Fic: "The Needs of the Few" (21/23)
Title: "The Needs of the Few"
Canon characters/Pairing(s): Kirk & McCoy, Pike, Finney
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,000
Warnings: Foul language, political situations, military stuff.
Summary: As cadets on a summer internship, Kirk and McCoy are supposed to keep their eyes open and their mouths shut. As far as Bones is concerned, that’s just plain wrong on Jim Kirk, but Jim seems determined to follow orders and fall in line for a change. After all, they’ve both seen enough trouble in two years at the Academy, and this is the Peace Mission of Axanar. However, when a mystery starts to weave itself around the mission, and the senior officers don’t seem interested in investigating, how far can Kirk and McCoy let it go?
Notes: I am the world's biggest asshole. No, seriously, I am. I was so focused on just getting the damned fic posted that I forgot one of the most important things.
I forgot to thank my betas.
We hereby interrupt this chapter for me to slap myself upside the head and properly thank my betas, without whom, I would have dissolved into a hopeless mess, and this fic would not have been realized. My incredible betas are killpurakat and nightshadow_t2. My test reader, mga1999, has been a wonderful source of support and encouragement. I also had invaluable feedback and input from spacehawk and gone_ashore. And finally, I need to thank my Trophy Wife, fiona_fawkes, who is the Bones to my Jim, and my clingy cephalopod of love.
And now, on with the story...
Previous chapters: One, Two, Three, Four(A), Four(B), Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty
Chapter 21
It only took a moment of disorientation for Jim to figure out where he was as he oozed back to consciousness. The soft sounds of voices mingling with the beeping of medical devices, the slight incline of a biobed beneath him, and the muted but distinct pain in his gut told him that he was in sickbay. A few seconds later, he remembered why he was there. All of it. He held back a groan at the memory as he blinked his eyes and waited for the world to come into focus around him.
“Computer -” His voice came out as a croak. Swallowing tightly and clearing his throat, he tried again. “Computer, what time is it?”
“Ship’s time is 0612 hours.”
Jim felt a flash of irritation. It was early morning, which meant they’d kept him asleep overnight. There was no way in hell he would have slept through everything if it hadn’t been drug-induced, so that meant they had him on sedatives the whole time. However, his irritation quickly morphed into acceptance, and then, to his surprise, a perverse sense of gratitude. Waking up the day after that fiasco, instead of later that evening, seemed less harsh... less immediate. Somehow, it felt like he could breathe again.
For now, sickbay was quiet, the light was subdued, and his biobed was surrounded by dull beige partition panels, giving him privacy. The space around the bed was small, and held only a display panel, some idle pieces of equipment, and a conspicuously empty chair.
He felt a split-second of surprise and an odd sense of emptiness as he realized he was alone, but he swallowed it back. It wasn’t even alpha shift yet, there were probably a ton of other patients, and he had no right to expect anyone to be there. Besides, if the chair was empty, it meant that someone had been able to convince Bones to take care of himself, and maybe the guy had even gotten some sleep in a real bed. It had probably taken a fair bit of cajoling. He imagined what Bones’ face must have looked like when the other doctor had kicked him out of sickbay for the night, and couldn’t quite stifle a small grin. Yeah, maybe it was for the best that Bones wasn’t there.
Still, it felt a bit strange waking up alone, and it surprised him a bit that nobody else was there to hover over him while he woke up. He could hear people shuffling around and talking softly beyond the partitions around his bed. Someone would come in eventually, but for now, he had a moment to breathe, and take stock of himself.
Other than the mild ache in his gut, he actually felt pretty good. There was a small patch of gauze taped to the back of his hand, but he didn’t seem to have anything attached to him. He tugged down the sheets and looked at his abdomen. Where there had been an ugly wound yesterday afternoon, there was a only thin, slightly crooked, light pink line, covered by a shiny layer of dermaseal. It seemed like a laughably small thing after everything that had happened. Nothing more than a scratch after having been so close to the brink. If modern medicine had anything to say about it, even that scar would fade and eventually disappear, leaving a memory without a mark.
“How are you feeling?”
Jim startled hard enough to make his gut twinge, and he quickly pulled the sheets back over his stomach as he looked up to see a doctor that he recognized. “I... I’m fine, uh, Doctor... Brex?”
“Yes,” the man confirmed with a nod as he stepped the rest of the way into the small treatment bay. “You know... your medical record has a notation that you metabolize sedatives quickly, but I didn’t expect you to wake up for at least another twenty minutes.”
Jim blinked, trying to process what the guy was saying, and realizing that he was still a bit hazy and slow on the uptake. “Bones told me I have a crazy metabolism,” he mumbled absently. “How’s Bo- McCoy?”
Brex smiled. “Asleep, I’d wager. I gave him a pretty strong sedative last night when I kicked him out of sickbay.”
Jim nodded, thinking again of the empty chair next to the bed, but how he was glad that Bones had gotten some rest. “Good. He needed that.”
“Yes, he did. He’s scheduled for alpha shift, but with the dose I gave him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he oversleeps.”
“Well, that would be good for him, too,” Jim said flatly. “The guy never gets enough sleep.”
“You know your friend pretty well... even when you should have been focusing on yourself. So that begs the question... what about you?”
The question was so simple, so innocuous, that Jim almost laughed it off, but he caught himself. “What about me?”
Brex didn’t say anything for a moment as he finished his scan and set aside the device before looking directly at Jim. “How are you doing?”
Jim frowned. “Well... my gut doesn’t hurt much anymore, and nothing else is really standing out. I’m a bit achy overall, but I think that’s from when the first explosion tossed me backwards, so... what?”
“I’m glad your body is physically better, but that’s not really what I was asking.”
Jim scrunched his head down. He knew that. He just had no idea how to answer it. Hell, he’d just barely woken up. “I... don’t really know how I’m doing yet. I’m still trying to figure it out.”
“Fair enough. But for now, let’s get you up and walking, check how your body is responding, and get you discharged.”
Jim felt his eyes widen. “You’re letting me out of here already?”
Brex smiled again. “Unless you like being stuck in sickbay.”
Jim shook his head emphatically.
“Good. Here, let me help you sit up.”
A moment later, Jim was on his feet, with Brex at his elbow, walking out into the main area of sickbay. He felt pretty good, and walking didn’t make anything hurt more. Brex led him to a small side room with some light equipment - a physical therapy area - and started directing him through some very gentle movements and stretches.
“It’s fine,” Jim said, pleased with himself as they walked back to his treatment bay. He could tell that there had been an injury, but the ache was mild and easily ignored. “Feels great.”
Brex was reaching into a cabinet, and he pulled out a clean set of Jim’s undergarments and one of his uniforms. Someone must have retrieved them from his quarters. “Good to know. Just remember that you’re still on some fairly good pain medication, so don’t get carried away. I’m discharging you, not putting you back on duty.” As Jim opened his mouth to protest, Brex dropped his clothes into his outstretched hands and cut him off. “You’re off-duty for the next twenty-four hours, and light duty for four days after that. I’m sending you out with some pain pills, and I expect you to take them. Then, be sure to come in daily for follow-ups until you’re cleared for full duty. No argument.”
“But I’m fine.” Hell, he just wanted to get back to duty. He’d even take the pain pills without complaint. If he could just get back to work, he wouldn’t have to over-think. Routine. He just wanted some routine right now, before he started getting caught up in his head.
Brex was giving him a concerned look. “McCoy is right about you.”
Jim glared, then huffed. “He usually is.” He put his clothes on the biobed and shook out the pants before pulling them on.
“Your injury is healing well, and you’ll be physically fine with proper rest... but any normal sentient being needs time to process something like this.”
“Who said I was normal?” Jim muttered to himself.
Brex sighed. “I’m not even going to justify that with an explanation. So now that you’re more awake, tell me how you’re really doing.”
Jim gritted his teeth. No use lying to a telepath. “I feel like I should be happy right now. I mean... everything worked out. We should be congratulating ourselves on a successful mission. We stopped the bomb. We solved the mystery in time. We won. The Araxians won. We got out alive...” His voice trailed off, and he felt his throat tighten around the next few words before he managed to choke them out.
“But...?” Brex prompted him.
“Almost everyone got out alive.”
“Your lieutenant.”
Jim nodded, suddenly fixated on the one thing that had gone so wrong... so horribly, irreversibly wrong. His undershirt was blurry in front of him as he grabbed at it and pulled it roughly over his head.
“It’s backwards,” Brex said softly.
Jim ignored the hot flush in his cheeks as he pulled the shirt off, turned it around, and saw that he had indeed put it on backwards. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I understand.” There was no pressure in Brex’s voice.
Jim blinked a few times, then took his time pulling on his uniform shirt, double checking to make sure it was facing forward. Then... there was nothing else to do, and Jim realized he was staring blankly at the empty surface of the biobed in front of him. “Did they get Lieutenant Finney’s body back from the surface?”
If Brex was surprised by the question, he didn’t show it. “We did. His body is in the mortuary.”
Jim swallowed, feeling nauseous and cold. He didn’t really know why he was saying this, but the words tumbled out anyway. “I want to see him.”
Brex looked at him, not in surprise or dismay, but in sadness. “I can’t let you do that. We still need to do a post-mortem, and either way, that’s not what you need to see right now.”
A flash of indignation lit through him. How the hell did this doctor know what was best for him? Telepath or not, Brex didn’t know him. But before Jim could let his indignation lead to heated words he’d regret later, Brex continued. “But I’ve got something else for you. I’m sure McCoy will be getting down here soon, so if you stick around, it might be the best way to catch him. And in the meantime... there’s someone else in sickbay who you might want to see.”
Jim felt his heart thud unevenly for a moment. “Who?”
He smiled. “Follow me.”
Jim trailed Doctor Brex across sickbay, holding his confusion in silence until he was waved into one of the treatment areas. His eyes went wide at the sight of a familiar face, dark skin contrasting white sheets in stark relief. “Johan?”
The man on the biobed stirred slightly. His eyes were still closed, but his hands weren’t completely slack as they would be in sleep.
“He’ll be waking up soon, and I’m sure he’d appreciate some company,” Brex said softly from behind him.
Jim nodded blankly. Of course he wanted to stick around. Yesterday, he hadn’t even heard whether Johan had survived or not. There hadn’t been time in the chaos. And today... well, Jim hated himself a little bit for not thinking to ask sooner. But here he was, breathing and moving and living. “You saved him,” Jim finally breathed.
“I was going to say the same thing to you,” Brex said mildly.
Jim startled and looked back at Brex, shaking his head. “What? No, not me. If anything, McCoy did. I couldn’t do anything but watch and -”
“And call for help before it was too late for us to be able to fix the damage.” Brex was giving him an odd look: pride, respect, admiration. It made him uncomfortable. “Maybe you couldn’t control what happened to Finney, but you got everyone else out.”
Jim blinked, not quite able to let himself take in what Brex was telling him. He’d forgotten to ask. “Everyone? Lieutenant Kim? Cadet Liu? They were injured. Badly. Nobody told me - did they -”
“They’re fine,” came the reassuring reply, and Jim let out a tight breath as Brex kept talking. “The Lieutenant is recovering three beds down from here, and Liu was discharged to quarters last night. In fact, I heard a rumor that he said something about you carrying him to safety through a firefight.” There was an unasked question somewhere in there.
Feeling inexplicably like an idiot, Jim shrugged and looked back down at Johan. “I didn’t think about it... I just couldn’t leave him out there.”
A warm hand rested on his shoulder.
“I’ll be just across the room if you need anything.”
Jim nodded silently, still staring at Johan as Brex’s hand fell away from his shoulder and footsteps retreated. He stood still for a long moment, feeling awkward and relieved and unbalanced all at once. Seeing Johan alive was like seem proof that everything was okay. I feel like I should be happy right now, he’d said. It wasn’t happiness, not by a long shot, but it felt like permission to breathe again.
He slid onto the stool next to the biobed and cautiously reached out and touched Johan’s arm. “Hey... Johan? You awake?”
Johan made a low sound in his chest and moved his arm.
“Come on, Plato. We didn’t drag your ass back to the ship so you can ignore me.”
“But if I ignore you,” came the rough reply, “will you go away so I can get some sleep?” Lips split into a tired grin, and Johan’s eyes popped open, looking more alert than they should have been if he’d been out cold only seconds before.
Jim let his mouth fall open. “You jackass! How long have you been awake?”
“Not long.”
“I -” Jim’s breath caught in a flush of warm embarrassment as he realized Johan must have heard him talking with Brex.
Johan grinned up at him. “The doc is right. You got us out alive. I knew you could do it.” Then he frowned. “But it sounded like you didn’t know I was still alive until just now. They must have let us go, so... didn’t you come back to the ship with me?”
Jim shook his head numbly. “They weren’t going to let us go. We knew too much. Doctor McCoy beamed down to treat you on site, but the damage was too bad. He convinced them that you had no chance of spilling the beans in the state you were in, so they let you go back to the ship and kept both of us.”
Johan’s eyes went a bit wider. “No kidding? Then how did you get out?”
Jim opened his mouth to speak, then shook his head. “That’s a story for another day. I promise. I’m just -” His throat tightened a bit. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“You too, Blues. Did they patch you up? I know you had more than a scratch.”
Jim waved it off. “Not much more than a scratch. I’m fine.”
“You’re full of shit... but I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I... I am now,” Jim said, suddenly finding his voice a bit thick. “I thought you were going to die on me.”
Johan actually gave a silent chuckle. “Nah. Had to survive. Someone’s gotta make sure Ensign Goldberg doesn’t fry himself on the power grid before he gets a bit more practical experience.” Then his smile faded. “But I think I’ll skip the landing party next time.”
“You don’t want to go exploring other planets?” Jim said, trying to make light of it.
Johan shook his head. “That’s not why I came out here.”
Jim frowned. “Why else would you join Starfleet? I mean, there are plenty of positions on Earth for someone with your skills.” And then Jim realized the depth of what he was asking, and it hit him like a brick in his stomach. “Johan, why did you join Starfleet?”
Johan closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them slowly. “I hadn’t even planned to. After... after what happened to my father, it just didn’t interest me. So I went to technical school to work on dirtside power grids, and it turns out I was one of the best. I was working on the big power grid expansion project back home in South Africa when I got a communique. Starfleet wanted me for their ships... and by then, I was mature enough to want something bigger. I blew through their tech school and boot camp, and here I am. Still in one piece.” He looked down at his bandaged abdomen, shrugged, and looked back up at Jim with a lopsided grin. “Mostly.”
Jim felt a bittersweet smile tug the corner of his mouth. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better, but I can’t complain.” Then he tilted his head and his expression changed. “You got everyone out.”
“You already said that,” Jim said, but the words washed over him like a balm, and he closed his eyes in relief. “I was so worried. I knew I’d made the wrong call at first, but I didn’t do anything about it until it was too late. You were right - I was in charge, and I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Finney, but we got out, and -”
“No, Blues, you’re not listening to me.” Johan’s deep voice undercut his own, and Jim opened his eyes to see Johan looking at him very intently. “You. Got. Everyone. Out. You stayed behind, and made sure we all got out alive, and then... you got out, too. Nobody went down with this ship, Kirk. You did it.”
The air was suddenly too thick to breathe, and Jim gasped as the implication landed on him with crushing weight.
It wasn’t the same as what his father had done - in no way could Jim ever think it was the same - but it fit. Hot and burning and bitter all at once, and yet he almost thought he could feel something letting go... something he’d clung to for far too long. He’d succeeded where he’d thought his father had failed.
“Blues? You okay?”
Jim swallowed past the lump in his throat and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah I am. I really think I am.”
*********
Johan fell asleep after about a half hour, but Jim stayed, sitting next to him in silent company until a nurse came in to run some scans and check Johan’s meds. Jim quietly slipped back out into the main part of sickbay. A quick check of the chrono told him that it was 0847 - well into alpha shift. Bones should already be there, but Jim had figured the first thing Bones would do on arrival would be to track him down. That hadn’t happened.
“Cadet Kirk?”
He turned to see a doctor he didn’t recognize approaching him. She had long, dark hair which was worked up into an elaborate twist on her head, and was carrying a tricorder in one hand and a PADD under the other arm.
“Doctor...?”
“Singh. My records said you were discharged, but Doctor Brex said you were still here, talking to Crewman Johan. How are you feeling? Are you having any problems?” She was already activating the tricorder.
Jim waved her off. “I’m fine. And I was also waiting around to see Doctor McCoy.”
She nodded in easy acceptance. “Ah. I understand. Actually, he isn’t here yet.”
Jim frowned. “I thought he was due on alpha shift.”
Singh actually gave him a slightly devious grin. “He was, but I’ll wager that the sedative Doctor Brex gave him still has him out cold.”
“Yeah, he mentioned.” Jim gave a small smile that didn’t feel too fake. “I’ve seen McCoy take sedatives to help him sleep after rough duty shifts or mid-term exams and finals. The guy sleeps like the dead for hours. Will he be in trouble?”
Singh shook her head. “Of course not. We would have given him the day off if we weren’t so short-handed in here. But right now, we’ve got it under control, and it’s not a problem.”
Jim looked around. It was busier around sickbay now that alpha shift had begun. One nurse was taking a patient to a treatment room on a stretcher, and another was helping a patient to walk on what must be a recently repaired leg. Things were getting back to normal. “So... should I wait for him here? Or... I could go to his quarters and pull him out of bed, if you think that would be a good idea.” And really, that’s what Jim wanted to do. He could go and wake Bones up and talk to the guy before he even got down to sickbay for his shift.
“You don’t need to wake him up, Cadet,” Singh said, shaking her head. “I’m sure he’ll be down here soon. It’s up to you, of course, but if you want to wait here, you can.”
“I...” On one hand, he didn’t want to wake Bones if the guy was actually sleeping, but he didn’t want to wait either. Waiting meant rehashing everything he’d just talked about with Johan. Waiting meant thinking about Finney and the failure that even his success couldn’t cover. But waiting also meant giving Bones time to rest, and he didn’t want to be greedy.
“Cadet?”
“I’ll wait.”
Doctor Singh nodded gently. “You know... I heard about some of the things you did on the surface. I heard that you stayed to make sure they didn’t detonate the bomb... that you took care of other people. I admire and respect that.”
Jim shrugged awkwardly, feeling his face burn red. “I only did what seemed right at the time. I wasn’t trying to do it for any sort of recognition.”
She smiled. “I know. That’s why I respect it.”
She waved him to a chair next to the nurse’s station, and Jim sat down, feeling really awkward hanging around in sickbay when he’d been a patient just a couple of hours ago. He tried not to think too much.
Maybe he could go down to Bones’ quarters and just wake the guy up. Bones had given him the passcode, after all. And if he knew Bones, which he absolutely did, then the guy would probably appreciate the wake-up if he’d overslept into his shift.
He was about to stand up and excuse himself when the comm sounded. “Commander Shao to Cadet Kirk.”
Jim startled at the sound of his name. He looked up and saw one of the nurses - a red-headed woman he thought he recognized. “Uh... should I respond?”
She actually rolled her eyes at him, and for a moment, it reminded him of Bones. “If a commander comms a cadet, what do you think?” She laughed lightly at him as his jaw went slack. “Go ahead and take the call at the nurses’ station.”
Jim nodded dumbly, stood, and tapped the comm panel above the nurses’ computer. “Kirk here, sir.”
“Kirk, we were notified that you were discharged from sickbay. I understand that you’re off-duty for twenty-four hours, but Captain Porter wants you to report for a debriefing if you’re capable. Are you feeling up to it?” She sounded thoroughly apologetic.
Jim raised both eyebrows in surprise. “The captain?”
“Yes, cadet. He wants to talk to you as soon as possible, before the negotiations reconvene on the surface.”
“The negotiations are continuing?” Jim blurted out in disbelief. “I figured Starfleet would suspend everything... call off the talks and tell the Axanar where they can... uh... stick it. Uh... sir.” He cringed at his own slip of words.
If Shao was angry at his breach of protocol, she said nothing. “Do you feel that you’re physically able to attend a debriefing?”
“I feel fine, sir.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Please report to Conference Room One promptly.”
“Aye, sir.”
“Shao out.”
Jim took a step back from the nurse’s station and shook his head. So much for going to wake up Bones.
“Are you sure you’re capable of attending a debriefing, Cadet?”
Jim turned to see Doctor Singh giving him a concerned look.
“Yeah... I mean, yes, sir. I’m fine.”
“You just look a bit pale.”
Jim shrugged. “I’m tired. I just... didn’t want to have to think about stuff. I just...” He shook his head. “I can’t believe they’re continuing the talks after everything that happened.”
“You’d be amazed at some of the things people work through out here. There’s always something... a battle, a political crisis, a natural disaster... but life continues on. It has to. Besides, I heard that the Araxians have petitioned for entry into the Federation... independently.”
“That’s... really good news,” Jim said, not holding back his surprise.
“I think it is,” she said with a smile. “A planet with a culture based on free will, academic dedication, and social equality? The Federation will likely welcome them with open arms. I might even move here when I retire.”
Jim let himself smile at the thought of this civilization joining the Federation. “Bones -- uh, McCoy likes them, too.” He let his shoulders relax. “So maybe the captain wants to know what I saw down there before they start the talks?”
“I have no idea what the captain wants to talk to you about, but if I were you, I wouldn’t keep him waiting.”
That was fair enough. Jim nodded, then tugged the hem of his uniform shirt to straighten it out. “Okay.”
*********
Jim arrived at Conference Room One with no idea what to expect. The door slid open, and Jim wasn’t surprised to see Captain Porter sitting next to Commander Shao, but it was the holovid screen that grabbed his attention.
“Captain Pike?”
Pike’s expression was exhausted and grim. “Good morning, Kirk,” came the tired reply, and Jim wondered if he’d gotten any sleep last night. “Don’t you think you ought to try greeting the actual ship’s captain first? You know... the guy sitting right in front of you who asked you to report?”
“I... uh...” Already off-balance, Jim turned slightly and snapped a salute as best he could. “Cadet Kirk reporting as ordered, captain.”
There might have been a hint of a smile as Porter returned the salute and gestured towards the chair across the conference table. “Have a seat, cadet.” He waited a moment for Jim to sit, and continued. “How are you feeling? I was told that you acquired a nasty injury yourself that you didn’t bother to report.”
Jim shrugged uneasily. “It’s fine, sir. They’ve fixed me up, good as new. And it wasn’t as important as getting help for Johan.” He flicked a glance sideways at the viewscreen, making brief eye contact with Pike. “Besides, I was still trying to figure out the situation, and I didn’t want to look weak.”
Pike raised an eyebrow, but Porter merely nodded. “Fair enough. And good tactics for a situation like that. I’m glad to see you on the mend. But now... it’s early, and I know you’re tired, but we should get to the reason I called this debriefing as soon as possible.”
There was an odd tone in Porter’s voice, and Jim frowned. Looking more closely, it was obvious that the captain was exhausted, and Jim realized that the man had probably barely slept. Of course he hadn’t slept - he was the captain of a starship in the middle of a crisis. In fact, if he needed to be down at the continuing negotiations later in the morning, he’d probably called the debriefing before his shift because it was the only chance he’d get. “Absolutely, sir.”
Shao cleared her throat. “Cadet Kirk, first and foremost, I want to tell you that we consider your performance to be beyond reproach in this situation. In fact, we apologize for the circumstances that led to your concerns being ignored until it was almost too late. Still, we need to address the events down on the planet that led to your team being stranded, including the death of Lieutenant Finney.”
In an instant, the blood was rushing loudly in Jim’s ears, and his heart felt too heavy in his chest. This was inevitable. This discussion needed to happen. He had to make the report. He wasn’t ready for it, but the universe doesn’t wait for you to be ready before it drops a bomb on you. It merely grinds on, and all you can do is to react. So that’s what Jim would do.
But in his mind, all he could see was Finney’s blood all over the floor, feel the lifeless body underneath desperate hands, and hear those last orders ringing in his ears. He swallowed thickly, and blinked until he could focus on the room again. Then, feeling much older than he was, he leaned on the table and said, “Where do I begin?”
*********
It had been the last thing Jim had wanted to discuss. Sure, the Captain had also asked him about his tactical decisions, his observations of the Araxian people, and the things he’d noticed leading up to the battle, but they seemed to already know most of what he was telling them. He got the impression that they were simply asking him questions to confirm things they’d already learned. Mostly, the discussion had focused on Finney.
They had wanted to know what had happened, blow-by-blow, from the moment the power sub-station had detonated. Jim had recalled the events as best he could, but mostly, he saw Finney’s lifeless body on the floor of the storage building. He saw the blood on his hands. He heard the damning, awful words that had spilled from his mouth in front of Captain Porter, telling them all that the last thing Finney had done in his life was a massive mistake.
He’d told the bitter truth that Lieutenant Finney, the man who had died trying to protect them all, had seriously fucked up.
That wasn’t how he’d wanted to remember a friend and mentor. That wasn’t what he’d wanted to leave behind for Finney’s wife and young daughter. They’d get a copy of the report, and they’d see his name next to those horrible words. He could have lied... but he hadn’t.
And then, there had been Pike. He’d kept waiting for Pike to say something, but his advisor had barely said a word. There had been something in the man’s steady-but-exhausted gaze that Jim couldn’t quite decipher -- something that was passive and yet judgemental and apologetic and completely unbalanced.
He’d wanted Pike to just say something. He didn’t know what, but Pike had always been the one who had put everything right in the past. Instead, this time, Pike had been on the sidelines, and his advice had been wrong. In the end, the only thing he’d said before he’d had to excuse himself and close the comm-link had been an enigmatic, “You did the best you could with a bad situation, and I’m sorry I couldn’t give you better advice. And... tell McCoy that he was right. And that I’m not going to write him up this time, but he’d better lock out his comm next time he’s on sedatives before he runs his mouth in front of the wrong officer.”
Jim had no idea what to make of that.
He also had no idea what to do next.
He stood outside the door to Conference Room One and stared at the people walking by. They were giving him odd looks. And why shouldn’t they? He was pretty sure he looked completely out of place - a cadet, standing in the hallway on Deck One, no going anywhere, looking lost? Yeah, he needed to get going... but where?
Bones would definitely be down in sickbay by now, but Jim didn’t want to go down there. There would be people there... people he couldn’t face right now. He didn’t want to go back to his quarters, either. Liu would probably be in there, if not most of his squad. Shao had told him that the whole squad of cadets had been taken off-duty for the next twenty-four hours anyway. She’d suggested that he spend time with them, but he didn’t want to.
He didn’t want to see anyone.
Looking to his left, then his right, Jim’s gaze finally settled on the turbolift doors in front of him. Not really sure where exactly he was going, he stepped into the turbolift. “Deck twelve.”
*********
To Chapter 22
Canon characters/Pairing(s): Kirk & McCoy, Pike, Finney
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,000
Warnings: Foul language, political situations, military stuff.
Summary: As cadets on a summer internship, Kirk and McCoy are supposed to keep their eyes open and their mouths shut. As far as Bones is concerned, that’s just plain wrong on Jim Kirk, but Jim seems determined to follow orders and fall in line for a change. After all, they’ve both seen enough trouble in two years at the Academy, and this is the Peace Mission of Axanar. However, when a mystery starts to weave itself around the mission, and the senior officers don’t seem interested in investigating, how far can Kirk and McCoy let it go?
Notes: I am the world's biggest asshole. No, seriously, I am. I was so focused on just getting the damned fic posted that I forgot one of the most important things.
I forgot to thank my betas.
We hereby interrupt this chapter for me to slap myself upside the head and properly thank my betas, without whom, I would have dissolved into a hopeless mess, and this fic would not have been realized. My incredible betas are killpurakat and nightshadow_t2. My test reader, mga1999, has been a wonderful source of support and encouragement. I also had invaluable feedback and input from spacehawk and gone_ashore. And finally, I need to thank my Trophy Wife, fiona_fawkes, who is the Bones to my Jim, and my clingy cephalopod of love.
And now, on with the story...
Previous chapters: One, Two, Three, Four(A), Four(B), Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty
Chapter 21
It only took a moment of disorientation for Jim to figure out where he was as he oozed back to consciousness. The soft sounds of voices mingling with the beeping of medical devices, the slight incline of a biobed beneath him, and the muted but distinct pain in his gut told him that he was in sickbay. A few seconds later, he remembered why he was there. All of it. He held back a groan at the memory as he blinked his eyes and waited for the world to come into focus around him.
“Computer -” His voice came out as a croak. Swallowing tightly and clearing his throat, he tried again. “Computer, what time is it?”
“Ship’s time is 0612 hours.”
Jim felt a flash of irritation. It was early morning, which meant they’d kept him asleep overnight. There was no way in hell he would have slept through everything if it hadn’t been drug-induced, so that meant they had him on sedatives the whole time. However, his irritation quickly morphed into acceptance, and then, to his surprise, a perverse sense of gratitude. Waking up the day after that fiasco, instead of later that evening, seemed less harsh... less immediate. Somehow, it felt like he could breathe again.
For now, sickbay was quiet, the light was subdued, and his biobed was surrounded by dull beige partition panels, giving him privacy. The space around the bed was small, and held only a display panel, some idle pieces of equipment, and a conspicuously empty chair.
He felt a split-second of surprise and an odd sense of emptiness as he realized he was alone, but he swallowed it back. It wasn’t even alpha shift yet, there were probably a ton of other patients, and he had no right to expect anyone to be there. Besides, if the chair was empty, it meant that someone had been able to convince Bones to take care of himself, and maybe the guy had even gotten some sleep in a real bed. It had probably taken a fair bit of cajoling. He imagined what Bones’ face must have looked like when the other doctor had kicked him out of sickbay for the night, and couldn’t quite stifle a small grin. Yeah, maybe it was for the best that Bones wasn’t there.
Still, it felt a bit strange waking up alone, and it surprised him a bit that nobody else was there to hover over him while he woke up. He could hear people shuffling around and talking softly beyond the partitions around his bed. Someone would come in eventually, but for now, he had a moment to breathe, and take stock of himself.
Other than the mild ache in his gut, he actually felt pretty good. There was a small patch of gauze taped to the back of his hand, but he didn’t seem to have anything attached to him. He tugged down the sheets and looked at his abdomen. Where there had been an ugly wound yesterday afternoon, there was a only thin, slightly crooked, light pink line, covered by a shiny layer of dermaseal. It seemed like a laughably small thing after everything that had happened. Nothing more than a scratch after having been so close to the brink. If modern medicine had anything to say about it, even that scar would fade and eventually disappear, leaving a memory without a mark.
“How are you feeling?”
Jim startled hard enough to make his gut twinge, and he quickly pulled the sheets back over his stomach as he looked up to see a doctor that he recognized. “I... I’m fine, uh, Doctor... Brex?”
“Yes,” the man confirmed with a nod as he stepped the rest of the way into the small treatment bay. “You know... your medical record has a notation that you metabolize sedatives quickly, but I didn’t expect you to wake up for at least another twenty minutes.”
Jim blinked, trying to process what the guy was saying, and realizing that he was still a bit hazy and slow on the uptake. “Bones told me I have a crazy metabolism,” he mumbled absently. “How’s Bo- McCoy?”
Brex smiled. “Asleep, I’d wager. I gave him a pretty strong sedative last night when I kicked him out of sickbay.”
Jim nodded, thinking again of the empty chair next to the bed, but how he was glad that Bones had gotten some rest. “Good. He needed that.”
“Yes, he did. He’s scheduled for alpha shift, but with the dose I gave him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he oversleeps.”
“Well, that would be good for him, too,” Jim said flatly. “The guy never gets enough sleep.”
“You know your friend pretty well... even when you should have been focusing on yourself. So that begs the question... what about you?”
The question was so simple, so innocuous, that Jim almost laughed it off, but he caught himself. “What about me?”
Brex didn’t say anything for a moment as he finished his scan and set aside the device before looking directly at Jim. “How are you doing?”
Jim frowned. “Well... my gut doesn’t hurt much anymore, and nothing else is really standing out. I’m a bit achy overall, but I think that’s from when the first explosion tossed me backwards, so... what?”
“I’m glad your body is physically better, but that’s not really what I was asking.”
Jim scrunched his head down. He knew that. He just had no idea how to answer it. Hell, he’d just barely woken up. “I... don’t really know how I’m doing yet. I’m still trying to figure it out.”
“Fair enough. But for now, let’s get you up and walking, check how your body is responding, and get you discharged.”
Jim felt his eyes widen. “You’re letting me out of here already?”
Brex smiled again. “Unless you like being stuck in sickbay.”
Jim shook his head emphatically.
“Good. Here, let me help you sit up.”
A moment later, Jim was on his feet, with Brex at his elbow, walking out into the main area of sickbay. He felt pretty good, and walking didn’t make anything hurt more. Brex led him to a small side room with some light equipment - a physical therapy area - and started directing him through some very gentle movements and stretches.
“It’s fine,” Jim said, pleased with himself as they walked back to his treatment bay. He could tell that there had been an injury, but the ache was mild and easily ignored. “Feels great.”
Brex was reaching into a cabinet, and he pulled out a clean set of Jim’s undergarments and one of his uniforms. Someone must have retrieved them from his quarters. “Good to know. Just remember that you’re still on some fairly good pain medication, so don’t get carried away. I’m discharging you, not putting you back on duty.” As Jim opened his mouth to protest, Brex dropped his clothes into his outstretched hands and cut him off. “You’re off-duty for the next twenty-four hours, and light duty for four days after that. I’m sending you out with some pain pills, and I expect you to take them. Then, be sure to come in daily for follow-ups until you’re cleared for full duty. No argument.”
“But I’m fine.” Hell, he just wanted to get back to duty. He’d even take the pain pills without complaint. If he could just get back to work, he wouldn’t have to over-think. Routine. He just wanted some routine right now, before he started getting caught up in his head.
Brex was giving him a concerned look. “McCoy is right about you.”
Jim glared, then huffed. “He usually is.” He put his clothes on the biobed and shook out the pants before pulling them on.
“Your injury is healing well, and you’ll be physically fine with proper rest... but any normal sentient being needs time to process something like this.”
“Who said I was normal?” Jim muttered to himself.
Brex sighed. “I’m not even going to justify that with an explanation. So now that you’re more awake, tell me how you’re really doing.”
Jim gritted his teeth. No use lying to a telepath. “I feel like I should be happy right now. I mean... everything worked out. We should be congratulating ourselves on a successful mission. We stopped the bomb. We solved the mystery in time. We won. The Araxians won. We got out alive...” His voice trailed off, and he felt his throat tighten around the next few words before he managed to choke them out.
“But...?” Brex prompted him.
“Almost everyone got out alive.”
“Your lieutenant.”
Jim nodded, suddenly fixated on the one thing that had gone so wrong... so horribly, irreversibly wrong. His undershirt was blurry in front of him as he grabbed at it and pulled it roughly over his head.
“It’s backwards,” Brex said softly.
Jim ignored the hot flush in his cheeks as he pulled the shirt off, turned it around, and saw that he had indeed put it on backwards. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I understand.” There was no pressure in Brex’s voice.
Jim blinked a few times, then took his time pulling on his uniform shirt, double checking to make sure it was facing forward. Then... there was nothing else to do, and Jim realized he was staring blankly at the empty surface of the biobed in front of him. “Did they get Lieutenant Finney’s body back from the surface?”
If Brex was surprised by the question, he didn’t show it. “We did. His body is in the mortuary.”
Jim swallowed, feeling nauseous and cold. He didn’t really know why he was saying this, but the words tumbled out anyway. “I want to see him.”
Brex looked at him, not in surprise or dismay, but in sadness. “I can’t let you do that. We still need to do a post-mortem, and either way, that’s not what you need to see right now.”
A flash of indignation lit through him. How the hell did this doctor know what was best for him? Telepath or not, Brex didn’t know him. But before Jim could let his indignation lead to heated words he’d regret later, Brex continued. “But I’ve got something else for you. I’m sure McCoy will be getting down here soon, so if you stick around, it might be the best way to catch him. And in the meantime... there’s someone else in sickbay who you might want to see.”
Jim felt his heart thud unevenly for a moment. “Who?”
He smiled. “Follow me.”
Jim trailed Doctor Brex across sickbay, holding his confusion in silence until he was waved into one of the treatment areas. His eyes went wide at the sight of a familiar face, dark skin contrasting white sheets in stark relief. “Johan?”
The man on the biobed stirred slightly. His eyes were still closed, but his hands weren’t completely slack as they would be in sleep.
“He’ll be waking up soon, and I’m sure he’d appreciate some company,” Brex said softly from behind him.
Jim nodded blankly. Of course he wanted to stick around. Yesterday, he hadn’t even heard whether Johan had survived or not. There hadn’t been time in the chaos. And today... well, Jim hated himself a little bit for not thinking to ask sooner. But here he was, breathing and moving and living. “You saved him,” Jim finally breathed.
“I was going to say the same thing to you,” Brex said mildly.
Jim startled and looked back at Brex, shaking his head. “What? No, not me. If anything, McCoy did. I couldn’t do anything but watch and -”
“And call for help before it was too late for us to be able to fix the damage.” Brex was giving him an odd look: pride, respect, admiration. It made him uncomfortable. “Maybe you couldn’t control what happened to Finney, but you got everyone else out.”
Jim blinked, not quite able to let himself take in what Brex was telling him. He’d forgotten to ask. “Everyone? Lieutenant Kim? Cadet Liu? They were injured. Badly. Nobody told me - did they -”
“They’re fine,” came the reassuring reply, and Jim let out a tight breath as Brex kept talking. “The Lieutenant is recovering three beds down from here, and Liu was discharged to quarters last night. In fact, I heard a rumor that he said something about you carrying him to safety through a firefight.” There was an unasked question somewhere in there.
Feeling inexplicably like an idiot, Jim shrugged and looked back down at Johan. “I didn’t think about it... I just couldn’t leave him out there.”
A warm hand rested on his shoulder.
“I’ll be just across the room if you need anything.”
Jim nodded silently, still staring at Johan as Brex’s hand fell away from his shoulder and footsteps retreated. He stood still for a long moment, feeling awkward and relieved and unbalanced all at once. Seeing Johan alive was like seem proof that everything was okay. I feel like I should be happy right now, he’d said. It wasn’t happiness, not by a long shot, but it felt like permission to breathe again.
He slid onto the stool next to the biobed and cautiously reached out and touched Johan’s arm. “Hey... Johan? You awake?”
Johan made a low sound in his chest and moved his arm.
“Come on, Plato. We didn’t drag your ass back to the ship so you can ignore me.”
“But if I ignore you,” came the rough reply, “will you go away so I can get some sleep?” Lips split into a tired grin, and Johan’s eyes popped open, looking more alert than they should have been if he’d been out cold only seconds before.
Jim let his mouth fall open. “You jackass! How long have you been awake?”
“Not long.”
“I -” Jim’s breath caught in a flush of warm embarrassment as he realized Johan must have heard him talking with Brex.
Johan grinned up at him. “The doc is right. You got us out alive. I knew you could do it.” Then he frowned. “But it sounded like you didn’t know I was still alive until just now. They must have let us go, so... didn’t you come back to the ship with me?”
Jim shook his head numbly. “They weren’t going to let us go. We knew too much. Doctor McCoy beamed down to treat you on site, but the damage was too bad. He convinced them that you had no chance of spilling the beans in the state you were in, so they let you go back to the ship and kept both of us.”
Johan’s eyes went a bit wider. “No kidding? Then how did you get out?”
Jim opened his mouth to speak, then shook his head. “That’s a story for another day. I promise. I’m just -” His throat tightened a bit. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“You too, Blues. Did they patch you up? I know you had more than a scratch.”
Jim waved it off. “Not much more than a scratch. I’m fine.”
“You’re full of shit... but I’m glad you’re okay.”
“I... I am now,” Jim said, suddenly finding his voice a bit thick. “I thought you were going to die on me.”
Johan actually gave a silent chuckle. “Nah. Had to survive. Someone’s gotta make sure Ensign Goldberg doesn’t fry himself on the power grid before he gets a bit more practical experience.” Then his smile faded. “But I think I’ll skip the landing party next time.”
“You don’t want to go exploring other planets?” Jim said, trying to make light of it.
Johan shook his head. “That’s not why I came out here.”
Jim frowned. “Why else would you join Starfleet? I mean, there are plenty of positions on Earth for someone with your skills.” And then Jim realized the depth of what he was asking, and it hit him like a brick in his stomach. “Johan, why did you join Starfleet?”
Johan closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them slowly. “I hadn’t even planned to. After... after what happened to my father, it just didn’t interest me. So I went to technical school to work on dirtside power grids, and it turns out I was one of the best. I was working on the big power grid expansion project back home in South Africa when I got a communique. Starfleet wanted me for their ships... and by then, I was mature enough to want something bigger. I blew through their tech school and boot camp, and here I am. Still in one piece.” He looked down at his bandaged abdomen, shrugged, and looked back up at Jim with a lopsided grin. “Mostly.”
Jim felt a bittersweet smile tug the corner of his mouth. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better, but I can’t complain.” Then he tilted his head and his expression changed. “You got everyone out.”
“You already said that,” Jim said, but the words washed over him like a balm, and he closed his eyes in relief. “I was so worried. I knew I’d made the wrong call at first, but I didn’t do anything about it until it was too late. You were right - I was in charge, and I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Finney, but we got out, and -”
“No, Blues, you’re not listening to me.” Johan’s deep voice undercut his own, and Jim opened his eyes to see Johan looking at him very intently. “You. Got. Everyone. Out. You stayed behind, and made sure we all got out alive, and then... you got out, too. Nobody went down with this ship, Kirk. You did it.”
The air was suddenly too thick to breathe, and Jim gasped as the implication landed on him with crushing weight.
It wasn’t the same as what his father had done - in no way could Jim ever think it was the same - but it fit. Hot and burning and bitter all at once, and yet he almost thought he could feel something letting go... something he’d clung to for far too long. He’d succeeded where he’d thought his father had failed.
“Blues? You okay?”
Jim swallowed past the lump in his throat and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah I am. I really think I am.”
*********
Johan fell asleep after about a half hour, but Jim stayed, sitting next to him in silent company until a nurse came in to run some scans and check Johan’s meds. Jim quietly slipped back out into the main part of sickbay. A quick check of the chrono told him that it was 0847 - well into alpha shift. Bones should already be there, but Jim had figured the first thing Bones would do on arrival would be to track him down. That hadn’t happened.
“Cadet Kirk?”
He turned to see a doctor he didn’t recognize approaching him. She had long, dark hair which was worked up into an elaborate twist on her head, and was carrying a tricorder in one hand and a PADD under the other arm.
“Doctor...?”
“Singh. My records said you were discharged, but Doctor Brex said you were still here, talking to Crewman Johan. How are you feeling? Are you having any problems?” She was already activating the tricorder.
Jim waved her off. “I’m fine. And I was also waiting around to see Doctor McCoy.”
She nodded in easy acceptance. “Ah. I understand. Actually, he isn’t here yet.”
Jim frowned. “I thought he was due on alpha shift.”
Singh actually gave him a slightly devious grin. “He was, but I’ll wager that the sedative Doctor Brex gave him still has him out cold.”
“Yeah, he mentioned.” Jim gave a small smile that didn’t feel too fake. “I’ve seen McCoy take sedatives to help him sleep after rough duty shifts or mid-term exams and finals. The guy sleeps like the dead for hours. Will he be in trouble?”
Singh shook her head. “Of course not. We would have given him the day off if we weren’t so short-handed in here. But right now, we’ve got it under control, and it’s not a problem.”
Jim looked around. It was busier around sickbay now that alpha shift had begun. One nurse was taking a patient to a treatment room on a stretcher, and another was helping a patient to walk on what must be a recently repaired leg. Things were getting back to normal. “So... should I wait for him here? Or... I could go to his quarters and pull him out of bed, if you think that would be a good idea.” And really, that’s what Jim wanted to do. He could go and wake Bones up and talk to the guy before he even got down to sickbay for his shift.
“You don’t need to wake him up, Cadet,” Singh said, shaking her head. “I’m sure he’ll be down here soon. It’s up to you, of course, but if you want to wait here, you can.”
“I...” On one hand, he didn’t want to wake Bones if the guy was actually sleeping, but he didn’t want to wait either. Waiting meant rehashing everything he’d just talked about with Johan. Waiting meant thinking about Finney and the failure that even his success couldn’t cover. But waiting also meant giving Bones time to rest, and he didn’t want to be greedy.
“Cadet?”
“I’ll wait.”
Doctor Singh nodded gently. “You know... I heard about some of the things you did on the surface. I heard that you stayed to make sure they didn’t detonate the bomb... that you took care of other people. I admire and respect that.”
Jim shrugged awkwardly, feeling his face burn red. “I only did what seemed right at the time. I wasn’t trying to do it for any sort of recognition.”
She smiled. “I know. That’s why I respect it.”
She waved him to a chair next to the nurse’s station, and Jim sat down, feeling really awkward hanging around in sickbay when he’d been a patient just a couple of hours ago. He tried not to think too much.
Maybe he could go down to Bones’ quarters and just wake the guy up. Bones had given him the passcode, after all. And if he knew Bones, which he absolutely did, then the guy would probably appreciate the wake-up if he’d overslept into his shift.
He was about to stand up and excuse himself when the comm sounded. “Commander Shao to Cadet Kirk.”
Jim startled at the sound of his name. He looked up and saw one of the nurses - a red-headed woman he thought he recognized. “Uh... should I respond?”
She actually rolled her eyes at him, and for a moment, it reminded him of Bones. “If a commander comms a cadet, what do you think?” She laughed lightly at him as his jaw went slack. “Go ahead and take the call at the nurses’ station.”
Jim nodded dumbly, stood, and tapped the comm panel above the nurses’ computer. “Kirk here, sir.”
“Kirk, we were notified that you were discharged from sickbay. I understand that you’re off-duty for twenty-four hours, but Captain Porter wants you to report for a debriefing if you’re capable. Are you feeling up to it?” She sounded thoroughly apologetic.
Jim raised both eyebrows in surprise. “The captain?”
“Yes, cadet. He wants to talk to you as soon as possible, before the negotiations reconvene on the surface.”
“The negotiations are continuing?” Jim blurted out in disbelief. “I figured Starfleet would suspend everything... call off the talks and tell the Axanar where they can... uh... stick it. Uh... sir.” He cringed at his own slip of words.
If Shao was angry at his breach of protocol, she said nothing. “Do you feel that you’re physically able to attend a debriefing?”
“I feel fine, sir.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Please report to Conference Room One promptly.”
“Aye, sir.”
“Shao out.”
Jim took a step back from the nurse’s station and shook his head. So much for going to wake up Bones.
“Are you sure you’re capable of attending a debriefing, Cadet?”
Jim turned to see Doctor Singh giving him a concerned look.
“Yeah... I mean, yes, sir. I’m fine.”
“You just look a bit pale.”
Jim shrugged. “I’m tired. I just... didn’t want to have to think about stuff. I just...” He shook his head. “I can’t believe they’re continuing the talks after everything that happened.”
“You’d be amazed at some of the things people work through out here. There’s always something... a battle, a political crisis, a natural disaster... but life continues on. It has to. Besides, I heard that the Araxians have petitioned for entry into the Federation... independently.”
“That’s... really good news,” Jim said, not holding back his surprise.
“I think it is,” she said with a smile. “A planet with a culture based on free will, academic dedication, and social equality? The Federation will likely welcome them with open arms. I might even move here when I retire.”
Jim let himself smile at the thought of this civilization joining the Federation. “Bones -- uh, McCoy likes them, too.” He let his shoulders relax. “So maybe the captain wants to know what I saw down there before they start the talks?”
“I have no idea what the captain wants to talk to you about, but if I were you, I wouldn’t keep him waiting.”
That was fair enough. Jim nodded, then tugged the hem of his uniform shirt to straighten it out. “Okay.”
*********
Jim arrived at Conference Room One with no idea what to expect. The door slid open, and Jim wasn’t surprised to see Captain Porter sitting next to Commander Shao, but it was the holovid screen that grabbed his attention.
“Captain Pike?”
Pike’s expression was exhausted and grim. “Good morning, Kirk,” came the tired reply, and Jim wondered if he’d gotten any sleep last night. “Don’t you think you ought to try greeting the actual ship’s captain first? You know... the guy sitting right in front of you who asked you to report?”
“I... uh...” Already off-balance, Jim turned slightly and snapped a salute as best he could. “Cadet Kirk reporting as ordered, captain.”
There might have been a hint of a smile as Porter returned the salute and gestured towards the chair across the conference table. “Have a seat, cadet.” He waited a moment for Jim to sit, and continued. “How are you feeling? I was told that you acquired a nasty injury yourself that you didn’t bother to report.”
Jim shrugged uneasily. “It’s fine, sir. They’ve fixed me up, good as new. And it wasn’t as important as getting help for Johan.” He flicked a glance sideways at the viewscreen, making brief eye contact with Pike. “Besides, I was still trying to figure out the situation, and I didn’t want to look weak.”
Pike raised an eyebrow, but Porter merely nodded. “Fair enough. And good tactics for a situation like that. I’m glad to see you on the mend. But now... it’s early, and I know you’re tired, but we should get to the reason I called this debriefing as soon as possible.”
There was an odd tone in Porter’s voice, and Jim frowned. Looking more closely, it was obvious that the captain was exhausted, and Jim realized that the man had probably barely slept. Of course he hadn’t slept - he was the captain of a starship in the middle of a crisis. In fact, if he needed to be down at the continuing negotiations later in the morning, he’d probably called the debriefing before his shift because it was the only chance he’d get. “Absolutely, sir.”
Shao cleared her throat. “Cadet Kirk, first and foremost, I want to tell you that we consider your performance to be beyond reproach in this situation. In fact, we apologize for the circumstances that led to your concerns being ignored until it was almost too late. Still, we need to address the events down on the planet that led to your team being stranded, including the death of Lieutenant Finney.”
In an instant, the blood was rushing loudly in Jim’s ears, and his heart felt too heavy in his chest. This was inevitable. This discussion needed to happen. He had to make the report. He wasn’t ready for it, but the universe doesn’t wait for you to be ready before it drops a bomb on you. It merely grinds on, and all you can do is to react. So that’s what Jim would do.
But in his mind, all he could see was Finney’s blood all over the floor, feel the lifeless body underneath desperate hands, and hear those last orders ringing in his ears. He swallowed thickly, and blinked until he could focus on the room again. Then, feeling much older than he was, he leaned on the table and said, “Where do I begin?”
*********
It had been the last thing Jim had wanted to discuss. Sure, the Captain had also asked him about his tactical decisions, his observations of the Araxian people, and the things he’d noticed leading up to the battle, but they seemed to already know most of what he was telling them. He got the impression that they were simply asking him questions to confirm things they’d already learned. Mostly, the discussion had focused on Finney.
They had wanted to know what had happened, blow-by-blow, from the moment the power sub-station had detonated. Jim had recalled the events as best he could, but mostly, he saw Finney’s lifeless body on the floor of the storage building. He saw the blood on his hands. He heard the damning, awful words that had spilled from his mouth in front of Captain Porter, telling them all that the last thing Finney had done in his life was a massive mistake.
He’d told the bitter truth that Lieutenant Finney, the man who had died trying to protect them all, had seriously fucked up.
That wasn’t how he’d wanted to remember a friend and mentor. That wasn’t what he’d wanted to leave behind for Finney’s wife and young daughter. They’d get a copy of the report, and they’d see his name next to those horrible words. He could have lied... but he hadn’t.
And then, there had been Pike. He’d kept waiting for Pike to say something, but his advisor had barely said a word. There had been something in the man’s steady-but-exhausted gaze that Jim couldn’t quite decipher -- something that was passive and yet judgemental and apologetic and completely unbalanced.
He’d wanted Pike to just say something. He didn’t know what, but Pike had always been the one who had put everything right in the past. Instead, this time, Pike had been on the sidelines, and his advice had been wrong. In the end, the only thing he’d said before he’d had to excuse himself and close the comm-link had been an enigmatic, “You did the best you could with a bad situation, and I’m sorry I couldn’t give you better advice. And... tell McCoy that he was right. And that I’m not going to write him up this time, but he’d better lock out his comm next time he’s on sedatives before he runs his mouth in front of the wrong officer.”
Jim had no idea what to make of that.
He also had no idea what to do next.
He stood outside the door to Conference Room One and stared at the people walking by. They were giving him odd looks. And why shouldn’t they? He was pretty sure he looked completely out of place - a cadet, standing in the hallway on Deck One, no going anywhere, looking lost? Yeah, he needed to get going... but where?
Bones would definitely be down in sickbay by now, but Jim didn’t want to go down there. There would be people there... people he couldn’t face right now. He didn’t want to go back to his quarters, either. Liu would probably be in there, if not most of his squad. Shao had told him that the whole squad of cadets had been taken off-duty for the next twenty-four hours anyway. She’d suggested that he spend time with them, but he didn’t want to.
He didn’t want to see anyone.
Looking to his left, then his right, Jim’s gaze finally settled on the turbolift doors in front of him. Not really sure where exactly he was going, he stepped into the turbolift. “Deck twelve.”
*********
To Chapter 22