humm.
All these updates aren't cheery at all. Its kinda depressing. Life isn't exciting. Things keep happening that aren't happy. OM is fun. I love my team minus the team member that doesnt do ANYTHING. I have some good ideas. i need some balsa wood. i want this to work.
I don't really care about going to worlds. It won't change anything. And I'm kinda afraid to becuase Chris and I havent seen each other properly in ages. I mean. a month plus. which is lame of me. But he's important to me and my best friend.
BUt this isnt working sometimes. I don't think he understands that I need him. And it really is a tough decision for me to decide between my team who needs me and my boyfriend who needs me. And I said last night and today " i want my boyfriend back" and today i said " well if i go with my team you'll be pissed off and if i go with you my team will be pissed off" and he said "well they'll get over it" and then proceeded to say " well you said (mocks me) i want my boyyyfriend baaack"
Ugh. I want a nice kind boyfriend. Who understands where I am. Who can understand that I'm committed to a team and him. Who's not all me me me me me. Yes I know you have papers and work to do. I do too. I just don't tell you about them. And suprise. i'm tired too. and i'm there helping him as much as I can. Just to get shut down. I need support. I need a friend. Even if you're going through stress I am too and I need a pick me up. I want to feel beautiful again. I want to be happy! I want the supportive boyfriend who stayed up waiting till I fell asleep to go to sleep. And even then would come back to watch me sleep. It meant a lot to me. He was watching over me, protecting me. He would guard me like his most prized posession. And now i feel boring and old news. I mean I'm sure a lot of this is due to the not seeing each other. Becuase I feel like a bazillion dollars with him. But on the phone i kinda feel like hiding and giving up. He doesn't grasp that I'm ripping myself to pieces trying to devote myself to him and OM....especially when he's sometimes not devoting himself to me. idk. i dont know at all. I'm sure I'm overreatcing and stuff. This month has jsut been the worst month for me. Ever. I want someone (like chris??) to fill the void. I feel empty.
But....yea. thats whats goin on over yonder. I am rather sleepy and am considering a nap although i believe i need to study for a french quiz or something....i know i need to look something over. My grades are OK. I'm just really struggling through these practical applications of derivitives business. I understand it, it just takes me FOREVER to do. and almost a whole sheet of paper for a problem. talk about hardcore.
but tomorow danielle and i are going to the mall. I'm going to investigate size 7 pants becuase my hips feel hardcore. and i'm also going to investigate sales. and i want a pair of stilettos.
hm i'm also feeling going to tj maxx. it could be exciting.
but im only allowing myself maybe 60 dollars. idk. i feel wierd about spending money. but i want to go out and see whats out there.
hm. idk. im lost. i shouldnt buy things. i dont need them.
my dad hasnt gone to work lately. well he has when he can. but by the time i get home he's drinking beer. which isnt bad. it just seems like he's acting a little irrational. and this has been happening a lot lately which makes me angry. but if i say anything im blowing it out of proportion blah blah...idk. i give up.
i have to upload videos to youtube. we crushed again. and i took a funny video of ap theory.
so i guess i'll upload them.
i hope things start looking up come april.
becuase i dont even know if i'll get to see chris on march 24th. becuase if i go to a.) om chris will hate be or b.)work chris and om will hate me or c.) be with chris om will hate me.
i dont know what to do....i need tlc and my best friend/caring loving boyfriend who used to go out of his way to cook for me. who used to make me sit and wait for him to cook me stuff. who gave me back rubs. who used to watch me fall asleep. who used to make sure i was comfortable and happy. who used to sound like he cared about me for 5 seconds. who actually talked to me. talk....i need talk.
I'm craving for your words...always.
I don't really care about going to worlds. It won't change anything. And I'm kinda afraid to becuase Chris and I havent seen each other properly in ages. I mean. a month plus. which is lame of me. But he's important to me and my best friend.
BUt this isnt working sometimes. I don't think he understands that I need him. And it really is a tough decision for me to decide between my team who needs me and my boyfriend who needs me. And I said last night and today " i want my boyfriend back" and today i said " well if i go with my team you'll be pissed off and if i go with you my team will be pissed off" and he said "well they'll get over it" and then proceeded to say " well you said (mocks me) i want my boyyyfriend baaack"
Ugh. I want a nice kind boyfriend. Who understands where I am. Who can understand that I'm committed to a team and him. Who's not all me me me me me. Yes I know you have papers and work to do. I do too. I just don't tell you about them. And suprise. i'm tired too. and i'm there helping him as much as I can. Just to get shut down. I need support. I need a friend. Even if you're going through stress I am too and I need a pick me up. I want to feel beautiful again. I want to be happy! I want the supportive boyfriend who stayed up waiting till I fell asleep to go to sleep. And even then would come back to watch me sleep. It meant a lot to me. He was watching over me, protecting me. He would guard me like his most prized posession. And now i feel boring and old news. I mean I'm sure a lot of this is due to the not seeing each other. Becuase I feel like a bazillion dollars with him. But on the phone i kinda feel like hiding and giving up. He doesn't grasp that I'm ripping myself to pieces trying to devote myself to him and OM....especially when he's sometimes not devoting himself to me. idk. i dont know at all. I'm sure I'm overreatcing and stuff. This month has jsut been the worst month for me. Ever. I want someone (like chris??) to fill the void. I feel empty.
But....yea. thats whats goin on over yonder. I am rather sleepy and am considering a nap although i believe i need to study for a french quiz or something....i know i need to look something over. My grades are OK. I'm just really struggling through these practical applications of derivitives business. I understand it, it just takes me FOREVER to do. and almost a whole sheet of paper for a problem. talk about hardcore.
but tomorow danielle and i are going to the mall. I'm going to investigate size 7 pants becuase my hips feel hardcore. and i'm also going to investigate sales. and i want a pair of stilettos.
hm i'm also feeling going to tj maxx. it could be exciting.
but im only allowing myself maybe 60 dollars. idk. i feel wierd about spending money. but i want to go out and see whats out there.
hm. idk. im lost. i shouldnt buy things. i dont need them.
my dad hasnt gone to work lately. well he has when he can. but by the time i get home he's drinking beer. which isnt bad. it just seems like he's acting a little irrational. and this has been happening a lot lately which makes me angry. but if i say anything im blowing it out of proportion blah blah...idk. i give up.
i have to upload videos to youtube. we crushed again. and i took a funny video of ap theory.
so i guess i'll upload them.
i hope things start looking up come april.
becuase i dont even know if i'll get to see chris on march 24th. becuase if i go to a.) om chris will hate be or b.)work chris and om will hate me or c.) be with chris om will hate me.
i dont know what to do....i need tlc and my best friend/caring loving boyfriend who used to go out of his way to cook for me. who used to make me sit and wait for him to cook me stuff. who gave me back rubs. who used to watch me fall asleep. who used to make sure i was comfortable and happy. who used to sound like he cared about me for 5 seconds. who actually talked to me. talk....i need talk.
I'm craving for your words...always.