i wish i understood why my life has unfolded the way it has
meh, i don't know. is "control" something i'm supposed to feel anymore? ever? at all? probably not.
i just wish i knew how to deal with the hurricane swells of emotion that comes from having a crush on literally everybody ever. and wanting them all, knowing they'll most definitely never like me back (a jinx of a jinx?), and that i'll be left to pine after them all, thinking i have a "selection" when really all i have is more people to break my heart (or more accurately, crush my dreams and hopes of ever being Not Single).
ha ha
remember that time all of my friends are starting to have sex and go on dates and lead active social lives meanwhile i'm left to PINE after people i can barely talk to and barely know? i'm perpetually stuck in this adolescent state of mind when i so desperately want to escape that, want to fucking "lose" my "virginity" (have sex. always always always horny.) (and i know it wouldn't be hard to find a willing participant, but i want it to be with someone i at least feel something for. and i'm not "saving myself" for someone or anything idk i just have standards), want someone to want me and notice me first and notice me enough to want to date me. i want to be swept off my feet for the first time ever, i want someone to feel something for me, i want to go on dates and be cute, and have the love i (and everyone) deserves.
and if someone likes me but it's unrequited then it doesn't count. but i just for once want some requited, mutual love. for fucking once.
and there are so many dudes but so little opportunity for me to really come across as a decent date-worthy person. i don't even know. why am i ranting. why.