Twenty-Nine Palms, California.
I didn't think I'd still be doing these this late into the year, but since the movie's out this weekend and I'm on the subject anyway, I want someone to explain this to me.
Now, to be fair, Movie IV hasn't irritated me the way it's predecessors have. That first Harry Potter trailer STILL infuriates me from how smarmy and overplayed it was on TV, and that was like five years ago. The second movie drove me nuts because that was the year I went to Wizard World and saw some movie poster with Dobby on it for sale at one of the booths. All I know is that I don't go to Harry Potter conventions and buy Superman comics, so I don't see why Harry Potter crap is being sold at my comic book convention. It's just wrong. After the movie came and went, of course, then you had the lady on the inDemand PPV preview channel hawking it all the time, with that condescending voice people on TV always used to use when discussing Harry Potter. Everytime I hear how much darker HP has gotten from those early installments, I think it's bull, but I've got to admit, ever since 2003 or so, people have finally stopped talking about Harry Potter like everyone in America is eight years old. Finally, the third movie mostly annoyed me because of the computer game adaptation. The ads for it always started out like it was a fairly interesting game. Scary music, black spectres flying around a snowy forest, everything's OK so far... until you see that they're chasing three thirteen-year-olds. It's supposed to make you mark out because you realize it's a game about your favorite characters, but I always sighed with annoyance because I was expecting someone taller. Or Spongebob. He'd be good. On the plus side, I was always amused with how the Prisoner of Azkaban's action figure looks just like Jesus Christ in a chain gang.
Anyway, with this new movie, I just don't watch as much TV as I used to, so the media blitz hasn't gotten to me. Also, I'm reviewing this frickin-frackin' book, so my hateful energies have been directed elsewhere. Nevertheless, I find reviews of GoF, like the one by CNN's Paul Clinton above, very familiar. Like all the movies before it, there seems to be a certain style to reviewing Harry Potter movies. You start out by talking about how much you love Harry Potter, how you read all the books and watched all the previous movies, and whenever you have any problems with the new film, you have to express that negativity as penitently as possible. Ask yourself, would any other movie review include a sentence like this one?
"I'm not saying the magic is gone, but I've lost that loving feeling."
I'm not saying Paul Clinton has to hate the movie, but it's almost like he's trying to apologize for not liking it as much as he could have, like he thinks J.K. Rowling will cry all night into her pillow if he gives it anything less than a perfect score. Or what about this gem:
So I'm less than thrilled. No matter. Seeing a "Potter" film is generally worth it. There's much to appreciate here, and there will be many people to appreciate it.
So he didn't totally love what he saw, but that's OK, because the mere act of seeing the movie was worth the experience. Also, this is a good movie because lots of people will enjoy it. Hey, heroin is popular too, that doesn't make up for its shortcomings. Again, if Paul Clinton likes the movie, fine. What I don't care for is that he seems to hint at some sort of problem he had with it, and yet he refuses to stop kissing Rowling's ass long enough to say just what that problem is. Maybe he's afraid of hate mail or something. Hey, I've been busting Potter's balls for four months now, and everyone seems pretty cool about it, so I don't know why he'd be concerned. I sense great fear in you, Paul Clinton. You have hate. You have anger. But you don't use them.
So my challenge this time around is for anyone who's seen "Goblet" to post a comment here and bash it. I'm not saying you had to hate it or anything, but as I learned in my college creative writing course, effective critique means you have to find at least one good thing and one bad thing about the material, otherwise the person who created the work wouldn't be able to figure out what strengths to play up and what weaknesses to overcome. Not that Warner Bros. is ever gonna go broke making these movies, but just the same, in that spirit of honest critique, let's whip out our red pens and make with the negativity, just this once.
Of course, I could just read my friends list, as they all get back from seeing this thing, but that's too much work. I like my idea better.
Last time, on Star Trek: The Next Generation Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...
Chapters 1-26: Harry spends the whole year slowly learning from Dumbledore about Voldemort's origins and how they relate to his quest for immortality. To that end, the pair travel to a remote cave Somewhere the F*** in England, in order to locate and destroy one of Voldemort's "Horcruxes", magical items used to store fragments of the soul and thus guard oneself from natural death.
Chapter 27: Snape kills Dumbledore.
Chapter 28: Shortly after failing miserably to cut off Snape's getaway, Harry notices the Horcrux lying next to Dumbledore's dead body is in fact a fake. Upon further inspection, he discovers a note inside, in which the signee informs Voldemort that he has already stolen and plans to destroy the real Horcrux from the cave, and left the fake behind to help cover his tracks.
You know, that really shouldn't have been spread out over the course of 600+ pages. What boggles my mind is that from what I hear about this new movie that's come out, Goblet of Fire is over 700 pages, and despite all the stuff they cut out of the story to fit the film, it still drags on in places. Correct me if I've misunderstood, since I haven't seen the movie or read the book it was based on, so I'd have no idea.
But enough about Harry Potter: Citizens on Patrol. Slide, slide, that's the past. This is City Under Siege.
Chapter 29: The Phoenix Lament
(Original Japanese title: "'Who's a Good Boy?' Fleur's Mighty Declaration of Love!!")
Right, so Dumbledore's still dead. I think what bothers me the most about this new development is that the book was already moving pretty slowly as it was. I knew the guy was gonna die going in, and to some extent I was actually looking forward to it, but now I realize that this will just divert the characters even further from the plotlines. There's no new developments to be had from Dumbledore, I mean. He died two chapters ago, and he's still dead now, and we're still focused on how the characters are just now absorbing the shock of it all. Me, I've long since moved on to wanting to know who the hell "R.A.B." is who slipped Voldemort the fake Horcrux, but anyone in the book who might shed some light on that mystery is too busy recovering from the Death Eater incursion to deal with it. This is what pisses me off so much about R.A.B. I could live with knowing his involvement won't be fully explained until the next book, but this revelation takes place so close to the end, when so much other stuff is going on, that it's mostly being ignored. Seriously, why have Dumbledore die, the Half-Blood Prince identify himself, and the Horcrux turn out to be fake, all in the span of seventeen pages near the end of the book, where there's no time for anyone to react? It's not like Rowling can claim she ran out of room. But I'm ranting about what's gone before. Let's move on.
Initially, Harry refuses to leave the scene of the crime, but Ginny manages to lead him away to the hospital wing, where it turns out the only fatality besides Dumbledore was one of the Death Eaters, so really they got off light, all things considered. There were some injuries, but the main focus of this chapter is Ginny's brother Bill, who got attacked by Fenrir Greyback. "he won't look the same anymore" is how Ginny describes his condition. Sometimes that's the best way to convey something grotesque. I wish more writers would leave things like that to the reader's imaginations.
The complication with Bill is that he was mauled by a werewolf, but it was while he was in human form. And since Greyback's really the only werewolf around who bites people as a human, no one's really sure what effect that'll have on Bill. What's for certain is that Bill's injuries can't be easily mended, since there's no magical treatment that works on werewolf bites. Now see, right there I would assume that means the same rules apply. If Greyback's human bites are just as immune to magic as when he's a werewolf, then that should mean it'd be no different than if he'd bitten Bill in wolf mode. Ergo, Bill would find himself in Werewolf City, and he's the mayor.
Of course, Remus Lupin has to crap all over my theory like he's some big expert, just because he's an actual werewolf. In his opinion, it's unlikely that Bill will become a full-blown werewolf from this experience, although his wounds are most certainly cursed, meaning that he may manifest certain wolfish characteristics, and the injuries may not heal fully. OK, I understand that they can't pluck their magic twangers and heal him good as new, but doesn't anyone here know what stitches are? Yes, there'd be scarring, but that still counts as "fully healed" in my book. Also, I know Lupin's trying to deliver bad news to Bill's friends and family when he say this, but my reaction to "might have some wolfish characteristics from now on" is "Cooooool!" Seriously, who wouldn't go for this? As long as I'm not being hunted by angry villagers, eating people, or sniffing dogs' butts, what's the downside to "wolfish characteristics"? Unless Lupin means Bill will turn into a furry from all of this. In that case they might as well shoot him now and spare him the shame.
At this news, Ron suggests that maybe Dumbledore can fix Bill up, and Ginny and Harry have to explain that he's too busy being dead at the moment. On the one hand, I think most of the characters in these books tended to overestimate D-Dore. Still, this sort of thing reminds me of every time the crew of the Enterprise did anything without Data around, and you realized how conspicuous he was by his absence. I bet he could heal Bill's face, just like that time he lost his memory on a RenFaire planet, but he still managed to invent the microscope and cure a whole town of radiation sickness by dumping a bucket of pee into their well. And they promoted Counselor Troi ahead of him, anyway. Starfleet's a bunch of racists.
Tonks asks how Dumbledore died, because she hasn't been on the internet at all in 2005. You know, maybe if she did more than just wander in and out of the story every five chapters or so, she wouldn't have to ask what's going on when something important happens. Harry briefly recaps Chapter 27 for everyone who wasn't there when it happened, including his speculation that Dumbledore must have realized at the last second that they had walked into a trap, which would explain why he immobilized Harry right before the Death Eaters found them.
Everyone pauses briefly when they hear some phoenix outside, singing a sad, sad song. Whatever.
Now Professor McGonagall shows up, and SHE wants to know what happened to Dumbledore. Geez, buy a newspaper or something. She takes the news hard, expressing disbelief, not so much over Snape's treachery, but the idea that Dumbledore's ironclad trust in him turned out to be misplaced. Lupin and Tonks agree, mentioning how no one really knew what Snape was thinking, but everyone just assumed that D-Dore had some secret reason for trusting him that no one else knew. Harry suggests that the reason might have been Snape's sorrow over his unknowing involvement in the Potters' murder. I seriously doubt that, and Lupin finds that hard to swallow as well, since Snape hated James Potter so much back in the day.
This all leads to a discussion of just what Snape was doing during the attack tonight, since the staff wants to figure out what went wrong, and Harry just wants more and more reasons to hate Snape. Yeah, you hate Snape, we got it. This is why I found Harry's hatred of Snape back in Chapter 8 so ridiculous. Harry hated Snape with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, and that was just because Snape gave him demerits for being late for dinner. Since then, Harry's learned of Snape's role in his parents' death, and he's witnessed Snape killing his mentor, AND Snape pretty much humiliated him on the battlefield afterward, and we're supposed to be SOOOO impressed with how much Harry hates him NOW. The dumbest part of all this is how Harry is "swearing vengeance" as they talk, like he somehow forgot the part where he already whizzed it against Snape a few minutes ago. Maybe if this kid focused on collecting ways to beat Snape in a fight instead of reasons to hate his guts, he'd do better.
Anyway, what follows is an explanation of what the other characters were doing during Chapter 27, which was mostly dominated by Dumbledore's confrontation with Señor Draco and his subsequent murder. As explained earlier on, the Death Eaters bypassed the school's defenses by entering through the Room of Requirement, courtesy of Señor Draco. Dumbledore had expected the attack, but not the means of entry, so before he left, he told everyone to keep an eye out. Harry's friends, meanwhile, were keeping watch on the RoR for him, because unlike Dumbledore Harry knew the Room was important but didn't know when or how it would be used. At H-Hour, Señor Draco emerged from the Room, but he used "Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder" to darken the hallway, and his "Hand of Glory", to allow only himself to see. Yeah, just when you think it can't get any goofier. It should be noted that said Darkness Powder was purchased from Fred and George's joke shop. I would make a joke about how dangerously stupid F&G are, but since they seem to be using a JOKE SHOP to outfit and equip both sides of a war, I'm wondering if "amorally opportunistic" wouldn't be more accurate a description. Just replace "Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder" with "battle droids" and "Shield Hats" with "army of Boba Fetts" and you've got the plot to "Attack of the Clones". Only Fred and George would have to stand on a chair to kiss Christopher Lee's butt, but hey.
Anywho, since the darkness was impervious to their magic, the kids couldn't stop the Death Eaters for fear of hitting one another in the process, so they simply found the adults patrolling the school and told them. With their supply of powder exhausted, it didn't take them long to find the Death Eaters, and then a fight broke out, involving, among other things, the Undertaker punching a shark.
While Ron and Neville were watching the Room of Requirement, Hermione and Luna Lovegood were standing by at Snape's office, again at Harry's request. They stayed there for some time, unaware of the battle going on, and then Professor Flitwick showed up to get Snape to help. They heard a loud thump, and then Snape emerged from his office and asked the girls to take care of Flitwick, who he said had collapsed. Man, Snape doesn't even have to TRY with these idiots, does he? Naturally, Hermione feels terrible for not realizing the truth sooner, but Lupin points out that if they hadn't obeyed him, Snape probably would have killed them just to get them out of the way. Really, would he even have to? He probably would have just opened a window and waited for Hermione and Luna to jump through it. Of course, the truth of the matter was that Flitwick was knocked out when Dark Art the Bear chose that moment to emerge from Snape's Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox and take his revenge. The battle that took place between Flitwick entering the office and Snape leaving would likely blow your mind, so we won't discuss it here.
By the time Snape arrived, the battle wasn't going well for the good guys. Count Dooku had already cut off Luna's head, Crow and Servo were locked in a stalemate, and Skeletor from He-Man had managed to withstand Ron's electrochemical laser blasts. I was totally kicking ass in my Dragon Ball Z game. There was a cursed barrier keeping anyone from getting up to the Astronomy tower, but Snape managed to penetrate it with ease. By the time Snape and Señor Draco came back down, no one bothered to stop them, thinking that they were simply trying to get out of harm's way.
But enough about that. About here, Bill's parents and fiancée show up, naturally horrified by the news of his injuries. Mrs. Weasley rambles about how handsome he was before this happened, and how he was going to be married, which raises Fleur's ire. "What do you mean, "'e was going to be married?'" Fleur insists that this werewolf attack won't change how he feels about her, and that his wounded face simply demonstrates his bravery, so it doesn't change how she feels about him. Astonished by her devotion, Mrs. Weasley finally turns around on her disapproval of Fleur and starts to accept her as part of the family. I'm getting the feeling this scene was the only reason Fleur was even put in this book. For that matter, it's not like Bill had been doing much before this big battle at the school. Hell, I'm not even sure what he was doing there. I guess he's in the Order of the Phoenix or whatever.
Speaking of incidental characters, Tonks reacts to this exchange by declaring that SHE feels the same way for Lupin, and refuses to let his werewolf nature stop her from loving him. Lupin objects, pointing out that he's too old, poor, and dangerous for her, but Mr. Weasley points out that he's being ridiculous, and if Tonks wants him, that's all there is to it. Uh, weren't you here because your SON is in the HOSPITAL? This is all you're interested in right now? This is why shipper piss me off.
"This is... not the moment to discuss it," Lupin finally says, speaking for us all. On the other hand, let's explore this a bit. Bill gets mauled by a werewolf, and even though his face is mangled and he might become a werewolf himself, this hot French babe is still gonna marry him. Plus, everyone seems to respect him more for being so courageous in the line of fire. Remus Lupin, who IS a werewolf, apparently has to keep the ladies at arm's length. I mean, you don't see the Creature From the Black Lagoon telling girls that he's too old for them. I'm pretty sure he'd take any lovin' he could get. I assume much of Tonks' attraction towards him stems from all the cool undercover work he does outside the confines of this narrative. Finally, you've got Fenrir Greyback, the evil werewolf, who's easily the most compelling villain in this blasted tome. He's like Sabretooth from Marvel Comics, only without the lame costume and the Mary Sue baggage. We don't know if Greyback has a lady-friend or not, but I'm betting he could have any female Death Eater he wants, especially since the only other options are Snape and Draco.
The point I'm making here is that everyone seems to act like werewolfism is this terrible tragedy, but I'm not seeing it. Chicks dig you, guys seem to respect you more, surly book reviewers suffer your presence more easily, you get cooler jobs, etc, etc. Besides all of this, you're invulnerable to everything except silver bullets, and who uses those? Seriously, where do I sign up for this?
So now that all the bit players have paired off, McGonagall starts to take charge, summoning the Heads of House to her office, and asking to speak with Harry before they get there. And since she's the acting headmistress now that D-dore's gone to that flighty temptress, heaven, that means she gets his office. There, Harry notices that nothing has changed, save for that damn phoenix being outside to sing, and there's a new portrait on the wall with Dumbledore sleeping in it. So is that REALLY Dumbledore, or just some simulation used to memorialize the former headmasters? Because I'd just wake him up and ask him what's going on. On the other hand, it'd have to suck spending eternity decorating somebody's wall.
Mrs. McG insists Harry tell her what he and Dumbledore were doing just before he died, but he refuses, saying that he has no reason to stop following Big Al's orders or keeping his secrets just because he's dead. He does mention what Señor Draco had said about the barmaid he mind-controlled into helping him, but before McGonagall can react to that, the other Heads show up, along with Hagrid. Since Snape is teh evil now, Slughorn's filling in for him.
McGonagall's purpose is to discuss what the plan on doing before the Ministry arrives. Specifically, should the school be reopened for the following year. This is less of a security issue than a matter of reputation, what with one of the faculty killing the headmaster in cold blood and all. Flitwick insists the school tarry on, if only for the sake of any single pupil who wishes to attend. Slughorn wonders aloud if anyone would show up if they do reopen, since parents will naturally want to keep their families together in these dark days.
Interestingly, he points out that he personally feels that there's no more danger at Hogwarts than there is anywhere else, which is a complete reversal on the reasons he came back to the school in the first place. I suppose Rowling could have forgotten about Slughorn's cowardice back in Chapter 4, but I prefer to think she's developing his character with this remark. As little as Slughorn has done in the book, it's gradually become clear that the reason he was hiding from the Death Eaters was because of what he knew about Voldemort and Horcruxes, and his fear that Voldemort might kill him to keep that connection a secret. Dumbledore convinced him the school was more secure than moving from place to place, but this was a lure so Harry could find out what he knew, which he eventually did. This is really Slughorn's first appearance since he drunkenly provided his memory to Harry, which makes me think that even though he probably doesn't even remember doing it, he feels unburdened now that his secret is out. Now the damage to Voldemort is done, so there's far less reason for the Death Eaters to want to kill him, but more than that, I think it shows that what Slughorn had really been afraid of all along was his own guilt. Now that he's more or less absolved himself, he's prepared to stick it out for the school even after a night like this.
...
Also, he's very fat.
McGonagall checks to see what Hagrid thinks, mainly because both she and Dumbledore always valued his opinion, and I guess no one gives a rat's ass what Professor Sprout thinks. For his part Hagrid intends to stay, and so McGonagall decides to leave the matter to the board of governors. Wait, if the board decides the matter anyway, then why did the five of them discuss this in the first place?
They start to discuss sending the students home early this year, but Harry demands to know about Dumbledore's funeral, insisting that the students shouldn't be sent home until the burial. The others agree, so I guess that's settled. Harry excuses himself before the Minister arrives, and on the way to his room the lady in that paining asks him if it's true that Dumbledore died. READ A BOOK.
In his room, Harry confers with Ron for a while, and Ron brings up the whole Horcrux mission, probably wondering how they'll continue that task now that Dumbledore's no longer around to oversee its destruction. Defeated, Harry explains how it had already been taken and replaced with a fake, and he realizes that he really doesn't feel any curiosity at all over who took it and how. Not that I blame him, really, but it's still rather frustrating. Then again, this kid spent the whole book actively investigating who the Half-Blood Prince was and never figured it out, so I suppose I shouldn't be that impatient for him to get over his grief.
I guess this could be considered the slow-down period after all the stuff that happened in the last three chapters, but since Rowling has squandered most of the book up to now, she's still stuck dropping bombshells. Bill may be a werewolf, Tonks loves Lupin, the school might be closed down indefinitely, and Harry finally has a chance to establish he has no idea who R.A.B. is. This is stuff you go into in the MIDDLE of your book, not the END, and especially not directly after the climax of the book. This part of the book is supposed to be like those last few minutes of "The Empire Strikes Back", where everyone gets patched up and they start making plans to save Han and Luke tries to make sense of his father being his worst enemy. If Rowling had written "Empire" Luke probably would have turned to Leia on the deck of that Mon Calamari cruiser and said "Oh, by the way, I'm gay," just because she forgot to get into that earlier into the film when she had the chance to explore it properly. Given how little Tonks, Lupin, and Bill had to do with the story, I don't see why their personal issues couldn't have been addressed back in Chapter 21 when I was reading about Harry staring at a wall, or Chapter 19, when he was laid up in the hospital.
I had already complained about it before, but if it hadn't been for the Harry-only P.O.V. rule that dominates these books, we wouldn't have had to spend all this time on the other characters recreating their actions for Harry while he was watching something else. Certainly, the movie version of this won't have that problem, and the scene with Bill in the hospital will actually BE about Bill in the hospital, but that won't be for another few years, and until then I'm stuck with this awkward bit of storytelling. More to the point, it's not really like anything the others told Harry here was that important. Snape knocked out Flitwick, Draco used Darkness Powder to elude anyone expecting him, and no one stopped them from escaping because no one knew they were Death Eaters. It really went without saying that Snape and Señor Draco would confound their pursuers, seeing as they'd have to have been fairly good at it to have been double-agents all this time. If anything truly noteworthy had taken place, Rowling would have had Harry bear witness to that instead.
Maybe it's because I'm still hacked off about this R.A.B. nonsense, but I'm giving this one low marks. I'm not sure it deserves it, but at this point I don't really care. One more to go. That's all that matters now.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: Have a neat summer.
Now, to be fair, Movie IV hasn't irritated me the way it's predecessors have. That first Harry Potter trailer STILL infuriates me from how smarmy and overplayed it was on TV, and that was like five years ago. The second movie drove me nuts because that was the year I went to Wizard World and saw some movie poster with Dobby on it for sale at one of the booths. All I know is that I don't go to Harry Potter conventions and buy Superman comics, so I don't see why Harry Potter crap is being sold at my comic book convention. It's just wrong. After the movie came and went, of course, then you had the lady on the inDemand PPV preview channel hawking it all the time, with that condescending voice people on TV always used to use when discussing Harry Potter. Everytime I hear how much darker HP has gotten from those early installments, I think it's bull, but I've got to admit, ever since 2003 or so, people have finally stopped talking about Harry Potter like everyone in America is eight years old. Finally, the third movie mostly annoyed me because of the computer game adaptation. The ads for it always started out like it was a fairly interesting game. Scary music, black spectres flying around a snowy forest, everything's OK so far... until you see that they're chasing three thirteen-year-olds. It's supposed to make you mark out because you realize it's a game about your favorite characters, but I always sighed with annoyance because I was expecting someone taller. Or Spongebob. He'd be good. On the plus side, I was always amused with how the Prisoner of Azkaban's action figure looks just like Jesus Christ in a chain gang.
Anyway, with this new movie, I just don't watch as much TV as I used to, so the media blitz hasn't gotten to me. Also, I'm reviewing this frickin-frackin' book, so my hateful energies have been directed elsewhere. Nevertheless, I find reviews of GoF, like the one by CNN's Paul Clinton above, very familiar. Like all the movies before it, there seems to be a certain style to reviewing Harry Potter movies. You start out by talking about how much you love Harry Potter, how you read all the books and watched all the previous movies, and whenever you have any problems with the new film, you have to express that negativity as penitently as possible. Ask yourself, would any other movie review include a sentence like this one?
"I'm not saying the magic is gone, but I've lost that loving feeling."
I'm not saying Paul Clinton has to hate the movie, but it's almost like he's trying to apologize for not liking it as much as he could have, like he thinks J.K. Rowling will cry all night into her pillow if he gives it anything less than a perfect score. Or what about this gem:
So I'm less than thrilled. No matter. Seeing a "Potter" film is generally worth it. There's much to appreciate here, and there will be many people to appreciate it.
So he didn't totally love what he saw, but that's OK, because the mere act of seeing the movie was worth the experience. Also, this is a good movie because lots of people will enjoy it. Hey, heroin is popular too, that doesn't make up for its shortcomings. Again, if Paul Clinton likes the movie, fine. What I don't care for is that he seems to hint at some sort of problem he had with it, and yet he refuses to stop kissing Rowling's ass long enough to say just what that problem is. Maybe he's afraid of hate mail or something. Hey, I've been busting Potter's balls for four months now, and everyone seems pretty cool about it, so I don't know why he'd be concerned. I sense great fear in you, Paul Clinton. You have hate. You have anger. But you don't use them.
So my challenge this time around is for anyone who's seen "Goblet" to post a comment here and bash it. I'm not saying you had to hate it or anything, but as I learned in my college creative writing course, effective critique means you have to find at least one good thing and one bad thing about the material, otherwise the person who created the work wouldn't be able to figure out what strengths to play up and what weaknesses to overcome. Not that Warner Bros. is ever gonna go broke making these movies, but just the same, in that spirit of honest critique, let's whip out our red pens and make with the negativity, just this once.
Of course, I could just read my friends list, as they all get back from seeing this thing, but that's too much work. I like my idea better.
Last time, on Star Trek: The Next Generation Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...
Chapters 1-26: Harry spends the whole year slowly learning from Dumbledore about Voldemort's origins and how they relate to his quest for immortality. To that end, the pair travel to a remote cave Somewhere the F*** in England, in order to locate and destroy one of Voldemort's "Horcruxes", magical items used to store fragments of the soul and thus guard oneself from natural death.
Chapter 27: Snape kills Dumbledore.
Chapter 28: Shortly after failing miserably to cut off Snape's getaway, Harry notices the Horcrux lying next to Dumbledore's dead body is in fact a fake. Upon further inspection, he discovers a note inside, in which the signee informs Voldemort that he has already stolen and plans to destroy the real Horcrux from the cave, and left the fake behind to help cover his tracks.
You know, that really shouldn't have been spread out over the course of 600+ pages. What boggles my mind is that from what I hear about this new movie that's come out, Goblet of Fire is over 700 pages, and despite all the stuff they cut out of the story to fit the film, it still drags on in places. Correct me if I've misunderstood, since I haven't seen the movie or read the book it was based on, so I'd have no idea.
But enough about Harry Potter: Citizens on Patrol. Slide, slide, that's the past. This is City Under Siege.
Chapter 29: The Phoenix Lament
(Original Japanese title: "'Who's a Good Boy?' Fleur's Mighty Declaration of Love!!")
Right, so Dumbledore's still dead. I think what bothers me the most about this new development is that the book was already moving pretty slowly as it was. I knew the guy was gonna die going in, and to some extent I was actually looking forward to it, but now I realize that this will just divert the characters even further from the plotlines. There's no new developments to be had from Dumbledore, I mean. He died two chapters ago, and he's still dead now, and we're still focused on how the characters are just now absorbing the shock of it all. Me, I've long since moved on to wanting to know who the hell "R.A.B." is who slipped Voldemort the fake Horcrux, but anyone in the book who might shed some light on that mystery is too busy recovering from the Death Eater incursion to deal with it. This is what pisses me off so much about R.A.B. I could live with knowing his involvement won't be fully explained until the next book, but this revelation takes place so close to the end, when so much other stuff is going on, that it's mostly being ignored. Seriously, why have Dumbledore die, the Half-Blood Prince identify himself, and the Horcrux turn out to be fake, all in the span of seventeen pages near the end of the book, where there's no time for anyone to react? It's not like Rowling can claim she ran out of room. But I'm ranting about what's gone before. Let's move on.
Initially, Harry refuses to leave the scene of the crime, but Ginny manages to lead him away to the hospital wing, where it turns out the only fatality besides Dumbledore was one of the Death Eaters, so really they got off light, all things considered. There were some injuries, but the main focus of this chapter is Ginny's brother Bill, who got attacked by Fenrir Greyback. "he won't look the same anymore" is how Ginny describes his condition. Sometimes that's the best way to convey something grotesque. I wish more writers would leave things like that to the reader's imaginations.
The complication with Bill is that he was mauled by a werewolf, but it was while he was in human form. And since Greyback's really the only werewolf around who bites people as a human, no one's really sure what effect that'll have on Bill. What's for certain is that Bill's injuries can't be easily mended, since there's no magical treatment that works on werewolf bites. Now see, right there I would assume that means the same rules apply. If Greyback's human bites are just as immune to magic as when he's a werewolf, then that should mean it'd be no different than if he'd bitten Bill in wolf mode. Ergo, Bill would find himself in Werewolf City, and he's the mayor.
Of course, Remus Lupin has to crap all over my theory like he's some big expert, just because he's an actual werewolf. In his opinion, it's unlikely that Bill will become a full-blown werewolf from this experience, although his wounds are most certainly cursed, meaning that he may manifest certain wolfish characteristics, and the injuries may not heal fully. OK, I understand that they can't pluck their magic twangers and heal him good as new, but doesn't anyone here know what stitches are? Yes, there'd be scarring, but that still counts as "fully healed" in my book. Also, I know Lupin's trying to deliver bad news to Bill's friends and family when he say this, but my reaction to "might have some wolfish characteristics from now on" is "Cooooool!" Seriously, who wouldn't go for this? As long as I'm not being hunted by angry villagers, eating people, or sniffing dogs' butts, what's the downside to "wolfish characteristics"? Unless Lupin means Bill will turn into a furry from all of this. In that case they might as well shoot him now and spare him the shame.
At this news, Ron suggests that maybe Dumbledore can fix Bill up, and Ginny and Harry have to explain that he's too busy being dead at the moment. On the one hand, I think most of the characters in these books tended to overestimate D-Dore. Still, this sort of thing reminds me of every time the crew of the Enterprise did anything without Data around, and you realized how conspicuous he was by his absence. I bet he could heal Bill's face, just like that time he lost his memory on a RenFaire planet, but he still managed to invent the microscope and cure a whole town of radiation sickness by dumping a bucket of pee into their well. And they promoted Counselor Troi ahead of him, anyway. Starfleet's a bunch of racists.
Tonks asks how Dumbledore died, because she hasn't been on the internet at all in 2005. You know, maybe if she did more than just wander in and out of the story every five chapters or so, she wouldn't have to ask what's going on when something important happens. Harry briefly recaps Chapter 27 for everyone who wasn't there when it happened, including his speculation that Dumbledore must have realized at the last second that they had walked into a trap, which would explain why he immobilized Harry right before the Death Eaters found them.
Everyone pauses briefly when they hear some phoenix outside, singing a sad, sad song. Whatever.
Now Professor McGonagall shows up, and SHE wants to know what happened to Dumbledore. Geez, buy a newspaper or something. She takes the news hard, expressing disbelief, not so much over Snape's treachery, but the idea that Dumbledore's ironclad trust in him turned out to be misplaced. Lupin and Tonks agree, mentioning how no one really knew what Snape was thinking, but everyone just assumed that D-Dore had some secret reason for trusting him that no one else knew. Harry suggests that the reason might have been Snape's sorrow over his unknowing involvement in the Potters' murder. I seriously doubt that, and Lupin finds that hard to swallow as well, since Snape hated James Potter so much back in the day.
This all leads to a discussion of just what Snape was doing during the attack tonight, since the staff wants to figure out what went wrong, and Harry just wants more and more reasons to hate Snape. Yeah, you hate Snape, we got it. This is why I found Harry's hatred of Snape back in Chapter 8 so ridiculous. Harry hated Snape with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, and that was just because Snape gave him demerits for being late for dinner. Since then, Harry's learned of Snape's role in his parents' death, and he's witnessed Snape killing his mentor, AND Snape pretty much humiliated him on the battlefield afterward, and we're supposed to be SOOOO impressed with how much Harry hates him NOW. The dumbest part of all this is how Harry is "swearing vengeance" as they talk, like he somehow forgot the part where he already whizzed it against Snape a few minutes ago. Maybe if this kid focused on collecting ways to beat Snape in a fight instead of reasons to hate his guts, he'd do better.
Anyway, what follows is an explanation of what the other characters were doing during Chapter 27, which was mostly dominated by Dumbledore's confrontation with Señor Draco and his subsequent murder. As explained earlier on, the Death Eaters bypassed the school's defenses by entering through the Room of Requirement, courtesy of Señor Draco. Dumbledore had expected the attack, but not the means of entry, so before he left, he told everyone to keep an eye out. Harry's friends, meanwhile, were keeping watch on the RoR for him, because unlike Dumbledore Harry knew the Room was important but didn't know when or how it would be used. At H-Hour, Señor Draco emerged from the Room, but he used "Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder" to darken the hallway, and his "Hand of Glory", to allow only himself to see. Yeah, just when you think it can't get any goofier. It should be noted that said Darkness Powder was purchased from Fred and George's joke shop. I would make a joke about how dangerously stupid F&G are, but since they seem to be using a JOKE SHOP to outfit and equip both sides of a war, I'm wondering if "amorally opportunistic" wouldn't be more accurate a description. Just replace "Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder" with "battle droids" and "Shield Hats" with "army of Boba Fetts" and you've got the plot to "Attack of the Clones". Only Fred and George would have to stand on a chair to kiss Christopher Lee's butt, but hey.
Anywho, since the darkness was impervious to their magic, the kids couldn't stop the Death Eaters for fear of hitting one another in the process, so they simply found the adults patrolling the school and told them. With their supply of powder exhausted, it didn't take them long to find the Death Eaters, and then a fight broke out, involving, among other things, the Undertaker punching a shark.
While Ron and Neville were watching the Room of Requirement, Hermione and Luna Lovegood were standing by at Snape's office, again at Harry's request. They stayed there for some time, unaware of the battle going on, and then Professor Flitwick showed up to get Snape to help. They heard a loud thump, and then Snape emerged from his office and asked the girls to take care of Flitwick, who he said had collapsed. Man, Snape doesn't even have to TRY with these idiots, does he? Naturally, Hermione feels terrible for not realizing the truth sooner, but Lupin points out that if they hadn't obeyed him, Snape probably would have killed them just to get them out of the way. Really, would he even have to? He probably would have just opened a window and waited for Hermione and Luna to jump through it. Of course, the truth of the matter was that Flitwick was knocked out when Dark Art the Bear chose that moment to emerge from Snape's Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox and take his revenge. The battle that took place between Flitwick entering the office and Snape leaving would likely blow your mind, so we won't discuss it here.
By the time Snape arrived, the battle wasn't going well for the good guys. Count Dooku had already cut off Luna's head, Crow and Servo were locked in a stalemate, and Skeletor from He-Man had managed to withstand Ron's electrochemical laser blasts. I was totally kicking ass in my Dragon Ball Z game. There was a cursed barrier keeping anyone from getting up to the Astronomy tower, but Snape managed to penetrate it with ease. By the time Snape and Señor Draco came back down, no one bothered to stop them, thinking that they were simply trying to get out of harm's way.
But enough about that. About here, Bill's parents and fiancée show up, naturally horrified by the news of his injuries. Mrs. Weasley rambles about how handsome he was before this happened, and how he was going to be married, which raises Fleur's ire. "What do you mean, "'e was going to be married?'" Fleur insists that this werewolf attack won't change how he feels about her, and that his wounded face simply demonstrates his bravery, so it doesn't change how she feels about him. Astonished by her devotion, Mrs. Weasley finally turns around on her disapproval of Fleur and starts to accept her as part of the family. I'm getting the feeling this scene was the only reason Fleur was even put in this book. For that matter, it's not like Bill had been doing much before this big battle at the school. Hell, I'm not even sure what he was doing there. I guess he's in the Order of the Phoenix or whatever.
Speaking of incidental characters, Tonks reacts to this exchange by declaring that SHE feels the same way for Lupin, and refuses to let his werewolf nature stop her from loving him. Lupin objects, pointing out that he's too old, poor, and dangerous for her, but Mr. Weasley points out that he's being ridiculous, and if Tonks wants him, that's all there is to it. Uh, weren't you here because your SON is in the HOSPITAL? This is all you're interested in right now? This is why shipper piss me off.
"This is... not the moment to discuss it," Lupin finally says, speaking for us all. On the other hand, let's explore this a bit. Bill gets mauled by a werewolf, and even though his face is mangled and he might become a werewolf himself, this hot French babe is still gonna marry him. Plus, everyone seems to respect him more for being so courageous in the line of fire. Remus Lupin, who IS a werewolf, apparently has to keep the ladies at arm's length. I mean, you don't see the Creature From the Black Lagoon telling girls that he's too old for them. I'm pretty sure he'd take any lovin' he could get. I assume much of Tonks' attraction towards him stems from all the cool undercover work he does outside the confines of this narrative. Finally, you've got Fenrir Greyback, the evil werewolf, who's easily the most compelling villain in this blasted tome. He's like Sabretooth from Marvel Comics, only without the lame costume and the Mary Sue baggage. We don't know if Greyback has a lady-friend or not, but I'm betting he could have any female Death Eater he wants, especially since the only other options are Snape and Draco.
The point I'm making here is that everyone seems to act like werewolfism is this terrible tragedy, but I'm not seeing it. Chicks dig you, guys seem to respect you more, surly book reviewers suffer your presence more easily, you get cooler jobs, etc, etc. Besides all of this, you're invulnerable to everything except silver bullets, and who uses those? Seriously, where do I sign up for this?
So now that all the bit players have paired off, McGonagall starts to take charge, summoning the Heads of House to her office, and asking to speak with Harry before they get there. And since she's the acting headmistress now that D-dore's gone to that flighty temptress, heaven, that means she gets his office. There, Harry notices that nothing has changed, save for that damn phoenix being outside to sing, and there's a new portrait on the wall with Dumbledore sleeping in it. So is that REALLY Dumbledore, or just some simulation used to memorialize the former headmasters? Because I'd just wake him up and ask him what's going on. On the other hand, it'd have to suck spending eternity decorating somebody's wall.
Mrs. McG insists Harry tell her what he and Dumbledore were doing just before he died, but he refuses, saying that he has no reason to stop following Big Al's orders or keeping his secrets just because he's dead. He does mention what Señor Draco had said about the barmaid he mind-controlled into helping him, but before McGonagall can react to that, the other Heads show up, along with Hagrid. Since Snape is teh evil now, Slughorn's filling in for him.
McGonagall's purpose is to discuss what the plan on doing before the Ministry arrives. Specifically, should the school be reopened for the following year. This is less of a security issue than a matter of reputation, what with one of the faculty killing the headmaster in cold blood and all. Flitwick insists the school tarry on, if only for the sake of any single pupil who wishes to attend. Slughorn wonders aloud if anyone would show up if they do reopen, since parents will naturally want to keep their families together in these dark days.
Interestingly, he points out that he personally feels that there's no more danger at Hogwarts than there is anywhere else, which is a complete reversal on the reasons he came back to the school in the first place. I suppose Rowling could have forgotten about Slughorn's cowardice back in Chapter 4, but I prefer to think she's developing his character with this remark. As little as Slughorn has done in the book, it's gradually become clear that the reason he was hiding from the Death Eaters was because of what he knew about Voldemort and Horcruxes, and his fear that Voldemort might kill him to keep that connection a secret. Dumbledore convinced him the school was more secure than moving from place to place, but this was a lure so Harry could find out what he knew, which he eventually did. This is really Slughorn's first appearance since he drunkenly provided his memory to Harry, which makes me think that even though he probably doesn't even remember doing it, he feels unburdened now that his secret is out. Now the damage to Voldemort is done, so there's far less reason for the Death Eaters to want to kill him, but more than that, I think it shows that what Slughorn had really been afraid of all along was his own guilt. Now that he's more or less absolved himself, he's prepared to stick it out for the school even after a night like this.
...
Also, he's very fat.
McGonagall checks to see what Hagrid thinks, mainly because both she and Dumbledore always valued his opinion, and I guess no one gives a rat's ass what Professor Sprout thinks. For his part Hagrid intends to stay, and so McGonagall decides to leave the matter to the board of governors. Wait, if the board decides the matter anyway, then why did the five of them discuss this in the first place?
They start to discuss sending the students home early this year, but Harry demands to know about Dumbledore's funeral, insisting that the students shouldn't be sent home until the burial. The others agree, so I guess that's settled. Harry excuses himself before the Minister arrives, and on the way to his room the lady in that paining asks him if it's true that Dumbledore died. READ A BOOK.
In his room, Harry confers with Ron for a while, and Ron brings up the whole Horcrux mission, probably wondering how they'll continue that task now that Dumbledore's no longer around to oversee its destruction. Defeated, Harry explains how it had already been taken and replaced with a fake, and he realizes that he really doesn't feel any curiosity at all over who took it and how. Not that I blame him, really, but it's still rather frustrating. Then again, this kid spent the whole book actively investigating who the Half-Blood Prince was and never figured it out, so I suppose I shouldn't be that impatient for him to get over his grief.
I guess this could be considered the slow-down period after all the stuff that happened in the last three chapters, but since Rowling has squandered most of the book up to now, she's still stuck dropping bombshells. Bill may be a werewolf, Tonks loves Lupin, the school might be closed down indefinitely, and Harry finally has a chance to establish he has no idea who R.A.B. is. This is stuff you go into in the MIDDLE of your book, not the END, and especially not directly after the climax of the book. This part of the book is supposed to be like those last few minutes of "The Empire Strikes Back", where everyone gets patched up and they start making plans to save Han and Luke tries to make sense of his father being his worst enemy. If Rowling had written "Empire" Luke probably would have turned to Leia on the deck of that Mon Calamari cruiser and said "Oh, by the way, I'm gay," just because she forgot to get into that earlier into the film when she had the chance to explore it properly. Given how little Tonks, Lupin, and Bill had to do with the story, I don't see why their personal issues couldn't have been addressed back in Chapter 21 when I was reading about Harry staring at a wall, or Chapter 19, when he was laid up in the hospital.
I had already complained about it before, but if it hadn't been for the Harry-only P.O.V. rule that dominates these books, we wouldn't have had to spend all this time on the other characters recreating their actions for Harry while he was watching something else. Certainly, the movie version of this won't have that problem, and the scene with Bill in the hospital will actually BE about Bill in the hospital, but that won't be for another few years, and until then I'm stuck with this awkward bit of storytelling. More to the point, it's not really like anything the others told Harry here was that important. Snape knocked out Flitwick, Draco used Darkness Powder to elude anyone expecting him, and no one stopped them from escaping because no one knew they were Death Eaters. It really went without saying that Snape and Señor Draco would confound their pursuers, seeing as they'd have to have been fairly good at it to have been double-agents all this time. If anything truly noteworthy had taken place, Rowling would have had Harry bear witness to that instead.
Maybe it's because I'm still hacked off about this R.A.B. nonsense, but I'm giving this one low marks. I'm not sure it deserves it, but at this point I don't really care. One more to go. That's all that matters now.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: Have a neat summer.