you cannot quit me so quickly, there's no hope in you for me.
today mandiefavor posted this.
"Sometimes I like to sit here and curse fate for my being so completely in love with someone I'll never work out with."
Well, I figured it had to happen eventually. Someone posted something that tugged a string rooted so deeply in the fiber of an emotional experience of mine, that I need to comment on it or else i wont be able to sleep tonight. This one line set off a chain of memories from when i felt JUST that way... frustrated by fate. I don't talk much about it, and i rarely write about it, and if you ask me about it in person, I'll probably change the subject... Its a long post.
I took a peek at my friends page while I was at work today, and saw that post, not thinking much about it at first. But throughout the day, memories began drifting in from the periphery, pooling and collecting in the corners of my head to the point that during the drive home, I could barely concentrate while I tried to think of words to put to the turmoil. I was going to post this as a comment on her journal, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that i really don't know anything about her situation, and that this post was really just about my thoughts, and probably only pertains to me.
Normandie's post made me sad for times past. I think we throw fate around too often as an excuse for love gone awry, and for me in particular, theres really only one love lost that i dismissed too quickly as being somewhat ambiguously "not meant to be". Man. I could fill an iPod with the songs and movie quotes that remind me of her to this day, but two come to mind most quickly.
The Flaming Lips, "Fight Test". ...when i listen to the words, it really sums up some of my frustration.
and (I know, its cheesy) the scene in men in black where will smith is watching the archived pictures of how tommy lee jones life got hijacked by the roswell landing instead of going on that date with the woman he never got to say goodbye to:
WS: "And I take it that woman never got those flowers ... Oh Well, you know what they say.. its better to have loved and lost than..." [gets cut off]
TLJ: "Try it."
Without going into too much detail about who she is, or any of the little details of what really went wrong, suffice it to say that i feel like I fucked it up from day one, that I couldn't ever hav been good enough for her....and that idea started like a snowflake landing at the top of a mountain with just enough power to merge with another snowflake, and another, continuously, until they've formed this massive ball of snow barrelling down with untold ferocity. unstoppable until it rolls right over you, and then you wake up confused and hurting, and try to forget that it ever happened. In retrospect, the idea in my head that it "just wasn't meant to be" was the ONLY thing that truly stopped this thing from becoming what I still believe it really could of been, if I hadn't been so unconscious of my own thoughts, and how fatal that ignorance was to the relationship.
I remember when the snow ball hit me, too.
We were all at my friend's apartment, and things hadn't been going well, but i was angry and frustrated at the emotional disconnection I had been feeling. I didn't know what was wrong, but i felt the relationship was about over, and that was overpowering. I was alone in one of the small bedrooms, on the verge of tears at the uncertainty of the direction between her and me. My best friend walked in, and pretty much instantly knew what was going on. We talked for several minutes, getting deeper and deeper into the real root of the issue.
"Look." he said, "do you love her? It's as simple as that. If you love her, and you think that that's difficult, i want you to imagine how you'll feel if you never tell her, because it'll be over too soon for you to try to play catch-up with your emotions."
Now, I know that you have to wait for the right moment in a relationship to get into these kinds of discussions, and admittedly thus far our little affair had been brief, but each day made me think more and more about how amazing she was, and how he was exactly what i wanted. I kept waiting for the perfect moment. I was so certain i could make this happen. It had to happen. Fate, right?
For a long time after she left, all i could think of was the taste her perfume left on my lips, and all I could picture was her smile and the spark that flashed in her eyes the first time we kissed.
You know, it was years ago; I've had to move on.. but it never really goes away. My best friend had been right. every heartbreak. every frustrated crush. every refused advance. every embarrassing moment. They're nothing. I'd live them all over again a hundred times to be able rewind time back to the beginning of the end of that love that might have been.
I've grown a lot since then.. but all else aside, a part of me just can't help thinking that THIS was the chance I had. This was that opportunity that only knocks once, and i HAD it. but i let it slide right through my fingers.
i don't have any advice to give. it's probably true that some things in life really arent feasible, and certainly dwelling on them won't bring them back. But think about it. I mean REALLY think about it before you write off love's impossibility due to 'fate'. I've heard since then from mutual friends that at the time we were seeing eachother, she felt i may very well have been the best thing that ever happened to her, and that's what really broke my heart.
she loves someone else now.
"Sometimes I like to sit here and curse fate for my being so completely in love with someone I'll never work out with."
Well, I figured it had to happen eventually. Someone posted something that tugged a string rooted so deeply in the fiber of an emotional experience of mine, that I need to comment on it or else i wont be able to sleep tonight. This one line set off a chain of memories from when i felt JUST that way... frustrated by fate. I don't talk much about it, and i rarely write about it, and if you ask me about it in person, I'll probably change the subject... Its a long post.
I took a peek at my friends page while I was at work today, and saw that post, not thinking much about it at first. But throughout the day, memories began drifting in from the periphery, pooling and collecting in the corners of my head to the point that during the drive home, I could barely concentrate while I tried to think of words to put to the turmoil. I was going to post this as a comment on her journal, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that i really don't know anything about her situation, and that this post was really just about my thoughts, and probably only pertains to me.
Normandie's post made me sad for times past. I think we throw fate around too often as an excuse for love gone awry, and for me in particular, theres really only one love lost that i dismissed too quickly as being somewhat ambiguously "not meant to be". Man. I could fill an iPod with the songs and movie quotes that remind me of her to this day, but two come to mind most quickly.
The Flaming Lips, "Fight Test". ...when i listen to the words, it really sums up some of my frustration.
and (I know, its cheesy) the scene in men in black where will smith is watching the archived pictures of how tommy lee jones life got hijacked by the roswell landing instead of going on that date with the woman he never got to say goodbye to:
WS: "And I take it that woman never got those flowers ... Oh Well, you know what they say.. its better to have loved and lost than..." [gets cut off]
TLJ: "Try it."
Without going into too much detail about who she is, or any of the little details of what really went wrong, suffice it to say that i feel like I fucked it up from day one, that I couldn't ever hav been good enough for her....and that idea started like a snowflake landing at the top of a mountain with just enough power to merge with another snowflake, and another, continuously, until they've formed this massive ball of snow barrelling down with untold ferocity. unstoppable until it rolls right over you, and then you wake up confused and hurting, and try to forget that it ever happened. In retrospect, the idea in my head that it "just wasn't meant to be" was the ONLY thing that truly stopped this thing from becoming what I still believe it really could of been, if I hadn't been so unconscious of my own thoughts, and how fatal that ignorance was to the relationship.
I remember when the snow ball hit me, too.
We were all at my friend's apartment, and things hadn't been going well, but i was angry and frustrated at the emotional disconnection I had been feeling. I didn't know what was wrong, but i felt the relationship was about over, and that was overpowering. I was alone in one of the small bedrooms, on the verge of tears at the uncertainty of the direction between her and me. My best friend walked in, and pretty much instantly knew what was going on. We talked for several minutes, getting deeper and deeper into the real root of the issue.
"Look." he said, "do you love her? It's as simple as that. If you love her, and you think that that's difficult, i want you to imagine how you'll feel if you never tell her, because it'll be over too soon for you to try to play catch-up with your emotions."
Now, I know that you have to wait for the right moment in a relationship to get into these kinds of discussions, and admittedly thus far our little affair had been brief, but each day made me think more and more about how amazing she was, and how he was exactly what i wanted. I kept waiting for the perfect moment. I was so certain i could make this happen. It had to happen. Fate, right?
For a long time after she left, all i could think of was the taste her perfume left on my lips, and all I could picture was her smile and the spark that flashed in her eyes the first time we kissed.
You know, it was years ago; I've had to move on.. but it never really goes away. My best friend had been right. every heartbreak. every frustrated crush. every refused advance. every embarrassing moment. They're nothing. I'd live them all over again a hundred times to be able rewind time back to the beginning of the end of that love that might have been.
I've grown a lot since then.. but all else aside, a part of me just can't help thinking that THIS was the chance I had. This was that opportunity that only knocks once, and i HAD it. but i let it slide right through my fingers.
i don't have any advice to give. it's probably true that some things in life really arent feasible, and certainly dwelling on them won't bring them back. But think about it. I mean REALLY think about it before you write off love's impossibility due to 'fate'. I've heard since then from mutual friends that at the time we were seeing eachother, she felt i may very well have been the best thing that ever happened to her, and that's what really broke my heart.
she loves someone else now.