Marriage
I love him, don't misunderstand, I will never leave him. But he will probably leave me someday. We rushed into this very quickly, no one said it to our faces, I'm sure the majority of them did say it behind our backs though. 11 months of dating, no prior friendship, and we got married. We took the leap of faith. Knowing what both believed, knowing before we met each other we thought marriage was dumb, knowing we wanted to stop worrying about questioning where the relationship was going and just live our lives. We did it.
But sometimes I wonder, I admit that. Did we leap too soon? As I said, I will never leave him. That's not what my wondering means. What it means is, we don't know how to communicate with each other. I know I am to blame for many many things but I really think he is the main reason things get blown out of control. The simplest statement can send him into incredible anger, and once he is angry there is no talking about it. There is just silence and him leaving me to get away from me.
I cry very easily, I know that, but at the same time, it's very frustrating knowing that we can't talk about our problems. We just let a cool down period happen and then ignore it. On a rare occasion we will bring it up a few days later to discuss, but not often enough.
This is a very difficult marriage. It makes sense that I would have put myself in it, I've always love to struggle. My love for the struggle is why I gave up my journalism major and switched to music. My love for the struggle is why I won't play popular music and insist on being edgy/avant garde/offensive to the ears at times. And so I married a man as broken as myself.
He has been miserable since we moved here, like I was when we moved to Vegas. I don't know if it's the place like it was for me? I keep trying to suggest things for us to get out of the house to do. Or try to get him to make music with or without me. But he is depressed and unmotivated and I can't change/help/fix it for him. That's where this fight started. With me wanting to help.
I don't recognize the signs. When I have offended him he doesn't tell me. When I'm annoying him and keep badgering I have no idea I am annoying him in the first place. And then it gets too far and he finally tells me, but by then it's too late. He needs several hours to stop being angry. Angry as an overreaction to something small. I know it is all triggered from something else and not typically my fault for the most part, but I can still send him to that place without realizing.
He doesn't hurt me physically, just so we're clear. He just leaves me. And that is why, I pretty much know, someday he will leave me for good. He promised he wouldn't, he knows my history, but I don't think he really knew what he was getting in for with me. I'm a fucking nag. I can't just let him wallow, I want to help, and that isn't what he wants. I'm not getting any better at this.
But sometimes I wonder, I admit that. Did we leap too soon? As I said, I will never leave him. That's not what my wondering means. What it means is, we don't know how to communicate with each other. I know I am to blame for many many things but I really think he is the main reason things get blown out of control. The simplest statement can send him into incredible anger, and once he is angry there is no talking about it. There is just silence and him leaving me to get away from me.
I cry very easily, I know that, but at the same time, it's very frustrating knowing that we can't talk about our problems. We just let a cool down period happen and then ignore it. On a rare occasion we will bring it up a few days later to discuss, but not often enough.
This is a very difficult marriage. It makes sense that I would have put myself in it, I've always love to struggle. My love for the struggle is why I gave up my journalism major and switched to music. My love for the struggle is why I won't play popular music and insist on being edgy/avant garde/offensive to the ears at times. And so I married a man as broken as myself.
He has been miserable since we moved here, like I was when we moved to Vegas. I don't know if it's the place like it was for me? I keep trying to suggest things for us to get out of the house to do. Or try to get him to make music with or without me. But he is depressed and unmotivated and I can't change/help/fix it for him. That's where this fight started. With me wanting to help.
I don't recognize the signs. When I have offended him he doesn't tell me. When I'm annoying him and keep badgering I have no idea I am annoying him in the first place. And then it gets too far and he finally tells me, but by then it's too late. He needs several hours to stop being angry. Angry as an overreaction to something small. I know it is all triggered from something else and not typically my fault for the most part, but I can still send him to that place without realizing.
He doesn't hurt me physically, just so we're clear. He just leaves me. And that is why, I pretty much know, someday he will leave me for good. He promised he wouldn't, he knows my history, but I don't think he really knew what he was getting in for with me. I'm a fucking nag. I can't just let him wallow, I want to help, and that isn't what he wants. I'm not getting any better at this.