(no subject)
Firstly I must thank Jon a million times over for providing me with transportation today and just making the whole adventure amusing.
Darren Hayes is one of the sweetest guys I have EVER met. I can honestly say that he made today one of the best days I have ever had. And it could have been quite awful today for me. I couldnt believe he ended up singing one of my favorite songs (which apparantly is a fav of his off that particular album) which made me both extremely happy and sad at the same time since its kinda a sad song and hits home too often. As much as I wouldve loved to have heard it, I was relieved he chose NOT to play my other fav song from that album. Given the day it is I am almost sure I would have cried on the spot. (Yes I still keep track.. im a dweller like that) Im trying, I really am... its just taking a while specially since i have yet to find a way to purge myself successfully. Even writing isnt helping very much for the first time in my life. Ill prolly fill the damn notebook and have little progress mentally to show for it. Ah well.
I discovered my camera's video capability complete with audio (HOORAY!) so i managed to get three songs recorded.. not to mention he signed 4 things for me and put one of the few genuine smiles on my face that ive had in a while.
I know everyone likes making fun of me about liking his music but i really dont know what id do without it. his music was my first cd like 11 years ago and its truely been pretty much the only constant i can rely on in my life. its gotten me through more shit than i will ever admit to. so meeting him today was the best thing i could ask for.
Lately ive been noticing major shifts of people in my life, dependability, even just levels of contact. Im not sure how much of it i like but some of it is bugging me bc i feel like im losing some stability ive come to rely on.
And of course using my flash drive today, I discover a word doc that I almost regret ever making, let alone sharing with someone. Yet I cant bring myself to delete it... i can see it being added to the damn notebook instead. Though reading that and the conversation both before and after its creation I really wonder what the hell happened. One day these tears will stop, I promise. If they dont I will just continue lying to the world cuz thats the only other option ive got.
I may need someone to save me from doing things ill regret just to distract myself. i dont want to turn into someone ill despise. i miss the way things used to be. i just dont know whats going on anymore except that im sick of it all being beyond my control.
THIS FUCKING YEAR NEEDS TO END. I NEED A FRESH START.