This made tears run down my face as I was laughing so fucking hard.
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with
the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to
your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure >this
out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the
strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so
it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal
no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak >back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the
was strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of
my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I
notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep
breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where
is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I
touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to
myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can
I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it
off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing
worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
>scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck
to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the
porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of
how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a
slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to
hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
>She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be
the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I
resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at
this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids
and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't
care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my
>grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So
I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have
amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with
the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine
cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to
your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure >this
out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the
strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so
it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal
no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak >back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my
panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the
was strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of
my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I
notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep
breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where
is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I
touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to
myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can
I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it
off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing
worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued
together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
>scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck
to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the
porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of
how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a
slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to
hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
>She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she
suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be
the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I
resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at
this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids
and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't
care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my
>grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So
I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have
amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......