sigh...
It's really late, cant sleep, and finding more out about myself than I think I want to know. I have realized that I think I keep myself from being happy, I make myself the door mat to others, and I dont do what I want I do what others expect.
Wierd how the last few months of *ehem* past boy and my relationship all that time I fealt like a booty call...now I have turned it into and ACTUAL booty call. No more of that! I dont know what the hell I was thinking with that one, I just end up feeling dirty and used...worthless...aborted....a failure. Now I find myself just being ignored (most likely because of symetrical feelings of the above mensioned icky-ness), shitty as it is....it's better that way...bad relationships are meant to end without contact.
I am trying to rekindle old friendships from high school as well, as it turns out I was actually missed, and I think actually truely genuenly missed. And it feels odd, I'm probably wrong about it but for the time being it's nice to be wanted. I have realized as well that I am not into any relationship right now. All I want is casual dating. With that in mind, I have met mr. muscle. His name is not to be disclosed, but I foresee many drunken fun nights ahead. A guy that actually gets my jokes and doesn't have any want for a relationship so I have no pressure to give him that kind of committment...first though I need to at least get the nerve to call him without the underlying feeling of "I dont want him to think that I want a relationship because I am calling to see what he's up to on saturday"...ya I'm retarded but it's just the way I am. Boy is 27, 6 foot something tall, VERY MUSCLEY (sp), funny, and very hansome...definetely a guy I could take out and have fun with. I have FINALLY FINALLY, figured out how to look for Mr. Right-now, instead of being a stupid girl looking for Mr. Right. Who has time for that anyway?
oh well, going to try and go to bed...maybe...
Wierd how the last few months of *ehem* past boy and my relationship all that time I fealt like a booty call...now I have turned it into and ACTUAL booty call. No more of that! I dont know what the hell I was thinking with that one, I just end up feeling dirty and used...worthless...aborted....a failure. Now I find myself just being ignored (most likely because of symetrical feelings of the above mensioned icky-ness), shitty as it is....it's better that way...bad relationships are meant to end without contact.
I am trying to rekindle old friendships from high school as well, as it turns out I was actually missed, and I think actually truely genuenly missed. And it feels odd, I'm probably wrong about it but for the time being it's nice to be wanted. I have realized as well that I am not into any relationship right now. All I want is casual dating. With that in mind, I have met mr. muscle. His name is not to be disclosed, but I foresee many drunken fun nights ahead. A guy that actually gets my jokes and doesn't have any want for a relationship so I have no pressure to give him that kind of committment...first though I need to at least get the nerve to call him without the underlying feeling of "I dont want him to think that I want a relationship because I am calling to see what he's up to on saturday"...ya I'm retarded but it's just the way I am. Boy is 27, 6 foot something tall, VERY MUSCLEY (sp), funny, and very hansome...definetely a guy I could take out and have fun with. I have FINALLY FINALLY, figured out how to look for Mr. Right-now, instead of being a stupid girl looking for Mr. Right. Who has time for that anyway?
oh well, going to try and go to bed...maybe...