(no subject)
Filled out my residency applications today. It was happy in a way...feeling like life is moving forward and being closer to being done, to knowing where I'm headed, feeling like I've some say in the matter when in reality...I don't really. At the same time, it struck me as incredibly sad. In just 6 months, I'll open an envelope that's going to tell me where I'm moving to for the next 5 years, take it or leave it but there won't be any negotiations. My heart is tired of packing up and starting over, hoping on a better result but finding myself always on the outside. I feel like I never really belong anywhere. As I sit in my house, looking at the result of my life from the past 3 years...it's painful to know that it's going away. The happy family that we'd built is over. And that I'll again be alone in an empty apartment starting over again.
I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I'm broken somehow, missing something...but I don't know what it is or how to fix it.
I worry that Mindy will fade from my life once I move. It's never planned, but once you're gone, it's hard to stay close it seems. People live their lives and if you're not an active part of it...you get left behind aside from those once yearly calls of superficial chatter. I'm not good at keeping in touch, and I feel like I'm not really someone people think about. She said there's still a chance you'll get in here, but I feel like it won't matter. She has her own friends and a new girlfriend...and I don't really fit in that happy picture. Feels like my life is broken into segments...nothing flows from one part to the next, my friends from each era like oil and water, never mixing well and leaving me with feeling of always having to choose sides or who to leave behind. In the end, I feel as though I'm the one falling behind. Looking back over my shoulder at the people I've lost and missing them.
Sometimes I wish I'd been average. That going to the state school and getting a regular job would have been enough. Finding someone early and having a family. Everything feels like it would be so simple. Instead my head battles this feeling of failure, of never being good enough, never having done enough to be worthy of someone, never being comfortable with who I am. When do we stop, when do we take a breath and look around, find someone that can love us despite ourselves and understand our hearts and our minds?
I still love her. I feel like she truly understood me, at least my heart, enough to lift off some of it's burdens. I know that I've lost her. While I will always love her and always want her back, my heart feels resigned in defeat. When does it get better?
I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I'm broken somehow, missing something...but I don't know what it is or how to fix it.
I worry that Mindy will fade from my life once I move. It's never planned, but once you're gone, it's hard to stay close it seems. People live their lives and if you're not an active part of it...you get left behind aside from those once yearly calls of superficial chatter. I'm not good at keeping in touch, and I feel like I'm not really someone people think about. She said there's still a chance you'll get in here, but I feel like it won't matter. She has her own friends and a new girlfriend...and I don't really fit in that happy picture. Feels like my life is broken into segments...nothing flows from one part to the next, my friends from each era like oil and water, never mixing well and leaving me with feeling of always having to choose sides or who to leave behind. In the end, I feel as though I'm the one falling behind. Looking back over my shoulder at the people I've lost and missing them.
Sometimes I wish I'd been average. That going to the state school and getting a regular job would have been enough. Finding someone early and having a family. Everything feels like it would be so simple. Instead my head battles this feeling of failure, of never being good enough, never having done enough to be worthy of someone, never being comfortable with who I am. When do we stop, when do we take a breath and look around, find someone that can love us despite ourselves and understand our hearts and our minds?
I still love her. I feel like she truly understood me, at least my heart, enough to lift off some of it's burdens. I know that I've lost her. While I will always love her and always want her back, my heart feels resigned in defeat. When does it get better?