CM recap for "Into The Woods" - In which a guest makes an appearance.
It's about time I posted this.
I'm such a horrible procrastinator. Still, I couldn't just let this recap fall by the wayside, because it marks the first new CM episode that I actually watched on VHS!!! Honest to God. Wait, let me back up for a second.
This epidose aired like... what... three months ago? Ugh... shameful, Jo. Anyway, three months ago I was at my aunt's house in NS, and I was unfortunately not able to watch TV on Wednesday night because I had to do the family-visiting rounds. Just when I thought I'd have to wait and catch the episode online when I came back to Vancouver, my aunt saved the day by telling me that I could use her VCR to record it! So, using my "I've-still-got-it" VCR programming skillz (the X-files trained me well), I somehow managed to figure out how to set the damn thing so that it would tape CM at 9 o'clock. Once the fate of my show was safe in the hands of my aunt's archaic recording device, I was able to happily skip off to go visit my other relatives.
Next day at around 6pm: I hesitantly checked the tape, fully prepared to hurl it dramatically across the room with a mournful cry should the VCR have accidentally recorded "Elegant & Affordable Faux Furs Hour" on the Shopping Channel or something equally painful and insulting (apparently they LOVE TSC in Cape Breton. It's on... like, three channels 24/7. But I digress). Luckily for said VCR (and, more importantly, for ME) the episode was 100% intact.
Just as I'm settling down to enjoy the show, my mother walks in the room.
-Mom: "What are you watching?"
-Me: "Remember all those reruns we watched in Toronto?"
-Mom: "The psychopath show?"
-Me: "Well..."
-Mom: "The one with the guy who wears his watch like me?"
-Me: "Yeah, that--"
-Mom: "The one where they fired the pretty Canadian girl in the sixth season?"
-Me: "She wasn't really fired per-se--"
-Mom: "The one where Meryl Streep's sister from that Julia Child movie plays one of the characters' moms?"
-Me: "Well... yeah, but I only mentioned that because you said you recognized her from Gle--"
-Mom: "The one where the dark-haired guy's wife used to be on that other show with that kid who went to high school with your friend Stephanie's older brother's gym teacher?"
-Me: "Uh..."
... okay so my mom didn't actually say all of that, but she DID know what show I was talking about after I mentioned Toronto. This made-up conversation exits simply to prove that I talk about CM too much around my friends and family, both online and in RL. To an embarassing degree, it seems. To further prove this point, I present this post as well as this text message sent to me last week by my sister.
Anyway, getting back to my point... in reality my mother probably just said something like: "Mind if I join you?"
Now, if this same question had been asked by my father, the answer would have been, "HELL YES, I MIND. BE GONE WITH THEE!" My father has been known to ruin many a show for me (and my entire family) with his extremely vocal (and unpetitioned) sarcasm. But my mom is cool, so I patted the couch cushion next to me, and thus began my first experience of watching a brand new CM episode with another person present.
Oh, and one last thing before I start. I have to paint the full picture here. The TV that we watched this episode on looks pretty much exactly like this one:
You tell 'em, Annie!
My aunt's is actually a 1977 model RCA (I asked her, and was slightly surprised that she could remember the exact year she bought it). The remote control is about the size of a football, and when you turn the TV off, there's a little blob of green light approx the size of a quarter that lingers in the centre of the screen for about 15 minutes before it gradually fades away.
I felt like I'd travelled back in time, which would've actually been rather appropriate for the PREVIOUS episode ("Reflection of Desire"), but this week it was "Into The Woods". So here you have it!
This episode begins (appropriately) in the woods. Gotta love the whole "ambiguous dark, ominous figure darts past the foreground" creep-out shot. This totally reminds me of "Detour", which is one of my top-5 favourite stand-alone X-files episodes of ALL TIME.
I know, I haven't even gotten past my first point yet, and I'm already picspamming X-files. This hasn't exactly gotten off to a the greatest of starts.
So the family is taking a nice, creepy midnight hike through some unfamiliar woods. Sounds like the perfect recipe for murder fun.
The mom hears something rustling. Did you hear that?
Qu'est-ce que c'est? Psycho killer? Fa fa fa faaa fa fa f--
Ah, never mind... it's just a bear. No worries. Wait... WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY RELIEVED!????? It's a goddamned BEAR. It's never a relief to stumble across a BEAR in the middle of the woods. Never.
The dad decides to take a stroll over to where the bear was digging around in the dirt (naturally... that'd be the FIRST thing I'd do), while his wife and kid stand there looking totally non-terrified about the fact that a FUCKING BEAR JUST WANDERED OFF INTO THE WOODS NOT 10 FEET FROM WHERE YOU'RE STANDING. How are they not completely shitting themselves?
Turns out the bear was digging up the skeleton of a 10-year-old boy. Garcia's got the boy's pic up on the overhead projector, so we know that at least ONE member of Hiking Family #1 escaped the razor-sharp claws of that bear and was able to inform the FBI. Well, that puts my mind at ease.
Something about the unsub wrapping bodies in plastic and "bonding with the boy". I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Now we're introduced to Hiking Family #2: Mom, Dad, Brother, and Sister. I already feel bad for Brother and Sister, because we know this week's unsub likes kids, and their parents have just sent them out into the woods alone to search for firewood.
These children need to know that an armful of sticks isn't going to be sufficient if they need to fend off a bear. And yes, there ARE bears. And why isn't anyone more aware of and/or concerned about this fact? Everybody knows how bears feel about children lighting fires in the woods...
Surprisingly, the children aren't even approached (by Smokey or the unsub), but they are blatantly, ominously stalked by our good friend Mr. Shapeless-Skulking-Figure-In-The-Distance.
-My mother: *groans* "I don't like watching shows where kids get abducted. Why are their parents letting them roam around by themselves in the woods?"
-Me: "You used to let Erin and I take turns skidding down the hill behind Nana's house wearing Dad's rollerblades... and we didn't even have helmets."
-Mom: "Oh, please. I would never have given you permission to do that!"
-Me: "But you didn't stop us either."
Anyway, these kids (unlike my sister and I, who - at ages 7 and 10 respectively - were surprisingly adept at maneuvering past telephone poles at top speed in men's size 12 rollerblades) are doomed. I don't think the writers could make this fact more obvious if they tried...
Opening Credits - Opening Credits - Opening Credits - Opening Credits
We join the team on their G6, where they be gettin' so fly. They're not poppin' any bottles yet, but I'm fairly certain they only do this when we're not watching.
Hotch, Prentiss, and Rossi are all sporting some sweet casual wear for a change. Morgan... well, Morgan always looks casual. And then there's Reid. I can already tell that this is going to be one of those "Reid stays behind at the police station while everyone else frolics in the field" episodes. Also, I feel like I can now add polar fleece pull-overs to the ever-growing list of clothing items that I assume never have, and probably never will see the inside of Reid's dresser drawers (along with jeans, matching socks, and anything with a zipper and/or hood).
At the Ranger's station, Hotch, Rossi, and Reid meet... the Ranger. I'm just going to call him Ranger, because I clearly don't like learning peoples' names (just ask Mom, Dad, Brother, and Sister).
Reid gives his usual greeting,
and then steers himself almost magnetically over to the Map Table, where I'm sure he'll spend 90% of his time this episode.
Hotch!! You're looking good in that outdoorsy-gear, I must say.
Same with Morgan and Prentiss, though Morgan looks more like he belongs on a motorcycle than in the woods, but whatever. He rocks the leather.
-Prentiss: "He abducts the children in the fall and keeps them all winter."
-Morgan: "It's like he's hibernating with them."
I knew it!!!! It's the goddamned bear...
This next scene has contributed several further points to my "Brother and Sister are doomed" hypothesis:
1)They're not sleeping in the same tent as their parents
2)Sister needs to go to the bathroom
3)Brother tells her that she needs to venture deep into the forest to gain access to an Optimal Peeing Location.
4)Did I mention it's night time? It's night time.
5)That surly looking bearded guy in the plaid jacket has his hand over Sister's mouth.
Oh hai, Reid! Don't worry, I didn't forget about you... all alone back at the Ranger's station with your little compass, red sharpie pen, sticky post-it arrows, and trusty map. Just because you didn't get to go shopping for a fleece pullover this week doesn't mean you can't still be useful.
Unsub has a creepy underground cave complete with Child Cage in which Brother and Sister find themselves imprisoned along with several abused-looking toys. Unsub also has a limp. This will hopefully work to the childrens' advantage later on.
Sister asks, "What's he going to do to us?" and "Whose toys are these?" and I want to cry.
Hotch is interviewing Mother and Father, who tell us that the kids wanted their own tent, and so they let them sleep alone. I want Hotch to give Father a palm to the forehead... like in one of those "coulda had a V8" commercials. Dude, Kids want all kinds of things that aren't safe for them. When I was ten I wanted rollerblades, but I wasn't allowed to get them because they were too dangerous. You're their PARENTS! You're supposed to deny them these things! That's how it works. Sure, they'll pout and cry and say they hate you, but the important thing is that they don't ultimately get abducted by gimpy lumberjack pedophiles... so everyone ends up happy (except for the lumberjack).
Where the heck does Reid get all these stats from? The FBI should have him writing multiple-choice questions for the Academy tests: If 2 children and a serial killer with a limp leave Pennsylvania at 9pm traveling 2mph, and one of the children is discarded at 10pm, how big should the diameter of your red-sharpie compass circle be on this map of the Appalachian Trail?
a)8 inches
b)25 centimetres
c)marshmallow
d)infinity
e)all of the above
-Unsub (to Brother): "Come with me. I want to show you something." I can't... ugh. Please, let this not be what I think it is.
And we're back with Reid... who apparently mumbles to himself as he colours. Y'know Reid, as someone who's borderline schizophrenic, you might want to ixnay the whole "talking to yourself" thing. It doesn't look good. *pets*
OH NO! *whimpers* Brother looks severely disturbed/stunned as he's led back to the cage. NOT GOOD.
Brother pretends to have to go to the bathroom in order to crack Unsub in the leg with a piece of wood, allowing Sister to escape. This scene is extremely intense, but I could barely concentrate on it, as my mother was sitting next to me on the very edge of the sofa screaming, "RUN! RUN! YES! GET HIM IN THE LEG! RUN!!!!"
Prentiss finds Anna, which is Sister's real name. I know this because the search party has been yelling it over and over for the past 15 minutes.
This was the point in the episode where my mother just started going crazy yelling at the television. As the unsub pulls Robert to the ground with Hotch and the dogs only a few yards away, it seems like the case might be solved sooner rather than later. But no. Unsub puts his HAND over Robert's mouth, and my mother calmly attempts to remind Robert that he can scream through someone's hand and still be heard. Why isn't he screaming? Jo? Why? He should just scream. They'd hear him. The killer wouldn't be able to get away fast enough. He doesn't even have a gun, does he? Why doesn't the little boy scream? SCREAM!!!!!
Reid identifies some dried-up flowers in a ziploc bag as natural painkillers based on THIS cell phone photo:
All I can say is... daaaaamn that boy is a genius. From the looks of it, he and I have almost the exact same cell phone (except mine is pink... and Reid WISHES his was pink), and I can barely identify my mom's dog on that phone's display. I believe it's... like... 0.8 megapixels. Eeeeeyeah.
Also, it looks like Prentiss is sending Reid this info from a 1-(604) number, which is a Vancouver area code. Hmm... I kinda want to try calling this number and see who answers.
Okay, I called it.
It's just an automated message for MagicJack that asks me to leave a message. I'm tempted to leave a voicemail for Prentiss asking her exactly how she's affiliated with MagicJack... but I think I've already taken this a bit too far.
Moving on...
Unsub takes Robert through the lobby of a hotel and up the stairs.
-My mother: "SCREAM! SCREAM! WHY ISN'T HE SCREAMING!? THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE!"
Oh, shit! The unsub isn't even the pedophile! His DEALER is!
Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. *hides head*
Garcia somehow brilliantly finds out that a dozen or so of the possible suspects all live at the same address, and Prentiss makes me actually laugh out loud as she hesitantly suggests, "a... cluster of pervs?" That was ace delivery, Ms. Brewster.
Nevermind. Original Unsub AND his dealer are both pedophiles. Apparently they both belong to the cluster. This episode is making me never want to have children. D:
Ugh, the dealer is sooooo skeezy. And now the child is unconscious. *sobs*
Lol. The slumlord tells Prentiss and Morgan not to make a mess. Actually, that place is pretty swank as far as slums go. It looks nicer than the apartment building I lived in when I was going to university...
Oh-Ho! The door's locked! You know what that means!
Go go Gadget Morgan foot! If I were playing any number of Criminal Minds drinking games, I'd be chugging my beer right now:
The BAU are SO CLOSE to finding this pervert, whom the child has outsmarted (thank God) with his clever little unconsciousness-fakeout.
Robert runs and runs and runs, and my mom continues to (calmly, serenely) remind him that he should SCREAM! THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR! THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU! SCREAM, LITTLE BOY! SCREAM! AUUGHH! NO! I CAN'T WATCH!
The dealer-unsub catches up with the boy, and my mother actually covers her face with her hands and moans. Honest to God. You can't make this shit up. At this moment, Into the Woods officially tops the list of "most intense experiences I've ever had watching an episode of CM"... and I blame this fact entirely on my lovely viewing companion.
BUT... Morgan and Prentiss manage to save the boy anyway, and I use the brief moment wherein my mother's gaze is still temporarily averted to slip a chill-pill into her Heineken.
Spence is still at the Ranger station, but is now sporting his very best Sadface. Well, maybe not his VERY best, but close.
The unsub got away!?? What!?? Well, that.... rarely ever happens. Do I sense another George Foyet or Karl Arnold in the making? Hmmm...
:'( Reid's voice sounds so pitiful when he returns the sweater to Daniel's father. As I've mentioned before, MGG needs to get some sort of award for his "I'm this close to crying" voice. He nails it every time.
I enjoy the strange sort of duality at the end of this episode, when Morgan looks at the reunited Hiking Family #2 and says, "How often does that happen?" and Rossi replies, "Not often enough." Yet, the killer got AWAY. How often does THAT happen? It's like the best possible scenario (both kids are found alive) and the worst possible scenario (the killer escapes police) both occur in the same episode. Hmmm...
Meanwhile, back on the G6...
The atmosphere is... strangely quiet. Rossi tries to cheer everyone up by reminding us that very few child abduction cases result in the kids being returned to their parents - that this case was a success.
...But everyone looks so forlorn. Prentiss just stares off into space, and Reid quietly plays with his shoelace, both completely ignorant of the fact that the in-flight movie has just started right behind their heads there (and based on my experience with air travel, it's probably something delightfully uplifting like a chick-flick, or a comedy featuring talking animals). This silence is disconcerting.
And Hotch, in all his infinite wisdom and glory, looketh upon his despondent flock, and sayeth unto them: "We'll get him."
Hear that? Hotch said it's gonna be okay. Hotch said it. Everybody cheer the #%$@ up.
But really, I find myself feeling equally satisfied and unsatisfied by the "resolution" we're given in this episode. I guess that's kind of the point, though... especially if the plan is to bring this unsub back in the future.
What do you guys think? Will they bring back Steve... Shawn... SHANE. That's it! Sorry. So will they bring him back? I'm going to say no, just because I think that the writers are simply using this episode to prove a point: Sometimes the bad guys get away. That's life. And it sucks.
Well, on that sunshiny note, I'm out. Hopefully I can get a few more of these done in the near future. Falling behind isn't something that I usually deal with very well (in that I allow myself to keep falling further and further behind until I give up completely) so I might skip past a few of the episodes in order to get "caught up" (nobody really cares if I recap "25 To Life" anyway, right? I mean... Hotch certainly doesn't care). Perhaps I'll even see if I can get some more guest stars to (unwittingly) appear in my future reaction-reacaps (we know my sister's watching CM! Perhaps she'd be willing to volunteer). Then you guys can be treated to more wonderful conversations such as this (which took place - conveniently enough - as the credits were rolling on this very episode):
-My Mom: "Which one was the Canadian girl?"
-Me: "She isn't on the show anymore, remember? I already told you about that."
-Mom: "Did they replace her again this time?"
-Me: "What do you mean?"
-Mom: "Last night we watched one of the older episodes, and she was played by a different actress."
-Me: "Mom, she was always played by the same actress."
-Mom: "The blonde one?"
-Me: "Yes. A.J. Cook. She's from Ontario."
-Mom: "No, she's not the same girl that played her in that old episode. They changed the actress."
-Me: "I swear to you, mom... it's the same girl."
-Mom: "But in the newer episodes she has bangs."
-Me: .................... *epic facepalm*
Awesome logic, Mom. That must mean that they've changed the actor who plays Reid about twelve times now, right?
*slow, dramatic applause*
I'm such a horrible procrastinator. Still, I couldn't just let this recap fall by the wayside, because it marks the first new CM episode that I actually watched on VHS!!! Honest to God. Wait, let me back up for a second.
This epidose aired like... what... three months ago? Ugh... shameful, Jo. Anyway, three months ago I was at my aunt's house in NS, and I was unfortunately not able to watch TV on Wednesday night because I had to do the family-visiting rounds. Just when I thought I'd have to wait and catch the episode online when I came back to Vancouver, my aunt saved the day by telling me that I could use her VCR to record it! So, using my "I've-still-got-it" VCR programming skillz (the X-files trained me well), I somehow managed to figure out how to set the damn thing so that it would tape CM at 9 o'clock. Once the fate of my show was safe in the hands of my aunt's archaic recording device, I was able to happily skip off to go visit my other relatives.
Next day at around 6pm: I hesitantly checked the tape, fully prepared to hurl it dramatically across the room with a mournful cry should the VCR have accidentally recorded "Elegant & Affordable Faux Furs Hour" on the Shopping Channel or something equally painful and insulting (apparently they LOVE TSC in Cape Breton. It's on... like, three channels 24/7. But I digress). Luckily for said VCR (and, more importantly, for ME) the episode was 100% intact.
Just as I'm settling down to enjoy the show, my mother walks in the room.
-Mom: "What are you watching?"
-Me: "Remember all those reruns we watched in Toronto?"
-Mom: "The psychopath show?"
-Me: "Well..."
-Mom: "The one with the guy who wears his watch like me?"
-Me: "Yeah, that--"
-Mom: "The one where they fired the pretty Canadian girl in the sixth season?"
-Me: "She wasn't really fired per-se--"
-Mom: "The one where Meryl Streep's sister from that Julia Child movie plays one of the characters' moms?"
-Me: "Well... yeah, but I only mentioned that because you said you recognized her from Gle--"
-Mom: "The one where the dark-haired guy's wife used to be on that other show with that kid who went to high school with your friend Stephanie's older brother's gym teacher?"
-Me: "Uh..."
... okay so my mom didn't actually say all of that, but she DID know what show I was talking about after I mentioned Toronto. This made-up conversation exits simply to prove that I talk about CM too much around my friends and family, both online and in RL. To an embarassing degree, it seems. To further prove this point, I present this post as well as this text message sent to me last week by my sister.
Anyway, getting back to my point... in reality my mother probably just said something like: "Mind if I join you?"
Now, if this same question had been asked by my father, the answer would have been, "HELL YES, I MIND. BE GONE WITH THEE!" My father has been known to ruin many a show for me (and my entire family) with his extremely vocal (and unpetitioned) sarcasm. But my mom is cool, so I patted the couch cushion next to me, and thus began my first experience of watching a brand new CM episode with another person present.
Oh, and one last thing before I start. I have to paint the full picture here. The TV that we watched this episode on looks pretty much exactly like this one:
You tell 'em, Annie!
My aunt's is actually a 1977 model RCA (I asked her, and was slightly surprised that she could remember the exact year she bought it). The remote control is about the size of a football, and when you turn the TV off, there's a little blob of green light approx the size of a quarter that lingers in the centre of the screen for about 15 minutes before it gradually fades away.
I felt like I'd travelled back in time, which would've actually been rather appropriate for the PREVIOUS episode ("Reflection of Desire"), but this week it was "Into The Woods". So here you have it!
This episode begins (appropriately) in the woods. Gotta love the whole "ambiguous dark, ominous figure darts past the foreground" creep-out shot. This totally reminds me of "Detour", which is one of my top-5 favourite stand-alone X-files episodes of ALL TIME.
I know, I haven't even gotten past my first point yet, and I'm already picspamming X-files. This hasn't exactly gotten off to a the greatest of starts.
So the family is taking a nice, creepy midnight hike through some unfamiliar woods. Sounds like the perfect recipe for murder fun.
The mom hears something rustling. Did you hear that?
Qu'est-ce que c'est? Psycho killer? Fa fa fa faaa fa fa f--
Ah, never mind... it's just a bear. No worries. Wait... WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY RELIEVED!????? It's a goddamned BEAR. It's never a relief to stumble across a BEAR in the middle of the woods. Never.
The dad decides to take a stroll over to where the bear was digging around in the dirt (naturally... that'd be the FIRST thing I'd do), while his wife and kid stand there looking totally non-terrified about the fact that a FUCKING BEAR JUST WANDERED OFF INTO THE WOODS NOT 10 FEET FROM WHERE YOU'RE STANDING. How are they not completely shitting themselves?
Turns out the bear was digging up the skeleton of a 10-year-old boy. Garcia's got the boy's pic up on the overhead projector, so we know that at least ONE member of Hiking Family #1 escaped the razor-sharp claws of that bear and was able to inform the FBI. Well, that puts my mind at ease.
Something about the unsub wrapping bodies in plastic and "bonding with the boy". I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Now we're introduced to Hiking Family #2: Mom, Dad, Brother, and Sister. I already feel bad for Brother and Sister, because we know this week's unsub likes kids, and their parents have just sent them out into the woods alone to search for firewood.
These children need to know that an armful of sticks isn't going to be sufficient if they need to fend off a bear. And yes, there ARE bears. And why isn't anyone more aware of and/or concerned about this fact? Everybody knows how bears feel about children lighting fires in the woods...
Surprisingly, the children aren't even approached (by Smokey or the unsub), but they are blatantly, ominously stalked by our good friend Mr. Shapeless-Skulking-Figure-In-The-Distance.
-My mother: *groans* "I don't like watching shows where kids get abducted. Why are their parents letting them roam around by themselves in the woods?"
-Me: "You used to let Erin and I take turns skidding down the hill behind Nana's house wearing Dad's rollerblades... and we didn't even have helmets."
-Mom: "Oh, please. I would never have given you permission to do that!"
-Me: "But you didn't stop us either."
Anyway, these kids (unlike my sister and I, who - at ages 7 and 10 respectively - were surprisingly adept at maneuvering past telephone poles at top speed in men's size 12 rollerblades) are doomed. I don't think the writers could make this fact more obvious if they tried...
Opening Credits - Opening Credits - Opening Credits - Opening Credits
We join the team on their G6, where they be gettin' so fly. They're not poppin' any bottles yet, but I'm fairly certain they only do this when we're not watching.
Hotch, Prentiss, and Rossi are all sporting some sweet casual wear for a change. Morgan... well, Morgan always looks casual. And then there's Reid. I can already tell that this is going to be one of those "Reid stays behind at the police station while everyone else frolics in the field" episodes. Also, I feel like I can now add polar fleece pull-overs to the ever-growing list of clothing items that I assume never have, and probably never will see the inside of Reid's dresser drawers (along with jeans, matching socks, and anything with a zipper and/or hood).
At the Ranger's station, Hotch, Rossi, and Reid meet... the Ranger. I'm just going to call him Ranger, because I clearly don't like learning peoples' names (just ask Mom, Dad, Brother, and Sister).
Reid gives his usual greeting,
and then steers himself almost magnetically over to the Map Table, where I'm sure he'll spend 90% of his time this episode.
Hotch!! You're looking good in that outdoorsy-gear, I must say.
Same with Morgan and Prentiss, though Morgan looks more like he belongs on a motorcycle than in the woods, but whatever. He rocks the leather.
-Prentiss: "He abducts the children in the fall and keeps them all winter."
-Morgan: "It's like he's hibernating with them."
I knew it!!!! It's the goddamned bear...
This next scene has contributed several further points to my "Brother and Sister are doomed" hypothesis:
1)They're not sleeping in the same tent as their parents
2)Sister needs to go to the bathroom
3)Brother tells her that she needs to venture deep into the forest to gain access to an Optimal Peeing Location.
4)Did I mention it's night time? It's night time.
5)That surly looking bearded guy in the plaid jacket has his hand over Sister's mouth.
Oh hai, Reid! Don't worry, I didn't forget about you... all alone back at the Ranger's station with your little compass, red sharpie pen, sticky post-it arrows, and trusty map. Just because you didn't get to go shopping for a fleece pullover this week doesn't mean you can't still be useful.
Unsub has a creepy underground cave complete with Child Cage in which Brother and Sister find themselves imprisoned along with several abused-looking toys. Unsub also has a limp. This will hopefully work to the childrens' advantage later on.
Sister asks, "What's he going to do to us?" and "Whose toys are these?" and I want to cry.
Hotch is interviewing Mother and Father, who tell us that the kids wanted their own tent, and so they let them sleep alone. I want Hotch to give Father a palm to the forehead... like in one of those "coulda had a V8" commercials. Dude, Kids want all kinds of things that aren't safe for them. When I was ten I wanted rollerblades, but I wasn't allowed to get them because they were too dangerous. You're their PARENTS! You're supposed to deny them these things! That's how it works. Sure, they'll pout and cry and say they hate you, but the important thing is that they don't ultimately get abducted by gimpy lumberjack pedophiles... so everyone ends up happy (except for the lumberjack).
Where the heck does Reid get all these stats from? The FBI should have him writing multiple-choice questions for the Academy tests: If 2 children and a serial killer with a limp leave Pennsylvania at 9pm traveling 2mph, and one of the children is discarded at 10pm, how big should the diameter of your red-sharpie compass circle be on this map of the Appalachian Trail?
a)8 inches
b)25 centimetres
c)marshmallow
d)infinity
e)all of the above
-Unsub (to Brother): "Come with me. I want to show you something." I can't... ugh. Please, let this not be what I think it is.
And we're back with Reid... who apparently mumbles to himself as he colours. Y'know Reid, as someone who's borderline schizophrenic, you might want to ixnay the whole "talking to yourself" thing. It doesn't look good. *pets*
OH NO! *whimpers* Brother looks severely disturbed/stunned as he's led back to the cage. NOT GOOD.
Brother pretends to have to go to the bathroom in order to crack Unsub in the leg with a piece of wood, allowing Sister to escape. This scene is extremely intense, but I could barely concentrate on it, as my mother was sitting next to me on the very edge of the sofa screaming, "RUN! RUN! YES! GET HIM IN THE LEG! RUN!!!!"
Prentiss finds Anna, which is Sister's real name. I know this because the search party has been yelling it over and over for the past 15 minutes.
This was the point in the episode where my mother just started going crazy yelling at the television. As the unsub pulls Robert to the ground with Hotch and the dogs only a few yards away, it seems like the case might be solved sooner rather than later. But no. Unsub puts his HAND over Robert's mouth, and my mother calmly attempts to remind Robert that he can scream through someone's hand and still be heard. Why isn't he screaming? Jo? Why? He should just scream. They'd hear him. The killer wouldn't be able to get away fast enough. He doesn't even have a gun, does he? Why doesn't the little boy scream? SCREAM!!!!!
Reid identifies some dried-up flowers in a ziploc bag as natural painkillers based on THIS cell phone photo:
All I can say is... daaaaamn that boy is a genius. From the looks of it, he and I have almost the exact same cell phone (except mine is pink... and Reid WISHES his was pink), and I can barely identify my mom's dog on that phone's display. I believe it's... like... 0.8 megapixels. Eeeeeyeah.
Also, it looks like Prentiss is sending Reid this info from a 1-(604) number, which is a Vancouver area code. Hmm... I kinda want to try calling this number and see who answers.
Okay, I called it.
It's just an automated message for MagicJack that asks me to leave a message. I'm tempted to leave a voicemail for Prentiss asking her exactly how she's affiliated with MagicJack... but I think I've already taken this a bit too far.
Moving on...
Unsub takes Robert through the lobby of a hotel and up the stairs.
-My mother: "SCREAM! SCREAM! WHY ISN'T HE SCREAMING!? THERE ARE PEOPLE THERE!"
Oh, shit! The unsub isn't even the pedophile! His DEALER is!
Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. *hides head*
Garcia somehow brilliantly finds out that a dozen or so of the possible suspects all live at the same address, and Prentiss makes me actually laugh out loud as she hesitantly suggests, "a... cluster of pervs?" That was ace delivery, Ms. Brewster.
Nevermind. Original Unsub AND his dealer are both pedophiles. Apparently they both belong to the cluster. This episode is making me never want to have children. D:
Ugh, the dealer is sooooo skeezy. And now the child is unconscious. *sobs*
Lol. The slumlord tells Prentiss and Morgan not to make a mess. Actually, that place is pretty swank as far as slums go. It looks nicer than the apartment building I lived in when I was going to university...
Oh-Ho! The door's locked! You know what that means!
Go go Gadget Morgan foot! If I were playing any number of Criminal Minds drinking games, I'd be chugging my beer right now:
The BAU are SO CLOSE to finding this pervert, whom the child has outsmarted (thank God) with his clever little unconsciousness-fakeout.
Robert runs and runs and runs, and my mom continues to (calmly, serenely) remind him that he should SCREAM! THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR! THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU! SCREAM, LITTLE BOY! SCREAM! AUUGHH! NO! I CAN'T WATCH!
The dealer-unsub catches up with the boy, and my mother actually covers her face with her hands and moans. Honest to God. You can't make this shit up. At this moment, Into the Woods officially tops the list of "most intense experiences I've ever had watching an episode of CM"... and I blame this fact entirely on my lovely viewing companion.
BUT... Morgan and Prentiss manage to save the boy anyway, and I use the brief moment wherein my mother's gaze is still temporarily averted to slip a chill-pill into her Heineken.
Spence is still at the Ranger station, but is now sporting his very best Sadface. Well, maybe not his VERY best, but close.
The unsub got away!?? What!?? Well, that.... rarely ever happens. Do I sense another George Foyet or Karl Arnold in the making? Hmmm...
:'( Reid's voice sounds so pitiful when he returns the sweater to Daniel's father. As I've mentioned before, MGG needs to get some sort of award for his "I'm this close to crying" voice. He nails it every time.
I enjoy the strange sort of duality at the end of this episode, when Morgan looks at the reunited Hiking Family #2 and says, "How often does that happen?" and Rossi replies, "Not often enough." Yet, the killer got AWAY. How often does THAT happen? It's like the best possible scenario (both kids are found alive) and the worst possible scenario (the killer escapes police) both occur in the same episode. Hmmm...
Meanwhile, back on the G6...
The atmosphere is... strangely quiet. Rossi tries to cheer everyone up by reminding us that very few child abduction cases result in the kids being returned to their parents - that this case was a success.
...But everyone looks so forlorn. Prentiss just stares off into space, and Reid quietly plays with his shoelace, both completely ignorant of the fact that the in-flight movie has just started right behind their heads there (and based on my experience with air travel, it's probably something delightfully uplifting like a chick-flick, or a comedy featuring talking animals). This silence is disconcerting.
And Hotch, in all his infinite wisdom and glory, looketh upon his despondent flock, and sayeth unto them: "We'll get him."
Hear that? Hotch said it's gonna be okay. Hotch said it. Everybody cheer the #%$@ up.
But really, I find myself feeling equally satisfied and unsatisfied by the "resolution" we're given in this episode. I guess that's kind of the point, though... especially if the plan is to bring this unsub back in the future.
What do you guys think? Will they bring back Steve... Shawn... SHANE. That's it! Sorry. So will they bring him back? I'm going to say no, just because I think that the writers are simply using this episode to prove a point: Sometimes the bad guys get away. That's life. And it sucks.
Well, on that sunshiny note, I'm out. Hopefully I can get a few more of these done in the near future. Falling behind isn't something that I usually deal with very well (in that I allow myself to keep falling further and further behind until I give up completely) so I might skip past a few of the episodes in order to get "caught up" (nobody really cares if I recap "25 To Life" anyway, right? I mean... Hotch certainly doesn't care). Perhaps I'll even see if I can get some more guest stars to (unwittingly) appear in my future reaction-reacaps (we know my sister's watching CM! Perhaps she'd be willing to volunteer). Then you guys can be treated to more wonderful conversations such as this (which took place - conveniently enough - as the credits were rolling on this very episode):
-My Mom: "Which one was the Canadian girl?"
-Me: "She isn't on the show anymore, remember? I already told you about that."
-Mom: "Did they replace her again this time?"
-Me: "What do you mean?"
-Mom: "Last night we watched one of the older episodes, and she was played by a different actress."
-Me: "Mom, she was always played by the same actress."
-Mom: "The blonde one?"
-Me: "Yes. A.J. Cook. She's from Ontario."
-Mom: "No, she's not the same girl that played her in that old episode. They changed the actress."
-Me: "I swear to you, mom... it's the same girl."
-Mom: "But in the newer episodes she has bangs."
-Me: .................... *epic facepalm*
Awesome logic, Mom. That must mean that they've changed the actor who plays Reid about twelve times now, right?
*slow, dramatic applause*