To Live in the City
I talked to Daniel and Daniel said that everyone should live in the city at some point. So I pondered what I've got out of being here so far.
I've always had this problem where I go around with some people or others and then get really down or otherwise overwhelmed by them and freak out because it’s not what I want my life to be. I always do that. It's like I forget that I have my own self--that I am a person apart from the other people I spend my time with, therefore I get very touchy about who I spend time with or not.
So, I do that and realize I don't want to be one person or another, or even a member of a certain group, etc. But when it doesn't work, I'm suddenly and overwhelmingly convinced that there’s no place for me, that I don’t belong anywhere, that I just don’t understand what’s supposed to be enjoyable about life. That always happens. But it’s because I haven’t made myself a SELF. I haven’t gathered the things I know I like and made them a part of my life. I kind of just do whatever people I end up hanging out with do, and end up really happy when those things coincide with things I actually like doing.
I have to stop living like that.
Anyway, I promise this relates to living in the city, and here's why: You have to be yourself in a city. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that you need to be conscious of who you're being, to "own it" as my friend Catherine would say. You need to embody whatever it is you are, or aspire to be.
Daniel said that everyone should live in a city at some point. I would wonder why he (in particular) thinks that, except that he seems like one of those people who isn’t like anyone else, who therefore must understand about "owning" who you are.
In a small town (this is my new theory) there are only a few types of people, probably only one or two that are acceptable and “normal.” Just because there aren’t that many people, or for some other anthropological reason related to small-town social dynamics. So you fit yourself in, or you withdraw and do your own thing. In a city, everyone is doing their own thing. I think I’ve heard that cities are actually lonely… I don’t know. But you have to have a self in a city. You can’t just drift down a street or through a grocery store. I’ve found this out, because when you drift around (as I’m accustomed to doing) people walk into you. They push by you, they stand in your way, they will cross the street in front of your car when you have a green light. You have to assert your presence, or you will spend all your time dodging people and scrambling across intersections (things work both ways with the car/pedestrian thing) and getting crushed into corners on trains. You have to carry yourself like you are aware of yourself as a separate entity with a will of your own. And to be a Self in this way, it helps to have your own thing. Everyone is dressing different ways, so you can’t really just dress how “other people” dress, since you could choose from any number of ways just based on the people walking down your street.
In a small town, you can (and may even need to) just wear what other people wear. Maybe I’m totally making this up, but I SWEAR it was like that. People stare at people who are differently dressed in a small town. Maybe it’s the homogenized circumstances. In public, you are either on a farm or some kind of specific work environment, in a store, at church, or at a barbecue or beach. There are pretty circumscribed ways of dressing for most of these things. And when you're in-between any of these things, you're in your own private car. There is more space; you can afford to have a much wider sense of personal space (which is offended by drivers from more crowded areas who's idea of personal space is your idea of tailgating). For the sake of social relationships in a small town, you don't show up at the beach dressed for church, or show up at a store dressed for the beach unless you just came from the beach. If you look too fancy, people will look at you funny.
In a city, you travel with other people. You're walking down the street on your way to the store, passing people who just came from work (a wider variety of possible work situations, by far, than the country) or who are going out partying, or who are just out running for exercise. People don't seem surprised by how most people dress, because everyone is doing different things at the same time.
So, there's less of the surprise and judgment that is in a small town. People in the city aren't surprised. You learn not to be surprised, either. And you learn that no one is surprised by you-- most people are too busy getting from here to there to care what you're up to.
You've paradoxically got to have a presence so you don't get trampled, yet you're actually more invisible or anonymous. So I guess it's both visual/physical and attitudinal. You have more freedom to choose a personality, yet there is more pressure to make this choice. You must be aware of yourself, move and speak confidently--develop an attitude of self--and recognize that others are not you and that you have as much right to walk down the sidewalk as anyone else. It's kind of sad that this is news to me, but I haven't often had to worry about where I was walking since there just weren't that many people around. But it's exciting to have started to do this, to develop this presence, practice it, feel like a person rather than just a floating set of eyes with an inner monologue. The other side of that is that then you have to take a look at who you really are, instead of dallying around indecisively hiding in what is expected, since nothing too specific IS expected. And yet, a lot of the pressure is off. The pressure of being different/noticed begins to lift. The concept of being different/noticed starts to dissolve; you lose the self-consciousness that, growing up in a small town, prevented you from breaking the norms. You are free, and forced, to be yourself. Maybe that’s why everyone should live in a city at some point.
The other thing that would be neat if I ever manage to prove it can happen is that, in a place with so many people doing so many different things, there is bound to be someone else doing YOUR thing. I haven't really found people doing my things. Maybe it's because I'm still not sure what my things are, since most of my things involve being places other than the city. But I still think it can happen. The diversity creates more opportunities for matching specific quirkinesses, but also makes it more difficult to find.
I've always had this problem where I go around with some people or others and then get really down or otherwise overwhelmed by them and freak out because it’s not what I want my life to be. I always do that. It's like I forget that I have my own self--that I am a person apart from the other people I spend my time with, therefore I get very touchy about who I spend time with or not.
So, I do that and realize I don't want to be one person or another, or even a member of a certain group, etc. But when it doesn't work, I'm suddenly and overwhelmingly convinced that there’s no place for me, that I don’t belong anywhere, that I just don’t understand what’s supposed to be enjoyable about life. That always happens. But it’s because I haven’t made myself a SELF. I haven’t gathered the things I know I like and made them a part of my life. I kind of just do whatever people I end up hanging out with do, and end up really happy when those things coincide with things I actually like doing.
I have to stop living like that.
Anyway, I promise this relates to living in the city, and here's why: You have to be yourself in a city. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that you need to be conscious of who you're being, to "own it" as my friend Catherine would say. You need to embody whatever it is you are, or aspire to be.
Daniel said that everyone should live in a city at some point. I would wonder why he (in particular) thinks that, except that he seems like one of those people who isn’t like anyone else, who therefore must understand about "owning" who you are.
In a small town (this is my new theory) there are only a few types of people, probably only one or two that are acceptable and “normal.” Just because there aren’t that many people, or for some other anthropological reason related to small-town social dynamics. So you fit yourself in, or you withdraw and do your own thing. In a city, everyone is doing their own thing. I think I’ve heard that cities are actually lonely… I don’t know. But you have to have a self in a city. You can’t just drift down a street or through a grocery store. I’ve found this out, because when you drift around (as I’m accustomed to doing) people walk into you. They push by you, they stand in your way, they will cross the street in front of your car when you have a green light. You have to assert your presence, or you will spend all your time dodging people and scrambling across intersections (things work both ways with the car/pedestrian thing) and getting crushed into corners on trains. You have to carry yourself like you are aware of yourself as a separate entity with a will of your own. And to be a Self in this way, it helps to have your own thing. Everyone is dressing different ways, so you can’t really just dress how “other people” dress, since you could choose from any number of ways just based on the people walking down your street.
In a small town, you can (and may even need to) just wear what other people wear. Maybe I’m totally making this up, but I SWEAR it was like that. People stare at people who are differently dressed in a small town. Maybe it’s the homogenized circumstances. In public, you are either on a farm or some kind of specific work environment, in a store, at church, or at a barbecue or beach. There are pretty circumscribed ways of dressing for most of these things. And when you're in-between any of these things, you're in your own private car. There is more space; you can afford to have a much wider sense of personal space (which is offended by drivers from more crowded areas who's idea of personal space is your idea of tailgating). For the sake of social relationships in a small town, you don't show up at the beach dressed for church, or show up at a store dressed for the beach unless you just came from the beach. If you look too fancy, people will look at you funny.
In a city, you travel with other people. You're walking down the street on your way to the store, passing people who just came from work (a wider variety of possible work situations, by far, than the country) or who are going out partying, or who are just out running for exercise. People don't seem surprised by how most people dress, because everyone is doing different things at the same time.
So, there's less of the surprise and judgment that is in a small town. People in the city aren't surprised. You learn not to be surprised, either. And you learn that no one is surprised by you-- most people are too busy getting from here to there to care what you're up to.
You've paradoxically got to have a presence so you don't get trampled, yet you're actually more invisible or anonymous. So I guess it's both visual/physical and attitudinal. You have more freedom to choose a personality, yet there is more pressure to make this choice. You must be aware of yourself, move and speak confidently--develop an attitude of self--and recognize that others are not you and that you have as much right to walk down the sidewalk as anyone else. It's kind of sad that this is news to me, but I haven't often had to worry about where I was walking since there just weren't that many people around. But it's exciting to have started to do this, to develop this presence, practice it, feel like a person rather than just a floating set of eyes with an inner monologue. The other side of that is that then you have to take a look at who you really are, instead of dallying around indecisively hiding in what is expected, since nothing too specific IS expected. And yet, a lot of the pressure is off. The pressure of being different/noticed begins to lift. The concept of being different/noticed starts to dissolve; you lose the self-consciousness that, growing up in a small town, prevented you from breaking the norms. You are free, and forced, to be yourself. Maybe that’s why everyone should live in a city at some point.
The other thing that would be neat if I ever manage to prove it can happen is that, in a place with so many people doing so many different things, there is bound to be someone else doing YOUR thing. I haven't really found people doing my things. Maybe it's because I'm still not sure what my things are, since most of my things involve being places other than the city. But I still think it can happen. The diversity creates more opportunities for matching specific quirkinesses, but also makes it more difficult to find.