not that anyone actually wants to hear about my life, but oh well...
i'm still alive. sort of. it would be nice if i could actually start eating well again and it would be great if i could actually sleep and sleep well, but i'm surviving. i guess.
summer so far has been kind of disappointing. my summer class has been taking up a lot of time, but that's almost over so that's good. best music poll was great until i got beaten up and had to leave before silversun pickups. i did go to six flags on sunday and that was AWESOME. i love roller coasters. and i had a kind-of date on saturday night and it wasn't terrible. we saw live free or die hard (which was great, if you're not expecting it to be as good as the first one, but the special effects were freaking awesome--he killed a helicopter with a car!!) and played at chuck e. cheese and k.b. toys for a bit while waiting for the movie. but he's ten years older than me and i'm really, REALLY not ready for any kind of dating, i don't think. i felt too weird...even though i know there's no reason for me not to enjoy myself, i have a hard time enjoying myself with anything.
anyways, the 3rd of july wasn't so bad, except for one part of the parade when i saw someone and he didn't see me and it ended with me crying in james's kitchen. on the other hand, it was the first time i had seen him and my heart just broke all over again. but i have great friends who were there for me and wouldn't let me mope and not eat and be miserable. and the fireworks were great this year, i liked the new ones they had.
so i'm going to get a second job, hopefully as a waitress, so i can save up money to move out of my house. it is time for me to move out and be on my own. i'm looking forward to establishing some independence and really being able to connect with myself. the plus side of having broken up with tim is that i actually have survived, and i think i've realized i'm a bit stronger than i thought i was. even though i know i haven't been the most pleasant person to deal with lately. sorry about that, guys. i've been trying to keep it to a minimum, but i have so much emotion and feeling i just don't know what to do with it all. i had even upped my therapy sessions back to once a week. now i'm at every other, i think, and i hope i can go back to every three weeks or so soon. and for the record, i hate being like this. so emotionally caught up in myself that i don't realize what i'm doing or who i'm hurting. really, i'm trying to get better at it.
ugh. i hate this kind of weather. humid, cloudy, and gross. i suppose the upside of that is i'm not tempted to go to the beach, so i can actually get homework done. can't wait for it to be over!
*sigh* i'm not happier this way, like i thought i would be. i really hope it was the right thing to do. but every day it gets a little better, and every day i deliberately cut open a wound or two so i can heal easier. i think it makes the healing process a little longer, but it'll be better for me in the end. i'll be tougher and maybe i can even control myself a little better. and who knows what the future holds. i'm hoping it involves my own apartment where i can put my stuff everywhere and my kitty (who is getting a little bigger, but not much, and he's still the cutest thing in the world) and solitude. i'm also hoping it involves a college degree so i can get whatever kind of job i want (NOT a desk job) and have the time and money to go to more concerts, buy more music, take more dance lessons, and travel more. even if it's by myself. i hope i can share it with someone, but i'll just live one day at a time until then.
when you do things right, no one will be sure you've done anything at all. -binary god, futurama
summer so far has been kind of disappointing. my summer class has been taking up a lot of time, but that's almost over so that's good. best music poll was great until i got beaten up and had to leave before silversun pickups. i did go to six flags on sunday and that was AWESOME. i love roller coasters. and i had a kind-of date on saturday night and it wasn't terrible. we saw live free or die hard (which was great, if you're not expecting it to be as good as the first one, but the special effects were freaking awesome--he killed a helicopter with a car!!) and played at chuck e. cheese and k.b. toys for a bit while waiting for the movie. but he's ten years older than me and i'm really, REALLY not ready for any kind of dating, i don't think. i felt too weird...even though i know there's no reason for me not to enjoy myself, i have a hard time enjoying myself with anything.
anyways, the 3rd of july wasn't so bad, except for one part of the parade when i saw someone and he didn't see me and it ended with me crying in james's kitchen. on the other hand, it was the first time i had seen him and my heart just broke all over again. but i have great friends who were there for me and wouldn't let me mope and not eat and be miserable. and the fireworks were great this year, i liked the new ones they had.
so i'm going to get a second job, hopefully as a waitress, so i can save up money to move out of my house. it is time for me to move out and be on my own. i'm looking forward to establishing some independence and really being able to connect with myself. the plus side of having broken up with tim is that i actually have survived, and i think i've realized i'm a bit stronger than i thought i was. even though i know i haven't been the most pleasant person to deal with lately. sorry about that, guys. i've been trying to keep it to a minimum, but i have so much emotion and feeling i just don't know what to do with it all. i had even upped my therapy sessions back to once a week. now i'm at every other, i think, and i hope i can go back to every three weeks or so soon. and for the record, i hate being like this. so emotionally caught up in myself that i don't realize what i'm doing or who i'm hurting. really, i'm trying to get better at it.
ugh. i hate this kind of weather. humid, cloudy, and gross. i suppose the upside of that is i'm not tempted to go to the beach, so i can actually get homework done. can't wait for it to be over!
*sigh* i'm not happier this way, like i thought i would be. i really hope it was the right thing to do. but every day it gets a little better, and every day i deliberately cut open a wound or two so i can heal easier. i think it makes the healing process a little longer, but it'll be better for me in the end. i'll be tougher and maybe i can even control myself a little better. and who knows what the future holds. i'm hoping it involves my own apartment where i can put my stuff everywhere and my kitty (who is getting a little bigger, but not much, and he's still the cutest thing in the world) and solitude. i'm also hoping it involves a college degree so i can get whatever kind of job i want (NOT a desk job) and have the time and money to go to more concerts, buy more music, take more dance lessons, and travel more. even if it's by myself. i hope i can share it with someone, but i'll just live one day at a time until then.
when you do things right, no one will be sure you've done anything at all. -binary god, futurama