fuck myspace blogs, it's still about this LJ
it's been so long since i've written on this that the update format changed, and it bugged me.
i create too many happy endings in my mind about every situation, and kind of have a technique of shrugging off a let down by expecting it. my head goes everywhere with everything and their counter points. i guess this way of analyzing is good sometimes, but it kills others. i don't know if i need to cry, or go somewhere, or realize some things, or anything. i feel like i'm wasting time, and i don't know why that's bothering me. i moved to gainesville to not do anything, but now that i'm here i want more then i ever have. i want to just get everything difficult out of my way, and get to that point in my life where i'm at peace. i want to say happy, but i don't know if one is ever truly happy.
i've been super down on myself lately. i think everyone thinks i'm better then i am, and i try to even the situation by thinking well...maybe i think they're better then they are, too - but i don't believe this. it's really shitty that i think my thoughts are more cold hearted then anyone elses. i've never felt as selfish and as i have the past few months. it feels like a defense mechanism. i indulge in myself to not think about other things, but it doesn't work.
i hate missing people. i'm living with my three best friends, and it's shitty because i don't even want to talk to them about anything except how fucked up our apartment keeps getting. i don't open up to them about anything - not that i have a lot to spill, but sometimes it'd be nice to talk about some more personal things, and when i'm around them i don't feel like they're the best people to talk about that with anymore.
females. why don't i want to chase girls? i've been here for three months and haven't tried talking to one girl. i'm scared. that's all it is. i'm scared because i have had such a lack of experience in dealing with the opposite sex other then being around them when they are friends or girlfriends of my friends. i don't know how to talk to them. it's bullshit. i tell other guys this, and they're like "talk to them about them...they love talking about themselves". well then i don't want to talk to that girl. why the fuck do girls have to be so boring? i know they aren't though. i just can't get through to it. i don't like having to alter me to be able to have them not feel uncomfortable. it's not my fault that you don't get a joke, or don't give a shit about what i'm talking about. i don't know why i write off so many girls. i don't know why i think i'm good enough to be able to be picky. in a way i like that i give myself standards, but i just wish they weren't so hard to find, and i'm not going to settle. they aren't even high standards. i just want to be able to care for someone and them to care for me back. the friends i do have that are girls...i know they care, but i don't think they care even close to the amount i do. when i miss them, i feel creepy because i think i think about them too much. i feel bad if i ever think sexually about my friends who are girls. i just feel like i know that they're so much more then this shit i'm thinking of them at that moment. i care too much for me and for everyone else.
i love music for being able to reach on such deep parts of you...but lately no one's been able to get me. it's always a couple lines of a song or something. i need an album that wants what i want. how many people out there are just gonna be singing about missing girls so deeply without ever kissing one...how many bands are gonna write about how badly they just want to have things to do with, but have never had a relationship to know what to do. i'm super down this morning.
i don't want to work. i want to sit around and be a baby today. i think the financial situation up here has me super on edge too to where i feel myself almost wanting to cry right now. it's so fucked up that i can't buy ANYTHING. i can't even afford a goddamn haircut, and it's hard for me to afford to do laundry. i could work more, but this job is so draining, and it makes no sense. i don't want a second job right now, though. i think i'd go fucking crazy. all i do up here is wake up too early for work, go to work and leave early. get home and sit around and think shitty things, eat, smoke pot and cigarettes, watch tv, play guitar, and get nowhere. i've been so lazy that now even going out somewhere for like 3 hours gets me exhausted.
give me something.
i create too many happy endings in my mind about every situation, and kind of have a technique of shrugging off a let down by expecting it. my head goes everywhere with everything and their counter points. i guess this way of analyzing is good sometimes, but it kills others. i don't know if i need to cry, or go somewhere, or realize some things, or anything. i feel like i'm wasting time, and i don't know why that's bothering me. i moved to gainesville to not do anything, but now that i'm here i want more then i ever have. i want to just get everything difficult out of my way, and get to that point in my life where i'm at peace. i want to say happy, but i don't know if one is ever truly happy.
i've been super down on myself lately. i think everyone thinks i'm better then i am, and i try to even the situation by thinking well...maybe i think they're better then they are, too - but i don't believe this. it's really shitty that i think my thoughts are more cold hearted then anyone elses. i've never felt as selfish and as i have the past few months. it feels like a defense mechanism. i indulge in myself to not think about other things, but it doesn't work.
i hate missing people. i'm living with my three best friends, and it's shitty because i don't even want to talk to them about anything except how fucked up our apartment keeps getting. i don't open up to them about anything - not that i have a lot to spill, but sometimes it'd be nice to talk about some more personal things, and when i'm around them i don't feel like they're the best people to talk about that with anymore.
females. why don't i want to chase girls? i've been here for three months and haven't tried talking to one girl. i'm scared. that's all it is. i'm scared because i have had such a lack of experience in dealing with the opposite sex other then being around them when they are friends or girlfriends of my friends. i don't know how to talk to them. it's bullshit. i tell other guys this, and they're like "talk to them about them...they love talking about themselves". well then i don't want to talk to that girl. why the fuck do girls have to be so boring? i know they aren't though. i just can't get through to it. i don't like having to alter me to be able to have them not feel uncomfortable. it's not my fault that you don't get a joke, or don't give a shit about what i'm talking about. i don't know why i write off so many girls. i don't know why i think i'm good enough to be able to be picky. in a way i like that i give myself standards, but i just wish they weren't so hard to find, and i'm not going to settle. they aren't even high standards. i just want to be able to care for someone and them to care for me back. the friends i do have that are girls...i know they care, but i don't think they care even close to the amount i do. when i miss them, i feel creepy because i think i think about them too much. i feel bad if i ever think sexually about my friends who are girls. i just feel like i know that they're so much more then this shit i'm thinking of them at that moment. i care too much for me and for everyone else.
i love music for being able to reach on such deep parts of you...but lately no one's been able to get me. it's always a couple lines of a song or something. i need an album that wants what i want. how many people out there are just gonna be singing about missing girls so deeply without ever kissing one...how many bands are gonna write about how badly they just want to have things to do with, but have never had a relationship to know what to do. i'm super down this morning.
i don't want to work. i want to sit around and be a baby today. i think the financial situation up here has me super on edge too to where i feel myself almost wanting to cry right now. it's so fucked up that i can't buy ANYTHING. i can't even afford a goddamn haircut, and it's hard for me to afford to do laundry. i could work more, but this job is so draining, and it makes no sense. i don't want a second job right now, though. i think i'd go fucking crazy. all i do up here is wake up too early for work, go to work and leave early. get home and sit around and think shitty things, eat, smoke pot and cigarettes, watch tv, play guitar, and get nowhere. i've been so lazy that now even going out somewhere for like 3 hours gets me exhausted.
give me something.