Black Belt
I have finally reached my life-long goal of becoming a black belt in Karate. Well, maybe "life-long" is a little strong- I really only decided that I wanted to become a black belt about two hours ago. But I wanted to become one so badly that the two hours felt like a lifetime.
It all started in Belk's Department store, where I was buying my annual belt. Belk's for belts I always say. So anyway, I was going to buy a brown belt like I have for the past 23 years of my life, when a salesman walked up to me and suggested I buy a black belt.
"But I don't have the proper training for a Black Belt." I protested
"Don't worry, I'm certified by Belk's to give you the necessary training. If you take my two hour intense training course, you'll be able to wear that belt with pride and simultaneously scare evil villains. The course costs 200 dollars, and the belt comes with it."
Wow! Belk's for belts is right!
"I don't know. Do you really think I'm ready?"
" Yes. I do. Normally the training takes four hours, but when I saw you standing by those belts... I just knew that you were special. I think that you may even have what it takes to surpass my skills one day."
"Wow, REALLY! Here's my 200 bucks. When can I start?"
"Right now."
We walked out back and my training began. I was an earnest student, and I learned quickly.
"We're going to start with board-breaking."
"Already?"
"I told you, you're an advanced student. Don't question me."
"Sorry Sensei."
"Call me 'Dr. Sensei.'"
"Sorry Dr. Sensei."
I used to think that Karate board-breaking consisted of hitting boards with your hands or feet to break them. As it turns out, that is actually a Western bastardization of the real technique, in which the sensei hits the student with a thick board all over his or her body until the board breaks. Next I was put through a series of punching and kicking excercises. This was accomplished by having Sensei Dr. Sensei kick and punch me until he was exhausted.
"Man, Karate training is hard!
"I know, but if it wasn't difficult, it wouldn't be worth doing."
Sensei Dr. Sensei was full of wisdom like that. At this point in my training, Sensei Dr. Sensei explained that I had lost at least half of my blood. I was suposed to have lost two-thirds of my blood though, and we only had one hour left. Therefore we combined the ninja star and nun-chuck training. This was done by attaching some ninja stars to one chuck and hitting me wherever major arteries came close to the surface of my skin.
"Okay, now I'm pretty sure most of my blood is gone." I said at the conclusion of my training.
"Yeah, you're right. And I'm tired anyway. Here's your belt."
I was ecstatic! Finally, after two hours, I put on a black belt for the first time in my life. And that's not all; Sensei Dr. Sensei videotaped my training and put it on YouTube. Not only am I a black belt, I'm also going to be famous! YOu can look up the video by the title "My Dumbest Customer Ever." I'm not sure what the title is supposed to mean, but I don't care. This has been the happiest, bloodiest day of my life with the possible exception of the day I was born and I feel like I'm walking on air. But that may just be because I can't feel my feet.
It all started in Belk's Department store, where I was buying my annual belt. Belk's for belts I always say. So anyway, I was going to buy a brown belt like I have for the past 23 years of my life, when a salesman walked up to me and suggested I buy a black belt.
"But I don't have the proper training for a Black Belt." I protested
"Don't worry, I'm certified by Belk's to give you the necessary training. If you take my two hour intense training course, you'll be able to wear that belt with pride and simultaneously scare evil villains. The course costs 200 dollars, and the belt comes with it."
Wow! Belk's for belts is right!
"I don't know. Do you really think I'm ready?"
" Yes. I do. Normally the training takes four hours, but when I saw you standing by those belts... I just knew that you were special. I think that you may even have what it takes to surpass my skills one day."
"Wow, REALLY! Here's my 200 bucks. When can I start?"
"Right now."
We walked out back and my training began. I was an earnest student, and I learned quickly.
"We're going to start with board-breaking."
"Already?"
"I told you, you're an advanced student. Don't question me."
"Sorry Sensei."
"Call me 'Dr. Sensei.'"
"Sorry Dr. Sensei."
I used to think that Karate board-breaking consisted of hitting boards with your hands or feet to break them. As it turns out, that is actually a Western bastardization of the real technique, in which the sensei hits the student with a thick board all over his or her body until the board breaks. Next I was put through a series of punching and kicking excercises. This was accomplished by having Sensei Dr. Sensei kick and punch me until he was exhausted.
"Man, Karate training is hard!
"I know, but if it wasn't difficult, it wouldn't be worth doing."
Sensei Dr. Sensei was full of wisdom like that. At this point in my training, Sensei Dr. Sensei explained that I had lost at least half of my blood. I was suposed to have lost two-thirds of my blood though, and we only had one hour left. Therefore we combined the ninja star and nun-chuck training. This was done by attaching some ninja stars to one chuck and hitting me wherever major arteries came close to the surface of my skin.
"Okay, now I'm pretty sure most of my blood is gone." I said at the conclusion of my training.
"Yeah, you're right. And I'm tired anyway. Here's your belt."
I was ecstatic! Finally, after two hours, I put on a black belt for the first time in my life. And that's not all; Sensei Dr. Sensei videotaped my training and put it on YouTube. Not only am I a black belt, I'm also going to be famous! YOu can look up the video by the title "My Dumbest Customer Ever." I'm not sure what the title is supposed to mean, but I don't care. This has been the happiest, bloodiest day of my life with the possible exception of the day I was born and I feel like I'm walking on air. But that may just be because I can't feel my feet.