Sorry..i'm back
So I can't stop thinking about this weekend and everything it entailed. My only solution at this point is to talk about it, or in this case...type about it.
I went home this weekend for a number of reasons..one mainly was to spend Valentine's Day with Brian. I knew deep down it wasn't a good idea, I did. But around 11:00 I ended up over at his place. Lee, Jonathan, Chris and Dustin were over there. We played about 10 games of Foosball and drank Sake screwdrivers. It was fun. Of course around 5:00 in the morning, everyone was gone and Brian and I were sitting on the couch. His house was freezing..and that means that it was extremely because I was shivering and I am never cold! So we were cuddling under a blanket trying to warm me up. Then out of left field, Brian says "Time for bed" and grabs my hand. Okay..first off, what a way to take the romance out of it! So we go to bed and things are great. I am not so cold anymore. But I was so nervous about everything and anything. We kissed and talked and then things got weird. All the sudden I felt like I was just going through the motions. I felt so awful. Here I am with this guy that I absolutely adore but I just knew deep down it wasn't right. And I wanted it to be right..oh how I wanted it to be right. And all I could think about was how much longer do I have to stay here and I wondered if he had had any other girls in his bed. You shouldn't think that!! I should be able to trust him...but I can't. And I want to trust him. I want him to be the guy I knew two years ago...innocent, honest, genuine. But he isn't. He is a mere corpse of the a guy I loved. And I can't seem to escape the strong hold he has over me because I am living with that illusion of the man he used to be, holding just as tight to the hope that that man will return and this guy in front will transform and be all that I want. I want him to be the one. I want him back. But I know deep down inside me that that isn't going happen and I just can't let go. And for a shining moment every once and awhile I will catch a glimpse of him and smile. But that smile quickly gets whiped away by the tears that consume me when the ghost slips away. What do you do when you are in love with the ghost of someone you used to know?
I know I should say goodbye and walk away, but something keeps me hanging on and I don't know what. I don't know why and even if I did, would it really matter? I know it wouldn't change the way I feel.
I went home this weekend for a number of reasons..one mainly was to spend Valentine's Day with Brian. I knew deep down it wasn't a good idea, I did. But around 11:00 I ended up over at his place. Lee, Jonathan, Chris and Dustin were over there. We played about 10 games of Foosball and drank Sake screwdrivers. It was fun. Of course around 5:00 in the morning, everyone was gone and Brian and I were sitting on the couch. His house was freezing..and that means that it was extremely because I was shivering and I am never cold! So we were cuddling under a blanket trying to warm me up. Then out of left field, Brian says "Time for bed" and grabs my hand. Okay..first off, what a way to take the romance out of it! So we go to bed and things are great. I am not so cold anymore. But I was so nervous about everything and anything. We kissed and talked and then things got weird. All the sudden I felt like I was just going through the motions. I felt so awful. Here I am with this guy that I absolutely adore but I just knew deep down it wasn't right. And I wanted it to be right..oh how I wanted it to be right. And all I could think about was how much longer do I have to stay here and I wondered if he had had any other girls in his bed. You shouldn't think that!! I should be able to trust him...but I can't. And I want to trust him. I want him to be the guy I knew two years ago...innocent, honest, genuine. But he isn't. He is a mere corpse of the a guy I loved. And I can't seem to escape the strong hold he has over me because I am living with that illusion of the man he used to be, holding just as tight to the hope that that man will return and this guy in front will transform and be all that I want. I want him to be the one. I want him back. But I know deep down inside me that that isn't going happen and I just can't let go. And for a shining moment every once and awhile I will catch a glimpse of him and smile. But that smile quickly gets whiped away by the tears that consume me when the ghost slips away. What do you do when you are in love with the ghost of someone you used to know?
I know I should say goodbye and walk away, but something keeps me hanging on and I don't know what. I don't know why and even if I did, would it really matter? I know it wouldn't change the way I feel.