mind. If ONLY, the Buttdawg said, if ONLY a million dollars could be used to make a dynamite match.
Holds up golden belt, with diamond encrusted faceplates shaped like dollar signs.
And then... I remembered THIS.
You recognize it, doncha, Jimmy Dean? It's the MILLION DOLLAR BELT. There's only two ways a wrestler can lay claim to this prestigious title among titles. ONE! The wrestler must defeat the reigning Million Dollar Champion by submission or pinfall. TWO! The wrestler must BUY it, for the price, of $1,000,000 cash money!
But naturally, Jimmy Dean, this is impossible for you. Oyez, the Buttdawg knows, as you do, that the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase, retired thousands of years ago, and his title has been vacant ever since. And even if you HAD a million dollars that you hadn't already spent on hair care products and KY Jelly, you could never BUY this title from me. Oh no, Jimmy Dean. This title ain't up for SALE. It's up... IN THE AIR!
That's right, Jimmy Dean! You want this Million Billion Trillion Quadrillion Dollar Belt? You want a match for Avarice? Then you march your leopard-skin upholstered ass on down to the ring, because we're gonna decide the true Million Dollar Champion in a good ol' fashioned LADDER MATCH.
Get that ladder, Jimmy Dean. Set it up in the ring, Jimmy Dean. Climb on up, Jimmy Dean. Five, six, seven, eight feet up in the air! REACH for this belt, suspended high above the ring on a hook from HEAVEN ITSELF, Jimmy Dean! Grab hold with BOTH HANDS, Jimmy Dean! And then just when you think you've secured the prize... you can WAKE UP, Jimmy Dean. You can wake up, realize you've been lying beaten and unconscious in the ring for hours, and while you've been dreamin' a little scheme, the Buttdawg's been livin' your fantasy, Jimmy Dean! Now somebody in the back, play the FUTURE Million Dollar Champion's... music!