Today.
It's been a while since I've visited my livejournal...
Don't get me wrong, I really don't have any intentions of writing in this thing more often
It has served it's purpose over the years of giving me a place to rant and ramble on aimlessly.
But again, I've never felt any real obligation to write here.
Which is why I've always been terrible with any kind of journal.
My life isn't that important nor are my problems any different from most peoples'.
I rarely find the need to complain about that anymore.
Plain and simply, I thought I'd just update this to find where I am in life at the moment.
Occasionally I like to compare older journal entries to see how much I've grown over the years, as I'm sure many people do.
I believe the last time I wrote was in February...so let's take it from there.
When I last left off, I was unemployed...rather "Laid Off" by the closing down of the Houlihan's that I used to work at.
To this day, I am still unemployed...for various reasons I'm sure.
Do I find this frustrating? Yes.
Unbelievably so. In fact, many nights I have a hard time sleeping simply because my mind won't rest itself from the panic mode of a caretaker.
My mind is hellbent on taking care of myself and my lover, and it pains me daily to know that I'm unable to provide for us right now.
Do I live with it? Of course I do, there's nothing else you can do in that situation.
Do I know why things have turned out this way? Not at all. To me it was very unfair that my opportunities were just yanked from me like that, and I suppose even after all these months I'm still really, really bitter about it.
I know I shouldn't be...I just am.
There's nothing I can do to change the past, which I'm well aware of, but I don't know what to do about it.
Well, let me be honest...it's not that I haven't been employed, it's that I chose not to work at the place I became employed with.
About a month after my last entry, I applied to work for the W Hotel - a new, trendy, comfortable hotel designed for a...more lucrative crowd - in the restaurant n the 2nd floor.
"Spice Market Atlanta", one of many restaurants created and owned by one Jean-Gorges Vongerichten (yes, that is spelled correctly and it's pronounce like it's Germanic for some reason).
Now, I'm not saying that it's a terrible place or anything, but it really just doesn't seem like it belongs in Atlanta.
The main focus there was a replication of the New York wonder, Spice Market.
Well, they said it wasn't...but it really was.
The food is severely overpriced, and a bit under-seasoned (bland in some cases), and the uniforms weren't exactly super either.
As my friend Manny liked to put it..."we look like the gay matrix."
Don't believe me? It was a purple tunic with 1 pocket that was tiny but supposed to fit a pen, a large writing pad, trash and a wine key. ...Didn't really work that way.
For about a month, we went through some hardcore training...you see, neither the hotel nor the restaurant were open yet, so we got the whole big shebang.
Don't get me wrong...while intense at times, the training was wonderful. I would like to give my thanks to Gino, Rachel, Ming and Rudy for all the things they did for us and taught to us.
I've never been much of a wine man, but be damned if that mattered according to Gino.
I still have that wine list with all the descriptions, varietals, and categories for my own personal knowledge.
During that month, we learned a lot of things about the place...and I was introduced to the world of fine dining. The serving system was a bit complicated at first, but a few hundred runs through it and you have it down-packed. I'm not going to go into details because I really don't care that much anymore.
Again, I would like to thank Kristen for putting up with me and my ignorance during that time. She was like an older sister to me, teaching me what I needed to be taught and having some serious patience at times. The only thing I regret about not going back to work there was leaving her hanging like that. That was a terrible thing to do, and I do apologize.
Around the time we actually got around to opening, things began to fall apart in the place.
Many of the managers quit, a good portion of the FOH (Front of the House) staff decided it wasn't worth it as well. Servers, Server Assistants, Food Runners, Barbacks...all gone.
Everyone had their own reasons...for most it was financial.
Honestly, that wasn't the problem for me...I don't need an enormous paycheck right now
...I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure it would be nice...but I don't have that many payments to make (yet).
Working with Kristen, who clearly had a lot of experience...she pulled in a bit of money.
Or at least, I assume she does because I stopped working there before they "officially opened".
My problems with the place were mostly bad vibes and bad scheduling.
I mean, I enjoy working most of the time, but everyday I walked in there I felt out of place.
It may have been just my imagination...everyone said I was doing fine...but I just couldn't shake a bad feeling like that.
Now, this makes me question a lot of things about my life...whether these "bad vibes" I feel are just an excuse not to do something, or if it's actually something I should be paying attention to. But again, that's another discussion for another time.
Well...one day...let's just say I made a mistake that very well affected my relationship with my girlfriend.
A mistake that caused me to not go to work. Just trust me, I had my reasons.
I'm not completely an asshole...it's not like I completely ignored my shift, but rather I sent my boss a text message. Yes, I'm aware that it was very irresponsible. I believe my logic at the time had to do with something he told us during a meeting about sending text messages if you can't come into a shift because he'd be busy answering phone calls. ...oh what was I thinking?
True, I was probably just being ignorant.
Anyway, I did receive a message back from my boss telling me that it was completely unacceptable to forgo a shift like that and that he'd have to speak with me if I had any intention of continuing my employment there.
At first I was iffy...I didn't want to call of course
But Ariel convinced me to do it...so I did. I called...and got voicemail.
(which is probably why I send texts in the first place.)
I left a message...apologizing of course, and requesting to speak with him.
We played phone tag for a bit, and were never able to really get back in touch with each other.
So yes...I said "fuck it". Which probably wasn't a wise decision...and most likely leads to my current predicament.
Like I said, I'm very much aware that this is all my fault and I don't have a problem admitting that. I know I was in the wrong, and I deserved whatever punishment came of it.
Well, that was the last of a job I've heard in quite some time.
It's been about 2-3 months since then, and I'm very broke and very hungry.
I try not to eat but 1 meal a day so Ariel can have more food to eat.
She probably doesn't know that, and I'm sure it'll stay that way.
I don't really know what I'm doing now. Like I said, I can't sleep peacefully at night anymore.
I find myself being more upset and depressed each day.
I know it can't be permanent, but in the meantime it's really tearing me apart mentally and emotionally.
It's just not healthy to be stressed all the time...but I have no reason to stop stressing.
Since then, more things have come up...of course...which means life is getting really sucky.
Sallie Mae, my college loan people, have decided that they want to start collecting their money now...and of course, I don't have it. Thank you Morehouse, even after I've left, you're still fucking me over...thanks a lot.
I still don't know whats going on with Ariel and her college situation...but that's still on the backburner for now...no need in worrying about that.
She has however, managed to find a job. And for that, I'm very proud of her. It means at least we won't starve. We may not be able to pay rent, but we won't starve.
All of my good friends have managed to graduate, and for that I'm very proud of them. Congratulations guys, you've earned it. I hope that life treats you well.
...and that's all I have to say about that.
Me? I'm of course still looking for a job
But I really don't know how.
Houlihan's closed down before I got that full year experience, so I'm kinda fucked on that tip.
I just keep putting in applications and throwing my resume online, searching, searching, searching.
I mean, I even applied to Target to be a cart pusher.
A cart. pusher.
...I'm really poor.
----------
I'm sorry if that was a downer, it's been a while since I've had good news that wasn't followed by a swarm of storm clouds.
Everyone says it'll be okay.
I pray it will be.
Dear god...I pray.
Don't get me wrong, I really don't have any intentions of writing in this thing more often
It has served it's purpose over the years of giving me a place to rant and ramble on aimlessly.
But again, I've never felt any real obligation to write here.
Which is why I've always been terrible with any kind of journal.
My life isn't that important nor are my problems any different from most peoples'.
I rarely find the need to complain about that anymore.
Plain and simply, I thought I'd just update this to find where I am in life at the moment.
Occasionally I like to compare older journal entries to see how much I've grown over the years, as I'm sure many people do.
I believe the last time I wrote was in February...so let's take it from there.
When I last left off, I was unemployed...rather "Laid Off" by the closing down of the Houlihan's that I used to work at.
To this day, I am still unemployed...for various reasons I'm sure.
Do I find this frustrating? Yes.
Unbelievably so. In fact, many nights I have a hard time sleeping simply because my mind won't rest itself from the panic mode of a caretaker.
My mind is hellbent on taking care of myself and my lover, and it pains me daily to know that I'm unable to provide for us right now.
Do I live with it? Of course I do, there's nothing else you can do in that situation.
Do I know why things have turned out this way? Not at all. To me it was very unfair that my opportunities were just yanked from me like that, and I suppose even after all these months I'm still really, really bitter about it.
I know I shouldn't be...I just am.
There's nothing I can do to change the past, which I'm well aware of, but I don't know what to do about it.
Well, let me be honest...it's not that I haven't been employed, it's that I chose not to work at the place I became employed with.
About a month after my last entry, I applied to work for the W Hotel - a new, trendy, comfortable hotel designed for a...more lucrative crowd - in the restaurant n the 2nd floor.
"Spice Market Atlanta", one of many restaurants created and owned by one Jean-Gorges Vongerichten (yes, that is spelled correctly and it's pronounce like it's Germanic for some reason).
Now, I'm not saying that it's a terrible place or anything, but it really just doesn't seem like it belongs in Atlanta.
The main focus there was a replication of the New York wonder, Spice Market.
Well, they said it wasn't...but it really was.
The food is severely overpriced, and a bit under-seasoned (bland in some cases), and the uniforms weren't exactly super either.
As my friend Manny liked to put it..."we look like the gay matrix."
Don't believe me? It was a purple tunic with 1 pocket that was tiny but supposed to fit a pen, a large writing pad, trash and a wine key. ...Didn't really work that way.
For about a month, we went through some hardcore training...you see, neither the hotel nor the restaurant were open yet, so we got the whole big shebang.
Don't get me wrong...while intense at times, the training was wonderful. I would like to give my thanks to Gino, Rachel, Ming and Rudy for all the things they did for us and taught to us.
I've never been much of a wine man, but be damned if that mattered according to Gino.
I still have that wine list with all the descriptions, varietals, and categories for my own personal knowledge.
During that month, we learned a lot of things about the place...and I was introduced to the world of fine dining. The serving system was a bit complicated at first, but a few hundred runs through it and you have it down-packed. I'm not going to go into details because I really don't care that much anymore.
Again, I would like to thank Kristen for putting up with me and my ignorance during that time. She was like an older sister to me, teaching me what I needed to be taught and having some serious patience at times. The only thing I regret about not going back to work there was leaving her hanging like that. That was a terrible thing to do, and I do apologize.
Around the time we actually got around to opening, things began to fall apart in the place.
Many of the managers quit, a good portion of the FOH (Front of the House) staff decided it wasn't worth it as well. Servers, Server Assistants, Food Runners, Barbacks...all gone.
Everyone had their own reasons...for most it was financial.
Honestly, that wasn't the problem for me...I don't need an enormous paycheck right now
...I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure it would be nice...but I don't have that many payments to make (yet).
Working with Kristen, who clearly had a lot of experience...she pulled in a bit of money.
Or at least, I assume she does because I stopped working there before they "officially opened".
My problems with the place were mostly bad vibes and bad scheduling.
I mean, I enjoy working most of the time, but everyday I walked in there I felt out of place.
It may have been just my imagination...everyone said I was doing fine...but I just couldn't shake a bad feeling like that.
Now, this makes me question a lot of things about my life...whether these "bad vibes" I feel are just an excuse not to do something, or if it's actually something I should be paying attention to. But again, that's another discussion for another time.
Well...one day...let's just say I made a mistake that very well affected my relationship with my girlfriend.
A mistake that caused me to not go to work. Just trust me, I had my reasons.
I'm not completely an asshole...it's not like I completely ignored my shift, but rather I sent my boss a text message. Yes, I'm aware that it was very irresponsible. I believe my logic at the time had to do with something he told us during a meeting about sending text messages if you can't come into a shift because he'd be busy answering phone calls. ...oh what was I thinking?
True, I was probably just being ignorant.
Anyway, I did receive a message back from my boss telling me that it was completely unacceptable to forgo a shift like that and that he'd have to speak with me if I had any intention of continuing my employment there.
At first I was iffy...I didn't want to call of course
But Ariel convinced me to do it...so I did. I called...and got voicemail.
(which is probably why I send texts in the first place.)
I left a message...apologizing of course, and requesting to speak with him.
We played phone tag for a bit, and were never able to really get back in touch with each other.
So yes...I said "fuck it". Which probably wasn't a wise decision...and most likely leads to my current predicament.
Like I said, I'm very much aware that this is all my fault and I don't have a problem admitting that. I know I was in the wrong, and I deserved whatever punishment came of it.
Well, that was the last of a job I've heard in quite some time.
It's been about 2-3 months since then, and I'm very broke and very hungry.
I try not to eat but 1 meal a day so Ariel can have more food to eat.
She probably doesn't know that, and I'm sure it'll stay that way.
I don't really know what I'm doing now. Like I said, I can't sleep peacefully at night anymore.
I find myself being more upset and depressed each day.
I know it can't be permanent, but in the meantime it's really tearing me apart mentally and emotionally.
It's just not healthy to be stressed all the time...but I have no reason to stop stressing.
Since then, more things have come up...of course...which means life is getting really sucky.
Sallie Mae, my college loan people, have decided that they want to start collecting their money now...and of course, I don't have it. Thank you Morehouse, even after I've left, you're still fucking me over...thanks a lot.
I still don't know whats going on with Ariel and her college situation...but that's still on the backburner for now...no need in worrying about that.
She has however, managed to find a job. And for that, I'm very proud of her. It means at least we won't starve. We may not be able to pay rent, but we won't starve.
All of my good friends have managed to graduate, and for that I'm very proud of them. Congratulations guys, you've earned it. I hope that life treats you well.
...and that's all I have to say about that.
Me? I'm of course still looking for a job
But I really don't know how.
Houlihan's closed down before I got that full year experience, so I'm kinda fucked on that tip.
I just keep putting in applications and throwing my resume online, searching, searching, searching.
I mean, I even applied to Target to be a cart pusher.
A cart. pusher.
...I'm really poor.
----------
I'm sorry if that was a downer, it's been a while since I've had good news that wasn't followed by a swarm of storm clouds.
Everyone says it'll be okay.
I pray it will be.
Dear god...I pray.