(no subject)
too tired, to sit anymore.
the chair is hard
despite padding
two blankets, sweatpants
and my own flesh.
lying on the floor,
tonight,
staring at my boyfriend,
realizing
we wear the same size
and his belt almost fits me
[two notches too big]
and
this fear lurches inside my chest.
and i think i'm giving in.
and all i see
all i feel anymore
is skin, is excess.
and all i think about
anymore
is forgetting myself, is
erasing myself.
how many more?
and how many more days
until
i see myself the way
i really am,
how many more
until i'm finally
satisfied in this hollow,
how many more
till my bones give up?
there are
wheat thins
stuck in my back teeth.
i have been eating.
i admit this
openly
thru typed text
because in here, this
safe small shell
of my home
there is no one to judge
but me.
i am the worst
of all.
i ate
two yogurt cups, two
guzzles of milk,
two small packets
of wheat thins.
four mini chocolates.
and i have gained
back to my mandatory 108.5, and
i just want to keep going down
instead
of up up up
everyone says
'my o my, what
sharp bones you have'
my eyes feel sharper.
there is a dull scrape
to my step
and these days,
the world doesn't matter-
not class, not my two jobs,
not my hair[fallingfalling]not my
family, my friends.
the only thing of value
is the number range
of my worth. and
my boyfriend. and
my best friend.
what am i doing here, what
am i fucking doing,
washing my hair feeling
the mass slowly dismember, wondering
am i bald, am i still blonde-
and i step out
of the shower, stare
at my frightened face, and
search-
is she still there?
excuse me, girl, but
could you just tell me-
when did she leave?
the chair is hard
despite padding
two blankets, sweatpants
and my own flesh.
lying on the floor,
tonight,
staring at my boyfriend,
realizing
we wear the same size
and his belt almost fits me
[two notches too big]
and
this fear lurches inside my chest.
and i think i'm giving in.
and all i see
all i feel anymore
is skin, is excess.
and all i think about
anymore
is forgetting myself, is
erasing myself.
how many more?
and how many more days
until
i see myself the way
i really am,
how many more
until i'm finally
satisfied in this hollow,
how many more
till my bones give up?
there are
wheat thins
stuck in my back teeth.
i have been eating.
i admit this
openly
thru typed text
because in here, this
safe small shell
of my home
there is no one to judge
but me.
i am the worst
of all.
i ate
two yogurt cups, two
guzzles of milk,
two small packets
of wheat thins.
four mini chocolates.
and i have gained
back to my mandatory 108.5, and
i just want to keep going down
instead
of up up up
everyone says
'my o my, what
sharp bones you have'
my eyes feel sharper.
there is a dull scrape
to my step
and these days,
the world doesn't matter-
not class, not my two jobs,
not my hair[fallingfalling]not my
family, my friends.
the only thing of value
is the number range
of my worth. and
my boyfriend. and
my best friend.
what am i doing here, what
am i fucking doing,
washing my hair feeling
the mass slowly dismember, wondering
am i bald, am i still blonde-
and i step out
of the shower, stare
at my frightened face, and
search-
is she still there?
excuse me, girl, but
could you just tell me-
when did she leave?