012.
i sat here and backspaced about four thousand times. i want to go, i don't. you know what? i have to do whats best for me. my dad's dicked me over pretty badly in the last year with shit. like depeding basically upon myself. now it's his turn to be alone like i've felt. i don't know how i'm going to get this money. i'll probably just ask my mom. she did agree to me going away, even if it's not idealistic for her at all. ia hve to go. i do. and i am going into this knowing KNOWING that my feelings will only go strogner with steve and that i fucking won't be able to date him anymore, but i just have to go say hello, or at least a goodbye and a real one at that. i love him, really, i do. we never said goodbye we just said see you later. i forget what movei that was in but i remember seeing it and crying like a fucking baby. i feel the need to cry right now. ebing all alone at night makes me so hate being me. and NO ONE EVEN UNDERSTANDS WHAT ITS LIKE TO FEEL SO ALONE. or like, idk .. like. i am surrounded by people here but i still feel like i am the only person in a room. i guess everyone just htinks i'm crazy. sometimes i know lynzy talks about how weird i tend to get. i notice it too. i notice how spaced out i become or how hollow i feel. i remember cutting when my dad left and the way that stupid blade dug right into my flesh and revealed the blood. then i remember my mom bursting into the room telling me how fucking stupid i was and she basically cleaned me up. we were both crying. i miss her motherly instict to care or at least be there. i think that's why i love steve so much - because even before we were dating he'd listen hed fucking take the time to call me over just to watch tv or play on his playstation. not one of my other friends considers my feelings when i'm alone. we all just do our own thing. but steve. no. he was different and he always has been. he was the first person i ever told about that night i cut. that was the only time i did then because later that night i walked into the family room and my mom was balling her eyes out and looking at old pictures of me and her and my dad. i fucking hated seeing my mother a mess like that and i thought it was all my fault. it's not my fault she's a mess and it's not her fault i am either i'm just really bad with pinning the blame on anythign except other people. and my amount of trust for other people is shot. after steve left i really felt like i had no one. no one who really knows the real me. and amy is too fucking young to udnerstand she just doesn't get it. i'm going and i don't konw if i'll come back. steve lives by himself out there (he's 22) so maybe i could start a life out there? either way i'll be gone for about a week. later.