fuck!
i am sooooo low right now!!!
god i'm such a raging alcoholic!!! UGH i am fucking SICK of myself!!
weak! weak! fucking just a weak stupid ass person!!
ARRRGH!!
i am so frustrated with myself. it's like HELLOOOO you can't drink so what do you do? you fucking waste of air??? you drink!! stupid stupid now i'm hungover and FUCK and can't function and i'm eating everything bc i'm hungover and can't function without food!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream cry tear out my hair cut myself fall asleep die. drink. sadly. fuck.
i mean b/ping and restricting HAS TO BE BETTER FOR ME than alcohol right?? god i know it's so bad to substitute one addiction for another but i don't know any other way to quit drinking!!!
bc it's making me fat, i have a little beer belly for fucks sake, what happened to the controled in control totally in control SKINNY person i used to be? what has happened to that girl? god even tho i was depressed as fuck and hated myself at least i was in control, sober and thin!
what am i now?
a girl who drinks at least a bottle of wine a night. who has no money bc i spend it all on booze. i don't take care of myself, i have to practically force myself to shower every day. and i hate my owrk, i never work, i just fuck off and am waiting for them to fire me, i have no drive, no determination, no commitment, i have no friends i'm anti social bc i'm paranoid. i'm depressed. i can't sleep without drinking. my fiance thinks i'm a fucking nutcase and i'll be surprised if he even marries me.
everyone thinks i'm solid and put together but i'm a fucking MESS!!! a hysterical, hung over, big fat fucking MESS.
the only way i can think to fix myself is to get fucking SOBER for one... and start restricting. i'm going to start on a liquid fast tomorrow when i'm not so fucking hungover and useless. then i'm getting serious. FUCK being hungover.
FUCK weighing 120!! god i can't REMEMBER the last time i weighed this much!! god 10lbs is NOT A BIG DEAL. i could lose that in two months time. if i start working out now, god i'd be a knockout by summer, and my wedding. i just want to be fucking happy or at least some little tiny chunk of that.
i just don't know what to do i feel so useless, anxious, unsure. scared.
god i'm such a raging alcoholic!!! UGH i am fucking SICK of myself!!
weak! weak! fucking just a weak stupid ass person!!
ARRRGH!!
i am so frustrated with myself. it's like HELLOOOO you can't drink so what do you do? you fucking waste of air??? you drink!! stupid stupid now i'm hungover and FUCK and can't function and i'm eating everything bc i'm hungover and can't function without food!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream cry tear out my hair cut myself fall asleep die. drink. sadly. fuck.
i mean b/ping and restricting HAS TO BE BETTER FOR ME than alcohol right?? god i know it's so bad to substitute one addiction for another but i don't know any other way to quit drinking!!!
bc it's making me fat, i have a little beer belly for fucks sake, what happened to the controled in control totally in control SKINNY person i used to be? what has happened to that girl? god even tho i was depressed as fuck and hated myself at least i was in control, sober and thin!
what am i now?
a girl who drinks at least a bottle of wine a night. who has no money bc i spend it all on booze. i don't take care of myself, i have to practically force myself to shower every day. and i hate my owrk, i never work, i just fuck off and am waiting for them to fire me, i have no drive, no determination, no commitment, i have no friends i'm anti social bc i'm paranoid. i'm depressed. i can't sleep without drinking. my fiance thinks i'm a fucking nutcase and i'll be surprised if he even marries me.
everyone thinks i'm solid and put together but i'm a fucking MESS!!! a hysterical, hung over, big fat fucking MESS.
the only way i can think to fix myself is to get fucking SOBER for one... and start restricting. i'm going to start on a liquid fast tomorrow when i'm not so fucking hungover and useless. then i'm getting serious. FUCK being hungover.
FUCK weighing 120!! god i can't REMEMBER the last time i weighed this much!! god 10lbs is NOT A BIG DEAL. i could lose that in two months time. if i start working out now, god i'd be a knockout by summer, and my wedding. i just want to be fucking happy or at least some little tiny chunk of that.
i just don't know what to do i feel so useless, anxious, unsure. scared.