Urin/psychoanalysis
The other day I had to see a Nephrologist for some "reason". He asked to sample my urine and I agreed- though I did make sure not to agree too avidly. He then said he needed to look at it under a microscope and I watched as he studied my urine carefully- smelling it, looking at first low and then high power fields, checking the colors from the chemical analysis at the exact moment that they needed to be read. At first I felt slightly disgusted and slightly more-slightly uncomfortable, especially because he was talking the whole time. He wasn't talking to me though, he was talking to my urine sample. He talked the way people talk to dogs at dog parks- you know how they say things "to" the dog but they know that only you understand the comments, and then you don't know if you're supposed to answer for your dog (or in my case, for my urine).
"There you are little hyaline cast. I knew if I kept looking I'd find you hiding somewhere."
Shit like that. I decided to keep my mouth shut.
But you know, as the "conversation" wore on, I began to see this Nephrologist's eccentric actions for what they really were- an unadulterated display of his passion for his patients and career. On any other day my urine gets dropped into a toilet without so much as a "see you in Hell" from me before I pull the switch like some executioner who was bored with his job before he was ever hired. Not this day though; this 12mL (yeah, I was able to get an ideal volume of urine and keep it clean-voided. Not bragging, just saying) of urine was delicately probed and studied until a level was reached that could be known only as intimacy. Then the doctor said a few words and flushed the sample.
Then came the verdict. It was a completely normal sample- as boring as Sarah, Plain and Tall in New York City. I couldn't help it anymore, I broke down right then and started crying. I was truly touched by the attention he paid to this part of me that I had neglected for years. The doctor put his arm around my shoulder and stood there patiently until I muttered "you did all that, just for a normal sample of urine?"
"Yes. Normal samples are my favorite kind. I like to think of a normal urine sample as a present from the Kidneys. A gold-to-clear libation to a deity who doesn't care."
You may think that this is a weird story, but it changed my life forever. Now, whenever I flush the toilet I always say "see you in Hell."
"There you are little hyaline cast. I knew if I kept looking I'd find you hiding somewhere."
Shit like that. I decided to keep my mouth shut.
But you know, as the "conversation" wore on, I began to see this Nephrologist's eccentric actions for what they really were- an unadulterated display of his passion for his patients and career. On any other day my urine gets dropped into a toilet without so much as a "see you in Hell" from me before I pull the switch like some executioner who was bored with his job before he was ever hired. Not this day though; this 12mL (yeah, I was able to get an ideal volume of urine and keep it clean-voided. Not bragging, just saying) of urine was delicately probed and studied until a level was reached that could be known only as intimacy. Then the doctor said a few words and flushed the sample.
Then came the verdict. It was a completely normal sample- as boring as Sarah, Plain and Tall in New York City. I couldn't help it anymore, I broke down right then and started crying. I was truly touched by the attention he paid to this part of me that I had neglected for years. The doctor put his arm around my shoulder and stood there patiently until I muttered "you did all that, just for a normal sample of urine?"
"Yes. Normal samples are my favorite kind. I like to think of a normal urine sample as a present from the Kidneys. A gold-to-clear libation to a deity who doesn't care."
You may think that this is a weird story, but it changed my life forever. Now, whenever I flush the toilet I always say "see you in Hell."