LJ Idol Season 11: Friends/enemies
Last week's entry was so uncomfortable for me I still (as of writing this) haven't even looked at the comments. And yet, here we are in a place that the natural thing would be to build on it.
Admitting that you're at least partly in the wrong is never easy. And yes, I dressed it up. I couldn't help it. I am very ashamed of some of the things I did back in those days. But for some of us hardheaded hairless monkeys, the only way to really learn a lesson is to have it drubbed into you by hard experience. I definitely managed that, with bells on.
On the other hand... I know of at least one person who once was my friend, who now hates me passionately because someone lied about something I said, embellishing what I actually said into something unforgivable. A friend of mine referred to this as the "truth, lie, and obfuscate" strategy, and it worked against me too well. The fallout lasted for years, and all of it contains some of my most painful memories of LJ.
I knew on some level, how tribal people were, and how everyone would pick a side. But until I experienced it-- until it was me and my friends versus them and their friends, it wasn't a visceral thing. I was grateful for those who stood by me, but I also learned exactly how fickle some people can be. Worse, though, was the discovery of the people who kept their masks on so they could 'spy' for their friend-- my former friend.
I was framed-- but they chose to betray me. Weirdly, I have forgotten most of them. I haven't forgotten the pain, but the people? They picked their side, and bon voyage to them.
What's really hard is that I didn't do it. I still knee-jerk want to defend myself, to scream "I never!" and stomp my feet and somehow convince them--and some of the other people who chose them from the beginning-- to be my friend again. And yet. Not only has so much time passed it would be ridiculous, it's probably more true to say that neither of us is the person we were a decade or more ago. They hate a ghost, and I long for the friendship of a person who probably no longer exists.
That's the only thing that comforts me, some nights.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. There are
comments there. You may comment there, or here.
Admitting that you're at least partly in the wrong is never easy. And yes, I dressed it up. I couldn't help it. I am very ashamed of some of the things I did back in those days. But for some of us hardheaded hairless monkeys, the only way to really learn a lesson is to have it drubbed into you by hard experience. I definitely managed that, with bells on.
On the other hand... I know of at least one person who once was my friend, who now hates me passionately because someone lied about something I said, embellishing what I actually said into something unforgivable. A friend of mine referred to this as the "truth, lie, and obfuscate" strategy, and it worked against me too well. The fallout lasted for years, and all of it contains some of my most painful memories of LJ.
I knew on some level, how tribal people were, and how everyone would pick a side. But until I experienced it-- until it was me and my friends versus them and their friends, it wasn't a visceral thing. I was grateful for those who stood by me, but I also learned exactly how fickle some people can be. Worse, though, was the discovery of the people who kept their masks on so they could 'spy' for their friend-- my former friend.
I was framed-- but they chose to betray me. Weirdly, I have forgotten most of them. I haven't forgotten the pain, but the people? They picked their side, and bon voyage to them.
What's really hard is that I didn't do it. I still knee-jerk want to defend myself, to scream "I never!" and stomp my feet and somehow convince them--and some of the other people who chose them from the beginning-- to be my friend again. And yet. Not only has so much time passed it would be ridiculous, it's probably more true to say that neither of us is the person we were a decade or more ago. They hate a ghost, and I long for the friendship of a person who probably no longer exists.
That's the only thing that comforts me, some nights.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. There are
comments there. You may comment there, or here.