Fic: "The Needs of the Few" (23/23)

[mijan]

Title: "The Needs of the Few"
Canon characters/Pairing(s): Kirk & McCoy, Pike, Finney
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 10,703
Warnings: Foul language, political situations, military stuff.
Summary: As cadets on a summer internship, Kirk and McCoy are supposed to keep their eyes open and their mouths shut. As far as Bones is concerned, that’s just plain wrong on Jim Kirk, but Jim seems determined to follow orders and fall in line for a change. After all, they’ve both seen enough trouble in two years at the Academy, and this is the Peace Mission of Axanar. However, when a mystery starts to weave itself around the mission, and the senior officers don’t seem interested in investigating, how far can Kirk and McCoy let it go?

Notes: This is it, kids. Final chapter. It's been one hell of a ride. Thanks for coming along with me on this journey. With the new movie coming out, I’m sure we’ll have lots of new fanfic inspiration. I'm just glad I got to share this one with you.

Previous chapters: One, Two, Three, Four(A), Four(B), Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Twenty-One, Twenty-Two

Chapter 23


Leonard felt the slight change in the vibration of the ship’s deck plates as the USS Athena dropped out of warp. He paused out of instinct, glanced at the chrono on the wall, then went back to folding his few belongings into his duffel.

In 30 minutes, they would make their rendezvous with the Federation transport ship Sutter, where the cadets would transfer ships and make the three-day journey back to Earth. Their internship was over. In just over a week, the fall semester would be starting. There’d be a new wave of fresh-faced cadets. The tedium of lecture halls, labs, training simulations, and fitness routines. Clinical duty at Starfleet Medical. Back to normal.

Normal.

Leonard shoved a folded t-shirt into his bag much more violently than necessary, scowling to himself. There was no such thing as normal anymore, and the fact that he was still pretending he knew anything about normalcy was ridiculous.

So much had happened. So much had changed. In the middle of everything, the idea of space exploration and Starfleet’s mission had gone from a gloriously abstract concept in an academy professor’s lecture to cold, hard reality. On a superficial level, in the immediate calm following the storm, the peace he’d made with it had turned out to be more of a temporary truce to keep himself together. He was still trying to process what had happened, and truth be told, he wasn’t altogether sure what he thought of it.

He was about to zip his duffel shut when his door chimed. He frowned; he wasn’t expecting anyone, and Jim had said he’d meet him down in the shuttle bay. “Enter.”

A familiar head of brown hair and a warm smile greeted him. “You weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?” Doctor Brex asked.

Leonard relaxed and leaned against the wall next to his bunk. “I thought the surprise not-going-away party you sprang on me yesterday was enough,” he replied lightly.

Brex chuckled. “I had nothing to do with that, actually.”

Leonard raised an eyebrow, then nodded in understanding. “Walsh, right?”

“Got it in one.”

“I’m going to miss her,” Leonard said, picking up another shirt and folding it. “She’s a damned good nurse to have around.” He stuffed the shirt into his bag.

“She definitely is.” Brex walked in and sank down onto the bunk across from Leonard’s, crossing his right ankle across his left knee casually. “Just to let you know... when you’re CMO of your own medical bay on a starship - and yes, Leonard, you will be - if you’re lucky, you’ll have a head nurse who will know what you need before you know it yourself, and will be able to scare your captain into coming down for his physical with nothing but a cheerful reminder.”

Leonard snorted in amusement, but In the back of his mind, he pictured Nurse Aldrich from his rotations at Starfleet Medical’s ER and wondered if she’d be amenable to a shipboard position someday. “I’ve known a few nurses like that over the years.”

“Over the years?” Brex gave him a look. “Still trying to sound like an old man?”

“I am an old man,” he replied automatically.

“I’ve said this before. You’re not old, Leonard.”

His instinctive sarcastic retort died before it reached his lips. He’d meant to say that after the shit he’d been through, he’d aged three times as fast as another man his age. Instead, a different sensation worked its way through him... something that he hadn’t felt in years.

In the face of the horrors he’d witnessed, he felt overwhelmed and innocent, like a child who hadn’t been ready for the real world. It had been terrifying. He had gone in so naive, without the experience needed to deal with that sort of thing, and he’d been surrounded by people who had already been dealing with space exploration for years.

He looked at Brex’s face, and not for the first time, he reminded himself that Brex was much older than he looked by human standards. The man had seen a lot, and there he was, patiently listening to Leonard call himself old.

Brex was right. Leonard wasn’t old, and the realization that he couldn’t hide behind that lie anymore left him feeling uneasy and exposed. He had been a skilled surgeon on earth, young but respected in his field, and confident beyond what he had a right to be... but as a Starfleet officer, he was as green as a new colt. He was awkward and unseasoned and not nearly ready for this.

At the same time, a new sensation was dawning on him. He felt strangely exhilarated by the unknown, the challenge, the abyss of his future stretched out in front of him. The last time he’d felt like that, he’d been holding his acceptance letter to medical school, nervous and excited and terrified all at once. All of his studying and testing up to that point had seemed like such a daunting task that he’d overcome, and he’d expected relief that he’d achieved it... only to realize that he had only climbed the first step in his attempt to summit a mountain.

For years, Leonard had been looking back at his trail down the mountain behind him, feeling his age as he’d focused on where he’d been. Now, he was looking up again. He wasn’t sure what the sensation was, but it was leaving him unbalanced.

“Leonard? Are you okay?”

Leonard shook his head, trying to clear the image. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He grabbed his PADD and dropped it on top of his folded clothing, then zipped up the duffel. “Just thinking too much.”

Brex smiled. “You’ve done more than enough thinking over the past two months. Your thesis looks great, you’ve helped quite a few members of our crew make progress in dealing with their phobias, and you’ve proven yourself to be an excellent shipboard doctor.”

Ignoring the heat rising in his cheeks, Leonard shrugged. “Just doing my job.”

“Someday,” Brex said as he rose to his feet, “you’ll learn to accept a compliment as smoothly as you perform emergency surgery.”

“Well, we can’t all of us be perfect now, can we?” He slung his duffle bag over his shoulder. “For now, I’ll be happy if I can survive until graduation with all my limbs attached, and maybe see if I can help Jim accomplish the same.”

“With you around, he’s got a pretty good chance.” Brex inclined his head towards the door. “Walk you to the shuttle bay?”

Leonard smiled easily. “Why not?”

The hallways weren’t any more active than usual for 0845 hours. The rendezvous with the Sutter was routine for everyone except the cadets who would be heading back to Earth. Pick up a few supplies, drop of a few cadets, and continue with the mission. Life in the black would continue without Leonard McCoy - all the adventures and emergencies and excitement even if he wasn’t there to see it.

Yeah, maybe he didn’t feel as old as he’d thought.

“You’re thinking too hard again,” Brex said lightly as the turbolift dropped them off on Deck 14.

“Force of habit.” He sighed as he shifted the strap of his bag on his shoulder. “Once I get back to Earth, I’m gonna drag Jim to O’Leary’s Pub, and we’re going to drink too much and stop thinking for a few hours.”

“If that’s what you need to do to re-set yourself, then go for it, but don’t you have some real time off before the start of the next semester?”

“Yeah. We’ve got a couple of weeks before fall semester starts up.”

Brex nodded thoughtfully. “I’d really suggest getting away for a few days. Get out of the city. Take some quiet time.”

“And that’s supposed to help me stop thinking?”

Brex gave him a sideways glance. “Or maybe give you time to think about things the way you need to. You’ve been through a lot. I’m glad you took the time to talk to me about it, but it will take you a while to process it the way you need to. And besides... what were we talking about on the first day of your internship? Something about how the health of the mind is just as important as the health of the body, and that’s something a lot of Starfleet doctors tend to forget?”

Leonard raised an eyebrow and sighed with chagrin. “Doctor, heal thyself. Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I am,” he said with a sly smile. “That’s why they made me a Commander.”

Leonard rolled his eyes as the shuttle bay doors opened in front of them. He pulled up short just inside the shuttle bay. Some of the cadets were already down there, but he didn’t see Jim. A hand rested gently on his shoulder, and he startled slightly to see Brex giving him a warm look.

“I know you’re going to go wherever they assign you, but with your credentials, you’ve got a say in it. The Athena is being refitted at the end of this tour as a research vessel. I’ve been offered the CMO position aboard the USS Farragut once they finish the refit on her next spring, and I’m thinking about taking it. She’s a Constitution Class ship, and there will probably be some exciting times. That will be right around the time you graduate, if I’m not mistaken.”

Leonard opened his mouth to reply, and realized he had no idea what to say. “I... thank you, but I have no idea where I want to serve. I hadn’t really thought about it actually. I kinda figure... I...” His voice trailed off.

Brex nodded in understanding. “You kinda figured you’d request to go wherever Kirk goes.”

Leonard nodded, feeling a bit sheepish.

“Well, honestly... I think that sounds like a good plan. He needs you as much as you need him, and if this internship of yours was any indication, the two of you are going to do some interesting things in your careers.”

A warm flush that Leonard couldn’t quite define crept up his neck and threatened to overtake his ears and cheeks. “We’ll probably just find new and interesting ways to get ourselves killed.”

Brex laughed. “You are the proverbial ray of sunshine.”

Leonard couldn’t help but chuckle. “Glad to brighten your day.”

“You have, actually. You usually do.” Brex’s expression became absolutely sincere. He took a quick glance over at the group of cadets by the shuttlecraft before looking back at Leonard. “It’s been a pleasure serving with you, Doctor McCoy,” he said, holding out his hand.

Leonard accepted the handshake, warm and friendly. “Likewise, Doctor Brex.”

But Brex didn’t release his hand immediately. “And Leonard? It’s been a pleasure having you as a friend. I’m proud of you.”

“I...” Leonard blinked in surprise, and the automatic impulse to brush off the kind words almost broke through... but in a heartbeat, he pushed that impulse back down. Then he smiled. “Thank you.”

“Just being honest. Stay in touch after you graduate, and maybe consider a tour on the Farragut if you can drag Kirk along for the ride.”

“Will do. Thank you.”

With one last firm pump of the handshake, Brex released his hand, turned, and walked out of the shuttlebay. Leonard watched him go, shuddering with the same odd chill he’d felt far too many times in recent weeks when watching someone walk away. The mental image of Jim walking out the door on Araxis flickered through his mind.

Yeah, maybe he did need some time to process things.

He turned and looked at the rest of the cadets, talking amongst themselves next to the shuttlecraft. Like him, they were all back in their cadet reds. It seemed wrong, somehow.

He heard the hiss of the door behind him, and the cheerful greeting, “Bones!” a split second before a hand clapped him heavily on the shoulder. He startled sharply, his breath catching in his chest as Jim fell into stride behind him, grinning broadly at having surprised his best friend.

Again.

Leonard rolled his eyes. “Infant.”

“Come on, Bones... we’ve got three days to be cooped up on a transport ship. If I don’t start blowing off energy now, I might reach critical mass, implode, and form a rift in space-time, and that can’t be good for getting back to campus in time for the next semester.”

“Well, just implode in your own quarters, not mine.”

“Oh! Forgot to tell you - the transport ship bunks us two to a room, so I got us assigned to the same quarters.”

Leonard looked up at the ceiling and sighed, hiding his impulse to grin at Jim’s usual meddling. “For the love of bourbon, please tell me you brought some study material.”

Jim grinned more broadly. “No assignments yet for next semester’s classes.”

“Reading material?”

“Porn.”

“Goddammit, Jim.”

Jim’s laughter echoed off the walls and ceiling of the shuttle bay.

*********

The shuttle from Starbase 1 to the Academy Shuttle Hangar was almost as spartan as the one they’d taken from the Riverside Shipyard two years ago. This one was designed for space flight, not just high atmosphere transport, so it was a bit more substantial, but not by much. Still, when Jim looked over at Bones, he was pleased to see that the guy didn’t look the slightest bit anxious.

Well... he didn’t look as though he was uneasy about the flight. He did, on the other hand, look preoccupied. He was staring out the viewport, but he didn’t seem to be looking at the familiar planet spinning below them, or at anything else in particular.

“Bones?”

Bones didn’t respond. He didn’t even blink.

Jim frowned. His best friend had been unusually quiet during their three days on the transport ship. Jim had given him plenty of openings for conversation, but Bones hadn’t taken any of them. He’d been like that during the last couple of weeks on the Athena, but with Earth in front of them and their internship now behind them, the silence was too much. “Hey, Bones?” This time, he nudged the guy with his elbow for good measure.

“Huh?” Bones startled and turned towards Jim, his eyes coming into focus from somewhere far away. “What?”

Jim shook his head in frustration. “Come on, man... what’s eating you?”

“Just... just stuff, Jim.”

Jim gave him a look. “And you think I’m going to take that for an answer?”

When Bones didn’t reply, Jim sighed and turned slightly in his seat to face Bones more straight on. “Listen, I know we both went through a lot over the past couple of months, but you talked more in the days right after Araxis than you did in the last couple of weeks. I know you, Bones. Something’s up. So stop stewing in your own brain juices and just tell me what’s going on.”

Bones lips twisted into an unreadable expression. “Brain juices, Jim?”

“Yeah, I know, I’m weird. But spill it.”

For a long moment, Bones was quiet. Then, in a small voice, without looking at Jim, he said, “I got in touch with Jocelyn a week after the battle.”

Jim felt his eyes go wide. “You never told me. What did you say to her? What did she say?”

“Well... she had heard about what happened on Araxis through the Federation News Network, and I told her in the first message that I had been there.” He took an unsteady breath. “Apparently, she didn’t really believe me at first, but when she looked into it, she found out that I’d been in the middle of the whole mess... so she replied. And we talked.”

Jim let out a low whistle. “What did you talk about?”

Another long, silent moment passed. “About acting like adults because life is too short and fragile to be petty when our daughter deserves better than that. We remembered that we were friends once, and while some bridges can’t be mended, we can be civil.”

Jim nodded slowly. “Then... that’s pretty good, right? I mean, if you two are talking... that means you’ll get to see Joanna again, and maybe spend more time with her... what?”

Bones’ expression became pinched and strained. “That’s just it - she stopped replying two weeks ago when I asked her if I could spend some of my time with Joanna before the start of the semester.”

“Oh.” Bones’ mood was making more sense now. “Hey, maybe she was just busy, right? I mean, you said she was always doing social bullshit and getting wrapped up in events and stuff, right?”

“Yeah,” Bones replied, his voice flat. “Maybe.” He looked back out the window and fell silent again.

Jim was trying to figure out what to say to reassure the guy, but nothing was coming to mind. Just a few short weeks ago, they’d come within minutes - or maybe seconds - of being vaporized. Now, with Bones having been given a second chance, it probably felt like that chance was being taken away again, and Jim had no idea what to say to that.

“Hey Jim?” Bones’ voice finally cut the silence, although he didn’t turn away from the window. “What are you doing until the start of the next semester?”

Jim frowned. “Well... I didn’t really have any set plans. Maybe schedule some group sim time with my flight squad once they all get back to campus next week. Do some extra physical training. Maybe I’ll even sleep in a couple of times. Why?”

“Remember that idea we had last summer... about getting out of the city, renting a cabin up in the Sierra Nevadas, and just having some quiet time away from everyone else?”

“Yeah,” Jim said feeling a flash of regret. “And then I got selected as a flight team candidate and had to stay for training and evaluations. I’m sorry about that, Bones. I wanted to do it.” Then he grinned. “Want to go for it now?”

Bones finally turned away from the viewport, giving Jim a tentative smile in return. “I was considering it. Wanted to see what your plans were first.”

“I think I have plans to sit around a campfire, drink beer, go fishing, and maybe do some rock climbing.”

Bones smile turned into a critical scowl. “Rock climbing, Jim? I was planning this to be relaxing.”

“Climbing is relaxing!”

The eyebrow creeped up towards Bones’ hairline. “Maybe for you, but I’m just picturing myself on the ground, trying not to have a hypertensive stroke watching you risk your damned neck for a thrill. Why the hell would anyone want to climb a mountain?”

“Because it’s there,” Jim said simply. Then, at the sudden shift in Bones’ expression, Jim nodded, and pointed towards the window. “Same reason we go into space, Bones. Because it’s there. That’s who we are.”

For a long moment, Bones looked at him, then sighed. “You’re right, kid.” Then he looked out the window again. “I’ll have to pack some anti-anxiety meds, but yeah, I think you’re right.”

Jim chuckled, and he could see Bones smiling in the reflection in the shuttle viewport.

The fell into silence again, but the silence wasn’t heavy or oppressive. They watched the view outside the window turn lighter as the vacuum of space retreated behind them. In only a few minutes, the curved horizon of the Earth became flat, and vague landscapes began to resolve into a familiar city. The Golden Gate Bridge cut through light puffs of fog, bright red in the sunlight.

“Home, sweet home,” Bones mumbled to himself.

“Mmm-hmm,” Jim replied softly.

The shuttle banked to the left, and Jim watched over Bones’ shoulder as they made their final approach. Then he frowned. “There’s a crowd outside the hangar.”

“Yeah, there is,” Bones said in confused agreement.

“And... they’re assembling,” Jim said in surprise. “There’s a stage. Holy shit, Bones... they didn’t tell us.”

“Of course they didn’t tell us.” His words were laced with annoyance. “That’s why they call crap like this a surprise.”

“I’m surprised.”

Bones looked back at him with a strange expression on his face. “You shouldn’t be, Jim. After what you did -”

But Jim found himself shaking his head. “I just did my duty.”

Bones let out a soft sigh. “Yeah, you did, Jim. And the thing of it is... that’s more than most people ever do.”

“You did it, too.”

There was a soft clank as the shuttlecraft touched down on the plascrete floor of the shuttle hangar.

Bones looked back at him, his mouth hanging slightly open. For a moment, Jim thought he was going to protest, but then his eyes closed for a second. When they opened, he was smiling softly. “Thanks, kid. Come on... let’s go see what all the fuss is about.”

They went to the back of the compartment to get their duffels, talking quietly to the other cadets in the shuttle, who seemed just as surprised as they were.

“Any chance we can just slip out the back?” Liu said uneasily as he swung his bag out of the storage compartment. As confident as he was about his duties, he hated being in front of people.

Buhari gave him an amused look. “You can take a bullet, but you’re camera shy?”

“We all have our issues,” Liu replied in an undertone.

“All I want is to go hide in my dorm room until the start of the semester,” Nadeau chimed in. “I’m just glad we’re all alive.”

“We’re not all alive,” Wilcox said flatly.

Everyone in the shuttle’s passenger compartment froze. They looked at each other, nobody daring to break the silence first. Hererra’s death had been mourned aboard the ship, but after that, none of the cadets had talked about it much. It was too raw, and hit too close to home. Jim knew that Bones had been talking to Doctor Brex about it a little bit, but mostly, they’d remained silent.

To Jim’s surprise, it was Bones who broke the standstill. “I’ve lost patients plenty of times before,” he said roughly, “but I’ve never seen someone killed in front of me. Not like that. Still... we’re Starfleet now. We’re not going to hide from what happened, just like we’re not going to hide from the crowd out there.” Then he turned to Jim, who had, in many ways, remained the effective leader of the cadets even after they’d recovered from the events on Araxis. “Isn’t that right, Kirk?”

Bones held eye contact until Jim was compelled to nod. “Yeah.” Then he looked at everyone else in the shuttle. “That’s right.”

When everyone had nodded and murmured their agreement, Jim stepped forward and triggered the hatch release. “Come on, guys. Let’s go.”

*********

It wasn’t a long ceremony. There was a crowd, but it wasn’t too big. Captain Pike was officiating.

To Jim, it was all a blur.

There was a moment of silence for Hererra, and an announcement of the official memorial service to be held at the start of the semester. Pike gave a brief recap of the events on Araxis. Then there was applause as Jim, Buhari, Liu, and Wilcox received commendations for being wounded in the line of duty. Bones was given some sort of special recognition for valor in the line of duty as a medical professional. Jim didn’t even catch the name of the award, but he was impressed by how gracious Bones was when he accepted it.

And suddenly, Pike was standing in front of him again with a box.

“Sir?”

“This is a joint award from Starfleet and the people of both Axanar and Araxis.” Pike’s voice echoed over the loudspeakers from the tiny microphone clipped to his collar, but his eyes were on Jim, and his smile was warm. “Both planets bear a plant that resembles a Terran palm tree. It has long been a symbol of selflessness and service on their planets, and represents those who are held in the highest honor by both the Axanar and Araxians. On Earth, it symbolizes victory and triumph. Therefore, for exceptional valor and selfless service which was instrumental in the successful resolution of the events on Araxis, I am proud to present you with the Palm Leaf of Axanar Peace Mission.”

Pike opened the box, revealing a medal with an unusual design - a silver-toned ribbon, from which hung a silver palm leaf cluster encrusted with a single opal.

This was too weird. Jim stared at it, feeling oddly separate from his own body. He was on a stage, in front of a few hundred people, being presented with an award that hadn’t existed until just now, and he didn’t know what to say.

Then there was an elbow against his arm, and the familiar sound of Bones clearing his throat.

Heat rose in Jim’s cheeks, and he pulled himself together. “I... thank you, sir.” His voice didn’t even sound like his own in his ears.

Still, Captain Pike just gave a gentle smile as he lifted the medal out of the box and pinned it to the front of Jim’s uniform. Then, he stepped back to the podium, said a few more words, and the crowd applauded enthusiastically.

Jim knew he should feel proud. He should feel thrilled, really. A prestigious award, interplanetary recognition for his part in such a momentous event, and the trust of his peers were raining down on him... but all he could think about were the things that had gone wrong. In fact, those had been the biggest things stewing in his mind ever since he’d woken up in sickbay the morning after the battle. Now, those thoughts were reaching a crescendo in his head, and he couldn’t ignore them.

Why the hell was he being rewarded when so much had gone wrong?

Even as they were waved off the stage and down a set of stairs, Jim could barely think past the dizzying sense of failure that was wrapping everything in a fog.

“Hey, Jim, are you okay?”

“Yeah, Bones,” he replied automatically. “I’m just... thinking.”

“You’re thinking, and you’re shaking. After what you said to me earlier, do you think I’m going to let you get away with giving me that for an answer?”

Jim turned to face his friend. “No... but not here, okay? Maybe over a beer later. I think we’re overdue for a beer night.”

Bones looked at him with understanding and sympathy in his eyes. “Yeah, I think we are.” He took a quick glance back at the pile of bags the cadets had left just inside the hangar, then looked back at Jim. “Yeah, we’re way overdue. How about we grab our bags, drop them off at our rooms, change into civvies, and... and...” His voice trailed off.

“Bones?”

But Bones wasn’t looking at Jim anymore. He was staring over Jim’s shoulder with rapidly widening eyes, and his mouth was hanging open in an expression of disbelief.

With a sudden suspicion, Jim turned around to see a woman standing there. Brown hair done up in a loose braid, brown eyes, wearing a full-length summer dress, and she was distantly familiar. Jim looked back at Bones, who finally spoke, bringing the brief mystery to a close with one word.

“Jocelyn.”

“Leonard,” she replied evenly. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your last few messages, but Captain Pike told me about this little welcome home ceremony, and... well... I wanted to surprise you.”

Bones’ eyes were still wide, and he looked as though he was afraid to move, for fear that it would either explode or disappear. “I’m surprised. I’m damned surprised.”

Jocelyn’s expression soured briefly. “Now, Leonard... you know better than to cuss in front of a child.” And before anyone could ask what she meant, Jocelyn stepped to the side, revealing a short figure that rapidly ducked behind her skirt again. “Come on, Jo. You said you were excited to see him. I think he’d like to see you, too.”

“Joanna?” Bones breathed.

Brown hair and freckles peeked out from behind Jocelyn’s skirt. Hazel eyes blinked, looking so much like Bones’ eyes that it was startling. Three years old? Four? Jim couldn’t remember, but she wasn’t very old. Bones had been in contact with his daughter by commlink for a while, but Jim knew he hadn’t seen her in person since the divorce. That would be a long time for a kid that age. It was no wonder she was being shy.

“Go on, Jo,” Jocelyn said softly. “You talked to him just a couple of weeks ago.”

Slowly, Bones sank down to one knee, putting himself essentially at eye level with his daughter. It was as though he couldn’t see anything else in the universe. “Jo-Jo? Hey, it’s me. I’ve missed you, baby girl. Did you get the doll I sent for your birthday?”

Joanna nodded, and in a small, hesitant voice, she said, “I really like her. She looks like me. Like a little sister. I named her Jenny.”

“That’s a good name,” Bones said carefully but warmly. “I wish I could have brought it to you myself, but I was still in space.”

“I know.”

“Did you have fun taking the shuttle here?”

The little girl shrugged. “I got to read stories on the way here, but I don’t really like shuttles. They make noises.”

Bones sucked in a sharp breath, and Jim could see him shaking slightly. “Want to know a secret? I don’t like shuttles either.”

At that, Joanna took a full step out from behind Jocelyn. “You don’t like shuttles? But I thought you went into space on shuttles.”

Bones smiled, and... was that moisture on his cheeks? “I do go into space on shuttles even though I don’t like them. But I do it because I want to help people. There are a lot of people out there who need help. And then I took a shuttle back here so I could see you.”

Joanna hesitated for a second, then looked up at Jocelyn.

Jocelyn smiled at her and nodded. “Go ahead, sweetheart.”

Small feet pattered across the plascrete and Joanna threw her arms around Bones, and Bones was clinging to her as though his life depended on it. They were surrounded by a crowd of people, but they could have been anywhere, and Bones wouldn’t have noticed. There were definitely tears on his cheeks now, and he held Joanna and was saying something softly to her that wasn’t for anyone else to hear.

Jim felt something hot and intense well up in his own chest and eyes, and he had to blink a few times to hold it back. Then looked up at Jocelyn, who was giving him a curious look. Before she could say anything, he gave her a tight smile, a nod, and then... he walked away.

Sure, he and Bones had just been talking about going out for drinks, but not now. No, this was too important, and Jim wasn’t going to begrudge Bones the time he needed with his daughter, and he wasn’t going to interrupt. This was the moment for him to step aside.

Still, his breath was coming just a bit too fast as he walked over to where the cadets had dropped their duffel bags when they’d come off the shuttle. He reached for his bag from the pile, then stopped. Frowned. He counted, and realized that all of the other cadets’ bags were still there.

Curious, Jim looked up and scanned the crowd.

Liu was being hugged fiercely by a tiny woman, and was surrounded by a large group of Chinese people of various ages who could have been his extended family. Wilcox was standing with some of the cadets from her flight squad, but a middle-aged man had his arm around her shoulders, and Jim realized that the guy had the same facial features as she did - probably her father. Buhari was holding hands with another cadet, and based on body language, it was probably her boyfriend. Surrounding them, however, was a tight knot of people who were obviously family members. And finally, off to the side, Nadeau was getting thoroughly fussed-over by a woman who had to be his mother, speaking rapidly in French that Jim could hear all the way from there.

That was everyone. They all had their families there. Jim looked around for the folks from Nova Squadron, but then remembered that everyone on his team had assignments that summer, or were off-campus until next week. Nobody was there.

With a sigh, and trying not to let it get to him, Jim grabbed his duffel and slung it over his shoulder. When he turned around, however, he found himself face-to-face with Captain Pike.

“Captain Pike,” Jim greeted him formally. Other than that moment on stage, and the weekly reports, Jim hadn’t had any contact with Pike since before the debacle on Araxis. The reports were all written, not verbal, and Jim had simply reported what was going on. Pike had occasionally replied with a few questions, but really, they hadn’t spoken.

“At ease, Kirk,” Pike said gently. “In fact, here... let me take that.”

He reached for Jim’s bag, and Jim was too startled to do anything but hand it over.

“Sir?”

“You’ve had a long trip, and I’ve been stuck behind my desk all week,” he explained as he started walking, indicating for Jim to follow along. “Besides, you’ll probably never have a senior officer carry your bags again, so just go with it.”

Jim flushed. “Aye, sir.” Then, “Where are we going?”

“Just for an unofficial debriefing.” He gave Jim a sideways glance. “In other words, I owe you some time after everything that happened, and a simple commlink wouldn’t have been the same. So we’re going to grab some coffee and talk.”

“Okay... wait.” Jim stopped short and looked back at Bones. He was standing now, with Joanna in his arms, propped up on his hip, and he was smiling and crying and talking. Even Jocelyn had a pleasant expression on her face, and Joanna’s high-pitched laughter could be heard over the rest of the crowd. Jim was pretty sure he’d never seen Bones looking quite so happy, and he sighed. “Never mind. He’s got his hands full right now.”

“You’ve kept his hands full for a couple of years,” Pike said.

“I know. I shouldn’t... this is his time with his daughter. I’d be selfish if I got in the middle of that.”

“You’re not selfish. You two have been through a lot together.” Pike tipped his head towards the family reunion in-progress. “His ex contacted us about when he was returning and she explained why, and I decided to help her surprise him. Anyway, I figured he might be a bit busy with his daughter this afternoon. Seemed like a good time for us to talk.”

Jim looked up at Pike, and he suddenly realized that this was more than just an unofficial debriefing. While everyone else had their families there to greet them, Pike was making sure that he wasn’t alone.

He cleared his throat, which had gone a bit tight. “Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” came the soft reply. Pike started walking again, and Jim fell into step. “Your mother couldn’t be here, but she wanted to be. I sent her a vid of the ceremony. You might want to send her a comm tonight.”

“I will.”

They approached a ground car, and with a press of Pike’s thumbprint, the doors and trunk opened. He tossed the duffel bag in the trunk and indicated for Jim to get into the passenger seat. “Also, you should know that I got an interesting communique from a particular Tellarite ambassador, asking if we would assign you the Diplomatic Corps as his assistant when you graduate,” he said as he fastened his safety harness. “Care to explain?”

Jim stared at Pike in surprise until the captain cracked a grin. Jim laughed aloud as Pike pulled the car away from the parking area and toward the campus access road. As he did, Jim looked back at the area where cadets and family were still gathered, and he saw Bones.

Bones was still holding Joanna, but he was no longer talking and laughing. His eyes were fixed on the car as if he could see straight through the polarized windows at Jim, and his expression was confused and a bit lost.

Jim swallowed tightly, then said, “Wait, sir... I need to go do something.”

“I understand.” Pike’s voice was set in a tone of unending patience, and it made Jim feel as though he was standing on solid ground for the first time since he stepped off the shuttle. It was a good feeling.

Pike stopped the car, and Jim hopped out, then jogged back over to where Bones was standing, watching him intently.

“Just gonna leave without saying a word, Jim?”

“I wasn’t leaving. I mean... I was, but Pike wanted to talk to me, and... well... you were busy with your family. I figured you’d comm me later.”

Bones gave him an incredulous look, eyebrow raised ominously.

“What?”

“You’re right, Jim. I’m busy with family. And you can be such an idiot sometimes.” He looked at his daughter. “One moment, Jo.” Then he put her down, and without any warning, he grabbed Jim in a tight hug.

After a moment of surprise, Jim found himself returning the hug, patting Bones awkwardly on the back. When they finally broke apart, Bones was giving him that look again. “When I say I’m busy with family, I mean all of it.”

The obvious implication struck Jim, and he looked back and forth between Bones, Jocelyn, and Joanna, not quite sure what to say.

Then a small voice chimed in. “Are you two gonna kiss?”

With a burst of laughter, the tension was broken. Bones picked Joanna up again, tossing her into the air as she squealed, obviously having gotten over her shyness from before. Introductions were made, and Jim decided that while Jocelyn seemed pleasant enough, he couldn’t imagine Bones actually married to her. She seemed far too stuffy. Or maybe that was Bones before he’d met Jim Kirk.

Finally, Jim looked back over at the waiting car with Pike in it.

“Bones, I’ve actually got to go.”

Bones frowned. “Are you sure? I mean, you could come with us. I was going to take Jo to the beach, and then for ice cream in the Mission district.”

“I’m sure,” Jim replied with more certainty than he felt. “I really do need to talk to Pike. Besides, we see each other all the time. Half the time, you’re yelling at me to get out from underfoot. Go spend the afternoon with Joanna.” He looked at the young girl who looked eerily like Bones. “And you go have some ice cream for me.”

“I like mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

Jim smiled broadly. “Me too.” Then, to Bones, “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay, Jim,” came the uncertain reply.

With a wave, Jim jogged back to the car.

*********

The coffee was steaming hot with just the right amount of cream in it, and Jim closed his eyes and held the cup under his nose for a long, indulgent moment. It was one scrap of familiarity and comfort in a world that seemed strange, unbalanced, and just plain wrong. Maybe, if he kept his eyes closed, it would all disappear.

It was a ridiculous thought, of course, and when he opened his eyes, Pike was still there, sitting across the small table from him.

They were tucked into one corner of the Warming Hut on the edge of the campus, out of the line of sight of anybody who might venture in. It didn’t really matter where they were sitting, though. This afternoon, the old cafe building was quiet and almost deserted. It was a warm enough day that most people would be spending the afternoon on the beach, in the Mission District, or up in the mountains if they could get away.

Jim looked out the window and imagined the mountains beyond the skyline of the city. He wouldn’t intrude on Bones’ time with Joanna, but maybe he and Bones would still have time to rent a cabin for a couple of days before the start of the semester. Once the idea of a camping trip had been planted in his head, it had taken root. He needed to escape. He needed a distraction. He needed time to clear his head.

“Need to talk, son?”

Yeah, that too.

Jim took a slow sip of coffee before speaking. “Not really sure what to say, sir.”

“I’d start with whatever’s on your mind, and go from there.”

Pike’s tone of voice was so calm, so damned unflappable that Jim found himself laughing, but not happily.

“What... whatever’s on my mind? Sir, with all due respect, if I tell you what I’m thinking right now... I’d probably get written up.” He shook his head in dismay. “You can’t just... you can’t possibly -”

“Understand?” Pike interrupted without malice. “Can’t understand what it’s like to go through a crisis? Can’t understand what it’s like to watch a fellow officer die in front of me? Kirk, where do you think I got these stripes on my sleeve?”

Stunned at being verbally slapped across the face with the obvious, Jim slowly put down his cup of coffee, and swallowed tightly. “I didn’t mean...” Then he shook his head again, staring down at the table. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He sounded like he meant that. “Like I said... whatever is on your mind. Why do you think we’re here and not in my office? I want you to speak freely. I’ve been there myself, and yeah, I understand. The garbage it leaves in your head isn’t pretty.”

Jim looked up, realization and I’m-such-an-idiot dawning on him. Of course Pike had seen shit before. How could he have thought otherwise? He sucked in a bracing breath, then let it out slowly, nodding in acceptance. “Then you know why it’s hard to talk about it, even when you know you need to.”

“I do. And I can tell you this much: it doesn’t really get easier as you get older. Different, maybe. Time and distance are filters that change your perspective.” He laughed in a self-effacing sort of way. “Maybe age is another one.”

“Bones calls himself an old man,” Jim mused softly.

Pike snorted. “Yeah, I’ve heard him spout that bullshit. Someday, in the distant future, the simple fact that he’s actually old will catch up with him and bite him in the ass, and he’ll wonder where it came from.” He sighed and leaned his elbows heavily on the table. “You two are still so young. You’re older than most of the cadets, but you’re not old.” He paused, then sighed. “Age and experience count for a lot in Starfleet, but they’re not everything. Rank isn’t everything.”

Something in Pike’s tone had changed, and Jim sat up a bit straighter. Again, his thoughts flashed to his failures on Araxis. So many things he should have done differently. He should have known better. Inexperience gets people killed. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have -”

“Now there you go again, jumping to conclusions. That’s not where I was going.” Pike looked at him for a long moment. “Part of the problem... in more ways than I can express... is that it’s been too long since I’ve been out there in the black. Don’t you be sorry, Jim. I’m sorry. It’s been too long, and I was too complacent. As I said, age and experience count for a lot... but not everything. I forgot that every day out there is the unexpected. And I forgot why I recruited you.”

Some of the tension in Jim’s shoulders loosened up, but he was still confused. He really had no idea where Pike was going with this. “Sir?”

“Actually,” Pike continued, “it was Cadet McCoy who reminded me. He went off like a string of firecrackers that night... after the battle. Ripped into me in a way I haven’t experienced since I was an ensign.” A small grin curled the corner of his mouth.

Jim raised an eyebrow in curiosity. “If it was that spectacular, do I get to ask what you got chewed out for when you were an ensign?”

“No.” Then the corners of his eyes crinkled in amusement. “But I’ll tell you this much: if you’re late reporting back from your first shore leave, make sure you’re not obviously hung over... and try to remember all of your uniform.”

“I’ll try to remember that,” Jim said, letting the picture paint itself.

Pike nodded. “Good. And I’ll try to remember what McCoy burned into my ears that night.” He paused for a moment, looked down at his folded hands on the table in front of him, then finally looked up again. His expression was serious. “I recruited you because I felt that Starfleet had lost something, and that you had what we needed. You think outside the box. You don’t see regulations and rules as the absolute binding constraints that most officers see. And, as McCoy eloquently slurred through a hefty dose of sedatives, you’re different. That’s what saved a whole lot of people on Araxis a few weeks ago. Someday... well, I guess that someday, you’ll probably do it again.”

Jim wasn’t sure what to say to that. “I hope I don’t need to do it again anytime soon.”

Pike gave him a sympathetic look. “Don’t we all? But listen - I may have recruited you on a hunch, but that’s not why you’re still here. You’re here because you’ve shown us - over and over again - that you’re worthy of that uniform. You earned every scrap of it yourself, and I want you to remember that.” He made eye contact again, and didn’t look back down.

Jim’s mouth fell open slightly, but this time, he didn’t have anything else to say to fill in.

“You don’t do anything in half-measures, and in some people’s eyes, that’s dangerous. They might be right. It can be dangerous, and you’ve seen what happens when you leap without looking and you’re wrong.”

A flash of shame welled up in Jim’s chest, but he pushed it back down. Now wasn’t the time for it.

Pike continued. “The thing is... you’re getting the experience you need to start being right more often. That’s what training is about. And you’ve got the guts to back it up. Let me ask you something. What do you think was going through my head when they described what you did?”

Jim frowned. “I... what do you mean?”

“When they told me that you willingly walked out into the middle of an urban battlefield, unarmed and without so much as a helmet for protection... what do you think was going through my head?”

Jim felt his eyebrows creep upwards. Sure, Bones had described that scenario to him objectively, but that was Bones. The guy could describe a walk around the block and give it enough colorful embellishment to decorate a Christmas tree. Hearing it from Pike, in plain language, made it so much more real. Fuck, he really did that, didn’t he? “I have no idea.”

At that, Pike actually gave a dry chuckle. “That’s funny... neither did I. It took me the better part of the past few weeks to figure it out, too.”

“Well, sir... what’s your conclusion?”

Pike smiled. “That I hope I can find enough people with guts like that to fill my crew roster when I get my ship. And, more importantly, that I was right about you. Even though you’ve fucked up - and trust me, we all have - you’ve shown me over and over again that you’ll do whatever it takes to succeed. You won’t give up, and you’ll find resources you didn’t know you had, even if all you have is yourself.”

“I just did what I had to do,” Jim answered automatically.

“Exactly,” Pike replied. “That’s all we can ever do. Some people run away from it, and some people program a collision course and set thrusters on full.”

Jim’s breath caught.

Pike nodded. “You’ve been slowly becoming that man over the past two years, and now, I know you can get there. I absolutely believe that.”

For a long moment, Jim stared back at Captain Pike before he had to look away. The man was his academic advisor, but in little, insidious ways, their relationship had evolved. It felt like something more now, and the need for Pike’s approval had slowly grown over time. He’d never cared about what any authority figures thought of him before, so wasn’t sure how to process it. Briefly, Jim wondered if this was a hint of what it was like to have a father, but he dismissed that idea. That’s not what he was looking for anyway.

Or maybe, like Bones, he didn’t need to define it. Perhaps, for once, he should just accept it for what it was, and be grateful.

With a smile that didn’t feel fake, Jim met Pike’s gaze. “Thank you, sir.”

“That’s better.” Pike leaned back and took a sip of coffee. “Now... what else is on your mind?”

Jim took a sip of his own coffee, then leaned on the table, and spoke. This time, words came more easily.

*********

Leonard’s boots knocked softly on the wooden planks of the old pier as he walked out over the water. One lone figure was waiting for him. He hadn’t called ahead, hadn’t checked to see if Jim would be there. He just knew where to find the kid.

Without a word, he removed his boots and socks, rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and sat down on the edge of the pier, dangling his feet over the side. The fine spray of salt water was cold against his bare feet. The sensation sent a shiver up his spine, and let his feet swing above the waves.

He leaned back, propping himself on hands splayed against the weather-worn wood of the old pier. The endless sound of the sea blended and churned with the sharper noises of the city behind him, weaving the familiar symphony of San Francisco Bay. It was a remarkably clear night, with no fog and no clouds. The specter of the Golden Gate Bridge loomed in the night, bright against the darkness of the sky.

Even though the Bridge had only been there for a short span of human history, it sometimes felt as though had always been there, and always would be.

Some things never change.

He looked sideways at Jim’s profile. The details were obscured by the shadows, but his eyes were bright as he stared at the Bridge.

And even when things do change, they’re still the same.

“Knew you’d come.” Jim’s voice was so soft that it was hard to hear over the wind and waves.

“Yeah.” Then Leonard frowned. “How long have you been sitting here?”

Jim shrugged. Then he turned to Leonard with an honest smile. “How was your day with Joanna?”

Warmth flooded Leonard along with the fresh memories. “It was great. I mean... she’s still a bit shy around me. We’ve talked by vidcom plenty, but this is different. But... my God, Jim, she’s grown up so much. She’s so smart, and she’s got my eyes and mouth and nose. She’s already a curious little scientist, and she asks questions about everything.” He stopped himself, then took a deep breath. “Sorry, I’m rambling.”

But Jim was still smiling at him. “Why sorry? You had a great time with your daughter, and I’m happy for you. So how long is she going to be in town?”

“Four days. They have to leave on Sunday morning because Joanna starts school on Monday.”

Jim nodded. “How old is she again?”

“Just turned four a couple of weeks ago. It’s incredible, Jim. I still can’t...” A splash of water against his feet sent another shiver through him. He shook his head. “I’ve missed so much. I’ve made her miss so much because I was a stubborn bastard who couldn’t get over my own pride. How the hell do I make up for that in a few weekends and vacation weeks each year?”

“Bones.”

“She deserved better. Everyone has deserved better from me, and I -”

Jim put his hand firmly on Leonard’s shoulder. “Bones.”

Leonard blinked, and refocused on Jim’s shadowy features. “Yeah?”

“Let it go.”

“But -”

“Let it go.” His voice was so steady, so sincere, that Leonard found himself breathless for a moment. “You can’t change the past. You can only tackle the present and plan for the future.”

“Okay.” He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax a bit as he looked at the lights across the bay. He still had a world and a half of doubts and self-blame churning in his mind, but for now, he could put them aside. Jim was right - he couldn’t change the past.

After a moment, he ventured a question. “So... what did Pike have to say to you?”

Jim snorted. “Something about oxymorons and the impossibility of telling me to trust my instincts while also keeping my mouth shut and being a good little cadet.”

“Jim...”

But Jim held up a hand, stopping him gently. “What Pike actually told me... was that it had been too long since he’d been out in the black. That you’d reminded him, in your own unique way, why he’d recruited me. And if that’s what he really believes - that Starfleet needs people who do things differently, who think outside the box - then he’s got to put his credits where his mouth is.”

“Well, that’s for damned sure,” Leonard grumbled. “Did he apologize?”

“He did.” There was silence for another moment. “He let me talk a lot, too. He let me tell him about what had happened. Apparently, he’s been through some shit himself, so he understands. I should have known that.”

“Really now? What kind of shit?”

“Stuff that reminds us that it’s always risky out there,” Jim said in an unreadable tone. “That people are going to die. That there will be more close calls. And that it’s always different.”

A hint of memory from Leonard’s heated, drugged tirade at Captain Pike came back to haunt him. “You’re different.”

Jim gave him a curious look. “Pike said that, too.” Then he turned his gaze back out over the water. “He told me that my instincts are good. And that maybe I am becoming the man he thought I could be. Hell, right before he dropped me off at my dorm, he told me that he thinks I’m that kind of man now... someone he could trust in a crisis... as long as I keep myself out of trouble.”

“You? Stay out of trouble? I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Jim chuckled dryly. “And then he said that I might be that sort of man even if I don’t keep myself out of trouble.”

Leonard found himself chuckling, too. “Now that sounds more like it.”

“I don’t know if he’s right.” Jim’s voice was so quiet, Leonard wasn’t quite sure if he’d heard correctly.

“What’s that, kid?”

“I said...” Jim swallowed thickly, and Leonard could see the silhouette of his Adam’s apple bob. “I’m not sure if Pike is right about that. He did a good job of building me up, but I know how much went wrong on Araxis. I know how much I fucked up. We almost didn’t make it, Bones. I almost let you die down there. And I couldn’t save Finney.”

“Well, I’m still alive, and I couldn’t save Hererra,” Leonard shot back. “There are lots of patients I couldn’t save over the years, too. You can’t let that break you, kid.”

“I should have done something different. I should have been able to save him. If I’d done things differently, maybe we could have done something to stop the fighting before it started.”

“Jim, you can’t fix everything and you’re not going to be able to save everyone. Someday, there will be a crisis that makes Araxis look like a schoolyard scuffle, and knowing you, you’ll be right in the middle of it. But no matter how bad it gets, you’ll keep going, because you know that nothing is a lost cause. That’s why I trust you, kid. That’s why I know you’ll make it.”

For a long moment, they were quiet. The rhythm of the waves beat out a haphazard pattern against the pilings. Salt spray tickled bare feet, and the evening wind brought a fine mist across Leonard’s face. It felt good. It made him finally feel as though he was actually light years away from the dust and grit and heat of battle in the heart of Axanar City.

At the same time, it was still so close, and so real.

“You’re someone I can trust in a crisis,” Jim said suddenly. His voice was tight and uneasy.

Leonard frowned. “Thanks, kid, but... I know that tone from you. What’s going on?”

Jim took a deep breath. “I know that what happened freaked you out. You said you were okay afterwards, but I know that you never wanted to deal with stuff like that. It’s not you. And now that you’ve got your daughter back in your life... Bones, with your record, you could get just about any assignment you want when you graduate. You could stay dirtside. I wanted you to know that I’d understand if you decided to.”

Leonard felt his mouth drop open. “Jim, I’ve done all this extra work to get a shipboard assignment. Why the hell do you think I’d change my plans now?”

“All those reasons I just listed. I figured that would be obvious,” he said dryly.

“It’s not like I... wait, let me ask you a question. Where are you going to try to get assigned?”

Jim glanced sideways at him, then looked back out over the water. “Pike told me that he wants people like me aboard his ship when he gets it next year. He’s getting the Enterprise. That’s the new flagship, Bones. And... I’m going to request it. I think I could get it.”

Leonard found himself nodding slowly. “Couldn’t imagine you anywhere less than the flagship, kid. And since you seem to think I could get just about any assignment I want, I guess I’ll request the Enterprise, too.”

This time, Jim turned his body slightly so that he could look at Leonard directly. “Bones? Are you sure? I mean... are you sure you’d be okay with that? The flagship goes on some pretty prestigious missions, but it’s far from a safe assignment. Your daughter... your life back here... are you sure?”

Leonard looked at Jim’s expression, trying to pick apart the emotions he saw there. Disbelief was somewhere in the mix, but more than that, he saw gratitude, hope, and something else that he couldn’t pin down, but it made him absolutely certain. “Yeah, kid. I’m sure.”

To his surprise, Leonard really was sure. The danger out there still terrified him on some level, but after what he’d been through, the fear no longer controlled him. He owned it. Oddly, some part of him craved it. The idea of returning to a normal, mundane life didn’t suit him anymore, and he knew that when the time came to venture into the black on his first real assignment, he’d be ready. He hadn’t felt ready this time, but he’d accomplished so much. And hell, somewhere, in the middle of the whole interplanetary debacle, he’d even managed to finish his research project.

The excitement he was starting to feel at the idea of adventure and exploration and... and yes, even danger... was addictive. That sensation of wide-eyed enthusiasm was welling up inside him again. Never mind the start of medical school - he hadn’t felt like this since he’d been a child. There was so much he hadn’t seen, and now, he was determined to see it all, even if he needed anti-anxiety medication as a backup plan. He’d do it, though, and if his hunch was right, he’d do it alongside his best friend.

Jim was searching his face for something. Then, he seemed to find it. “Thanks, Bones,” he said, nodding in satisfaction before looking back out across the bay. He was gazing at the Bridge, eyes shining in the oily glare of the city lights.

“It’s like coming home,” Jim mused. “Except I don’t mean here. Not San Francisco or the Academy. I mean... up there. Going into space. The unknown. It’s like coming home. I think... for people like us... the journey is home.”

Leonard raised an eyebrow as he took in his friend’s profile. Jim had certainly done a lot of thinking. He’d grown up a lot. And while Leonard was sure he’d stumble and backslide and mess up all over again, there was no denying that the man who sat next to him today was both the same person and an altogether different man than the guy who had sat next to him on a shuttle two years prior.

Leonard let the memory come back, and he pasted it alongside what he was seeing now.

He’d been drunk, and Jim had a broken nose. They’d been a complete mess, and both so jaded and cynical, far beyond what was justified by their years. He’d felt so old at the time. He’d felt as though his life was over, and Jim had seemed as though life wasn’t all that important to him anymore.

So much had changed.

Leonard shifted slightly and looked back out across the bay, letting the cool breeze and night sky ease his thoughts away. There was a light fog rolling in now, and he watched as the lights of the Starfleet Headquarters were slowly wrapped in the haze.

After a moment, he felt pressure and warmth against his shoulder, and knew that Jim was leaning against him, just enough to feel supportive. It reminded him that he wasn’t alone.

He let his feet swing back and forth over the waves, thinking about his daughter and mint chocolate-chip ice cream and duty assignments and adventures, and yet not thinking about any of them. It was okay. For the moment, he didn’t need to think about any of them. It was freeing.

Then he felt Jim shiver against his arm. He glanced to the side and saw that Jim’s expression was tight, and there was a light sheen of moisture around his eyes.

“Jim?”

Jim didn’t turn to look at him. “Yeah, Bones?”

“You okay? How are you feeling, Jim?”

For a moment, Jim didn’t move or speak. He blinked a couple of times and took a stilted breath. No tears escaped down his cheeks, but his lashes were just a bit wet in the glare of the city lights. Finally, he spoke. “Young. I feel young.”

Leonard looked up at the bright spires of the Golden Gate Bridge against the thin fog and night sky. It left him feeling so small and yet so confident at once. He realized that Jim had pinned down what he’d been feeling himself.

His whole future was ahead of him, and he didn’t need to let his past hold him back anymore. He smiled and leaned back against Jim’s arm.

“Yeah, kid. Me, too.” He smiled. “Me too.”

*********

~FIN~