When You Say the Words That I Can't Say (1/1)
In my personal little head canon, Sasuke died with Itachi, then they both lived happily ever after in some kind of Uchiha heaven (or Sasuke razed Konoha to the ground in a blaze of maniacal laughter and glory--no, really, I'm being serious), and Naruto becomes Hokage and ends up with Sakura (after they both have a two year stint as ANBU), and the world continues to spin round.
So, what had happened was, I accidentally stumbled upon a few possibly spoilerish things, and although I’m not sure if they’re true, those snippets don’t exactly inspire me to finish the manga--the heck if some of that stuff didn't just come out of nowhere. Kishi already undermined Itachi’s character. Twice. And Sasuke...well, then what was the point of going through all that emotional upheaval? In the meantime, I’m going to officially take a real crack at canon and plot.
In other news, however unintentional, I noticed I tend to rhyme. A lot. By which I mean: There is no excuse for this dribble.
I tend to go back and forth in the domestic series, because it reflects where I'm struggling with on other things. As far as Sasuke's character goes, at least in happy AUs, I always say I reference pre-massacre!Sasuke first, and then work back through his inferiority/superiority complex. Because he has those. In droves. And what often comes of it is an very self-conscious Sasuke. Here at least, he's pretty at ease when it comes to physicality, but it's the thought of having emotional attachments he subconsciously shies away from; due to his own bubble of insecurities, he doesn’t like feeling emotionally vulnerable, which, at this stage, is what Naruto makes him feel most of the time. Yet at the same time, he's still drawn to Naruto.
Bleh. What a mess. I guess that's why he seems so dense, maybe? It has to do with his own self-confidence and his inability to picture himself having that depth of an emotional attachment to someone outside his family/small group of friends (not just because I think it’s funny when this stuff goes straight over his head). Plus, he initially sees Naruto as this incredibly resilient and self-assured guy, no matter what's said to him, so it becomes a source of stability for Sasuke, which is the pretty the same schtick I'm always writing, anyway, so it's nothing new.
Naruto doesn’t grasp this per se, but he does learn to pick up on the signs; hence why he’s so hesitant to really say anything, even if Kiba and Shikamaru continue to make fun of him for it.
I suppose I made it more complicated than it should be, but as the elusive "they" are wont to say, in for a penny and whatnot.
***
Characters: Naruto/Sasuke
Rating: PG
Words: 4501
Summary: “And what makes you think I’d even need to rely on a clumsy guy like you?”
“Suigetsu said I’d find you up here.”
Caught off guard by the familiar voice, hands on either side of him pressing hard into the ground, Sasuke turns around and looks up, more than a little surprised to see Naruto standing near the top of the short flight of concrete steps. “...you were looking for me?”
“Course I was.” Lips pursed, with a quick glance to his right, Naruto shoves his hands into the pockets of a light grey jacket. He takes a step down, following with another two then three until he reaches the bottom of the stairs leading to the narrow enclave on the roof.
“Why wouldn’t I be looking for you?” No more than a few more steps away from where Sasuke’s sitting, he pauses, the slight creases along his forehead becoming more prominent. He gives Sasuke a funny look, features marred with a confusion quickly curbed by the beginnings of an easygoing smile. “You got my message, right?”
“Yeah.” Feet flat on the ground, legs spread apart, Sasuke shifts against a tall wall of old and greying brick, knees enclosed by his arms held together by the fingers of his left hand wrapped loosely around his right wrist. “I did.”
“I told you I was going to be held up finishing some prints in the dark room, so I just got here.” Long strides carry Naruto forward. Beneath the floodlight overhead, one more step then two and he’s in front of Sasuke, peering down at Sasuke, still smiling an easygoing smile that tightens slightly on the left corner to become a deliberate sort of half grin. “I know parties aren’t your necessarily thing, but I thought you were at least going to wait for me to show up before you left.”
“As often as you like to invite yourself over here, you do realise Kenji and I live in the same apartment complex. Or did that conveniently slip your mind like everything else does?”
“Eh, minor details.”
“Minor details?”
“Very minor details. Extremely minor details.” With a low hum and an absent nod, Naruto rocks back on his heels, flexing his fingers furled inside his pockets. “Since when did all the little stuff in life start to matter, anyway?”
“A purist like you should know. If you took the rest of your classes as seriously as you did photography, you wouldn’t have to worry so much about falling behind at the end of the term.”
“When it comes to photography, I can be a little picky sometimes, maybe. Which isn’t to say it’s a bad thing like you’re trying to make it out to be.” Abrupt, Naruto stops moving. He crosses one foot over the other and begins to lower himself to take a seat on the ground. “But the way I see it, it’s the big stuff that really cou-” Tripping over what can only be described as air, eyes wide, he yelps, hands flailing in a failed attempt to keep from losing his balance, but it’s the strong grip on his arm that doesn’t let him completely fall.
Save for the near mishap that almost led to the collision between his head and a brick wall (there’s some kind of underlying conceit, Sasuke knows-with someone like Naruto, there has to be) Naruto makes a relatively safe landing, legs crossed and arms outstretched, body hunched forward still as his eyes dart from side to side. “Nobody saw that.”
“Smooth, Naruto. Real smooth.”
“Yeah, yeah, kick me while I’m down,” Naruto grumbles, his entire face flushed a bright red that manages to reach the tips of his ears. “Nobody can be cool all the time.”
“Speak for yourself.”
“No, I’m speaking for you, too. Especially you.”
Releasing Naruto’s arm, Sasuke snorts. “Are you okay?”
Naruto prolongs an already exaggerated sigh, sitting up then letting his shoulders slump a little, bringing his arms over his lap. “Where does having my pride hurt put me?”
Elbows bent over his knees, Sasuke drops his forehead against his arm. “Same place you’d be if you didn’t think pride was an issue.”
“Don’t try to hide. I can see you laughing at me just fine from here.”
Lifting his head, lips pressed together unable to hold back a smile, Sasuke keeps his mouth hidden behind his arm. “I’m not the one who fell for no apparent reason.”
“Thanks, Sasuke.” Naruto gives him a flat glare. “No, really. Thank you. Not like I wanted to impress you, anyway,” he mutters, traces of a blush finally beginning to fade. Shifting in place, his knee bumps against Sasuke’s leg, and he looks down, trying to settle into a more comfortable position. “My legs are going to fall asleep sitting like this for too long.”
Restless, he starts to fidget, raising his knees then eventually deciding to lower his legs only to end up crossing them again. “This place is a tight fit, don’t you think?
“It’s comfortable enough.”
“Look here, you. Don’t even start with that comfortable enough crap.” Blue eyes narrow, taking on a playful gleam, and Naruto leans over, trying to expose the rest of Sasuke’s face with a sharp tug to the sleeve of Sasuke’s dark red pullover. “You don’t get to have an opinion. You actually have a thing for unreasonably cramped spaces, so your comfort level doesn’t count.”
Back pressed against the wall, lifting his head, Sasuke responds with another smile, a subtle quirk of his lips that takes its time in going away. “...what really brought you out here, Naruto?”
“Ah, that. Already told you, didn’t I? “Mouth not quite set in a frown, Naruto sits upright, pulling on his earlobe. “I guess it just sort of feels like everybody’s been too busy this month. It’s been what-almost two weeks since any of us really got together? I haven’t even seen that much of Kiba lately. But when Kenji said he was throwing a party at his place, now that midterms are over, I was really looking forward to getting a chance to hang out and let loose, you know.”
“It’s more your scene, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is, but if I wanted to be down there right now, I wouldn’t have come all the way up here looking for you.” Hand dragging along the top of his thigh, palm curving over his knee, this time Naruto does frown. “Although I think the question I should really ask is, what are you doing out here?”
“Trying to get away from you.”
“So you got jokes, huh. I see how it is.” Squinting, Naruto scoots closer, indulging in a careless invasion of Sasuke’s personal space. Arms hanging over his lap, hands clasped, he leans forward, one leg pressing against both of Sasuke’s own. “You can’t just decide to get rid of me whenever you feel like it. That’s not how it’s supposed to go.”
Sasuke folds one leg down, right foot tucked behind his left. Away from Naruto, he presses himself further against the wall, putting between them as much distance as he can, creating what little space he still can until their legs no longer touch. “Whether I want to get rid of you or not, I doubt it’s even worth the effort to try anymore.”
“Sure, sure, that’s what you always say. In this case, though, flattery won’t work on me.”
Tilting his head back, with a sigh, Sasuke closes his eyes, gaze unseeing raised towards the sky.
“You all right?”
Sasuke lets out a soft hum, right arm slack at his side, his other arm pulled around his left knee. There’s a faint rustle of fabric, followed by a subtle shift in the air in front of him, Naruto once more moving closer to him, and Sasuke can’t help the involuntarily shiver when again Naruto’s leg brushes against his knee.
He starts at the feel of hands grabbing his, eyes opened growing the slightest bit wide. “Naru-”
“Almost thought I lost you there for a second.”
“What are you doing with my hands?”
“Getting you warm.”
Sasuke blinks, slowly letting his other leg fall.
“You don’t like being cold, remember.” With a firm squeeze, bringing their hands closer to his chest, Naruto grants Sasuke a simple smile. “It makes you all cranky and stuff.”
“Stop calling me cranky.”
Naruto just laughs. “Does this mean we’re back to officially being friends?”
“...you’re making things up for your own convenience,” Sasuke murmurs, staring at his hands being held in Naruto’s own. “I don’t like you as much as you seem to think I do.”
“But I know you do. Because we go together.” Rubbing the outside of Sasuke’s hands, Naruto’s fingers slide up and down along Sasuke’s wrists not covered by his sleeves. “See? The way your hands fit mine, almost like you and me were-”
“If you compare me to pork ramen again, more than just your misplaced pride’s going to suffer tonight.”
Naruto retaliates with a nearly disarming grin. “You’re just jealous of my totally awesome analogy-making skills.”
“Because I enjoy being compared to food. Yes, that’s exactly why.”
“Then how about sticky on ric-”
“No, Naruto.”
Sill grinning, Naruto blows air over Sasuke’s hands he raises level with his mouth. “You’re such a killjoy.”
The heat from Naruto’s breath sends prickles over Sasuke’s fingers, a tingling sensation that causes his knuckles to throb, shoots up his arms to become a flurry of warmth too light this feeling suddenly too tight settling heavily in his chest. It’s never bothered him before, Naruto doing these kinds of things that have become so commonplace, this closeness between them nothing out of the ordinary, and yet somehow...
With a sharp inhale, he snatches his hands away.
Naruto leans forward, brow furrowed. “Something wrong?”
“Static, I...it was static.”
“Sorry, I-” A light blush colouring his cheeks, glancing down, with two fingers, Naruto begins to tap on his knee. He looks up with a nervous smile, hand stilling on the side of his leg. “I didn’t mean to-”
“You didn’t,” Sasuke blurts out, not too loud but all too sudden, the words hasty and impulsive that take even him by surprise. Quiet, a little self-conscious beneath Naruto’s blatant stare, he grapples with a wary resolve, waiting to exhale. “It wasn’t you, I mean. When you-I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“So keeping you from getting cold, doing this, that’s okay then, right?” Confusion displaced by a tentative smile, again, Naruto reaches for Sasuke’s hands, but this time Sasuke pulls away, hands retreating to his lap and out of Naruto’s reach.
“It’s not that cold.”
“...oh.” There’s a sort of disappointment layered beneath the words, a minute uncertainty in Naruto’s voice that doesn’t belong, but he recovers with another smile, another twitch at the corner of his lips alarmingly at ease, with that same annoying persistence so easily taken for granted, because even now, Naruto won’t let Sasuke push him away. “Well, yeah, that’s because I already got you warmed up. Obviously.”
“Hardly.”
“Heh. I’m going to remember that the next time you use me as your substitute heater.”
Looking down, Sasuke dismisses the mock threat with a light snort, fingers taking hold of Naruto’s shoelaces slightly loose he undoes and reties. When Naruto starts to complain about the dangers of being around unfairly demanding people like Sasuke who already have two strikes against them on top of being the excessively fussy personality types, with the bottom of his fist, Sasuke cuffs the inside of Naruto’s shoe.
At first Naruto doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch, but then he laughs, a low sounding chuckle that soon fades and with it the traces of a blithe smile it doesn’t take much for Sasuke to imagine he can see. “...hey.”
Hands returning to his lap, Sasuke peers up, straightening the sleeves of the pullover just long enough to fall over the back of his hands. “Mm?”
“I know it probably seems like I unload on you sometimes. Or maybe a lot, I think I should say, but-” Careful fingers reach behind Sasuke’s ears, seize the sides of Sasuke’s oversized hood and pull it over his head. “If there’s something bothering you, whatever it is, if you want to tell me ,it doesn’t...I wouldn’t mind if you relied on me for those kinds of things.”
Sasuke offers a wry smile almost a smirk that barely tugs at the corner of his mouth. “And what makes you think I’d even need to rely on a clumsy guy like you?”
Undeterred, Naruto’s doesn’t break his gaze. “Because I want you to know that you can.”
It seldom fails to catch him unaware, being the focus of that kind of single-minded attention, that kind of resolute deference he doesn’t know what to do with despite this friendship with Naruto he still doesn’t know why it makes him feel uneasy at the thought of not being able to do without.
Yet as he tries to draw back, Naruto’s still there because he hasn’t let go, face already so close carried even closer by the small tug from his grip on the thick material of Sasuke’s hood, the pads of Naruto’s thumbs mere brushes simply near touches that somehow threatens to throw him completely off-kilter so very far away from the purview of his entire world gradually coming apart at the seams.
And he falters.
“Really, Sasuke. I mean it.”
There’s a quiet pulsation in his chest. It’s a hushed sort of anticipation, the constant repetition of this incredibly stupid noise that plays too loud in his ears and only continues to grow louder the more still he makes his body become. Yet for a moment he lets his mind wander, and a very small part of him begins to wonder if Naruto’s listening carefully enough to hear it, too, on and on that erratic, unrelenting sound, if that’s why he can’t quite place the unfamiliar expression in blue eyes-but then he forces himself to stop.
“...you can let go now.”
“I guess I should,” Naruto whispers.
“You should.”
“Yeah. I’m just not sure my hands will let me right now.”
“What are you trying to pull, Naruto? Stop playing around. Let go.”
“I already told you. My hands, they won’t-”
“Why not?”
“...because I think I already forgot how.”
“Naruto, you-”
But Naruto’s hands are gone. They disappear with the momentary brush of his fingers against Sasuke’s cheeks, leaving behind faint traces of a warmth no longer there, as if his hands were never there at all, and he lifts himself up only to settle right back down beside Sasuke.
Laughing like he usually does, plastered on his face a comfortable smile, he stretches out his legs, the toes of his shoes barely touching the wall on the other side of the enclave. “My legs were starting to fall asleep.” He raises one foot, flexing his shoe forward then back before setting it on the ground.
Both hands reaching behind his head, lips pursed, Sasuke lowers his hood, the material clutched tight between his fingers adjusting the collar to lie flat against the back of his neck.
“If you don’t want to talk to me about that kind of stuff, I get it,” Naruto says, heaving a sigh, smile disappeared. “That’s fine, too. I’m not-I won’t try to push you into something like that. It’s just, recently, I’ve been starting to notice that you do this sort of thing a lot.”
Letting go of his hood, slowly, Sasuke feels himself begin to relax. “Do what?”
“The whole-” Naruto makes an offhand gesture with a careless wave of his hand. “Going-off-on-your-own thing. Holed up in a place like this by yourself.”
“...it’s somewhere quiet to think.”
“Is it really?”
Unfolding his left leg he raises, Sasuke props his elbow on his knee, head lowered, fingers loosely curled into his palm resting against his cheek. “Most of the time, I like to think it is.”
“It’s nice, though. I’ll give you that much.” Naruto extends his arms above his head. He takes in deep breath in, releasing a heavier exhale, lowering his arms then doing a short series of backwards shoulder rolls. “I can see why you like to come out here. The last time I can even remember doing something close to this was when I was a snot-nosed kid.”
He snorts. “Me and my mom and my dad would camp outside, and we used to gamble on rice candy to see who was the fastest at counting the most stars, but on nights like these...”
Shifting against the wall, catching sight of Naruto’s watchful gaze, Sasuke turns a little more towards him. “What is it?”
Still for a moment, Naruto blinks, glancing away and licking his lips. “Nothing. It’s nothing,” he says. “Just wish I’d brought my baby. If I knew I was going to be out here tonight, with this kind of natural lighting, being able to see the moon and the stars so well, I could’ve have gotten in some really good shots.”
“Don’t get any ideas. You’re not taking any more pictures of me.”
“Ch. Who said I’d even want to waste any more of my good film on you?”
Sasuke just gives him a blank stare.
“Don’t give me that look. The facial expressions you make, it’s your fault I-okay, so maybe I did manage to sneak in a couple more clicks than you wanted me to, but I can’t help that it happened to be the right moment at the right time.”
“You really expect me to believe that.”
“Eh, not unless you grew up around cameras like I did, which you didn’t, but after working behind the lens for so long, from that point of view, everything really does feel different.
“It’s like, even if you go in having that ideal image in your head, when you might think you know exactly what impression you want to make, it almost always seems to come down to those three or four frames you weren’t searching for, and sometimes, with only enough time to think between that one second and the next, your only choice is to either take the shot or lose it.”
Naruto raises his hands in his line of sight, creating two L-shapes with his fingers he puts together to form a makeshift square, taking an imaginary photo of the sky. “I mean, when you’re lucky enough to catch a glimpse of something really amazing, and you get the chance to bring out this certain characteristic that no one else’s ever been able to say they’ve seen before, it’s like finding the last great Wonder of the World, so you have to take the shot.
“Because in that one perfect moment, in that one instance you’ll never have the chance to see again, even the scenery starts to look different. The people start to look different.”
Tongue pressed against the corner of his mouth, squinting with one eye open, he toggles with the simulated viewfinder to capture a frame of Sasuke’s face. “You look-”
“I look the same,” Sasuke says, pushing away Naruto’s hands.
“Just hear me out for a sec. Wanting you to be the subject for my side projects, think of it like being a stepping stone for me. Let’s say, what if one day I decided I wanted to go into photojournalism, working for a world famous magazine or something? Except I got turned away in the middle of the job interview because I didn’t have enough qualifying experience with isolated close-up shots since you willingly chose not to be helpful during my time of need, so I’d just end up being forced to accept a life-threatening position on the night shift at some shady yakuza sponsored establishment?
“And whose responsibility would it be then, huh?”
Sasuke gives him a strange look. “How are you even-what part of that is actually supposed to make any-” Shutting his mouth, he breathes through his nose, refusing to let himself further attempt to understand Naruto’s haphazard logic. It’s a given he should know better not to even bother by now. “I thought one of your term projects for independent study was on cloudscapes?”
“It is. But you know I can’t do that forever. I have to branch out as much as I can. As soon as I can. And not just because it’s required for my core curriculum.”
“I’m still not going to be your guinea pig.”
“In this situation, muse sounds a lot better, don’t you think?”
“I’m assuming you want me to find a ledge to push you off.”
“Later, we can do all that later, all right, but for now, just so you know, one of my idols, Stieglitz, his muse did paintings, too. Not ink wash paintings like you, or even calligraphy, of course, and it might be an extremely fitting coincidence, sure, but they worked out pretty okay. For the most part. I think.”
“If quiet places inspire that kind of thinking, maybe this isn’t the right environment for you.”
Naruto sucks his teeth. “Anyway, for your information, those photos you let me take to help me with that sketch assignment for Genma’s class, because of all the thinking I put into it, I got an A. So there.”
“What’d you expect? It’s basically a pass or fail class. That’s not a real grade. Not to mention, Genma’s too lenient. He’s going to judge you much more on the effort that goes into completing an assignment rather than your intrinsic lack of artistic ability to even draw recognisable stick figures, much less expect you to take the time to at least pretend to make your name look legible.”
“...really, Sasuke? Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Last time I share any of my accomplishments with you,” Naruto mumbles. “Is there something special about me that just brings out the best in you, or has putting people down always been your idea of fun?”
“Only with you it is.”
“Oh?” A smile is slow to appear on Naruto’s face. He watches Sasuke with eager eyes far too bright, shuffling closer, wearing the near impossible kind of grin exceedingly pleased teetering on the verge of being unbearable. “So hanging out with me, that’s your idea of fun, is it?”
Sasuke snorts, dropping his forehead on Naruto’s shoulder, but the he lifts his head, sharing with Naruto the slightest hint of a smile that sets in motion a quiet laugh managing to slip through closed lips. “You’re getting ahead of yourself.”
“Is this supposed to be your way of getting back at me for something I don’t even remember doing?”
“Dragging me all over Nakano to window shop for high-end camera lenses you’d need a loan to afford.”
“Hold on, hold on, didn’t I show you that little area with all those really neat art supply shops you took forever in? And didn’t I end paying for lunch? Again.”
“After being squished next to you on a crowded train, it was the least you could do.”
“The least I could-” With a dry snort, Naruto elbows Sasuke in the side. “Not that it bothers me that you’ve made a hobby out of making fun of me, because you’d probably still do it even if it did-”
“Probably.”
“-especially since you’re already so quick to agree with me, anyway, but even though you have this extremely bad habit of making yourself happy at my expense, sometimes, I really wish I knew how to...” Trailing off, Naruto pauses, brows knit, eyes slightly narrowed faraway lost in thought.
“There’s this part of me that wants to think it’s okay, that every time you give me a chance to see you sm- ” Glancing to the side, he laughs, fingers running through his hair.
“...Naruto?”
“It’s just funny, you know,” Naruto says, turning back to Sasuke with an idle smile much slower to come. “The way some things happen to work out.” He gives a slight shake of his head. “Mostly what it does to me every time you smash what’s left of my pride.”
“I wouldn’t if you didn’t keep setting yourself up for it.” Left knee raised, Sasuke extends his other leg in front of him, letting his white right shoe fall against Naruto’s left blue one. “But it’d take me the rest of my life to even begin to put a dent in that thing you try to call pride.”
“Look who’s talking. A stuck-up guy who comes across like he knows everything doesn’t have room to say anything.”
“Because I think it’s fun to mess with you?”
“For someone who seems so smart, you can be pretty aggravating, you know that.” Around a smile, Naruto lets out a light scoff that quickly becomes a soft chuckle. “But yeah. Something like that, I guess-yeah.”
Left knee brought a little closer to his chest, arms crossed around his leg leaned towards his right, Sasuke hums, letting his head fall against Naruto’s shoulder.
“So, uh...” Naruto clears his throat. “You plan on staying out here much longer?”
“Just a little while. Not much, though. It’s not even eight yet. Early enough that I still have time to go back.”
“To the party?”
“Kenji wanted me to come, so I’m not trying to avoid it. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to avoid him right before he leaves.”
“That’s right. He decided he’s graduating early, didn’t he?”
“A design firm in London offered him an internship. Paid.”
“A paid architecture internship? Wow.”
“Yeah, I know.” Sasuke manages a little smile. “He’s already started looking into post-grad schools, too. There’re a lot of good MBA programmes over there.”
“Jeeze, graduation for us is still two years off, but it might as well be tomorrow the way Kenji’s going. It still feels like I just met him yesterday.”
“It’s something he’s wanted for a long time, though. And I’m happy for him, to have that kind of opportunity. But despite the fact I knew it was coming, when he told me about being accepted back in August, it’s just-I guess I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.”
“So that’s why you’re...”
Intermittent pockets of light illuminate the rooftop of the building across from them, cutting through the broad expanse of shadowed grey, and Sasuke follows the light tapering in the distance, gaze drifting towards the stretch of darkness without any stars in the sky.
“...you don’t need to wait for me, Naruto.”
“Somehow, I feel like you’re trying to get rid of me again.”
“Is it working?”
“Aren’t you the one who said it’s pointless to even try anymore?”
“Most of the time it is. But you don’t have to force yourself to stay for my sake.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I don’t,” Naruto whispers. “Except I think you’re forgetting something.”
“Am I?”
“...just because I don’t have to stay, Sasuke, doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”
So, what had happened was, I accidentally stumbled upon a few possibly spoilerish things, and although I’m not sure if they’re true, those snippets don’t exactly inspire me to finish the manga--the heck if some of that stuff didn't just come out of nowhere. Kishi already undermined Itachi’s character. Twice. And Sasuke...well, then what was the point of going through all that emotional upheaval? In the meantime, I’m going to officially take a real crack at canon and plot.
In other news, however unintentional, I noticed I tend to rhyme. A lot. By which I mean: There is no excuse for this dribble.
I tend to go back and forth in the domestic series, because it reflects where I'm struggling with on other things. As far as Sasuke's character goes, at least in happy AUs, I always say I reference pre-massacre!Sasuke first, and then work back through his inferiority/superiority complex. Because he has those. In droves. And what often comes of it is an very self-conscious Sasuke. Here at least, he's pretty at ease when it comes to physicality, but it's the thought of having emotional attachments he subconsciously shies away from; due to his own bubble of insecurities, he doesn’t like feeling emotionally vulnerable, which, at this stage, is what Naruto makes him feel most of the time. Yet at the same time, he's still drawn to Naruto.
Bleh. What a mess. I guess that's why he seems so dense, maybe? It has to do with his own self-confidence and his inability to picture himself having that depth of an emotional attachment to someone outside his family/small group of friends (not just because I think it’s funny when this stuff goes straight over his head). Plus, he initially sees Naruto as this incredibly resilient and self-assured guy, no matter what's said to him, so it becomes a source of stability for Sasuke, which is the pretty the same schtick I'm always writing, anyway, so it's nothing new.
Naruto doesn’t grasp this per se, but he does learn to pick up on the signs; hence why he’s so hesitant to really say anything, even if Kiba and Shikamaru continue to make fun of him for it.
I suppose I made it more complicated than it should be, but as the elusive "they" are wont to say, in for a penny and whatnot.
***
Characters: Naruto/Sasuke
Rating: PG
Words: 4501
Summary: “And what makes you think I’d even need to rely on a clumsy guy like you?”
“Suigetsu said I’d find you up here.”
Caught off guard by the familiar voice, hands on either side of him pressing hard into the ground, Sasuke turns around and looks up, more than a little surprised to see Naruto standing near the top of the short flight of concrete steps. “...you were looking for me?”
“Course I was.” Lips pursed, with a quick glance to his right, Naruto shoves his hands into the pockets of a light grey jacket. He takes a step down, following with another two then three until he reaches the bottom of the stairs leading to the narrow enclave on the roof.
“Why wouldn’t I be looking for you?” No more than a few more steps away from where Sasuke’s sitting, he pauses, the slight creases along his forehead becoming more prominent. He gives Sasuke a funny look, features marred with a confusion quickly curbed by the beginnings of an easygoing smile. “You got my message, right?”
“Yeah.” Feet flat on the ground, legs spread apart, Sasuke shifts against a tall wall of old and greying brick, knees enclosed by his arms held together by the fingers of his left hand wrapped loosely around his right wrist. “I did.”
“I told you I was going to be held up finishing some prints in the dark room, so I just got here.” Long strides carry Naruto forward. Beneath the floodlight overhead, one more step then two and he’s in front of Sasuke, peering down at Sasuke, still smiling an easygoing smile that tightens slightly on the left corner to become a deliberate sort of half grin. “I know parties aren’t your necessarily thing, but I thought you were at least going to wait for me to show up before you left.”
“As often as you like to invite yourself over here, you do realise Kenji and I live in the same apartment complex. Or did that conveniently slip your mind like everything else does?”
“Eh, minor details.”
“Minor details?”
“Very minor details. Extremely minor details.” With a low hum and an absent nod, Naruto rocks back on his heels, flexing his fingers furled inside his pockets. “Since when did all the little stuff in life start to matter, anyway?”
“A purist like you should know. If you took the rest of your classes as seriously as you did photography, you wouldn’t have to worry so much about falling behind at the end of the term.”
“When it comes to photography, I can be a little picky sometimes, maybe. Which isn’t to say it’s a bad thing like you’re trying to make it out to be.” Abrupt, Naruto stops moving. He crosses one foot over the other and begins to lower himself to take a seat on the ground. “But the way I see it, it’s the big stuff that really cou-” Tripping over what can only be described as air, eyes wide, he yelps, hands flailing in a failed attempt to keep from losing his balance, but it’s the strong grip on his arm that doesn’t let him completely fall.
Save for the near mishap that almost led to the collision between his head and a brick wall (there’s some kind of underlying conceit, Sasuke knows-with someone like Naruto, there has to be) Naruto makes a relatively safe landing, legs crossed and arms outstretched, body hunched forward still as his eyes dart from side to side. “Nobody saw that.”
“Smooth, Naruto. Real smooth.”
“Yeah, yeah, kick me while I’m down,” Naruto grumbles, his entire face flushed a bright red that manages to reach the tips of his ears. “Nobody can be cool all the time.”
“Speak for yourself.”
“No, I’m speaking for you, too. Especially you.”
Releasing Naruto’s arm, Sasuke snorts. “Are you okay?”
Naruto prolongs an already exaggerated sigh, sitting up then letting his shoulders slump a little, bringing his arms over his lap. “Where does having my pride hurt put me?”
Elbows bent over his knees, Sasuke drops his forehead against his arm. “Same place you’d be if you didn’t think pride was an issue.”
“Don’t try to hide. I can see you laughing at me just fine from here.”
Lifting his head, lips pressed together unable to hold back a smile, Sasuke keeps his mouth hidden behind his arm. “I’m not the one who fell for no apparent reason.”
“Thanks, Sasuke.” Naruto gives him a flat glare. “No, really. Thank you. Not like I wanted to impress you, anyway,” he mutters, traces of a blush finally beginning to fade. Shifting in place, his knee bumps against Sasuke’s leg, and he looks down, trying to settle into a more comfortable position. “My legs are going to fall asleep sitting like this for too long.”
Restless, he starts to fidget, raising his knees then eventually deciding to lower his legs only to end up crossing them again. “This place is a tight fit, don’t you think?
“It’s comfortable enough.”
“Look here, you. Don’t even start with that comfortable enough crap.” Blue eyes narrow, taking on a playful gleam, and Naruto leans over, trying to expose the rest of Sasuke’s face with a sharp tug to the sleeve of Sasuke’s dark red pullover. “You don’t get to have an opinion. You actually have a thing for unreasonably cramped spaces, so your comfort level doesn’t count.”
Back pressed against the wall, lifting his head, Sasuke responds with another smile, a subtle quirk of his lips that takes its time in going away. “...what really brought you out here, Naruto?”
“Ah, that. Already told you, didn’t I? “Mouth not quite set in a frown, Naruto sits upright, pulling on his earlobe. “I guess it just sort of feels like everybody’s been too busy this month. It’s been what-almost two weeks since any of us really got together? I haven’t even seen that much of Kiba lately. But when Kenji said he was throwing a party at his place, now that midterms are over, I was really looking forward to getting a chance to hang out and let loose, you know.”
“It’s more your scene, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is, but if I wanted to be down there right now, I wouldn’t have come all the way up here looking for you.” Hand dragging along the top of his thigh, palm curving over his knee, this time Naruto does frown. “Although I think the question I should really ask is, what are you doing out here?”
“Trying to get away from you.”
“So you got jokes, huh. I see how it is.” Squinting, Naruto scoots closer, indulging in a careless invasion of Sasuke’s personal space. Arms hanging over his lap, hands clasped, he leans forward, one leg pressing against both of Sasuke’s own. “You can’t just decide to get rid of me whenever you feel like it. That’s not how it’s supposed to go.”
Sasuke folds one leg down, right foot tucked behind his left. Away from Naruto, he presses himself further against the wall, putting between them as much distance as he can, creating what little space he still can until their legs no longer touch. “Whether I want to get rid of you or not, I doubt it’s even worth the effort to try anymore.”
“Sure, sure, that’s what you always say. In this case, though, flattery won’t work on me.”
Tilting his head back, with a sigh, Sasuke closes his eyes, gaze unseeing raised towards the sky.
“You all right?”
Sasuke lets out a soft hum, right arm slack at his side, his other arm pulled around his left knee. There’s a faint rustle of fabric, followed by a subtle shift in the air in front of him, Naruto once more moving closer to him, and Sasuke can’t help the involuntarily shiver when again Naruto’s leg brushes against his knee.
He starts at the feel of hands grabbing his, eyes opened growing the slightest bit wide. “Naru-”
“Almost thought I lost you there for a second.”
“What are you doing with my hands?”
“Getting you warm.”
Sasuke blinks, slowly letting his other leg fall.
“You don’t like being cold, remember.” With a firm squeeze, bringing their hands closer to his chest, Naruto grants Sasuke a simple smile. “It makes you all cranky and stuff.”
“Stop calling me cranky.”
Naruto just laughs. “Does this mean we’re back to officially being friends?”
“...you’re making things up for your own convenience,” Sasuke murmurs, staring at his hands being held in Naruto’s own. “I don’t like you as much as you seem to think I do.”
“But I know you do. Because we go together.” Rubbing the outside of Sasuke’s hands, Naruto’s fingers slide up and down along Sasuke’s wrists not covered by his sleeves. “See? The way your hands fit mine, almost like you and me were-”
“If you compare me to pork ramen again, more than just your misplaced pride’s going to suffer tonight.”
Naruto retaliates with a nearly disarming grin. “You’re just jealous of my totally awesome analogy-making skills.”
“Because I enjoy being compared to food. Yes, that’s exactly why.”
“Then how about sticky on ric-”
“No, Naruto.”
Sill grinning, Naruto blows air over Sasuke’s hands he raises level with his mouth. “You’re such a killjoy.”
The heat from Naruto’s breath sends prickles over Sasuke’s fingers, a tingling sensation that causes his knuckles to throb, shoots up his arms to become a flurry of warmth too light this feeling suddenly too tight settling heavily in his chest. It’s never bothered him before, Naruto doing these kinds of things that have become so commonplace, this closeness between them nothing out of the ordinary, and yet somehow...
With a sharp inhale, he snatches his hands away.
Naruto leans forward, brow furrowed. “Something wrong?”
“Static, I...it was static.”
“Sorry, I-” A light blush colouring his cheeks, glancing down, with two fingers, Naruto begins to tap on his knee. He looks up with a nervous smile, hand stilling on the side of his leg. “I didn’t mean to-”
“You didn’t,” Sasuke blurts out, not too loud but all too sudden, the words hasty and impulsive that take even him by surprise. Quiet, a little self-conscious beneath Naruto’s blatant stare, he grapples with a wary resolve, waiting to exhale. “It wasn’t you, I mean. When you-I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“So keeping you from getting cold, doing this, that’s okay then, right?” Confusion displaced by a tentative smile, again, Naruto reaches for Sasuke’s hands, but this time Sasuke pulls away, hands retreating to his lap and out of Naruto’s reach.
“It’s not that cold.”
“...oh.” There’s a sort of disappointment layered beneath the words, a minute uncertainty in Naruto’s voice that doesn’t belong, but he recovers with another smile, another twitch at the corner of his lips alarmingly at ease, with that same annoying persistence so easily taken for granted, because even now, Naruto won’t let Sasuke push him away. “Well, yeah, that’s because I already got you warmed up. Obviously.”
“Hardly.”
“Heh. I’m going to remember that the next time you use me as your substitute heater.”
Looking down, Sasuke dismisses the mock threat with a light snort, fingers taking hold of Naruto’s shoelaces slightly loose he undoes and reties. When Naruto starts to complain about the dangers of being around unfairly demanding people like Sasuke who already have two strikes against them on top of being the excessively fussy personality types, with the bottom of his fist, Sasuke cuffs the inside of Naruto’s shoe.
At first Naruto doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch, but then he laughs, a low sounding chuckle that soon fades and with it the traces of a blithe smile it doesn’t take much for Sasuke to imagine he can see. “...hey.”
Hands returning to his lap, Sasuke peers up, straightening the sleeves of the pullover just long enough to fall over the back of his hands. “Mm?”
“I know it probably seems like I unload on you sometimes. Or maybe a lot, I think I should say, but-” Careful fingers reach behind Sasuke’s ears, seize the sides of Sasuke’s oversized hood and pull it over his head. “If there’s something bothering you, whatever it is, if you want to tell me ,it doesn’t...I wouldn’t mind if you relied on me for those kinds of things.”
Sasuke offers a wry smile almost a smirk that barely tugs at the corner of his mouth. “And what makes you think I’d even need to rely on a clumsy guy like you?”
Undeterred, Naruto’s doesn’t break his gaze. “Because I want you to know that you can.”
It seldom fails to catch him unaware, being the focus of that kind of single-minded attention, that kind of resolute deference he doesn’t know what to do with despite this friendship with Naruto he still doesn’t know why it makes him feel uneasy at the thought of not being able to do without.
Yet as he tries to draw back, Naruto’s still there because he hasn’t let go, face already so close carried even closer by the small tug from his grip on the thick material of Sasuke’s hood, the pads of Naruto’s thumbs mere brushes simply near touches that somehow threatens to throw him completely off-kilter so very far away from the purview of his entire world gradually coming apart at the seams.
And he falters.
“Really, Sasuke. I mean it.”
There’s a quiet pulsation in his chest. It’s a hushed sort of anticipation, the constant repetition of this incredibly stupid noise that plays too loud in his ears and only continues to grow louder the more still he makes his body become. Yet for a moment he lets his mind wander, and a very small part of him begins to wonder if Naruto’s listening carefully enough to hear it, too, on and on that erratic, unrelenting sound, if that’s why he can’t quite place the unfamiliar expression in blue eyes-but then he forces himself to stop.
“...you can let go now.”
“I guess I should,” Naruto whispers.
“You should.”
“Yeah. I’m just not sure my hands will let me right now.”
“What are you trying to pull, Naruto? Stop playing around. Let go.”
“I already told you. My hands, they won’t-”
“Why not?”
“...because I think I already forgot how.”
“Naruto, you-”
But Naruto’s hands are gone. They disappear with the momentary brush of his fingers against Sasuke’s cheeks, leaving behind faint traces of a warmth no longer there, as if his hands were never there at all, and he lifts himself up only to settle right back down beside Sasuke.
Laughing like he usually does, plastered on his face a comfortable smile, he stretches out his legs, the toes of his shoes barely touching the wall on the other side of the enclave. “My legs were starting to fall asleep.” He raises one foot, flexing his shoe forward then back before setting it on the ground.
Both hands reaching behind his head, lips pursed, Sasuke lowers his hood, the material clutched tight between his fingers adjusting the collar to lie flat against the back of his neck.
“If you don’t want to talk to me about that kind of stuff, I get it,” Naruto says, heaving a sigh, smile disappeared. “That’s fine, too. I’m not-I won’t try to push you into something like that. It’s just, recently, I’ve been starting to notice that you do this sort of thing a lot.”
Letting go of his hood, slowly, Sasuke feels himself begin to relax. “Do what?”
“The whole-” Naruto makes an offhand gesture with a careless wave of his hand. “Going-off-on-your-own thing. Holed up in a place like this by yourself.”
“...it’s somewhere quiet to think.”
“Is it really?”
Unfolding his left leg he raises, Sasuke props his elbow on his knee, head lowered, fingers loosely curled into his palm resting against his cheek. “Most of the time, I like to think it is.”
“It’s nice, though. I’ll give you that much.” Naruto extends his arms above his head. He takes in deep breath in, releasing a heavier exhale, lowering his arms then doing a short series of backwards shoulder rolls. “I can see why you like to come out here. The last time I can even remember doing something close to this was when I was a snot-nosed kid.”
He snorts. “Me and my mom and my dad would camp outside, and we used to gamble on rice candy to see who was the fastest at counting the most stars, but on nights like these...”
Shifting against the wall, catching sight of Naruto’s watchful gaze, Sasuke turns a little more towards him. “What is it?”
Still for a moment, Naruto blinks, glancing away and licking his lips. “Nothing. It’s nothing,” he says. “Just wish I’d brought my baby. If I knew I was going to be out here tonight, with this kind of natural lighting, being able to see the moon and the stars so well, I could’ve have gotten in some really good shots.”
“Don’t get any ideas. You’re not taking any more pictures of me.”
“Ch. Who said I’d even want to waste any more of my good film on you?”
Sasuke just gives him a blank stare.
“Don’t give me that look. The facial expressions you make, it’s your fault I-okay, so maybe I did manage to sneak in a couple more clicks than you wanted me to, but I can’t help that it happened to be the right moment at the right time.”
“You really expect me to believe that.”
“Eh, not unless you grew up around cameras like I did, which you didn’t, but after working behind the lens for so long, from that point of view, everything really does feel different.
“It’s like, even if you go in having that ideal image in your head, when you might think you know exactly what impression you want to make, it almost always seems to come down to those three or four frames you weren’t searching for, and sometimes, with only enough time to think between that one second and the next, your only choice is to either take the shot or lose it.”
Naruto raises his hands in his line of sight, creating two L-shapes with his fingers he puts together to form a makeshift square, taking an imaginary photo of the sky. “I mean, when you’re lucky enough to catch a glimpse of something really amazing, and you get the chance to bring out this certain characteristic that no one else’s ever been able to say they’ve seen before, it’s like finding the last great Wonder of the World, so you have to take the shot.
“Because in that one perfect moment, in that one instance you’ll never have the chance to see again, even the scenery starts to look different. The people start to look different.”
Tongue pressed against the corner of his mouth, squinting with one eye open, he toggles with the simulated viewfinder to capture a frame of Sasuke’s face. “You look-”
“I look the same,” Sasuke says, pushing away Naruto’s hands.
“Just hear me out for a sec. Wanting you to be the subject for my side projects, think of it like being a stepping stone for me. Let’s say, what if one day I decided I wanted to go into photojournalism, working for a world famous magazine or something? Except I got turned away in the middle of the job interview because I didn’t have enough qualifying experience with isolated close-up shots since you willingly chose not to be helpful during my time of need, so I’d just end up being forced to accept a life-threatening position on the night shift at some shady yakuza sponsored establishment?
“And whose responsibility would it be then, huh?”
Sasuke gives him a strange look. “How are you even-what part of that is actually supposed to make any-” Shutting his mouth, he breathes through his nose, refusing to let himself further attempt to understand Naruto’s haphazard logic. It’s a given he should know better not to even bother by now. “I thought one of your term projects for independent study was on cloudscapes?”
“It is. But you know I can’t do that forever. I have to branch out as much as I can. As soon as I can. And not just because it’s required for my core curriculum.”
“I’m still not going to be your guinea pig.”
“In this situation, muse sounds a lot better, don’t you think?”
“I’m assuming you want me to find a ledge to push you off.”
“Later, we can do all that later, all right, but for now, just so you know, one of my idols, Stieglitz, his muse did paintings, too. Not ink wash paintings like you, or even calligraphy, of course, and it might be an extremely fitting coincidence, sure, but they worked out pretty okay. For the most part. I think.”
“If quiet places inspire that kind of thinking, maybe this isn’t the right environment for you.”
Naruto sucks his teeth. “Anyway, for your information, those photos you let me take to help me with that sketch assignment for Genma’s class, because of all the thinking I put into it, I got an A. So there.”
“What’d you expect? It’s basically a pass or fail class. That’s not a real grade. Not to mention, Genma’s too lenient. He’s going to judge you much more on the effort that goes into completing an assignment rather than your intrinsic lack of artistic ability to even draw recognisable stick figures, much less expect you to take the time to at least pretend to make your name look legible.”
“...really, Sasuke? Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Last time I share any of my accomplishments with you,” Naruto mumbles. “Is there something special about me that just brings out the best in you, or has putting people down always been your idea of fun?”
“Only with you it is.”
“Oh?” A smile is slow to appear on Naruto’s face. He watches Sasuke with eager eyes far too bright, shuffling closer, wearing the near impossible kind of grin exceedingly pleased teetering on the verge of being unbearable. “So hanging out with me, that’s your idea of fun, is it?”
Sasuke snorts, dropping his forehead on Naruto’s shoulder, but the he lifts his head, sharing with Naruto the slightest hint of a smile that sets in motion a quiet laugh managing to slip through closed lips. “You’re getting ahead of yourself.”
“Is this supposed to be your way of getting back at me for something I don’t even remember doing?”
“Dragging me all over Nakano to window shop for high-end camera lenses you’d need a loan to afford.”
“Hold on, hold on, didn’t I show you that little area with all those really neat art supply shops you took forever in? And didn’t I end paying for lunch? Again.”
“After being squished next to you on a crowded train, it was the least you could do.”
“The least I could-” With a dry snort, Naruto elbows Sasuke in the side. “Not that it bothers me that you’ve made a hobby out of making fun of me, because you’d probably still do it even if it did-”
“Probably.”
“-especially since you’re already so quick to agree with me, anyway, but even though you have this extremely bad habit of making yourself happy at my expense, sometimes, I really wish I knew how to...” Trailing off, Naruto pauses, brows knit, eyes slightly narrowed faraway lost in thought.
“There’s this part of me that wants to think it’s okay, that every time you give me a chance to see you sm- ” Glancing to the side, he laughs, fingers running through his hair.
“...Naruto?”
“It’s just funny, you know,” Naruto says, turning back to Sasuke with an idle smile much slower to come. “The way some things happen to work out.” He gives a slight shake of his head. “Mostly what it does to me every time you smash what’s left of my pride.”
“I wouldn’t if you didn’t keep setting yourself up for it.” Left knee raised, Sasuke extends his other leg in front of him, letting his white right shoe fall against Naruto’s left blue one. “But it’d take me the rest of my life to even begin to put a dent in that thing you try to call pride.”
“Look who’s talking. A stuck-up guy who comes across like he knows everything doesn’t have room to say anything.”
“Because I think it’s fun to mess with you?”
“For someone who seems so smart, you can be pretty aggravating, you know that.” Around a smile, Naruto lets out a light scoff that quickly becomes a soft chuckle. “But yeah. Something like that, I guess-yeah.”
Left knee brought a little closer to his chest, arms crossed around his leg leaned towards his right, Sasuke hums, letting his head fall against Naruto’s shoulder.
“So, uh...” Naruto clears his throat. “You plan on staying out here much longer?”
“Just a little while. Not much, though. It’s not even eight yet. Early enough that I still have time to go back.”
“To the party?”
“Kenji wanted me to come, so I’m not trying to avoid it. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to avoid him right before he leaves.”
“That’s right. He decided he’s graduating early, didn’t he?”
“A design firm in London offered him an internship. Paid.”
“A paid architecture internship? Wow.”
“Yeah, I know.” Sasuke manages a little smile. “He’s already started looking into post-grad schools, too. There’re a lot of good MBA programmes over there.”
“Jeeze, graduation for us is still two years off, but it might as well be tomorrow the way Kenji’s going. It still feels like I just met him yesterday.”
“It’s something he’s wanted for a long time, though. And I’m happy for him, to have that kind of opportunity. But despite the fact I knew it was coming, when he told me about being accepted back in August, it’s just-I guess I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.”
“So that’s why you’re...”
Intermittent pockets of light illuminate the rooftop of the building across from them, cutting through the broad expanse of shadowed grey, and Sasuke follows the light tapering in the distance, gaze drifting towards the stretch of darkness without any stars in the sky.
“...you don’t need to wait for me, Naruto.”
“Somehow, I feel like you’re trying to get rid of me again.”
“Is it working?”
“Aren’t you the one who said it’s pointless to even try anymore?”
“Most of the time it is. But you don’t have to force yourself to stay for my sake.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I don’t,” Naruto whispers. “Except I think you’re forgetting something.”
“Am I?”
“...just because I don’t have to stay, Sasuke, doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”