(no subject)
*blink* So much has happened today. The amount of stress i'm under is unbelieveable. I am going to have a nervous breakdown before the end of the school year (20 days til the formal, 19 til graduation).. I cannot wait to leave that place. *jumps up and down anxiously*
I found out today why I didnt get anywhere in the webdesign competition that I had been so eager about for so long. *blinks* :( They disqualified me for... *choke* get this; plagerism. They think that I copied everything on my site from someone else. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT! ugh. it makes me sick in the stomach just thinking about that. I spent more than 3 long months working on that site, perfecting it (as can be seen HERE) and ugh. if a band thinks my designs good enough to use as their official website, why the fuck cant a PATHETIC local organisation see that i tried so hard on it? FUCK YOU MAX. FUCK YOU FOR NOT TRUSTING ME. there is nothing more painful than knowing some stranger thought i was so low. really, its fucking painful.
on the other hand, i was whinging to scott (yum. new boy. i like. :) heh) and showed him the site.. ha. silly me forgot that it is hosted on my webserver, and therefore because he is not stupid -- he found my website. The same website that holds everything personal and dear to me, that i dont let people who know the real life me read, with 2 exceptions. *growl* i feel awful. he knows the whole truth. everything. yet he still swears that he loves me just as much. how can i hold myself back from such a charmer?! ugh. but i feel akward because now i cannot whinge about the situation between myself & him in there, nor the situation with myself & chris.. because they BOTH read it. SO. bring on livejournal.com!! =x
Chris wants me. I dont blame him :D lol but i think i have fallen out of love (?) if its possible. I have such strong feelings for scott, almost as if they came out of nowhere and i know he feels the same way. *growl* EXCEPT. my bestfriend is on chris's side, because she hates scott. she thinks he just wants sex. she isnt willing to give him a chance. so i am kind of stuck. do i please the friends, and lose scott for good by blocking him from my life completely -- OR do i follow my gut instinct at the moment, and what i would say is my heart telling me to do, and go with scott and just pray that my friends (and chris) come around and learn to forgive me.
i dont want to hurt anybody. so rather im being hurt, and 2 boys are being lead on. i dont know what to do or say because i have feelings for both. and when im with one, the other seems unimportant. and. oh fuck i do not know. when im with chris, i think about scott. but i also miss chris. when im with scott i dont think about chris at all. i just enjoy every moment i spend with him as though it could be the last, and i cannot get the smile from my face. im so fucking confused, and with all the stress of school i have never been so suicidal as i have found myself this last week.
speaking of school, my major artwork is due. tomorrow. and ive been sick this week so it is nowhere near finished and i am well & truely freaking out right about now. =) i have had 4 coffees tonight, each with 2 teaspoons of coffee in them, and 4 of sugar. I'm hoping that will keep me awake long enough to sort some of this work out, and get some things done. Or atleast, thats what i'm hoping for. =\\\
I found out today why I didnt get anywhere in the webdesign competition that I had been so eager about for so long. *blinks* :( They disqualified me for... *choke* get this; plagerism. They think that I copied everything on my site from someone else. HOW PATHETIC IS THAT! ugh. it makes me sick in the stomach just thinking about that. I spent more than 3 long months working on that site, perfecting it (as can be seen HERE) and ugh. if a band thinks my designs good enough to use as their official website, why the fuck cant a PATHETIC local organisation see that i tried so hard on it? FUCK YOU MAX. FUCK YOU FOR NOT TRUSTING ME. there is nothing more painful than knowing some stranger thought i was so low. really, its fucking painful.
on the other hand, i was whinging to scott (yum. new boy. i like. :) heh) and showed him the site.. ha. silly me forgot that it is hosted on my webserver, and therefore because he is not stupid -- he found my website. The same website that holds everything personal and dear to me, that i dont let people who know the real life me read, with 2 exceptions. *growl* i feel awful. he knows the whole truth. everything. yet he still swears that he loves me just as much. how can i hold myself back from such a charmer?! ugh. but i feel akward because now i cannot whinge about the situation between myself & him in there, nor the situation with myself & chris.. because they BOTH read it. SO. bring on livejournal.com!! =x
Chris wants me. I dont blame him :D lol but i think i have fallen out of love (?) if its possible. I have such strong feelings for scott, almost as if they came out of nowhere and i know he feels the same way. *growl* EXCEPT. my bestfriend is on chris's side, because she hates scott. she thinks he just wants sex. she isnt willing to give him a chance. so i am kind of stuck. do i please the friends, and lose scott for good by blocking him from my life completely -- OR do i follow my gut instinct at the moment, and what i would say is my heart telling me to do, and go with scott and just pray that my friends (and chris) come around and learn to forgive me.
i dont want to hurt anybody. so rather im being hurt, and 2 boys are being lead on. i dont know what to do or say because i have feelings for both. and when im with one, the other seems unimportant. and. oh fuck i do not know. when im with chris, i think about scott. but i also miss chris. when im with scott i dont think about chris at all. i just enjoy every moment i spend with him as though it could be the last, and i cannot get the smile from my face. im so fucking confused, and with all the stress of school i have never been so suicidal as i have found myself this last week.
speaking of school, my major artwork is due. tomorrow. and ive been sick this week so it is nowhere near finished and i am well & truely freaking out right about now. =) i have had 4 coffees tonight, each with 2 teaspoons of coffee in them, and 4 of sugar. I'm hoping that will keep me awake long enough to sort some of this work out, and get some things done. Or atleast, thats what i'm hoping for. =\\\