a new me...is that always a good thing?
I feel like I am becoming a new me. But I am not sure if that is a good thing. I dont know if the good me was all that great. She was sure sad much of the time. Had a fucked up life a lot of the time, made TONS of mistakes, was broke for most of her life, was FAT, old, and had wasted most of her life worrying about men and what others thought of her. Spent way too much time taking care of other people, NO time taking care of herself...but she had some heart, passion, courage, tenacity, and originality.
But, SHE WASN'T EVERY GOOD ENOUGH!
The new me. Well, a little wiser, a little colder, a little emptier, a little thinner (and getting more so every day). Much different priorities. My kids are still one of the most important things in my life...always will be, that hasnt changed, but aside from that, everything seems to have shifted. My relationships, my sense of worth, my values, my passions, what I want to spend my time doing.
Dont get me wrong. I havent suddenly become a conservative and joined the Rush Limbaugh team (THAT will never happen!), but I think I am starting to put me before social issues. I am starting to put me ahead of a lot of things.
And, to tell the truth, I dont even think it is in a healthy way. Hell, why would it be! I dont usually do anything in a healthy way. My control of food is gone to new levels. Last night for dinner I had 1/4 of an apple. Nice, eh?
I am not truly "starving" myself. I eat a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, a slim fast meal bar for lunch, sometimes, if I am really hungry I will eat a slice of really thin 98% FF ham and a pickle or some cucumber mid day, and then dinner is the most restrictive, Usually just a few veggies, a small salad with just lettuce & cucumbers, or like last night, a tiny bit of fruit (which actually didnt set well on my stomach at all!). I also eat about 8 animal cracker troughout the day to take pills with (that is about 70 additional cals, and added carbs that I allow myself to settle my stomach).
I dropped down to 205 today! That is 10# in about 1.5 weeks. Well, it is always easy to lose big in the first week or so, it is the next few weeks that will really show what is what though! I figure I am taking in about 600-700 calories a day, so far no ill effects other than a headache last night and a few stomach pains here and there. I feel tired more often, but I blame it on my meds. & when I feel really tired, I have this great Mac Croc Energy gum, only 2.5 cals a piece.
All I know is that things have finally turned around with meds that have taken away intense cravings for me for the first time in my life. And I REFUSE to be FAT anymore!
--------anyhoooo, I went off on food, and weight and such. I didnt mean to do that!
I dont know what all this will look like in the end. I just know that I dont think I will come out of this depression the same ole person I was before I went in, just not depressed. I think I will be a different person. I think I am tired of people taking advantage of me, I think I am tired of people expecting so much of me. I think I am tired of doing it all. I think I am tired of being "the golden girl" - I cant fucking do it any more!
They say depression is anger turned inward. Well, maybe I AM getting better, because I am starting to GET ANGRY!
Maybe that is good
Missing Persons
Do you hear me, Do you care
Do you hear me, Do you care
My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
when you realize you don't know what you just read
What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens
it's no use talkin at all
I might as well go up and talk to a wall
'cause all the words are having no effect at all
It's a funny thing am I all alone
Something has to happen to change the direction
What little filters through is giving you the wrong impression
It's a sorry state I say to myself
What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens
it's no use talkin at all
Do you hear me, Do you care
Do you hear me, Do you care
Let me get by
Over your dead body
Hope to see you soon
When will I know
Doors three feet wide with no locks open
Walking always backwards in the faces of strangers
Time could be my friend
But it's less than nowhere now
less than nowhere now
less than nowhere now now ow ow ow
Pursue it any further and another thing you'll find
Not only are they deaf and dumb they could be going blind
and no one notices I think I'll dye my hair blue
Media overload bombarding you with action
It's getting near impossible to cause distraction
Someone answer me before I pull out the plug
What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens
it's no use talkin at all
But, SHE WASN'T EVERY GOOD ENOUGH!
The new me. Well, a little wiser, a little colder, a little emptier, a little thinner (and getting more so every day). Much different priorities. My kids are still one of the most important things in my life...always will be, that hasnt changed, but aside from that, everything seems to have shifted. My relationships, my sense of worth, my values, my passions, what I want to spend my time doing.
Dont get me wrong. I havent suddenly become a conservative and joined the Rush Limbaugh team (THAT will never happen!), but I think I am starting to put me before social issues. I am starting to put me ahead of a lot of things.
And, to tell the truth, I dont even think it is in a healthy way. Hell, why would it be! I dont usually do anything in a healthy way. My control of food is gone to new levels. Last night for dinner I had 1/4 of an apple. Nice, eh?
I am not truly "starving" myself. I eat a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, a slim fast meal bar for lunch, sometimes, if I am really hungry I will eat a slice of really thin 98% FF ham and a pickle or some cucumber mid day, and then dinner is the most restrictive, Usually just a few veggies, a small salad with just lettuce & cucumbers, or like last night, a tiny bit of fruit (which actually didnt set well on my stomach at all!). I also eat about 8 animal cracker troughout the day to take pills with (that is about 70 additional cals, and added carbs that I allow myself to settle my stomach).
I dropped down to 205 today! That is 10# in about 1.5 weeks. Well, it is always easy to lose big in the first week or so, it is the next few weeks that will really show what is what though! I figure I am taking in about 600-700 calories a day, so far no ill effects other than a headache last night and a few stomach pains here and there. I feel tired more often, but I blame it on my meds. & when I feel really tired, I have this great Mac Croc Energy gum, only 2.5 cals a piece.
All I know is that things have finally turned around with meds that have taken away intense cravings for me for the first time in my life. And I REFUSE to be FAT anymore!
--------anyhoooo, I went off on food, and weight and such. I didnt mean to do that!
I dont know what all this will look like in the end. I just know that I dont think I will come out of this depression the same ole person I was before I went in, just not depressed. I think I will be a different person. I think I am tired of people taking advantage of me, I think I am tired of people expecting so much of me. I think I am tired of doing it all. I think I am tired of being "the golden girl" - I cant fucking do it any more!
They say depression is anger turned inward. Well, maybe I AM getting better, because I am starting to GET ANGRY!
Maybe that is good
Missing Persons
Do you hear me, Do you care
Do you hear me, Do you care
My lips are moving and the sound's coming out
The words are audible but I have my doubts
That you realize what has been said
You look at me as if you're in a daze
It's like the feeling at the end of the page
when you realize you don't know what you just read
What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens
it's no use talkin at all
I might as well go up and talk to a wall
'cause all the words are having no effect at all
It's a funny thing am I all alone
Something has to happen to change the direction
What little filters through is giving you the wrong impression
It's a sorry state I say to myself
What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens
it's no use talkin at all
Do you hear me, Do you care
Do you hear me, Do you care
Let me get by
Over your dead body
Hope to see you soon
When will I know
Doors three feet wide with no locks open
Walking always backwards in the faces of strangers
Time could be my friend
But it's less than nowhere now
less than nowhere now
less than nowhere now now ow ow ow
Pursue it any further and another thing you'll find
Not only are they deaf and dumb they could be going blind
and no one notices I think I'll dye my hair blue
Media overload bombarding you with action
It's getting near impossible to cause distraction
Someone answer me before I pull out the plug
What are words for when no one listens anymore
What are words for when no one listens
What are words for when no one listens
it's no use talkin at all