(no subject)
Semester's almost over. Next semester is going to be rough; I'm taking four studios and a humanities - five in total, which wouldn't be that much if they were all lectures. However, studio classes require an assload of time, a lot of time that I don't have or am not usually willing to dedicate (usually because I could be sleeping).
In a matter of a couple of hours, I never have to go to my science class again.
On Saturday Matt's going back to Traverse City and I won't see him for a month. It wouldn't bother me that much if I thought he was going to miss me at all. I'm starting to think that his family likes me more than he does...
Speaking of family, I don't want to see mine. I got a text from my mom this morning concerning my father being a big fucking child again, acting like a five-year-old because my mom and Patty called him out on being an alcoholic. Well, Dad, if you're not an alcoholic you do a mighty fine impression of one, and you're crazy as hell. Matt like never wants to come back to visit with me because you're so out of your mind; you actually freaked him out. For a while I was thinking that it's me that was insane, that I was the one with Borderline, that everything was my fault. I'm starting to see, however, that it's not me. I mean, it is, but I'm not the crazy one. I think I just FEEL crazy because I never really learned how to properly interact with other humans. I either learned how to be a complete angry, psychotic mess like my dad, or an angry, submissive mess like my mom. Either way I fucking lose. I learned how to manipulate people, and even though I don't want to do it I find that I do. I'm finding that I dont' expect anything out of anyone, that everyone's a liar and a hypocrite, and that boys can't be trusted. Boys are the worst. Now, in the scheme of things, Matt's a pretty nice boy, but he still enrages me. I still don't trust him entirely. I'm utterly convinced he thinks I'm awful and is going to run away with someone prettier than me, who I will then have to kill. Not to get him back, mind you, but out of principal. That's not true, actually. I'd just sulk and it would reassure all of my self-depreciating thoughts into eternity, just like every other boy I've ever dated. I don't know how to express distress or anger outward, except inappropriately.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that I don't want to go home, but only because I don't really want to be around my family. Everyone in it is a wreck from having to deal with insanity and the insane who self medicate on a daily basis. They're all so fucked up and I don't know if I can deal with it for very long.
It's cold in here. I moved the table so that I wasn't sitting by that vent so much anymore, but still. I'm cold.
I need to make my science test notecard...
Oh, and hey. You. She's awful. I don't really like the direction you're headed, honestly. Not that it's any of my business, I guess, but if you consider my opinion valid then take this into consideration. Drinking all the time and fucking "sluts" (your words) isn't a good way to be living. You broke it off with someone awesome, which happens, but I'm just sayin'. You're going to get crotch rot. Love You.
And you. You always say you never see me but make absolutely no effort. Pick one.
That last one goes out to like, three people. I'm pretty sick of it from all of you, so...
Oh, and table next to me? Shut the fuck up, you loudass bitches.
In a matter of a couple of hours, I never have to go to my science class again.
On Saturday Matt's going back to Traverse City and I won't see him for a month. It wouldn't bother me that much if I thought he was going to miss me at all. I'm starting to think that his family likes me more than he does...
Speaking of family, I don't want to see mine. I got a text from my mom this morning concerning my father being a big fucking child again, acting like a five-year-old because my mom and Patty called him out on being an alcoholic. Well, Dad, if you're not an alcoholic you do a mighty fine impression of one, and you're crazy as hell. Matt like never wants to come back to visit with me because you're so out of your mind; you actually freaked him out. For a while I was thinking that it's me that was insane, that I was the one with Borderline, that everything was my fault. I'm starting to see, however, that it's not me. I mean, it is, but I'm not the crazy one. I think I just FEEL crazy because I never really learned how to properly interact with other humans. I either learned how to be a complete angry, psychotic mess like my dad, or an angry, submissive mess like my mom. Either way I fucking lose. I learned how to manipulate people, and even though I don't want to do it I find that I do. I'm finding that I dont' expect anything out of anyone, that everyone's a liar and a hypocrite, and that boys can't be trusted. Boys are the worst. Now, in the scheme of things, Matt's a pretty nice boy, but he still enrages me. I still don't trust him entirely. I'm utterly convinced he thinks I'm awful and is going to run away with someone prettier than me, who I will then have to kill. Not to get him back, mind you, but out of principal. That's not true, actually. I'd just sulk and it would reassure all of my self-depreciating thoughts into eternity, just like every other boy I've ever dated. I don't know how to express distress or anger outward, except inappropriately.
Anyway, the moral of the story is that I don't want to go home, but only because I don't really want to be around my family. Everyone in it is a wreck from having to deal with insanity and the insane who self medicate on a daily basis. They're all so fucked up and I don't know if I can deal with it for very long.
It's cold in here. I moved the table so that I wasn't sitting by that vent so much anymore, but still. I'm cold.
I need to make my science test notecard...
Oh, and hey. You. She's awful. I don't really like the direction you're headed, honestly. Not that it's any of my business, I guess, but if you consider my opinion valid then take this into consideration. Drinking all the time and fucking "sluts" (your words) isn't a good way to be living. You broke it off with someone awesome, which happens, but I'm just sayin'. You're going to get crotch rot. Love You.
And you. You always say you never see me but make absolutely no effort. Pick one.
That last one goes out to like, three people. I'm pretty sick of it from all of you, so...
Oh, and table next to me? Shut the fuck up, you loudass bitches.