"He wants to give his family, the finer things"
I'm not really happy right now as I write. I mean I should be right? Things are great. I fucking hate when things are great because great is boring. I like being kicked the fuck around by shitty people. I like to love someone so much it hurts. I love it when I hurt so much that I cry. To me that's living. Your life is made up of your raw emotions, those moments of weakness and intense happiness. I miss the spontaneity of my life in Florida. Last year at this time I was there. I was so unhappy with my job in Disney I got physically sick every morning before work, threw up, had the shakes, found it hard to smile. And you know what's fucking sick????..I'd go back in a heartbeat now. It would save me from the monotony that I endure now. What is more exciting than a bland job, a line of study in school that I can't enjoy, living at home, and dull relationships? EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. I guess I had a horrible day. It was just a bad day today because it was a waste. I had a great time last night with some bing friends, but was hungover and blaaaaaah this morning. I feel like a loser and clearly, by the tone of this entry, I'm a little off today. I fucking hate this town so much that I would love to spit on everything here. I cant wait to go to France and see Alyse. She makes me happy. I was indirectly offered full-time employment at MMC post-graduation by the VP Friday. To take this is to fulfill everything that is lame about my life right now. I need out of here and fast. My B.A. in Economics from BU can't come sooner. I had a really awesome valentine's day with Amy. Really awesome. We're taking it slow and I agree it'd best that way. We definitely click I just need someone who can keep up with me. That's my only worry. I fucking hate some people right now for the utter annoyance they bring to my life but I'll survive....always have. I want ups and downs. I live for a chance to prove I'm not ordinary. I have strayed from God a little in this and lost some humility. My pride needs to come down a notch if I plan to be successful in anything, especially a relationship with any human other than myself. Certainly pride will continue to lead my away from God. After my insecurites from middle and high school had faded away I couldn't have been happier. Now it seems like it all needs to come into better lighting. Will I always be trying to prove that I'm the best, or that I am important or always right? Why was I born to parents who always gave me what I wanted to hear, and distorted the reality of the world. It's easy to talk to your kids about being safe and responsible in general terms. It's much harder to come to the realization that they will be ridden with imperfections sometimes and for example, get too drunk to function. Letting them know that you are there for them whether they screw up or excel would be nice. This is something I will instill in my kids. It's something I've never had. It's something I've had to learn on my own.