LJ Idol Season 11: Living rent free in your head
I am so depressed I cannot think straight. I cannot put words together. I feel invisible. A text comes in, from my BFF. He has noticed I haven't been communicative, and just wanted to check-in. I feel seen. We talk for hours, and by the time we hang up, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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I am standing in the grocery store, sick as a dog. I am there to get Gatorade, some cold meds, and Advil. I grab some of my husband's favorite Gatorade even though he doesn't really NEED it the way I do. After all, I like it too, and it's on sale. I give him one when he gets home, and his smile warms me despite the stupid cold.
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I am so sick I can barely crawl from the bed to the couch. I am on the heavy antibiotics, and I just know that's going to lead to nasty side effects. I wake up when my husbeast comes home from work early to find he's gotten ginger ale and a milkshake, since I have not been able to eat real food and need the calories. I am so grateful I cry. The milkshake is the most delicious thing I have eaten in weeks.
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I have spent years in therapy ruthlessly evicting the negative voices in my head. The people who live in my head now, live there rent-free because they make my head and my world a better place. Thinking about the drinks my husbeast likes and grabbing a few for him is second nature because he's always in my head. Sending my BFF bunny pics, or my Mom a recipe. Messaging my brothers-- blood and spirit-- when a fabulous football play happens, or when I see something that I think they'd like. These things all happen because these people live in my head.
I have mental illness; I have to fight my brain to live, sometimes. So evicting the negative voices, the ones that said I was no good, too fat, too ugly, would never make anything of myself... it was necessary if I wanted to stay alive. I haven't entirely succeeded. But what I did do in order to make the constant battles a little easier was create an army in my head of people who love me. Who lift me up. Who are there to help when the negative voices get loud.
They are my bulwark, my shield against the brain weasels that try to beat me down, convince me that I would be better off dead. Sometimes, the darkness swallows them, too. But fortunately, when that happens, I can reach out to the real people behind the voices.
They are my life preservers. I'd never charge them rent.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. There are
comments there. You may comment there, or here.
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I am standing in the grocery store, sick as a dog. I am there to get Gatorade, some cold meds, and Advil. I grab some of my husband's favorite Gatorade even though he doesn't really NEED it the way I do. After all, I like it too, and it's on sale. I give him one when he gets home, and his smile warms me despite the stupid cold.
---
I am so sick I can barely crawl from the bed to the couch. I am on the heavy antibiotics, and I just know that's going to lead to nasty side effects. I wake up when my husbeast comes home from work early to find he's gotten ginger ale and a milkshake, since I have not been able to eat real food and need the calories. I am so grateful I cry. The milkshake is the most delicious thing I have eaten in weeks.
----------
I have spent years in therapy ruthlessly evicting the negative voices in my head. The people who live in my head now, live there rent-free because they make my head and my world a better place. Thinking about the drinks my husbeast likes and grabbing a few for him is second nature because he's always in my head. Sending my BFF bunny pics, or my Mom a recipe. Messaging my brothers-- blood and spirit-- when a fabulous football play happens, or when I see something that I think they'd like. These things all happen because these people live in my head.
I have mental illness; I have to fight my brain to live, sometimes. So evicting the negative voices, the ones that said I was no good, too fat, too ugly, would never make anything of myself... it was necessary if I wanted to stay alive. I haven't entirely succeeded. But what I did do in order to make the constant battles a little easier was create an army in my head of people who love me. Who lift me up. Who are there to help when the negative voices get loud.
They are my bulwark, my shield against the brain weasels that try to beat me down, convince me that I would be better off dead. Sometimes, the darkness swallows them, too. But fortunately, when that happens, I can reach out to the real people behind the voices.
They are my life preservers. I'd never charge them rent.
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. There are
comments there. You may comment there, or here.