depression is a bitch.

[mightymia]

i hate my job.
i work in an office
w/all overweight people
who tell me all day
that i'm thin.

and i started to believe it.
started thinking .. hey,
a cookie isn't going to kill me.

until i woke up and realized i weighed

117.

i haven't weighed this much ...
i can't even remember when.

112 is my high.
112!
117.
is disgusting.

i'm round and flabby and i hate it and i'm so upset and
everything makes me want to scream
and cry
and tear everything apart.

and my boyfriend
has no clue
why i don't want to have sex
why i'm so quiet
why i despise myself
and i'm not happy lately.

and i don't understand
how i've stuck to my cal count
for two days
and i weigh .5 more.

what the fuck is going on,
i cannot handle this,
i CANNOT be 117.

maybe i should buy a new scale-
but it'd be too simple
to just be the scale.

today i've eaten:

2 glasses green tea w/splenda
1/2 cup dry cheerios.

for lunch i'm scheduled for a large greek salad no dressing.

and i have broccoli that i'm going to steam

but i know it's not as easy
as just eating that.

i am near tears this morning
over a fucking number.