LJ Idol Season 11: Impossible
It feels like a lifetime ago, but it was only a little over a decade. I was super-active on LJ and friends with hundreds of people. And, as sometimes happens among groups of people, there was friction. Worse, I was careless with my words and passionate about 'my' people.
I said some things I shouldn't have and learned how impossible it is to take them back.
I look back on those early days with fondness for so many reasons. But I also look back on those days with the cringing awareness of exactly how naive, young, and trusting I was-- as well as how badly I wanted everyone to like me. Which, of course, is why some of it happened.
I wasn't wearing just two faces, I think I had a face for every journal I read. Some of it wasn't bad; some of it helped me figure out who I really was. Others led me to who I wanted to be. One particularly wonderful friend showed me how to be gentle, to weigh my words, and that I cannot fight all the battles. I can't regret everything because of how brilliant and life-changing that information proved to be. But the bottom line is that I hurt people and I never could fix that. I lost friends that I regretted losing.
The flip side of that is that I made choices that I stand by to this day. I discovered things that matter more than my 'reputation.' I made enemies, but when they are my enemy because of those choices, because of the things I believe in that deeply, I'm okay with that. I'm actually good with being the villain in someone's story if it's for the right reasons.
But I will always wish that I could take back some of those words.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. There are
comments there. You may comment there, or here.
I said some things I shouldn't have and learned how impossible it is to take them back.
I look back on those early days with fondness for so many reasons. But I also look back on those days with the cringing awareness of exactly how naive, young, and trusting I was-- as well as how badly I wanted everyone to like me. Which, of course, is why some of it happened.
I wasn't wearing just two faces, I think I had a face for every journal I read. Some of it wasn't bad; some of it helped me figure out who I really was. Others led me to who I wanted to be. One particularly wonderful friend showed me how to be gentle, to weigh my words, and that I cannot fight all the battles. I can't regret everything because of how brilliant and life-changing that information proved to be. But the bottom line is that I hurt people and I never could fix that. I lost friends that I regretted losing.
The flip side of that is that I made choices that I stand by to this day. I discovered things that matter more than my 'reputation.' I made enemies, but when they are my enemy because of those choices, because of the things I believe in that deeply, I'm okay with that. I'm actually good with being the villain in someone's story if it's for the right reasons.
But I will always wish that I could take back some of those words.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. There are
comments there. You may comment there, or here.